Tool
Lateralus


3.0
good

Review

by Dr Hank Paulson USER (6 Reviews)
May 28th, 2010 | 107 replies


Release Date: 2001 | Tracklist

Review Summary: This could be the ideal soundtrack to your new stomach-toning regimen

A BUSINESS PROPOSITION

Hello kind sir and compliments of the season. First of all I would like to congratulate you. Congratulations. I am Mr. Chung Yeun. Though we may not be familiar with each or the other, I assure you that there is full honesty and willingness for deal to be made. You may be surprised how I got your contact address – as would I but I assure you that it was found in international business directory and chosen for your qualifications.Before I go into progress with details, I would like to assure you of utmost discretion. Therefore I will appreciate that you respect my privacy in same way. As previous mentioned, my name is Mr Chung Yeun. I work with Shanghai Commercial Bank. There is sum of $12,500,000.00 and Tool album Lateralus limited edition vinyl waiting to be enjoyed. Unfortunately I am suffering from fatal cancerous disease and must be waiting for heir – double unfortunately my family was persecuted by security forces and cannot collect inheritance. I have chosen you as benefactor for great business experience and music taste.

As soon as I receive your reply of bank account details, telephone number and full address I shall commence giving of detailed instructions on how to collect fund. For now – I will enlighten you on Lateralus. Please note that following review segment attachment was printed before cancerous tissue worsened typing decline and resulted in generic “foreigner attempting to type in English” phrasings.

It is difficult to maintain a fit, supple body while working in a high powered business environment. After several years of stressful dealings, I noticed a distinct paunch underneath my highly successful business clothing. Just as the Shanghai stock exchange had recorded its worst weekly fall in in eleven months, my once perfectly sculpted abs had also disappeared under a layer of fat. I surmised that the catastrophe had been caused by my poor quality diet of salted snacks and overindulgence of caffeine energy drinks. The drinks gave me the energy to complete important online financial dealings but had wreaked vengeance on my soft skin and formidable muscles. They were truly a cruel mistress. I decided to gain retribution and started working out with the assistance of Tool’s multi-million selling classic Lateralus.

The music on this record will be dismissed by those with an untrained ear as “boring, pretentious garbage”. Those who can appreciate unique time signatures and fresh, creative melodies will know better. This album is simultaneously beautiful, motivating and strangely hypnotic – all at the same time. More importantly, the music on this disc also has all the requirements needed to push you through a difficult abs workout. It is important however to stress that this is not just a workout album - Lateralus can also be used to inspire you through a variety of activities including driving, updating anti-virus software, mindless chit-chat with associates and even routine paperwork. For optimum listening pleasure and awareness, try listening while sipping some of Maynard’s Caduceus wine. The prices are affordable and the winery is open 365 days a year.

After noticing the presence of some stunning tabla playing throughout the record, I immediately did some research to find out who the musician was. I discovered rumours that his name was Danny Carey. The tabla and drums on this album are mathematically aligned, mixed with impressive time signature changes like 9/8, 6/8, 11/4, 54/8, 15/8, 12/8, 506/4 and the theory of the Setting Sun, the meaning of which Tool reveals only to premium members of their fanclub. Of course, an analysis of Lateralus would not be complete without mentioning Maynard James Keenan’s heavenly vocals and lyrics. While listening to the songs I used a felt-tip pen to write down my thoughts on post-it notes whenever he did something that amazed me. After the album had finished playing I discovered that I had used up the entire pack of post-it notes.

There are thirteen tracks here, and not a single note is wasted. Some co-workers may say that it grows repetitive after the stunning title track. These people should go to the Lujiazui business district, tie piano wire around their necks and jump off a building, thereby decapitating themselves and causing momentous grief to onlookers. Every song on this album is well written, containing ever shifting guitar riffs, mesmerizing drumming and all round awesomeness. I guarantee that if you stick to a dedicated workout plan this CD will help you achieve the much desired “washboard abs” physique that drives pretty women wild. Too many people in today’s world live a life of mediocrity, isolated from eliteness and content with their unremarkable physique, pasty complexion, overweight girlfriend, Periphery album and Acer laptop. Getting fit should be a top priority and I firmly believe that this CD can help transform even the most loathsome individual into a true physical specimen. I don’t think anybody could ask for much more than that.



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Comments:Add a Comment 
Counterfeit
May 28th 2010


17819 Comments

Album Rating: 4.5

holy fucking shit. it has been done.


btw, pos


edit, i dont even know what im talkin bout. nvm.

SCREAM!
May 28th 2010


10342 Comments

Album Rating: 4.5

This review sounds like a 4.5. Explanations are in order

taylormemer
May 28th 2010


4944 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0 | Sound Off

lolwut. Cool, but grossly inaccurate in terms of musical analysis.

PaperTigers
May 28th 2010


209 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0

Ha, I think it's funny how many people are offended by the attention/praise this band receives. There are plenty of albums I don't like....I don't recall ever wasting more than a couple minutes thinking about them.

Zettel
May 28th 2010


602 Comments


Haha. This was funny.

ConsiderPhlebas
May 28th 2010


6157 Comments


This is great, man. Pos.

BigHans
May 28th 2010


26454 Comments

Album Rating: 4.0

Cool review.

Transient
May 28th 2010


1461 Comments

Album Rating: 3.5

incredible

H61
May 28th 2010


271 Comments


negged


jk

Ire
May 28th 2010


41822 Comments

Album Rating: 3.5

noice

ConsiderPhlebas
May 28th 2010


6157 Comments


MJ - at work at the minute, but I'll check 'em out later.




Why have people negged this? Weak.

Slipping Away
May 28th 2010


1261 Comments

Album Rating: 4.5

"Why have people negged this? Weak."

Yeah honestly people, pos'd.

Parallels
May 28th 2010


6643 Comments

Album Rating: 3.5

awesome. pos'd

illmitch
May 28th 2010


5429 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0

awesome review reminds me of some shit id see on pitchfork

thats a compliment coming from me btw

H61
May 28th 2010


271 Comments


geek chic

illmitch
May 28th 2010


5429 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0

its whats known as an eliminator spazz gif

scissorlocked
May 28th 2010


3511 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0 | Sound Off

awesome review!!!!But still why a 3?after i read it it seemed like a 4.5

Digging: Distance - Outer Limits

illmitch
May 28th 2010


5429 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0

awesome review!!!!But still why a 3?after i read it it seemed like a 4.5


http://tinyurl.com/34brs5a

porch
May 29th 2010


8460 Comments


*facepalm*

how on earth are people failing to understand this review

scissorlocked
May 29th 2010


3511 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0 | Sound Off

I still dont get it folks....



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