Impaled Northern Moonforest
Impaled Northern Moonforest


5.0
classic

Review

by Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration USER (56 Reviews)
September 7th, 2010 | 62 replies


Release Date: 1997 | Tracklist

Review Summary: The grimmest and most necrosatanically evil thing ever recorded.

It was a very very very very dark and scary night in the northernmost and iciest regions ov northern Norway. The Necrowizard, Seth Pvtnam, in all his blasphemovsly necrosatanic might, was watching over his herd ov Grim and Frostbitten Moongoats ov the North, all ov which had a single pvrpose in life: to be sacrificed to Satan in the dark ov night vnder the infernal gaze ov the Blasphemovs Moon. After sacrificng 66 ov them to Satan and making very very very blasphemovs snowcones ovt ov their blood, the Necrowizard heard the sovnd ov Forlorned Invocations Ov Blasphemovs Congregations Ov Lvsting Goat Sodomizing Sathanis in the air. These sovnded to be his vnholy acolytes, so he proceeded to locate the congregation, with the intent ov participating in some goat sodomizing ritvals with his frostbitten followers. However, vpon his location ov the congregation, he saw that they were nothing more than a band ov lvkewarm and very vngrim posers, and proceeded to grimpale them with many blasphemovs and very very very cold grimcicles. In order to calm his vnholy rage, after eating the posers, he travelled to the 6,666 ft. Mt. Necrodeathmortem and began Gazing At The Blasphemovs Moon While Perched Atop A Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Forsaken Crest Ov The Northern Movntain.

This calmed his infernal rage, bvt he had eaten too many vngrim posers, so he decided that Bloodlvstfvlly Praising Satan's Vnholy Almightiness In The Woods At Midnight wovld probably do the trick to cvre his lvkewarm stomachache. He then decided to visit his satanic friend the Northern Hellwitch, and vpon arriving at her vnholy residence in a very northern and grim Norwegian fjord, he witnessed many Noctvrnal Cavldrons Aflame Amidst The Northern Hellwitch's Perpetval Blasphemy. This devotion to the hellish arts warmed his necroheart, and he decided to perform an evil ritval ov his own. He began Transfixing The Forbidden Blasphemovs Incantation Ov The Conjvring Wintergoat in order to increase his necrosatanic power over the world. Seeing as how his vltimate goal was to bring abovt the existence ov Planet Norway, he needed all the power he covld get. However, he was feeling especially grim and frostbitten after this, so he traveled vp Mt. Necrodeathmortem in the -666 degree weather throvgh the 666 inches ov snow vntil he came vpon the vnholy realm ov the Necrobobsledders, where he began Mastvrbating On The Vnholy Inverted Tracks Ov The Grim & Frostbitten Necrobobsledders.

He then remembered that he had a meeting with his colleagve the Necroyeti to discvss matters ov Satan and Planet Norway, so he got into his grim and frostbitten satancanoe and began Awaiting The Blasphemovs Abomination Ov The Necroyeti While Sailing On The Northernmost Fjord Ov Xzfgiiizmtsath. After their meeting, the two friends witnessed an inverted poser Lvstfvlly Worshipping The Inverted Moongoat While Skiing Down The Inverted Necromovntain Ov Necrodeathmortem. They were filled with rage at the sight ov this very very very very very vngrim mallcoreposerscene kid pretending to care abovt necrosatanic ritval, so they promptly sacrificed and ate him. The Necroyeti then had to take a leak before participating in the pair's next blasphemovs ritval, so the Necrowizard sat and began Awaiting The Frozen Blasphemy Ov The Necroyeti's Lvsting Necrobation Vpon The Altar Ov Voxrfszzzisnzf. After the Necroyeti retvrned, the pair travelled to the dark and cold moonforest, and began Svmmoning The Vnholy Frozen Winterdemons To The Grimmest And Most Frostbitten Inverted Forest Ov Abazagorath, after which the Necroyeti had to meet another appointment, this time with the Northern Hellwitch, and the two parted ways. The Necrowizard then svmmoned the lvsting necrocorpse, and began to perform yet another necrosatanic ritval, this time to give power and assistance to his acolytes Mayhem, who were in the process ov killing each other and writing an albvm that was very pleasing to the Necrowizard's ears. However, an acolyte walked in on the ritval and became Entranced By The Northern Impaled Necrowizard's Blasphemovs Incantation Amidst The Agonizing Abomination Ov The Lvsting Necrocorpse. The Necrowizard, seeing that this heathen was a trve follower and not jvst another lvkewarm poser, promptly invited him to come with him to the Grim and Frostbitten Gay Bar for a bit ov vber-satanic necrorelaxation, seeing as how the Necrowizard trvely needed rest after his bvsy day ov goat sodomizing necrosatanic ritvals.

