Review Summary: Awesome album 11/10
A few years ago, Aiden released Nightmare Anatomy, which I declared the worst album of all time. Let’s see how they follow it up!
1. The Opening Departure
– Okay we start out with some piano playing. It sounds nice. Maybe this album won’t be half bad. Now wiL (ugh) is singing “Close your eyes, the rain won’t wash away.” Alright then. You know, honestly, right now his voice doesn’t sound that bad. Maybe it’s because he stopped doing all that heroin. Okay now he’s sort of losing it and going a bit wild and it doesn’t sound as good. He should just sing really really quiet and subdued for the whole record, then he wouldn’t sound like such a boob. “Someday will be our day,” fu
ck yeah I can relate!
2. She Will Love You
– So far it seems as if they are trying to branch out. Some fast strummed acoustic-ness and a riff that doesn’t sound like it was stolen. At least they aren’t trying to be all black and morbid in this song. It’s actually sort of…happy! “Kiss me quick, I’m losing.” Well that brings me back to the point of wiL looking like a duck and no one would ever want to kiss him. Now we’re at the chorus and it is one of the most uninteresting melodies I’ve ever heard. And you know what one of the most overused lyrics of all time is? “So far away.” I hate hearing that in songs. Well they use that line a few times in the second verse. Fu
ck them. Now the guitarist is trying to play a cute little solo that sounds really stupid, and the drummer seems to be having a seizure behind his kit. Now we’re back into that boring chorus. “Sheeee will love youuuu through your demise”? Okay that’s just fu
cking dumb. You know I was pretty prepared to acknowledge the fact that perhaps wiL’s voice doesn’t sound half bad, but that was until he decided to hold his nose during the last minute or so of the song. Next!
3. Teenage Queen
– Okay now
we’re back to the ripped off riffs. I was starting to get worried that they were gonna leave me hanging! “Dance with me,” wiL says. I think he used that line a few times on the last record. “Ohhh tonight I’m a teenage queen.” What the hell? I do not want to hear about a duck’s fantasy of being a chick. “Can you feel the noise?” Right now the noise I’m hearing is not at all pleasant, thanks for asking. Alright, nothing really interesting musically so far. Some palm-mutes, etc. Can’t hear the bass at all, natch. Ooh that clean section was nice. Too bad it only lasted about five seconds. Now we’re back into the sick chick-fantasy chorus and wiL is saying that the weight of the world won’t feel so bad now. Well that’s good I guess. Man I gotta learn to type faster, because the song is over already.
4. Hurt Me
– A bass intro! I’m pretty sure the bassist is fat. Let’s see what kind of chops this fata
ss has! Hmm, not many chops at all. Okay I’m done with the bass, thanks. You can go back to the bottom of the mix now. Ah, there we go. “Tonight ohhh tonight ohhh tonight I can see through a lifetime of wretched demise.” They managed to go one song without saying “demise” before having a relapse. Chorus is decent I guess, if your definition of “decent” is “doesn’t make you barf.” So I guess now Aiden decided to go back to the whole dark, morbid goth chick thing because he’s singing about misery. Now we got some gang vocals going on, as if hearing just one of these retards’ voices wasn’t already bad enough. They just rhymed “freefall” with “we fall.” Awesome.
5. One Love
– Song title reminds me of bumpin’ hip-hop. Instead of awesome rap, I get an intro that sounds a lot like “She Will Love You” did. wiL’s voice sounds extra bad in this song, if that’s possible. He’s sort of trying to sing at a really low pitch. He should stop that because it sounds as if he needs to throw up. Okay at the chorus he stops and reverts back to normal badness, and you know you’re in trouble when you’re relieved to hear “normal badness.” God the lyrics are bad. “One love in your eyes now, look afraid.” I’d have to say that so far this is the most uninteresting and forgettable song, mostly due to the fact that it sounds like they recorded it after just waking up and they didn’t really feel like doing much at all but recorded the song anyway and it sounded like shi
t when they were done but they were too tired to fix it so they made a mental note to not put the song on the record but then forgot.
– “I will wait for this moment when our lips collide and almost stop the earth,” sings wiL. Seriously what the hell is with this dude? Aiden always seem to attempt to make things really, really quiet before the chorus comes in, and then the chorus is like, really loud, so it’s supposed to sound cool I guess, but it doesn’t really. The chorus lyrics are a repeat of the beginning of the song. In other words, they wrote a really stupid intro and decided to use it ten more times throughout the track. I think I can hear one of the guitar players trying to play a clean riff underneath all the crap, and it sort of sounds like it could be cool, but it’s one of those things that you hear when you aren’t trying to listen for it, and then when you really start listening for it you can’t hear it. You know what I mean? “You’re in my arms tonight.” Can you imagine being in wiL’s arms all night as he softly croons stuff like “tonight ohhh tonight ohhh tonight”? I can!
