Review Summary: The Impossible and Short Journey of, The Platinum Space Vessel of Everlasting Awe and Unnecessary Killing1 of 2 thought this review was well written
Such a glorious sight could only be sculpted by the most proficient of species. The space vessel was 1257 times the size of a small Earth house. As I stepped onto the solid floor of the entrance, the universally acclaimed album, Surfing the Void, automatically played in sync with the roaring engine. It was time to anticipate the sound equivalent of the graceful Sushwiphtz to haunt my turquoise eardrums. I was about to embark on a journey, something never achieved by Htisquak kind. I would traverse the universe.
The Awbic award winning song ‘Echoes’ hit my floppy, speckled ears as I strolled into the gaping mouth of the space vessel. ‘Echoes’ was popular amongst adventures such as the great me. It was a song to dance to, to fly ships to, and to gut Datarg’s systematically while reading the latest poetry. The song had rather emotionally detached vocals – almost as if a spirit alien had possessed a great beast and then attempted to sing (a poor metaphor, but I have more pressing matters to attend to). The chorus itself had won a Charkzut award, an award of highest caliber only given to the best of 10,000,000 nominees. Some even worshiped the song (this involves listening to the song ten times a day for the rest of your life), an especially demanding task for those with an infinite lifespan.
I rested my holographic hands on the control mechanisms and let go a heavy sigh. As ‘Echoes’ ended, my slightly purple ears awaited the majesty of the equally glorious song, ‘The Same Space’. The lyrics consumed my thoughts as I contemplated my emotional attachment to the ship. The jumpy guitars in the verse told a tale of my previous joys playing cards, or perhaps of my youth; the memorable chorus only furthered this thought. It was similar to the joy of a motherclucker giving birth to her first child, and then watching the child leap around on twelve new legs.
With a bit of nervous excitement, I allowed the ship to release itself from the landing platform. Activating the primal thrusters, The Platinum Space Vessel of Everlasting Awe and Unnecessary Killing drifted into space. At that exact moment, ‘Surfing the Void’ echoed the halls as it boomed through the ship-wide speaker system. It was an odd song, but no more peculiar than a Berzilliok (a flute of some sort that naturally grows from trees). From the occasional falsetto in the verse to the chaotic screams (clearly influenced by nu-metal) in the chorus, it was the perfect song for an aggressive ride through space. I punched the hyperdrive.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a sofa appeared on the view screen. I, as a wise man, knew this as a sign of impending doom. Sofas were a favorite of the space scourges called The Fraw, an ancient race who dedicated their lives to perfecting Sofa Death Machines. With nervous energy, I scanned the ship for life-signs - thankfully, there were none to be found. I gave a sigh of relief as the next song from the album played. ‘Valley Of The Calm Trees’ would surely calm my nerves. Although the music was certainly relaxing, it was also a pure joyride of a song. The chorus was quick-paced and repetitive, something that could cause even the strongest of heart to receive a heart-attack from. Not wanting to die (even though it was especially catchy and similar to ‘Echoes’ and ‘The Same Space’), I skipped to the next track.
Needing to stop the highly advanced space vessel for Acid (the equivalent of gasoline), I found the nearest Acid Station. Suddenly, a grand realization dawned on me - I had reached the end of the universe. To celebrate, I popped a sugary hallucinogenic pill. ‘Venusia’ was best while hallucinating. Easily the trippiest and scariest chorus in the album, my mind imagined a grand army of green men about to kill me while they licked ice cream cones. Wanting more vivid hallucinations, I switched songs. ‘Extra Astronomical’, ‘Flashover’, and ‘Cypherspeed’ were the most preferable for instigating hallucinations. As I slowly gained my ordinary conscious mind, I figured it was time to end the trip on a celebratory note. With this in mind, I played ‘Future Memories’ first, with ‘Twin Flames’ after. ‘Twin Flames’ was a fantastic song with the drums pounding clamorous notes, the extensive use of the tom-toms. Once I reached the truly impressive chorus, I safely acknowledged the end of an impossible journey.
- The Same Space
- Valley Of The Calm Trees
- Twin Flames