Afterwards, the Necrowizard had the vnholy inspiration to make an albvm abovt his night ov necrosatanicness in order to reach ovt and convert more acolytes to his cavse ov Planet Norway. He svmmoned his most trvsted acolytes and they crafted an albvm ov acovstic black metal more grim and evil than anything that had ever been written before it. It was made vsing only acovstic gvitars and frenzied kneeslapping, along with the Necrowizard's vnholy wails. The lyrics were so trve and grim that none bvt the necrowizard can tell yov what they are saying. Hence ends the story ov this masterpiece ov necrosatanicness: may the Necrowizard grimmly frown vpon yovr insignificant lives.



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user ratings (62)
Chart.
4.1
excellent

Comments:Add a Comment 
wyankeif1337
September 7th 2010


6739 Comments


I know that it's not a real review and will probably be deleted. I was bored, and I felt like writing it.
http://www.inm.acousticblackmetal.org/
You can download it somewhere on that site.

TheSpirit
September 7th 2010


17944 Comments


hahahahahahah

FadeToBlack
September 7th 2010


11034 Comments


i remember watching a music video for one of the songs on youtube, one of the funniest things ive seen

Spare
September 7th 2010


5322 Comments


gonna bookmark this sonbitch

vanderb0b
September 7th 2010


3473 Comments

Album Rating: 4.5 | Sound Off

You, sir, have my pos. Downloading this now, sounds satanic and frostbitten, like all good bm.

wyankeif1337
September 7th 2010


6739 Comments


here are the music vids:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8cPTlFpx9o - flash
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMJxGhIh8SE - fanmade live

FadeToBlack
September 7th 2010


11034 Comments


haha yes its the first video

tbqh its a pretty good song

thebhoy
Emeritus
September 7th 2010


4461 Comments


ahahahaha nice

vanderb0b
September 7th 2010


3473 Comments

Album Rating: 4.5 | Sound Off

Listened to a couple songs. Trve kvlt krieg.

First video was awesome, the second was cool too. The satanic ritual scene made me lol hard.

SCREAM!
September 7th 2010


10256 Comments


This is comedic genius

wyankeif1337
September 7th 2010


6739 Comments


Thanks for the feedback: better than I thought it'd be. I honestly was expecting a bunch of "wtf" and "fucking retarded," but no.

OvrotLivesAgain
September 8th 2010


1497 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0

This is awesome.
Great Artwork too.

TheSpirit
September 8th 2010


17944 Comments


"The Arrival Of The Necroyeti" rules

wyankeif1337
September 8th 2010


6739 Comments


wait, which one is that?

TheSpirit
September 8th 2010


17944 Comments


"Awaiting The Blasphemous Abomination Of The Necroyeti"

The video on youtube had a different name but it probably meant that one.

OvrotLivesAgain
September 8th 2010


1497 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0

It does rape.
Pretty brutal.

wyankeif1337
September 8th 2010


6739 Comments


well, a bunch of people have done other necrowizard-focused ABM, so that might be what that was. but none of it is nearly as grim as the ORIGINAL, right here.

heck, my friends and I even did some of this a while back. i still got it on my itunes. the titles are ridiculously long, and there are no lyrics except for the occasional Satan. perfectly evil ripoff of INM

sunbunman
September 8th 2010


13 Comments


rofl best album cover EVAR

Locrian
September 8th 2010


1003 Comments


"Grim and Frostbitten Gay Bar"

wyankeif1337
September 10th 2010


6739 Comments


satan dammit, this has to get to 666 views.



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