– Man I still have five more songs to listen to. I dunno how The Jungler actually got through this album more than once. Did you know The Junglers’ sister has a hamster named after me? That’s awesome. Also The Jungler account is actually used by two people, which is sorta confusing. Oh right I’m supposed to review this album. Well this one starts out with some palm-muted clean crap underneath wiL’s bad singing and worse lyrics. If you couldn’t tell, I do not recommend this album. This song needs to pick up; I’m actually starting to fall asleep. Alright here we go! A solo! Oh shi
t this is actually sort of cool. But as usual that goddamn singer starts wailing and fu
cks everything good up within five seconds of it starting. “I’m so hooolllloowww.” Reminds me of Deathly Hallows. Harry Potter rules, bitches. Oh my fu
cking God, wiL is actually like half-whispering right now. Why does he do shi
t like this? I think he’s like a secret agent for some other band, purposely trying to fu
t up for the other dudes in Aiden. Now there are some gang “whoa’s” as if they are trying to be Rise Against or something. Imagine that!
8. Son Of Lies
– “Son of lies inside my heart, WHOOOAAAA!!!” Cool. This sounds like crap. The drummer is actually doing something half interesting doing the verse, let’s all give him a round of applause. Oh now we get the first attempt at harsher vocals! Not sure why they waited eight songs, but okay. Aw hell he just dropped the f-bomb. I thought this was a family record, dammit. The gang vocals were waayy overdone on this track; the other members seemed to have felt a strange compulsion to yell out something in between every line. The bridge consists of four or five wiLs all assaulting my ears with stupid sh
it. Now it sounds as if they brought in a guest vocalist who also sounds like crap. Then they do the intro bit again, and another attempt at harsh vocals. Worst song so far, I highly recommend this one. 6/5 tbh.
– They humped the piano a lot for this record. Every other song it seems has some piano in the intro. It’s pretty much the only thing that sounds consistently decent, so perhaps they should consider making the piano a permanent member of the band or better yet replacing wiL with it. “Believe, believe, believe, believe, I will follow.” Lyrics have been getting consistently lamer as the record progresses. I mean, okay, on Nightmare Anatomy it was sort of amusing. “Last sunrise, blah blah blah.” Okay that was funny. It’s not funny anymore, Aiden. It’s not cute. It is just sad. Outro consists of drummer banging on his drums a lot and everyone else proceeding to be shi
– And when they don’t use piano for the intros, they use clean guitar picking! So basically every song goes soft-a little loud-LOUD CHORUS WHOA-soft-LOUD-whispered bridge-LOUD. “Her self esteem won’t grow tonight.” That’s not the only thing that won’t grow tonight, amirite wiL? Because your girlfriend is fat. Fu
ck this song. Particularly bad Aiden songs always induce bad-joke-making. “I’m sorry, I have to go.” No, wiL, it’s okay. You don’t have to be sorry. “What’s killing you, is it the demon inside?” No, actually it is your voice. Bad joke count during this song: two. Let’s quit while we’re ahead, shall we?
11. The Sky Is Falling
– Last song, fu
ck yes. Apparently this was inspired by Chicken Little. It starts out all soft and wiL is crooning shi
t about the sky falling, obviously. “Kiss me one last time.” Throughout their career, Aiden has written approximately 100% of their songs about wiL kissing someone. This song has been going on for two minutes without changing tempo or anything else and I’m starting to not pay attention. Yes now it’s loud! More gang vocals! wiL wailing! Mediocre musical ability! It seems as if they wanted to cram every terrible thing about this record into a short, easily digestible one minute bite that I almost choked on.
Well hey at least Conviction isn’t as bad as Nightmare Anatomy. Unfortunately, it’s still worse than a number of awful things, such as testicular cancer or living your entire life as a vegetable that isn’t able to comprehend anything going on around you so you’re just sort of sitting there waiting to die. But you can find small comfort in the fact that at least that isn’t as bad as listening to Conviction! I’m obligated to sum the record up a little bit right now so here it is: Conviction consists of mediocre music, worse vocals, and worser lyrics. There you have it. 1.5 because I’m damn nice.
Recommended tracks: All of them.