Last night I dreamt of birds. The formations they fly in. The way their unmoving patterns fall across the sky, like ribbons being draped over a sheet of paper. The way their direction of flight always seems arbitrary; unimportant. Just that they're "getting there". You know, you always see birds in flight. Never landing together. Where do birds land? Is it the same spot every time? Some city in New Jersey where the citizens have the pleasure of seeing birds land and take flight, but never get to see much of their trail. And everywhere else is doomed only to see them flying in those silly "V" patterns. Maybe they never land. Just keep flying. They probably taught me this *** in school when I wasn't paying attention.
--Yo. Wake up.
--You sound groggy. Feelin' okay?
--Yeah, I'm fine. Late night last night, but I'm good. Had a hell of a paper to write. That was a nice word, too.
--"Groggy". Nice word. Glad you used it.
--Oh. Uh, thanks. Listen, it's about time you did a new one. Review, I mean.
Selena Marie Gomez (born July 22, 1992) is an American actress and singer best known for her portrayal of Alex Russo on the Emmy Award winning Disney Channel Original Series, Wizards of Waverly Place. She has starred in the television movies, Another Cinderella Story and Princess Protection Program.
Before Disney, she had one of the kid roles on Barney & Friends. In 2008, she signed a record deal with Hollywood Records and contributed to the Tinker Bell, Another Cinderella Story and Wizards of Waverly Place soundtracks. Her band, Selena Gomez & the Scene, released their debut studio album Kiss & Tell on September 29, 2009, which was certified Gold by RIAA on March 5, 2010.
--You think so?
--Yeah. You've dropped off a bit, dude. People are sick of your silly reactionary hype. "FiRES WERE SHOT"? What is that ***, dude?
--Lay off. What's my next plan of attack?
--Is music reviewing really some kind of strategic event now? Jeez. I don't know. Joke review?
--No. ***'s too passe.
--You said it wrong.
--You said it "pass". It's "pass-ay".
--Really? Jeez. Thanks. Never knew that.
--How about you review something so ordinary it's out-of-the-ordinary?
--Like what? I already did Lady Gaga.
--No. See, *** like that is too obvious. Think deeper.
--Disney Channel artist?
--Better. But not Miley Cyrus. That's too obvious too. Do you see what I'm saying? Like, don't review Ke$ha. Review Flo Rida. That kind of thinking. Flo Rida is better material. And then even better is *** like, I don't know. Keith Urban. Defying Gravity
. I'm not sure how I made that connection, but it works. Exploit that ***.
--You want me to review Flo Rida?
--No. Stick with the Disney Channel.
--So...not Miley Cyrus. Demi Lovato?
--Maybe. Try a little deeper.
I've become more and more interested in the art of the music video. The "image" of a song. Sometimes the artist spells out the song's meaning and thus takes it from the hands of the listener. Or maybe they throw in a total non-sequitur. For fun, or maybe to make their audience think, or to *** with them (which is a wee bit on the similar side to "for fun" to be included as a separate possibility but it's going on here anyway). Or so they can be interepreted as an "artist" by doing something as easy as making a music video that has almost nothing to do with the music contained within. Or, what about those cinematic videos? I'm thinking Jay-Z's "D.O.A.". Or Drake's new (as of June 2010) video for "Find Your Love". Good stuff. Good at making the song seem better (even though they usually split the song up into parts to mesh with the "movie"; but then again, who watches these kinds of music videos purely to listen to the music?). Oh, and "Telephone". But that's too obvious.
--I'm gonna be honest, I forgot she made music.
--Probably not "forgot". I'm betting you didn't know in the first place. It's not like she's as publicized as Miley. Or even Demi.
--How many albums?
--One. Kiss & Tell
. Have fun.
--Is that all? What approach should--
she's a cute girl you know. selena i mean. "baby face". never really watched wizards of whatever, but you can tell. you know, google images or something. in fact, she's so "cute" (i'm putting emphasis on that it's a child-like "cute" (though if you're attracted to her in "that way" i don't blame you (i just might be guilty of that))) that, you know. you kind of feel weird googling her. same thing with the icarly girl. miranda something. i mean you look at their birth date on wikipedia and they're always older than they seem (selena is seventeen i think) but like. i mean you know. they still look younger than that. i wonder if i would feel bad if it was all sex she sang about. i mean, obviously that's not the case. but maybe, if it was, i would feel more creeped out by her than by myself.
