Review Summary: The best thing to happen to New Jersey since Jersey Shore!7 of 7 thought this review was well written
Have you ever listened to Iwrestledabearonce
and thought to yourself, you know what this music needs!? More breakdowns, more synth, sound bites from random sci-fi and historical movies, insane amounts of snare use, beefed up Attack Attack!
style electronic interludes, and God help me – an MC whose sole job it was to hype up the music ala Lil John? Then today is your day, because Preschool Tea Party Massacre have more than answered the call with their album Hardcore Died With Hitler
in which they prove it did.
According to the bands Myspace they are a fusion of death metal, grind, and techno creating the genre known as cybercore; which I can believe since it’s so utterly obvious all twenty six tracks were created with the perfection of GarageBand. Except it becomes confusing to learn there are an unnecessary nine members whose jobs range from, and I quote, “Concubine - Drum Programming + Effects, Supreme Allah – Vocals (lol), Easy Money – Guitar (lol) + Drum Programming, + Vocals (lol), The Edge – Vocals (lol) 0 For 4 Batting Average (what?), Shan Bone - Will Contribute Soon (LOL!), Stumpy - Weird Noises + Laughing + Fights Fires, Don Carnage - Over the Top Cookie Monster Vocals, Joey Waltz - Did Something, I Don't Remember What”. Now usually I wouldn’t even take crap like this seriously, but their headline says “We’re so serious it hurts” so I was left with no choice.
The music honestly isn’t even worth mentioning since every single song is the same. This isn’t an exaggeration. You take an over produced guitar riff that rips off Cannibal Corpse
and Suicide Silence
so bad it hurts, but what you’ll soon learn is that those are their sole musical influences along with things like Halo, Burger King, and Mike Jones so as much as things seem to not make any sense they really do in the end. Add some drums which were programmed to consist of one snare and cymbal and that’s about it; after about the first 6 or 7 you honestly forget they’re even a part of the songs since they’re so repetitious they blend out of the music essentially. Throw in what is the best part of the entire band - the vocals; sometimes you get these shi
tty death growls that really do sound like the Cookie Monster in rehab or something, sometimes you get random sound bites that add nothing to the quality of the experience; unless you count the quick insertion of “Disco is NOT DEAD!”, and the only redeeming factor to the album Rex of Rex Kwan Do with the only funny line in Napoleon Dynamite – “You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan over here? Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. Do you think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearin' these bad boys?” Mix all that with the random MC who shows up every five or so milliseconds saying one or two words like, “Let’s Go!” or “Jumpthefu
ckup!”, which must work cause immediately I drop everything I’m doing and start jumping, and you get Preschool Tea Party Massacre; the best thing to happen to New Jersey since Jersey Shore.