Sammy Hagar: 4 Decades Of Crap

2012-09-02 by John Cruz | 68 Comments
Or as Sammy likes to think it, 4 Decades Of "Rock." And nothing says rock like a big party at Lake Tahoe to celebrate your 40th year of mediocrity in the music business in front of an audience of burned out yuppies. 40 years in the business and I can't name but a few Sammy Hagar songs, and neither can you. Guy catches a break on account of a great guitar player wanting a patsy for a singer in his band, and Sam goes all Van Hagar on us. Now we can't get rid of him.

To celebrate himself, last night Sammy threw a big ass party and invited some musicians with actual talent to prop up his 65 year old ass. Promising a show that

would tell "The Whole Hagar Story," Hammy was joined by friends and bandmates Joe Satriani and Micheal Anthony from something called Chickenfoot, and some other guys from The Wabos and Montrose. Sammy was also joined by the singer from Whitesnake, who came out looking like a music video from 1987.

What is "The Whole Hagar Story." Well from what this reporter could gather it's something to do with being an ok guitar player and half ass talent on his way to obscurity after a half ass career in music. But suddenly as if by rock 'n roll miracle being plucked up and tossed into one of the mightiest rock bands on the planet, therefore giving you the ability to sell tequila, get fat, go fishing, live in Mexico, get laid by 20 year old "women," and throw big ass parties to celebrate 40 years of being the luckiest hack in the history of rock.

That last part actually sounds pretty good. Meh, some guys have all the luck, and I am not one of them. Rock on, Sammy! And see you in another 40.

Tagged: Sammy Hagar

Comments:Add a Comment 
Spec
September 2nd 2012
28069 Comments


Lol.

Fieryfenderz
September 2nd 2012
1525 Comments


Not even slightly funny.

Ire
September 2nd 2012
41851 Comments


awesome

Mabbitt
September 2nd 2012
1391 Comments


Does anybody else find it unprofessional and just plain stupid when people bash bands in news articles?

AmericnZero02
September 2nd 2012
3397 Comments


John, be careful. If my mom ever heard someone slander Sammy so much she might hunt them down and kill them.

"Does anybody else find it unprofessional and just plain stupid when people bash bands in news articles?"

^Absolutely

Emim
September 2nd 2012
26679 Comments


These are so painful. It's like reading Christina H.'s cracked articles.

Sevhead
September 2nd 2012
569 Comments


Article bleeds truth, good job.

erandolph90
September 2nd 2012
189 Comments


Article really isn't funny, but Hagar does suck a huge one.

sumyunguy
September 2nd 2012
784 Comments


1. You're not funny
2. You're wasting an awful lot of time writing these idiotic "news" articles
3. Sammy Hagar is an insanely good vocalist and you're a moron for thinking otherwise.

Aids
September 2nd 2012
24181 Comments


again, article is awesome. keep them coming cruz.

Digging: The Mountain Goats - Beat the Champ

KjSwantko
September 2nd 2012
9449 Comments


Only non-VH songs I remember from this clown are "I Can't Drive 55" (dumb), and that song having to do with Tequila, which was also pretty retarded.

Aids
September 2nd 2012
24181 Comments


you guys need to chill

KjSwantko
September 2nd 2012
9449 Comments


kcco

Recspecs
September 2nd 2012
9866 Comments


"Does anybody else find it unprofessional and just plain stupid when people bash bands in news articles?"

According to irrelevant shitty user no one gives a cunt about.

NoMeansYes
September 2nd 2012
1012 Comments


I actually found this to be very accurate and moderately humorous. Is there some weird vendetta against John Cruz or something? conspiracy?

North0House2
September 2nd 2012
5908 Comments


Another?
Tl;dr.
Lol, but the title made me lol.

Digging: Scott Walker - Tilt

PayneTiger777
September 2nd 2012
4432 Comments


A friend of mine once told me that there are three people he despises in this world. One of them is Sammy Hagar and the other two are Paula Dean and Papa Johns.