My computer has a nice little set of broken pixels at the top right of the screen that I get to see every time I type something like this. I wonder what to give the album: is a 5 too obvious? Then again, could it be
anything else? It's not like I'm trying to do a "serious" review, so a 4 or 4.5 as an attempt to convince people that I "really like this" without it coming off as reactionary or as a joke (which is usually what a 5 rating does for an album like this) would be mostly useless. Another question: should I even listen to the thing? I figure that even though it's not exactly necessary, I'm a curious person and sooner or later I'd force myself to listen to the album that I've so pawned over for a while. I've grown some chin scruff lately. Not really a "beard", but enough so that I get a little freaked out whenever I brush that part of my face with the back of my hand, which I do more often than you'd think. As I'm queueing up the album's songs on Grooveshark (there are two copies of each song on the site--one set tagged as from the album "Kiss & Tell", one from "Kiss and Tell". I look it up on Wikipedia, which seems to say that the ampersand is correct. So I use those.), I find that the scruff is simply too bothersome, and, weirdly, discomforting. I finish queueing up the songs and go to shave it.
Selena Gomez's Wikipedia page has become my most-visited website.
I decide on my plan of action: listen to the album, watch all the music videos, write the review, and forget about this.
Let me deviate for a second by telling you something actually useful: the title track from Kiss & Tell
is excellent. Like, excellent
. I guess I should warn you to put yourself in a "pop music" or "guilty-pleasure" mindset, but really, the song is so infectious that you can probably be in your "I hate everything" mindset and you'll still love it. Really catchy. Totally "rocks" in a non-ironic way, too. The part right before the chorus (what is this called, anyway?) has excellent harmonies. And the chorus is just jumping-on-bed pretending-to-be-a-rockstar fun. But there's also this interesting element where some things seem to be slightly
off (how indie), like how Selena seems to pause as soon as the chorus starts off and then rushes to catch up.
i don't like the cover of kiss and tell at all no nosiree i do not and i will tell you why right now because gurl that bedazzled heart does NOT look good on those lips gurl what were u thinkin
Also excellent: "I Got U". The beat is the closest Gomez gets to "funky" (and even now that's a bit of a stretch) along with "Falling Down", with a nicely plodding real-and-programmed-drums combo. But, man, that chorus! Soaring vocals, and then when the weirdly-mixed (they sound strangely close-up, but that makes it all the more interesting) group vocals come in with the "YEAH I GOT YOU" (worth the all-caps treatment I give it), man. And then it goes into something strangely dissonant for a few seconds, which might be a) the guitar guy failing to stretch his fingers out far enough or b) Gomez gone experimental, slipping in little shards of avant-garde tendencies to prepare her Disney Channel listeners for her next project: a collaboration with Merzbow.
Who Should Selena Gomez Date Next?:
Selena Gomez is a strong, confident teen. She's been through some heartbreak in her lives but says she doesn't regret any of her mistakes. After a year of break ups and rumors fans want to see Selena Gomez with someone who will treat her well.
In the July 2010 issues of J-14 Magazine fans weigh in on who they think would be good romantic match for Selena Gomez. Michael Cera was mentioned, and although he may be a little too old for the Wizards of Waverly Place star Gomez has admitted she crushes on older guys.
Some fans wanted to see her with American Idol's Aaron Kelly. The two are the same age and have a music career in common. Not to mention how cute would those two be together?
Fans seemed really on bored to vote in the favor of Allstar Weekend's Cameron Quiseng. The cute singer and Selena Gomez have already made a Twitter connection. Maybe they could also make a romantic connection?
But most fans who participated in the voting picked David Archuleta as a great fit for Selena Gomez. I think that after all Selena's been through, especially with Nick Jonas that she should maybe be single for a while. She's still young and has plenty of time to find love.
CLICK HERE TO SEE GREAT SELENA GOMEZ PHOTOS!!
CLICK HERE TO READ MORE SELENA GOMEZ NEWS!!
***CLICK THE NAME OF YOUR FAVORITE CELEBRITY TO SEE MORE NEWS!!***
--It'd be interesting.
--Whoa! What the ***. Did not see you there. Come back for something?
--It's been a week since we last talked, dude. Have you lost track of the time?
--Maybe slightly. What'd be interesting?
--Where do you think Selena Gomez will go next?
--Honestly? Probably the same place. How many Disney Channel-bred artists are able to break out of the same over-produced, glossy pop-rock music that all of them inevitably start out with?
--Ooh. Someone sounds a little contemptuous of "the scene". (Note: the pun with Selena's band name ("Selena Gomez & The Scene") was not intentional. In this case, "the scene" refers to "the Disney Channel music scene".)
--No. Really, I do like some of her songs. But, you know, only on the level that someone can enjoy a Selena Gomez record.
--And what level is that? Is that some kind of way to make yourself feel good about enjoying this? "Well, it's no Neutral Milk Hotel."
--Oh, come on. Are you denying that no listener will really connect with something like "I Got U"?
--Was it made for that? Just enjoy it.
--And I am! Jeez, these days you are so difficult.
--You have a lot of tabs open. Doesn't that slow down your computer?
--That was a quick switch there. Afraid of losing the argument?
