Vanilla Ice
To the Extreme


1.0
awful

Review

by Pedro B. USER (303 Reviews)
May 19th, 2009 | 34 replies | 10,039 views


Release Date: 1990 | Tracklist

Review Summary: "(Va-ni-lla!) Ice Ice Baby!"

8 of 15 thought this review was well written

Every generation of musicians seems to have a figure that inspires the less talented among us to push on to greater heights. In the 70’s, untalented punks were motivated by the sight of Sid Vicious joining a band without knowing how to play his instrument; the 80’s saw Milli Vanilli climb to the top of the charts without ever singing the songs on their records; and more recently, the insanely annoying Crazy Frog has sold ten kajillion ringtones without even being a real person.

For the 90’s, that figure was Rob Van Winkle, AKA Vanilla Ice. Along with MC Hammer and the aforementioned Milli Vanilli, Ice helped establish a triad of “musical” acts that is mocked and ridiculed to this day. And while Milli Vanilli had a ridiculous gimmick, but did not make altogether ridiculous music, the other two did. MC Hammer was merely a rapper that didn’t know how to rap; Vanilla, on the other hand, trumped him by being a white rapper that didn’t know how to rap. Furthermore, he fabricated an entire backstory as a gangbanger (in the ‘hood way, not the sexual way) that, while at first deceiving the public, soon became transparent, allowing said public to Rip Van Winkle a new one. (See what I did there?)

None of this, however, prevented either Ice or Hammer from selling millions of records. For Vanilla, his big 15 minutes came with debut album To The Extreme, released in 1990.

Now, did you ever hear that phrase “it was still the 80’s in 1990”? To The Extreme validates this statement, because nowhere in the jaded post-Nirvana musical scene would this album achieve any kind of commercial success. No, my friends – this belongs in an era of aberrantly-coloured spandex, atrocious haircuts and synth-driven dance music, who gladly lapped this up alongside their Kid'N'Play and their Cyndi Laupers.

So what do we get on this record? Well, you know when someone is trying to parody hip-hop? You know that stilted flow they deliver while their friend goes “boom-tshee-boom” with their mouth trying to sound like a boombox? Well, Vanilla Ice sounds exactly like that, except with an even worse electronic beat and some atrocious lyricism. With your drunk buddy, you at least get to have a few laughs at his expense; Van winkle, however, sounds terribly serious about it all, as he brags about how good he is with a mic and how women love him. Seriously, that’s all he talks about. His points are rammed home with the inclusion of female voices in different degrees of trance with Ice’s abilities. And he’s so goddamn literal! The second verse of Ice Ice Baby is a detailed description of a car-ride, while Hooked meticulously describes a visit to the psychiatrist. Great lyrical material, huh?!

The songwriting is also predictably atrocious. Not only are Vanilla’s raps always about the same thing, his rhyming choices are laughable and his flow never really “flows”, instead consisting of broken, breathy rhythmic talking that is often out of time with the beat. And while this is mildly amusing on superhit Ice Ice Baby, it eventually starts to grate, especially because every other song on this album sound exactly the same. By the time Ice lets loose with the Mary Poppins catchphrase, we’re way past caring.

Seriously, there comes a point where you feel like you’ve been listening to the same track for 30 minutes. There are only two instances in the entire album where Vanilla uses a different beat, and even then, his one-note rapping makes the track all too familiar. On Life Is a Fantasy, there is a slower beat, but Ice’s vocals entirely negate it. However, you haven’t lived until you’ve hear Rosta Man (sic), where Vanilla infuses his plastic beat with a fake reggae vibe and attempts a dreadful Caribbean accent. The track ends up being surprisingly not-horrible, but hearing that Jamaican dude say ”strictly from da i’laaahndz…Vanilla Ice” always cracks me up. Rob Van Winkle has about as much Caribbean in him as a Twinkie has nutritional value.

The lyrical rock bottom is attained on Dancin’, which kicks off with the lyrical gem ”come on everybody, come on everybody, come on everybody, come on come on everybody” (sic). The track later degenerates into a ridiculous roll-call for American states, which succeeds in making it even more ridiculous than it already was.

What’s even more infuriating is the fact that Ice has some really good backing samples that a real MC would kill for. Go Ill has The Almighty James Brown Sample, while Stop That Train has a female r’n’b sample that a good MC would put to great use. The same can be said for the sax on Hooked, which also helps make it a not-horrible track – as long as we forget the vocals.