Wheelah
September 2nd 2012
756 Comments


What is the point of these articles? Are they supposed to be entertaining? Because they are. Are they supposed to be news? I hope not, they're entirely opinions. I don't understand it.

Regulator
September 2nd 2012
613 Comments


I enjoy these articles. it's time this place stopped taking itself so seriously. we get it, everyone here is an elitist snob. but we don't hafta keep telling everyone every day

Mabbitt
September 2nd 2012
1391 Comments


According to irrelevant shitty user no one gives a cunt about.


what the hell is your problem?

Recspecs
September 2nd 2012
9866 Comments


"and Papa Johns."

Papa John's rules wtf.

"what the hell is your problem?"

Your ugly ass avatar, dumbass user name, shit taste in music, the fact you don't like these articles, etc. etc. I could go on but I rather wouldn't.

ZilbelPing
September 2nd 2012
6221 Comments


Hahahahaha people are still mad.

JeetJeet
September 2nd 2012
1015 Comments


Was this supposed to be funny?

insomniac15
Staff Reviewer
September 2nd 2012
3598 Comments


this is worse than JViney's review summaries.

Digging: Calexico - Edge Of The Sun

Rail
September 2nd 2012
561 Comments


Can Emeritus people use the staff blog? It'd fit better there.

Digging: Colin Stetson and Sarah Neufeld - Never Were The Way She Was

Mabbitt
September 2nd 2012
1391 Comments


Your ugly ass avatar, dumbass user name, shit taste in music, the fact you don't like these
articles, etc. etc. I could go on but I rather wouldn't.


y u so mad bro?

but seriously...those are all stupid reasons, and I looked through your ratings of albums, i agree
with most of them. If my taste is shit, then so is yours.

Deviant.
Staff Reviewer
September 2nd 2012
31869 Comments


This is the funniest one yet

TheFantasticDangler
September 2nd 2012
1216 Comments


This one was good, but these gonzo articles are getting old

Digging: Exotic Animal Petting Zoo - I Have Made My Bed in Darkness

bungy
September 2nd 2012
8883 Comments


Nice one John

thecheatisnotdead
September 2nd 2012
717 Comments


Maybe there should just be a separate Cruz-Newz sidebar.

Hyperion1001
Staff Reviewer
September 2nd 2012
19518 Comments


please pay attention to me

Digging: Philip Glass - Music in Twelve Parts

Poet
September 2nd 2012
5945 Comments


looooooool John these are so awesome

KnuckleChowder
September 2nd 2012
157 Comments


Mother fucker dude stop writing these terrible news articles.

newjunkaesthetic93
September 2nd 2012
1871 Comments


This article sucks almost as much as Sammy Hagar.

Storm In A Teacup
September 2nd 2012
13588 Comments


John Cruz is hilarious y'all are fucking 'tards. The smart ones find his articles much needed.

Hyperion1001
Staff Reviewer
September 2nd 2012
19518 Comments


i hope no one actually thinks that

Storm In A Teacup
September 2nd 2012
13588 Comments


haha

LepreCon
September 2nd 2012
4306 Comments


Pretty funny read, I'm no Hagar fan myself though I am partial to Chickenfoot only for the other musicians, but these things really don't belong in the News. I've only read a few though so maybe there's somethingI'm missing out on because I'm not on here much anymore

Hyperion1001
Staff Reviewer
September 2nd 2012
19518 Comments


like these articles are just harmlessly unfunny but the amount of butthurt in the threads is ridiculous