--Yeah, I do have a lot of tabs open. Nearly all of them about Selena. Is that creepy? I feel like it is. She's so young.
--Of course it's creepy! But it's for a good cause.
--And what would that be?
--I'm not too sure. But, at the very least, getting yourself this involved with an artist that no "serious music listener" like yourself would bat an eyelash at is a good thing. More people should be like you.
--Gee, thanks. You know, I love that vocal quirk on "Tell Me Something I Don't Know". On the word "don't". Totally cute.
--Yeah. Whatever. Don't get too riled up there.
It's true, though. I think that kind of quirk that she uses on "Tell Me Something I Don't Know" is the same kind of quirk that makes people love Joanna Newsom or Regina Spektor, or whatever. What's really key is that this little hiccup in the vocal doesn't distract from the music. It just makes it more fun. Not as a defense mechanism, or as a way to protect mediocre songwriting. Genius. Really.
Took out the trash the other day. My garage (in which three garbage cans and two recycling bins await me upon arrival) has started to look sad. Where has the garbage man been? He has not come to my house to pick up my garbage in a while. Garbage has piled up and (somewhat irrelevant to the fact that garbage has piled up in the sense that one can be blamed for the garbage man's disappearance and one cannot) rust has started to strike into the hearts of the citizens of my garage. Almost everything is brown and speckled, just as rusted things are. Even things I didn't know could rust. I wonder where the garbage man is. I imagine him sick with pneumonia, unable to come to my house because of his crippling illness. It's strange. He's only known as the "garbage man" to me. Pretty much faceless. I'm sure he's a got a wife and kids. He probably likes pistachio ice cream and bowling. His favorite subject in high school was biology. Nice guy, I'm sure.
ive started to reconsider ruling out the whole 'if she sang about sex' thing because it's starting to become more apparent that sex appeal is actually pretty key to selena gomez i mean just look at the video for 'tell me something i don't know' (can you say 'maid outfit'?). she looks damn cute in it i'll admit but there's still that creepiness pervading. also like the video has a different version of the song than grooveshark has. the chorus is changed a lot with more harmonies and more layers and the vocal quirk is slightly less prominent. man is she a cutie or what
i just learned that the 'tell me something i don't know' video is for some cinderella movie which explains the maid outfit oh man i feel dirty now
Selena Gomez has two official music videos: for "Falling Down" and "Naturally". Both are sort of difficult to extract analysis out of because they're both relatively insubstantial--which isn't to say I don't like
them, but you're not going to get much out of it. "Falling Down" has her strutting her stuff in a way that the song's pissed-off sneer requires. Essentially, the image of the video is the one projected through the song--the video, though not awful, is inessential because it parrots what you've already heard. "Naturally", a slightly worse song than "Falling Down", has a gleefully silly video, with cheesy effects and flashing lights galore. Both of these music videos are so atypically "imageless" that it becomes apparent that Selena Gomez is all about the music, baby--no ostentatious plotlines or theatrics necessary. If you like "Falling Down", you will like the "Falling Down" video, and if you like "Naturally", you'll like the "Naturally" video. Simple as that.
After I finish this review, after I analyze every aspect of this album, after I immerse myself in the whole history, after I imagine Selena Gomez's everyday life, after I press repeat until the button is wore out on my computer and it needs to be pressed with extra vigor simply to work, after I look through approximately 200 pictures on Google Images, after I scan the cover for imagery, after I dance around my bedroom for the forty minutes that the album lasts, after I read about her personal life, after I read about who she's dated in the musical world, after I download Wizards of Waverly Place, after I watch every episode, after I memorize all the lyrics, after I try them out on some of my more shameless friends to see if they recognize it, after I order a physical copy of the CD, after I try lining up certain parts of the album with episodes of Wizards of Waverly Place to see if they match up, after I kill my neighbor, after I throw his body into the river, after I do it again and again until the police start wondering about what is going on, after I drown someone by pushing his or her face into the water and don't let go don't let go don't let go die fucker you motherfucker die die die die die die die and hum the tune to "I Got U" while doing it, after I read the books that have been piling up against my bedside for quite some time now, after I pick up the phone and say "hello?", after I paint the walls green and then red and then green again, after I smash the lamp, after I turn the mattress over, after I go downstairs and drink a glass of water, after I start working out in an effort to make myself more attractive, after I look in the mirror and see my eyes burning back at me, after I open up the windows and let the light in, after I watch the television for twenty-four hours straight and fall asleep, after I look at the plant that has always been in my house but nevertheless I don't remember ever putting it there which makes me slightly nervous because there might be someone secretly breaking into my house and strategically placing plants in various rooms, after I realize that it was there before I was, after all of that--
I will delete all of Selena Gomez's music from my computer. All episodes of Wizards of Waverly Place. Delete all mentions of her from my internet history.
And go outside.
And look at the birds, flying in a V pattern southward.