Review Summary: The grimmest and most necrosatanically evil thing ever recorded.
It was a very very very very dark and scary night in the northernmost and iciest regions ov northern Norway. The Necrowizard, Seth Pvtnam, in all his blasphemovsly necrosatanic might, was watching over his herd ov Grim and Frostbitten Moongoats ov the North
, all ov which had a single pvrpose in life: to be sacrificed to Satan in the dark ov night vnder the infernal gaze ov the Blasphemovs Moon. After sacrificng 66 ov them to Satan and making very very very blasphemovs snowcones ovt ov their blood, the Necrowizard heard the sovnd ov Forlorned Invocations Ov Blasphemovs Congregations Ov Lvsting Goat Sodomizing Sathanis
in the air. These sovnded to be his vnholy acolytes, so he proceeded to locate the congregation, with the intent ov participating in some goat sodomizing ritvals with his frostbitten followers. However, vpon his location ov the congregation, he saw that they were nothing more than a band ov lvkewarm and very vngrim posers, and proceeded to grimpale them with many blasphemovs and very very very cold grimcicles. In order to calm his vnholy rage, after eating the posers, he travelled to the 6,666 ft. Mt. Necrodeathmortem and began Gazing At The Blasphemovs Moon While Perched Atop A Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Forsaken Crest Ov The Northern Movntain
This calmed his infernal rage, bvt he had eaten too many vngrim posers, so he decided that Bloodlvstfvlly Praising Satan's Vnholy Almightiness In The Woods At Midnight
wovld probably do the trick to cvre his lvkewarm stomachache. He then decided to visit his satanic friend the Northern Hellwitch, and vpon arriving at her vnholy residence in a very northern and grim Norwegian fjord, he witnessed many Noctvrnal Cavldrons Aflame Amidst The Northern Hellwitch's Perpetval Blasphemy
. This devotion to the hellish arts warmed his necroheart, and he decided to perform an evil ritval ov his own. He began Transfixing The Forbidden Blasphemovs Incantation Ov The Conjvring Wintergoat
in order to increase his necrosatanic power over the world. Seeing as how his vltimate goal was to bring abovt the existence ov Planet Norway, he needed all the power he covld get. However, he was feeling especially grim and frostbitten after this, so he traveled vp Mt. Necrodeathmortem in the -666 degree weather throvgh the 666 inches ov snow vntil he came vpon the vnholy realm ov the Necrobobsledders, where he began Mastvrbating On The Vnholy Inverted Tracks Ov The Grim & Frostbitten Necrobobsledders
He then remembered that he had a meeting with his colleagve the Necroyeti to discvss matters ov Satan and Planet Norway, so he got into his grim and frostbitten satancanoe and began Awaiting The Blasphemovs Abomination Ov The Necroyeti While Sailing On The Northernmost Fjord Ov Xzfgiiizmtsath
. After their meeting, the two friends witnessed an inverted poser Lvstfvlly Worshipping The Inverted Moongoat While Skiing Down The Inverted Necromovntain Ov Necrodeathmortem
. They were filled with rage at the sight ov this very very very very very vngrim mallcoreposerscene kid pretending to care abovt necrosatanic ritval, so they promptly sacrificed and ate him. The Necroyeti then had to take a leak before participating in the pair's next blasphemovs ritval, so the Necrowizard sat and began Awaiting The Frozen Blasphemy Ov The Necroyeti's Lvsting Necrobation Vpon The Altar Ov Voxrfszzzisnzf
. After the Necroyeti retvrned, the pair travelled to the dark and cold moonforest, and began Svmmoning The Vnholy Frozen Winterdemons To The Grimmest And Most Frostbitten Inverted Forest Ov Abazagorath
, after which the Necroyeti had to meet another appointment, this time with the Northern Hellwitch, and the two parted ways. The Necrowizard then svmmoned the lvsting necrocorpse, and began to perform yet another necrosatanic ritval, this time to give power and assistance to his acolytes Mayhem, who were in the process ov killing each other and writing an albvm that was very pleasing to the Necrowizard's ears. However, an acolyte walked in on the ritval and became Entranced By The Northern Impaled Necrowizard's Blasphemovs Incantation Amidst The Agonizing Abomination Ov The Lvsting Necrocorpse
. The Necrowizard, seeing that this heathen was a trve follower and not jvst another lvkewarm poser, promptly invited him to come with him to the Grim and Frostbitten Gay Bar
for a bit ov vber-satanic necrorelaxation, seeing as how the Necrowizard trvely needed rest after his bvsy day ov goat sodomizing necrosatanic ritvals.
Afterwards, the Necrowizard had the vnholy inspiration to make an albvm abovt his night ov necrosatanicness in order to reach ovt and convert more acolytes to his cavse ov Planet Norway. He svmmoned his most trvsted acolytes and they crafted an albvm ov acovstic black metal more grim and evil than anything that had ever been written before it. It was made vsing only acovstic gvitars and frenzied kneeslapping, along with the Necrowizard's vnholy wails. The lyrics were so trve and grim that none bvt the necrowizard can tell yov what they are saying. Hence ends the story ov this masterpiece ov necrosatanicness: may the Necrowizard grimmly frown vpon yovr insignificant lives.