Review Summary: God damn it.16 of 16 thought this review was well written
Arguably the most powerful medium on earth, the Internet is the ultimate representation of what our culture is going through at any exact moment. Particularly, the homepage of Youtube has become the undisputed haven for everything relevant to the media hungry youth of today, including pop culture and news. The wealth of information and entertainment is unfathomable, so the folks at Youtube decided to help us out and pick what are known as “Featured Videos”. To a degree, these help inform us what everybody simply HAS to know to cling to the ever-propelling tyrant known as “cool”, or “relevant”. Some are left in the dust, but most keep a steady hand on what the new big thing is, what the next big thing will be, and what has become passé.
Irony has noticeably come storming into the mainstream. You’ve probably seen teenagers wearing “Frankie Says Relax, Don’t Do It” t-shirts, or noticed that Europe’s ‘The Final Countdown” has made an unprecedented comeback, racking up millions upon millions of “hits”. Yes, you’ve heard Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em, and wondered to yourself, “why? What have I done to deserve this?” despite the fact that he continues to be one of the music industry’s most prominent artists, racking up hits such as “Donk” (the song solely devoted to ass,) and “Turn My Swag On,” (featuring that golden hook “Hoppabat da biiid, turn mus waaguuhhnn, taka look in da mirra say ‘whatsup’”). Irony, my friends.
Simply put, irony is wholly embodied in the four-person(?) crunk-screamo band brokenCYDE. Their single “Freaxxx” was smashed into my face this summer, bearing the flag of being a featured video on Youtube. Reading through the comments, I gathered that this band had a very, VERY devoted following, despite the fact that half of the commenters held the band in low esteem. The other half sang their praises, commented on how they would like to “bang” one of the members, told a story about how personal the song “I’m Sorry (I Am)” was to them, and told the haters that “if they don’t like it, then why watch it?” To tell you the truth, I can’t even come up with a good answer for that (except “saying that is just an excuse for not having any defense as to why they are “good”), but here we are, two months later, nursing a perverse hatred with this band. And after listening to this entire album more than once, I have decided the following amidst the misery that I brought upon myself: brokenCYDE are absolutely, unquestionably abysmal.
Let me synopsize what brokenCYDE is all about. They combine the crunk beats of Li’l John, the vocals of that amateur metalcore band down the street, the image of your 13 year old sister’s friends, a disgusting dose of AutoTune, the lyrics of a 12 year old boy sex fantasy, and the resounding evil of Lucifer himself. Songs like the aforementioned “Freaxxx”, and the astoundingly bad “Get Crunk”, tell you grand tales of bitches and hoes making out with each other in an undisclosed club, taking off articles of clothing, and breaking into sleazy as all ***ing hell dance, all amongst some 17 year old’s randomly strewn about shrieks. I know what you’re thinking. It sounds pretty funny, right? Good for a laugh?
There is no diversity here, except for a “skit” that might actually be a substitute for Ipecac. “Get Crunk!”, “Yellow Bus” (Christ, are you kidding me?), and “Get Up” (featuring some guy even less famous than brokeNCYDE) all follow the same formula, with disastrous results. A formula that would have been bad for one song is dragged out kicking and screaming over 17. References to shaking booties fall into the dozens, lyrics about rape make their classy appearances left and right, all amidst twitching keyboards, clapping drum beats from their $200 Yamaha keyboard, and screams. Did I mention that there is screaming? There is. Screaming. Yes sir. By the time you reach the middle of the album, sticking your head into an African killer bee’s nest seems 100% sensible, anything to get rid of the pain. When Se7en or Mikl or Fat J or whoever the *** else rape your ears with the line “WE’LL GET BILLGERENT!” on “Rockstar”, it seemingly proves there is no god.
The lyrics. Unbelievable. They seem to exist only to show that these guys brought shovels to the bottom of the barrel. Let me pull you a line from “Sex Toyz,” which is surprisingly a song about having sex.
I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TEASE ME! YOU MAKE IT SEEM SO EASY! WHEN YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! GIRL YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! DAMN RIGHT HOE YOU'RE SO SLEEZY! YOU GIVE ME THE HIBBY JIBBIES! WHEN YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! GIRL YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD!
Not only do they actually SING (mumble) this line, they do so in a fashion that takes all potential humor out of it. In that moment, they ARE 17-year-old boys with hard pee pees. Somehow, I bet that they really are. Just a feeling.
So in the end, what do we have? We have “I’m Sorry”, a song from their 2007 album that had sizeable demand to be remade. They slow the tempo down from 120 BPM down to about 6, and scream about writing a letter to a former lover, proving their stunning diversity. There really isn’t much else to say, so I’ll let brokeNCYDE do the rest:
From all the pain I caused
I lost my cause
I only broke your heart
Alone I cry
I tried so hard to break you
I love you
I hate you
Why wont you let me go?
Listening to this heart wrenching display of emotion, one wonders why the hell they even bother getting up in the morning.
There is not much else to be said. I’ve tried hard to think of a suitable way to end this review, and the best I’ve come up with is a string of profanities, finger pointing, and over-the-top “what I would rather do than listen to brokeNCYDE” statements. Look, simply put, this is an abomination. And before you dismiss it as a joke, not only remind yourself that they are making money from this (this debuted at 86 on the Billboard 200, with sales of over 6,000 in it’s first week), but look at their fans. They love these guys, and not because they are supposed to be ironic. They love them because they actually have feelings for their music. Far from it for me to say that people’s opinions are wrong, but this is an exception. brokeNCYDE are appalling, and the only consolation is that in a few months nobody will remember who they are. But oh, how long these summer months go by.