Unwound
Fake Train


4.5
superb

Review

by zach USER (27 Reviews)
December 24th, 2010 | 48 replies | 9,844 views


Release Date: 1993 | Tracklist

Review Summary: Get bored

20 of 21 thought this review was well written

I like noise rock. Sometimes it’s loud. Sometimes it’s quiet. It’s always interesting though. Sometimes it’s minimalist. Repeating the same note over. And over. And over. And sometimes they don’t play the same note twice. I guess it’s like Forrest Gump said: “Mama always said…” I think he was right. Mama did say a lot of things.

”Waiter what’s this feedback doing in my soup?”
“Analyzing the complexity and absurdity of life through noise”
“Bring it back.”


My dad was probably drunk again. He was supposed to pick me up 15 minutes ago, but still no sign. I thought about going to the office to call him, but fuck it. I’ll just sit here and listen to Fake Train.

Sally White came out of nowhere. Almost gave me a heart attack. 15 year old’s aren’t supposed to have heart attacks. She asked me if I wanted a blow job. I’d never so much as held a girl’s hand. Actually I had in second grade. Betty Crawford. It was for a field trip. We were crossing the street. She spit in her hand and then extended it towards me. Beggars can’t be choosers.

I accepted Sally’s offer repeating my mantra in my head. I found out a couple days later her dad died of cancer. I guess that was her way of dealing with the grief. Sucking guys off underneath the bleachers in the gym. I probably would have gotten high. Or played video games. Or something. I guess that’s what makes us different. I cut myself off, she looks for a connection, no matter how frayed.

I looked in her eyes. She wasn’t pretty but I had a hard on. She looked fragile. I felt powerful. That was probably what did it. She unzipped my pants and pulled out my cock. She got this look in her eyes that nearly made me unload on her right then. I got worried. I closed my eyes and started thinking of all the awful things that would make me hold off on coming. I thought about the Holocaust, Apartheid, Jimmy Warren’s disgusting fucking boil. I thought about Ms. Warfeld’s disgusting, fucking, saggy tits.

I overdid it.

“Is something wrong?”
“Huh.”
“What happened.”
I opened my eyes. She had that look again. I felt guilty. I wanted to call her a whore. I could never call a girl a whore though. Especially one that was nice enough to put my cock in her mouth. I pulled my pants up and ran away. I forgot my CD player. My dad pulled up right as a came outside. He smelled like cigarettes and whiskey. He apologized. I told him to drive home.

The next day Sally approached me in the hallway. I panicked. I figured she was coming to call me out in front of the whole school. I saw my CD player bulging out of her left front pocket.

“I listened to your CD”
“Oh?”
“I think it really help me come to terms with the fact that we’re all gonna die and there’s nothing we can do about it. And that sometimes no matter how much control you think you have, things still won’t go your way.”
“Hmm. I like the guitars.”
“Yeah. Those are nice too.”

That night, I watched a show on TV. It was buddy cop show about two nihilist cops. It was called “Null & Void” because those were their names. Null was real cool, always coming up with one-liners and summing up the situation real well. Void was a little wild. His wife had been murdered by a couple of drug dealers before the show even started. That’s why he didn’t believe in anything, but he didn’t seem to get it like Null did. In the episode I was watching Null & Void were sitting in their squad car near a farm. I think somebody found a body out there, I don’t remember though. They were waiting to hear from the boss so they were just shooting the shit.
Null: Hey, Void, who’s a cow’s favorite philosopher?
Void: Uhhhh, I don’t know Null, who?
Null: Albert Ca-mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
(Void starts laughing)
(Void starts laughing too hard)
(Void starts crying)
Null: Hey, hey man what’s the matter?
Void: (sobbing) Marie loved cows.
Null: Oh, yeah, I bet she did.
Void: (sobbing) Why did the Universe take her from me Null?
Null: Goddammit, Void, the Universe doesn’t care about your wife. All the Universe cares about is maintaining a strict order of chaos!

I guess he was right.



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user ratings (105)
Chart.
3.9
excellent

Comments:Add a Comment 
iarescientists
December 24th 2010



5863 Comments

Album Rating: 4.5

read a bunch of james franco short stories

thought i'd try my hand at being a shitty writer

merry christmas

TheSpirit
December 24th 2010



17186 Comments


This is awesome especially the part about the soup

Digging: vhmnt / blsphm - vhmnt / blsphm

Schizophrenik
December 24th 2010



829 Comments


thats one of the first reviews I actually read all the way through. good job.

Spare
December 24th 2010



5252 Comments

Album Rating: 4.0

review is best as fuck

Digging: Radiator Hospital - Torch Song

Relinquished
December 24th 2010



24470 Comments


so awesome damn it I can't take it all inside at once

iarescientists
December 25th 2010



5863 Comments

Album Rating: 4.5

thx dawgs

thought i'd get lambasted for being a pretentious blowhard

but praise is nice too

CompanionCube
December 25th 2010



977 Comments


lol at the james franco short stories

shitty pretentious writing makes me feel so much better about myself thanks bro i needed this

Electric City
Staff Reviewer
December 25th 2010



15727 Comments


this is fantastic

Digging: Alvvays - Alvvays

Zion
December 25th 2010



812 Comments


love LTIY, will have to listen to this. And very cool review.

iarescientists
December 25th 2010



5863 Comments

Album Rating: 4.5

oh yeah also been working on gravity's rainbow so that's probably why my transitions are so fucked

oh well time to go to bed so santa can come down the chimney and steal away my existential dread

Transient
December 25th 2010



1461 Comments


trying too hard but still awesome

gaslightanthem
December 25th 2010



5209 Comments


haha laughed hard, real good review

Voivod
Staff Reviewer
December 25th 2010



5921 Comments


”Waiter what’s this feedback doing in my soup?”
“Analyzing the complexity and absurdity of life through noise”
“Bring it back.”


Null: Hey, Void, who’s a cow’s favorite philosopher?
Void: Uhhhh, I don’t know Null, who?
Null: Albert Ca-mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo






lolololololololololol

just awesome stuff, have a pos

Digging: Essence Beyond - Carnivalism

slep
December 25th 2010



1604 Comments


this is why you should write more

awesome review/band/album/blah

joplinpicasso
January 29th 2011



427 Comments

Album Rating: 3.5

They think we're not for real.

We'll show them how we feel.

The world starts coming DOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNN.


(review is almost a bit Don DeLillo-esque, not that he's shitty)

huskerdoo
February 15th 2011



226 Comments


”Waiter what’s this feedback doing in my soup?”
“Analyzing the complexity and absurdity of life through noise”
“Bring it back.”

fucking hell yeah

Enotron
March 6th 2011



7695 Comments


best review on sputnik.

kitsch
March 13th 2011



5107 Comments

Album Rating: 4.0

surprised this hasnt been deleted

DinoX
October 14th 2011



3582 Comments


wtf is this review lol

iarescientists
October 14th 2011



5863 Comments

Album Rating: 4.5

i don't even



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