Neil Diamond
The Essential Neil Diamond


5.0
classic

Review

by OFace USER (15 Reviews)
October 26th, 2010 | 20 replies


Release Date: 2001 | Tracklist

Review Summary: Chances are, your only experience with Neil involves sweaty, fat bridesmaids screaming "BOP BOP BOP" after the chorus of "Sweet Caroline."

Don’t let the fact it’s almost a certainty your Grandmother really wanted to bang Neil Diamond deter you. Aside from having a voice like Butter, Neil can’t be blamed for being a straight up sexual being. Sure, he probably hasn’t nailed as many now dried-up prom queens as quintessential lady killer Tom Jones, but it’s pretty safe to assume Neil has found his way into quite a few treasure chests, just like the way his watershed songs are ingrained into the very souls of anyone over the age of 40. But we’re not 40, and chances are, your only experiences with Neil Diamond involve the atrociously sh*tty Jack Black vehicle “Saving Silverman” and the onslaught of sweaty, fat bridesmaids screaming “BOP BOP BOP” after the chorus of “Sweet Caroline” at every single wedding dance you’ve ever been to. Well guess what fatties, Neil didn't put those Bops in the song, which means he didn't want them there, which means you should probably just shut the hell up.

If you don’t yet have an appreciation for Neil, I suggest you correct this post-haste in an effort to avoid being labeled a colossal idiot. Aside from his aforementioned endearing qualities, Neil also happens to be one of the greatest songwriters in history. You know that catchy little number called “I’m a Believer” that was bastardized and made famous by a bunch of puny virgins called the Monkees? Neil wrote that. There’s a little song called “He Aint Heavy, He’s My Brother,” which turned out to be the Hollie’s greatest achievement. Too bad it was written by the Jazz God himself. Maybe you’ve come across that little number called “Red Red Wine,” although certainly to your dismay it was sung by a bunch of totally lame white wet-ends trying to sound Jamaican. Neil’s original is better, just like his original “Kentucky Woman” pretty much slays Deep Purple’s version. There’s a pretty good chance you saw “Pulp Fiction,” and the lead single for the Soundtrack was a masterful pop number called “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon.” It’s quite unfortunate that most of the idiots who've heard the song think it was penned by an insidiously wretched band called Urge Overkill, when in all actuality, it might be the best song Neil ever did.

So you’ve heard these songs, and you’ve heard “Sweet Caroline.” Now you need to dig deeper. You need to throw on some “Cracklin Rosie” and sing to the skies with Neil. You need to hear the slow burning dusty classic “Forever in Blue Jeans” unless you are old enough to remember that Levi’s commercial with Will Farrell pretending, and failing, to be The Diamond. If “Thank The Lord For the Lifetime” and the enormously catchy “Cherry Cherry” don’t move you in some way, then you don’t have a clue what rock music is. If gut wrenching ballads “Hello Again,” “Love on the Rocks,” and “Song Sung Blue” don’t throw your guts around a little bit, you’re probably either a fake tough guy or a total prick. The lesson is that simply put, Neil rules big-time. If you don’t believe your Grandmother, just find out for yourself.



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user ratings (15)
Chart.
4.4
superb

Comments:Add a Comment 
OFace
October 26th 2010


173 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0

CRACKLIN ROSE YOURE A STORE BOUGHT WOMAN, BUT YOU MAKE ME SING LIKE A GUITAR HUMMIN

xfearbefore
October 26th 2010


1245 Comments


Sweet a Neil Diamond review that doesn't suck.

Cherry, Cherry has to be one of the best gosh darned pop songs ever composed.

OFace
October 26th 2010


173 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0

SHE GOT THE WAY TO MOVE ME CHERRY!

Inveigh
October 26th 2010


24997 Comments


Oface, you're basically the greatest reviewer ever. you are a 5-star machine.

OFace
October 26th 2010


173 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0

Thanks Inveigh! Wow I didnt realize they were all 5s! LOL!

Inveigh
October 26th 2010


24997 Comments


well it's obvious that you stick to the classics. St. Anger, MC Hammer, etc.

OFace
October 26th 2010


173 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0

If you don't understand anger, you don't understand James Hetfield!

porch
October 26th 2010


8460 Comments


neil diamond was my most played last fm artist with 962 plays before i reset it yesterday

Athom
Staff Reviewer
October 26th 2010


17215 Comments


neil's the man [img]http://www.onmilwaukee.com/images/articles/ne/neildiamondbc/neildiamondbc_story3.jpg[/img]

Digging: Inigo Kennedy - Vaudeville

rainonmyparade
October 26th 2010


40 Comments


If you've ever been to college, you know at least ten tools who will karaoke Sweet Caroline just to go bop-bop-bop. F those people.

OFace
October 26th 2010


173 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0

If you've ever been to college, you know at least ten tools who will karaoke Sweet Caroline just to go bop-bop-bop. F those people.


^ Agreed!

OFace
October 26th 2010


173 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0

I also hate it when after he says "Good times never felt so good," 85 douche bags yell out SO GOOD! SO GOOD! SO GOOD!

BigHans
October 26th 2010


26454 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0

FUCK. YES.

BigHans
October 26th 2010


26454 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0

MONEY TALKS, BUT IT DONT SING AND DANCE AND IT DONT WALK

BigHans
October 26th 2010


26454 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0

Yes you must

BigHans
October 26th 2010


26454 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0

I know, but in a good way

Apollo
October 26th 2010


10307 Comments


great review OFACE! You are the fucking man

BigHans
October 3rd 2011


26454 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0

brilliant review

random
August 12th 2012


2262 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0

"Cracklin' Rosie" is apparently on Skate 3.

camaraderie
October 2nd 2012


988 Comments

Album Rating: 4.5

how is this not a compilation?



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