Soulja Boy
Souljaboytellem.com


1.0
awful

Review

by Tyler Munro EMERITUS
September 30th, 2007 | 457 replies | 136,173 views


Release Date: 2007 | Tracklist

Review Summary: Soulja Boy takes rap to new lows with this 49 minute suckfest.

The modern rap constituency is, well, hilarious. Hurricane Chris is 'A Bay Bay'ing his way to the bank while Rich Boy founds automotive misogyny, forcefully telling us to "throw some Ds on that bitch" all the while trying to convince us he's talking about cars. Young rappers coming out today seem to govern their sound around novelty, irony and short-lived infamy.

When browsing our resident forums I stumbled into the hipster barraged Alt/Indie subsection, and that was when I came across a thread that begged a simple but important question: is there anything White people won't listen to? While playful and facetious in nature, the query hit me hard one day when I was waiting for the bus. It was about 2:30AM and the lights in the station had been shut off when, seemingly out of nowhere, I heard the clanging of steel drums and a muffled, slurred vocal delivery coming out of a gaunt, drunk white hipster's earphones. About a week later, I was in my friend's minivan when the very same sounds came blasting out of her maxed out speakers.

Now, several weeks later, I can confirm that what I heard was the next ironic rap trend. His name is Soulja Boy, and when he's not mumbling the commands to his distinctly choreographed dance routine he's painting his name on his sunglasses and spinning his bathing apes, a "feet" we're apparently told to be jealous of. Surely you've heard his ineffable single; the inescapably intolerable, yet all the while infections "Crank That".

Lo-Fi in its presentation, the track is nothing but Soulja shouting out the moves to the accompanying dance, though to consider it an accompanying dance when it's the focus of the song is, well, confusing. "Crank That" is everywhere, and surely you've heard it, but if not I'll refresh your memory…it's the song that repeatedly cries "Superman that ho".

Yet Soulja Boy's album is just preparing to drop and the single has grown tiresome; many have learnt the dance, which is nothing more than a perverse exercise in ghetto-aerobics, and the rest have grown bored with the novelty of a young southern kid mumbling into what could only be a laptop microphone.

But give credit where it's due, as Soulja Boy has done his part to let us, nay, force us into remembering his name. Whether it's a result of the song being turned into a popular ringtone, him painting his name into his sunglasses, airbrushing it on his back or using his website as the title of his album (the official title is "souljaboytellem.com"), Souljah Boy doesn't want to be the J-Kwan of 2007. So I suppose at this point you're wondering if the album stands above it's lead single.

No. No it motherfucking doesn't.

Each track on the album is seemingly built off a brief instrumental snippet from "Crank That", barring a few equally terrible exceptions. In "Snap and Roll", Soulja Boy spends nearly four minutes telling us to snap and roll, while "Pass It to Arab" spends four minutes telling us to pass it to Arab. "Sidekick" consists of Soulja Boy telling us that he loves his Sidekick, wants you to buy a Sidekick and that he appreciates the T-Mail features that come with his Sidekick. At one point, Soulja actually tells the listener that he "can't believe he wrote a song about his cell phone".

Don't worry, though, it still gets worse. "Bapes" is a 3:54 minute track that consists of Soulja endlessly slurring off the line "I got me some Bathing Apes", which some may recognize as a line from "Crank That". Other tracks have Soulja Boy reminiscing about the time he Supermanned [sic] a hoe, while some exclusively focus on the fact that he is in fact Soulja Boy and that we should "tell 'em".

The few exceptions to this rule come on the apologetic "Don't Get Mad", a track that tells parents to not get mad because their kids like Soulja Boy. "Soulja Girl" is a D-grade R&B track that gives instructions on how to be a 'Soulja Girl', which is apparently as simple as "walking like that".