Trist66
September 2nd 2012
148 Comments


THIS IS NOT NEWS MY SENSES ARE OFFENDED BECAUSE NEWS IS VERY SERIOUS AND I AM VERY SERIOUS ABOUT THE
NEWS

Hyperion1001
Staff Reviewer
September 2nd 2012
19518 Comments


yeah just like that

Trebor.
Contributing Reviewer
September 2nd 2012
51208 Comments


sammy gaygar

Digging: Hop Along - Painted Shut

Hyperion1001
Staff Reviewer
September 2nd 2012
19518 Comments


"the user base rarely ever pays "conventional" news any mind so"

this is probably the dumbest thing youve ever said

Hyperion1001
Staff Reviewer
September 2nd 2012
19518 Comments


its news, like in the sense of giving people new information, the news articles do exactly what theyre supposed to

like i said these articles are harmless but the dude thinks hes way funnier/wittier than he actually is

DeathsThread
September 2nd 2012
214 Comments


Am i too late to make a "____ cant drive 55" joke yet?/

zulop
September 2nd 2012
166 Comments


Good job drawing more attention to him, cretinous author.

TheLast7thVermicide
September 2nd 2012
186 Comments


lol

Calc
September 2nd 2012
12623 Comments


So Hugh Grant is to acting what Sammy Hagar is to rock?

Digging: Hiatus Kaiyote - Choose Your Weapon

StrizzMatik
September 2nd 2012
3280 Comments


LOL this was great. I do like Hagar's voice at times but otherwise agree that he cheeses up any band he's in

Digging: Faith No More - Sol Invictus

bach
September 2nd 2012
13731 Comments


I was going to go on a pointless, Sammy Hagar related, internet tirade. But, then I started staring at Recspec's avatar picture.

Digging: Marriages - Salome

DoABarrelRoll
September 2nd 2012
342 Comments


Pretty accurate

Storm In A Teacup
September 3rd 2012
13588 Comments


"Hahaha, my god you apologists are hilarious."

All you are is a dumb-ass I guess.

Omaha
Staff Reviewer
September 3rd 2012
10451 Comments


So awkwardly written, heh.

"and Micheal Anthony from something called Chickenfoot" - best line, omg.

SabertoothMonocle
September 3rd 2012
493 Comments


Cruz-News

AtomicWaste
Staff Reviewer
September 3rd 2012
2098 Comments


I pop in on every one of these just to see where he uses the phrase "this reporter" and to add tally marks for each time it's used.

Go on, Mr. Cruz. Go on.

Digging: Jakub Zytecki - Wishful Lotus Proof

SwayzeFaced
September 3rd 2012
349 Comments


Really I wouldn't have read this article if it wasn't titled what it was titled. It was entertaining and informative. To me that makes it good news.

StrizzMatik
September 3rd 2012
3280 Comments


And I second the Cruz Newz sidebar

Storm In A Teacup
September 3rd 2012
13588 Comments


I third Cruz Newz sidebar

henryChinaski
September 3rd 2012
3058 Comments


funny

Digging: Skyharbor - Guiding Lights

Storm In A Teacup
September 3rd 2012
13588 Comments


China's in this has to happen or war

AnthonyFartano
September 3rd 2012
233 Comments


Lol this guy is so polarizing.

CrazyDiamond7
September 3rd 2012
77 Comments


"Your ugly ass avatar, dumbass user name, shit taste in music, the fact you don't like these
articles, etc. etc. I could go on but I rather wouldn't."

Comments like this what make Sputnik the nice, wonderful community that it is.

Article was a fun read, and it was informative. Some members on this forum need to get a life and realize that not every news article needs to take itself so seriously. Keep it up, Cruz.



Digging: Sufjan Stevens - Carrie and Lowell

roccowalker
September 3rd 2012
39 Comments


i found this hilarious

CrazyFool84
September 3rd 2012
1081 Comments


Points for trying

TheLodge
September 4th 2012
40 Comments


This is awful.

Upsidedown_and_Sideways
September 4th 2012
266 Comments


removed because, well...why fight it.

Wizard
September 5th 2012
19824 Comments


I laughed pretty hard at this. I agree as well.

Digging: Prurient - Through the Window

sniper
September 5th 2012
19077 Comments


this article is awesome



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