Joe McElderry
Wide Awake


1.0
awful

Review

by ConsiderPhlebas USER (34 Reviews)
October 27th, 2010 | 33 replies | 5,648 views


Release Date: 2010 | Tracklist

Review Summary: Come with me if you want to live.

6 of 6 thought this review was well written

Joe McElderry is the latest product to come blasting out of Simon Cowell’s talent closet, but whilst Cowell and his blank-eyed minions have discovered some worthwhile artists (well, two) their gifts to the world have generally been to music what AIDS has been to free love. Rather impressively, McElderry has flown straight to the bottom of the X Factor/American Idol spectrum, producing one of the most vapid, bile-inducing records to ever torture human ears. It’s all such a shame really, as he was easily the most polite contestant television has ever seen, to the point that criticising the guy feels like kicking a retarded dog. Unfortunately, that politeness has utterly translated to his music, leaving it perfectly, sickeningly nice. Indeed, the only way the record ever strays from the very centre of the road is in the apocalyptically awful lyrics – the best of which come in the cover version of Five for Fighting’s ‘Superman’.

I’m just a man, in a funny red sheet,
Looking for special things inside of me.


The average quality of every song on Wide Awake is about that of a b-side track from some long forgotten one hit wonder. Musically it swings between ultra-camp, drowning-in-synth balladry (‘Someone Wake Me Up’, ‘Wide Awake’) and ultra-camp, party-tune electro-pop (‘Real Late Starter’, ‘Fahrenheit’). And mired amongst it all is McElderry’s polite voice, being polite, all the time, forever. He would make an outstanding call-centre operative – that easy tone would make it so pleasant to discover you’ve gone into an unplanned overdraft. Yes, he can carry a note, and he can obviously point his mouth towards a microphone, but should he really have been put in this situation? Were people really waiting for a new Cliff Richard to come and tear the world up? Is it really worth going on? Is it???



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user ratings (8)
Chart.
1.8
poor
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Comments:Add a Comment 
ConsiderPhlebas
October 27th 2010



6157 Comments


Worst thing I've ever heard by a mile

Xenophanes
Emeritus
October 27th 2010



10585 Comments


"to the point that criticising the guy feels like kicking a retarded dog" But I think criticizing should have a z instead of an s, or at least that's what spell check tells me.

^Made the review for me. Awesome work yet again. Pos.


Digging: United Nations - The Next Four Years

ConsiderPhlebas
October 27th 2010



6157 Comments


Cheers, man. I think the English spelling is with an s. Will check, though.

Knott-
Emeritus
October 27th 2010



10194 Comments


Erm the cover of Superman is FUCKING HORRIBLE.

MAKING ME GENUINELY ANGRY.

ConsiderPhlebas
October 27th 2010



6157 Comments


It's fucking heinous, you're right

Knott-
Emeritus
October 27th 2010



10194 Comments


It would be a bad song even IF the original weren't so good.

taco1234
October 27th 2010



7 Comments


The cover of Superman literally just made me throw up all over my monitor.

ConsiderPhlebas
October 27th 2010



6157 Comments


Retarded dog was already beaten to death by RATM.

Pos'd.



haha yes. We need them now more than ever.


It would be a bad song even IF the original weren't so good.



Is it good? The lyrics don't suggest that...



BallsToTheWall
October 27th 2010



44164 Comments


Such a good looking young man, it's like Edward and Emmit mated and had a gay child.

Knott-
Emeritus
October 27th 2010



10194 Comments


Listen to it! Oh my God listen to it! Five For Fighting. The lyrics are completely different in their context.

ConsiderPhlebas
October 27th 2010



6157 Comments


hmm, it sounds ok. Need to rid myself of the memory of McElderry's abomination before I can really tell, though.


Such a good looking young man, it's like Edward and Emmit mated and had a gay child.


He even has nice teeth.



Knott-
Emeritus
October 27th 2010



10194 Comments


Idk 5 for fighting are ridiculously cheesy but in no way generic, a very weird band. If you like them at all look up '100 Years' and 'Love Song'.

ConsiderPhlebas
October 27th 2010



6157 Comments


Listening to 100 Years now. Pretty chill stuff, kinda like it.

AliW1993
Contributing Reviewer
October 27th 2010



7315 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0

Really good review, first paragraph made me lol.

Im from Newcastle like McElderry, and pretty much everyone seems to claim to know him or be some distant relation, it's genuinely infuriating.

Also the whole camp disco things only to appeal to is new audience since he came out.

ConsiderPhlebas
October 27th 2010



6157 Comments


Yeah, I'm guessing they've aimed it at young girls and the gay scene. Can't believe people want to be connected with this guy. And thanks, man.

AliW1993
Contributing Reviewer
October 27th 2010



7315 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0

I've only heard the single, but it seemed to me that he was trying to sound like the Scissor Sisters.

And yeah, I can't understand it either but when the X Factor was on last year you couldn't move for the long lost relatives.

ConsiderPhlebas
October 27th 2010



6157 Comments


The disco ones on the album are very SS, but this guy makes them look like Pink Floyd in comparison.

AliW1993
Contributing Reviewer
October 27th 2010



7315 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0

Haha yeah, I'm listening to this now. Tbh I don't think it's a 1 but it's certainly poor as expected.

ConsiderPhlebas
October 27th 2010



6157 Comments


I just couldn't see anything good in it at all. What would you give it, man?

AliW1993
Contributing Reviewer
October 27th 2010



7315 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0

2. I can see how people would find this catchy, but in reality it's just the same processed generic recycled shit Cowell specialises in. Tbh it was slightly better than I expected it to be, but that's not exactly saying much. Also The Climb seems embarrassingly out of place thrown on at the end.



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