In all seriousness, however, there are very few redeeming qualities to this record. It’s hard to describe how horrible stuff like Stop That Train or the turgid Ice Is Workin’ It really is, not to mention the couple of pointless “tracks” that consist of an annoying little kid saying all of one sentence before the next track kicks in. Oh well, guess Van Winkle did at least invent the skit…

If you are feeling nostalgic or want a laugh, download the Ice Ice Baby video and revel on Vanilla’s white sneakers and blonde toupee, as you wonder how anybody could have bought this guy as a hardened thug. If you want some not-horrible tunes, try Hooked or Rosta Man. If you want good music, there are hundreds of other artists out there to choose from. But then again, if you want good music, why are you checking out Vanilla Ice!?

Recommended Tracks
Ice Ice Baby
Hooked
Rosta Man



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user ratings (93)
Chart.
2.5
average

Comments:Add a Comment 
xequalscore
May 19th 2009



437 Comments


I'm not sure how you gave this a 0.5 but, I'm sure that's what it deserves.

ReturnToRock
May 19th 2009



3448 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

I'd like to dedicate this review to DaveyBoy, for inspiring me to devote my #100 review to something really silly. So instead of just a timeless classic, I chose a *silly* timeless classic. Thanks, Davey, wherever you are! This one's for you.

ReturnToRock
May 19th 2009



3448 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

actually, it's less grating with repeated listens. i might change it to a 1.0...

0.5's are given after posting the review. Rank the album a 1, then go to "edit my reviews" and click on it. a new score window will appear with an added rating above the 1 - 0.5.

Streetvulture
May 19th 2009



361 Comments


Hahaha I see radiohead news, a mewithoutYou review, cynic and then vanilla ice on the front page. that tickled me for some
reason.

liked the intro

and the whole review for the matter :D This Message Edited On 05.20.09

Meatplow
May 19th 2009



5524 Comments


this is a good review, the rip van winkle a new one gag made me lol hard

yeah, this guy blows. i always love comparing this cover to his later album hot sex, brings major lulz -

[img]http://i44.tinypic.com/15nnlvc.jpg[/img]

Streetvulture
May 19th 2009



361 Comments


that's too hot for words.

ConorMichaelJoseph
May 19th 2009



1870 Comments


Strange album for you to review, but twas a good one and I lol'd a little too, pos'd

joshuatree
Emeritus
May 19th 2009



3743 Comments


whoa we can post pics

withALMONDS
May 19th 2009



214 Comments


oh

cool
lets have a colbertigras to celebrate
[img]http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/3316/1240797599106.gif[/img]

rotterdog
May 19th 2009



488 Comments


Awesome, hilarious review. Have a pos.

CompanionCube
May 19th 2009



977 Comments


damn it colbert is lagging

AtavanHalen
May 19th 2009



17927 Comments


Images! Fuck yeah!

Jim
May 19th 2009



5110 Comments


nice century

interesting choice and all

Asiatic667
May 20th 2009



4648 Comments


allowing said public to Rip Van Winkle a new one.

This sentence alone earns a pos from me!

@ Meatplow:

Lol,That is literally the worst album cover I have ever seen--

"Wow, SO SEXY!"

ReturnToRock
May 20th 2009



3448 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

thank you all for the feedback. i'm still torn on whether this deserves a 1.0 or if i just leave it at 0.5

@Conor: yeah, i have these things sometimes. i'm turning into a musical masochist, i guess...but it was intentionally strange/silly.

@bahamut: thank you. let's hope the next "century" doesn't take five years to achieve, eh?

@everyone: you think this is bad...? boy, do i have an album for you... *grins wickedly*

shawtyloc
May 25th 2009



4 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0

Wait, so how is this any different from Beastie Boys' Licensed to Ill, House of Pain's Fine Malt Lyrics, or Eminem's The Slim Shady LP?

Lelle
May 25th 2009



2155 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5

or Eminem's The Slim Shady LP?


errr


Hollow
May 26th 2009



263 Comments


I hope Vanilla never pics up the mic again.

ReturnToRock
May 31st 2009



3448 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

@shawty: those guys can actually, you know, rap.

ReturnToRock
June 13th 2009



3448 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

rating updated to a 1 after much pondering.

reason: there are worse things than this.



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