Review Summary: What you are about to read......................... is complete fiction.5 of 11 thought this review was well writtenNovember 23, 2008
It’s the first day of my assignment of uncovering the mystery behind the epic new takeover that is “crabcore”. A quick briefing for those reading this document, the band Attack Attack!
are being sued for the deaths of over 22 people, speculated to be their entire fan base, that occurred over a weeks time after the release of their CD Someday Came Suddenly
. Reports indicated that apparently during a function held in order to promote the release, a drinking game was held where people who wanted to partake were instructed to take one shot of liquor during every breakdown in each song. The reasoning to why these people then passed away by the end of the night and why the band is being blamed still hang in question. This is where I come in; my duty is to figure out what happened at that party and/or what is on this CD that would cause so many deaths at a timely manner.
November 25, 2008
My first credible source Wikipedia shows no information for this “crabcore” I keep hearing about, so I think that this word is either a stiffened dead end promoted by the band, or is the key to why people are dying over this music; more news to come as soon as I find it. For now, all I have to report is the band refuses to answer any questions at the moment regarding the issue, so the task is going to be a little harder than first imagined.
December 1, 2008
I decided I would head to the bands studio with a warrant, just to see if I could find anything alluding to the cause of the deaths. When I arrived, things were much worse than I had expected. There we’re posters everywhere of Daft Punk and some band “Hollywood” with the word Undead written right underneath it, in what I believe was blood. The brutality of it all disgusted me. They glorified mainstream music rebels Korn, with hundreds of their album, “See You On the Other Side” sprawled across several desks, I believe these may have been their blue prints to executing their “plan”. Maybe the most shocking of all were their computer screens which all showed lyrics by artists like Underoath, Sky Eats Airplane and what appeared to be a couple of lines from the movie “The Devil Wears Prada”. As appalling as all of this was, none of it was enough to convict the band of any wrong doing, so I needed more evidence.
December 12, 2008
As far as I knew, the term “crabcore” was this master plan to unleash a wave of crustaceous animals upon the world to bring its destruction and this band would then claim their throne as rulers. If this was in fact the “plan” I had little time to waste, so I headed to the next obvious source for more in depth research. YouTube. I immediately looked up a video and it’s comments for these guys and found tons of shocking material.
: “crabcore or not these guys are gonna rule give em time!”
: “I’m playing with these guys in 2 weeks, we’re gonna destroy.”
: “if you don’t like them don’t post here! *** everyone who doesn’t like this band!”
It was here I realized I was wrong about the bands following being completely wiped out at the function in question. The only thing is, nobody else knew, so I need to warn people. More updates to follow.
December 16, 2008
We believe that the band, Attack Attack! are planning to unleash they’re plan to the world at an upcoming concert, in particular the one xryanlovesyouall6777x
mentioned. Since he’s our only credible source at the moment we’re going to find his location and completely take over the concert area, during their performace we’ll be on the look out for anything supicious.
December 30, 2008
It’s the day of the concert, and I’ve decided to have my words transcribed on the spot so we don’t miss any details. So far nothing supicious is happening, I don’t see any signs pointing towards an unleashing of crabs, or any other animals for that matter. In fact nobody is talking about Attack Attack!
here, I’m beginning to worry I’ve been mislead, I’ll keep you all updated.
So it’s 5 minutes till their set starts and nobody is here, this could either mean bad things are to come, or we’ve been preparing for this moment for nothing. Oh wait I was just offered to play a game with a few people, the rules sound strikingly similar to those at the function in question. I’ll agree to partake, maybe I can find some clues leading up to the event.
Attack Attack! are now performing, my guess is it’s about 3 minutes into their set and I’m already 4 shots in. This may be a long night. I’m now asking people if they know anything about a crab take over, but everyone is becoming too belligerent to understand what I’m saying. It’s their 3rd song and I’ve had 12 shots. I was only able to differentiate between songs, because every 2 minutes or so the girl next to me screams, “I LOVE THIS SONG!”. Still no sign of crabs, and I’m becoming worried since I’m 15 shots in and I might not be of any use soon once their plan is unleashed. Oh wait! Someone is screaming “Crabcore”! I’m looking. I’m looking, but I don’t see anything alarming. Where are the crabs I’m shouting now, where!? Nobody is alarmed or seems to understand what I’m saying. Dammit another breakdown, that’s 18 shots; I may have to call off the mission, I can’t even speak right, I’ll have to edit this later. Oh my god…
August 16. 2008
That’s when I saw it, they were vile monsters hunched over their instruments like vices ready to snap. I couldn’t tell what was happening because I was so out of it at the moment, but I do know that there we’re actual crabs playing instruments that night. I’ve been so reluctant to share my story until now, for fear of nobody believing me, but I’m telling you this band has wielded a power not see before, the ability to control sea creatures and create the same tune for what I remember to be 30 minutes. And in those 30 minutes I consumed 44 shots of alcohol. As for the deaths of those 22 poor teenagers, we now know they just couldn’t hold their liquor.
disclaimer: no people, bands or crustaceans were harmed in the writing of this material. there are also no law suits pending or that have been filed against the band for reasons acknowledged in this review.