To try and explain just how bad the "music" is on this disc is about as much of a masochistic exercise as listening to it. The beats are a mish-mash of shitty keyboard loops and samples from "Crank That". The lyrics, if you can call them that, are rarely no more than the song titles repeated at different tempos followed by meandering gibberish, and Soulja's delivery is akin to what Mushmouth (Fat Albert) would've sounded like when he was learning to read. It would seem that, beyond the overblown single, this album is the one thing even ironic white hipsters will be unable to sit through.

In short, I have only this to say: Fuck you, Soulja Boy. Fuck you with a motherfucking stick.



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Comments:Add a Comment 
Tyler
Emeritus
October 1st 2007



7926 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

I put about as much effort into this review as Soulja Boy did into recording the album.
Fuck you Soulja Boy.

plane
Staff Reviewer
October 1st 2007



6092 Comments


"Crank That" is everywhere, and surely you've heard it, but if not I'll refresh your memory…it's the song that repeatedly cries "Superman that hoe".

*ho
No. Not it motherfucking doesn't.

At one point, Soulja actually tells the listener that "can't believe he wrote a song about his cell phone".

Decent review otherwise. You've obviously done better but agreements all around.This Message Edited On 09.30.07

Tyler
Emeritus
October 1st 2007



7926 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

I'll fix it up a little. I haven't written anything in well over a month, so I figured I'd throw my hat back into the game with a totally worthless release. This Message Edited On 09.30.07

Iluvatar
Staff Reviewer
October 1st 2007



16083 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5 | Sound Off

We were outside waiting for Gamestop to open one morning becasue we hadnt slept the night before, and me and myfriends started doing the Soulja Boy dance outside of the store so they'd let us in early.
Glorious times.

Tyler
Emeritus
October 1st 2007



7926 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

I was disappointed when I realized how easy the dance was.

Iluvatar
Staff Reviewer
October 1st 2007



16083 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5 | Sound Off

Yeah buts its still pretty BA looking, and the look you get from mexican thrift store workers when you see 4 whites dude, a spanish guy and a black kid doing that dance is worth the price of admission.

pulseczar
October 1st 2007



2385 Comments


this kid is only 17! is he really allowed to "superman" a "ho"????

Tyler
Emeritus
October 1st 2007



7926 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

All the cursing has to be edited because he's not even old enough to have a parental advisory sticker.

Kiran
Emeritus
October 1st 2007



6001 Comments


The song titles alone make me want to assassinate him. 'Donk', 'Booty Meat', 'Pass it to Arab'...They all just scream 'I'm a talentless douchebag'.

Digging: Spoon - They Want My Soul

Tyler
Emeritus
October 1st 2007



7926 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

You should actually try listening to them. They're horrible.

ohcleverhansyou
October 1st 2007



885 Comments


Haha I love the anger in this review.

Doppelganger
October 1st 2007



3124 Comments


Crank That really makes me want to just chew my own thumbs off to distract myself from the torment of the music. Needless to say, I'll never hear this entire album.

IsItLuck?
Emeritus
October 1st 2007



4927 Comments


SUPERMAN THAT HOOOOOO

Intransit
October 1st 2007



2797 Comments


This is possibly the greatest review of all time. This song is literally played at every party I've been to in the past month it seems.

ohcleverhansyou
October 1st 2007



885 Comments


Wait, "soulja" is a play on "soldier?" Tell me someone else didn't realize that at first. I got soul but I'm not a soldier.

IsItLuck?
Emeritus
October 1st 2007



4927 Comments


retarded.

ohcleverhansyou
October 1st 2007



885 Comments


Damnit, I was afraid of that.

Thor
October 1st 2007



10183 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

Soulja Boy is such a fucking joke.

any14doomsday
October 1st 2007



679 Comments


thats an awesome review. Tho I must admit I have crank that as my ring tone. because its awesome.

plane
Staff Reviewer
October 1st 2007



6092 Comments


oh yea u ripped soulja boy one good now awesome review!

edit: ok but it's hoThis Message Edited On 10.01.07



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