EVH: Sick As A Dog
2012-08-31 by John Cruz | 30 Comments

Poor Eddie Van Halen. We already know he has 7 years bad luck for booting Micheal Anthony from the band and replacing him with his fat kid, but when it rains on Eddie, it really pours.

Not cancer related, drug related, drink related, or being mentally deranged related....the usual cause of Ed's trips to the hospital...this time the problem is a bit less sexy. As it turns out the guitarist was admitted to hospital with a digestive disorder requiring surgery and the postponement of several VH gigs scheduled for Japan throughout September.

Well, I guess when you get old a tablet of Tums or tablespoon of Maalox just won't do it anymore. Officially Eddie is stricken with the dreaded illness diverticulitis. Which is a fancy way of saying the walls of his butthole have developed small sacs that over time become filled with poop, swell, and hurt like hell. So surgery is performed to remove the poop and sacs alike.

This reporter thinks that's 100% disgusting, but apparently very common in men over 60. Gee, can't wait to get there. Ed is 57. Guess he likes being early.

In related news DLR will be offstage on account of Ed's illness for at least a month, proving every cloud does indeed have a silver lining.

Get well soon, Ed!

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Band Page: Van Halen

Comments:Add a Comment 
MaskAtTheMasquerade
August 31st 2012

2887 Comments


yikes

Deviant.
Staff Reviewer
August 31st 2012

31072 Comments


Okay, now this article is terrible

Digging: Banks - Goddess

ConcubinaryCode
August 31st 2012

2063 Comments


Ew.

Torii
August 31st 2012

812 Comments


Oh god not this guy again

someguest
August 31st 2012

20393 Comments


Dave, stop approving this shit!

elephantREVOLUTION
August 31st 2012

2740 Comments


omg this guy always brings the lulz. never gets old

Recspecs
August 31st 2012

9829 Comments


Lmao that is disgusting.

Trebor.
Contributing Reviewer
August 31st 2012

50043 Comments


This one is funny idk why

Digging: Tiny Moving Parts - Pleasant Living

tommygun
August 31st 2012

24414 Comments


Damn sounds painful get well soon Eddie

Digging: The National - Cherry Tree

Mabbitt
August 31st 2012

1350 Comments


This guy's articles got old after the first one.

Digging: Rx Bandits - Gemini, Her Majesty

Recspecs
August 31st 2012

9829 Comments


Shitty user complains about funny article what a surprise.

lucasjcockcroft
August 31st 2012

3703 Comments


i dont see how its funny
but its news, so whatever

defjaw83
August 31st 2012

1765 Comments


the walls of his butthole...

MO
August 31st 2012

18494 Comments


ah the same thing that Lesnar had, heard that's pretty awful

"This reporter thinks that's 100% disgusting, but apparently very common in men over 60."

wow way to be an asshole, just wait till you get sick

massasarcasm
August 31st 2012

54 Comments


"Shitty user complains about funny article what a surprise."
The only thing shitty is your sense of humor.

ZippaThaRippa
August 31st 2012

2416 Comments


sick burn

ILikeRepetitiveMusic
August 31st 2012

134 Comments


Article was funny, as are a lot of your other ones. But kindly fuck off. It's gonna set a precedent and before you know it every news article is gonna be something stupid

Annayalater
August 31st 2012

192 Comments


This shit's getting old. It was funny the first few times but now you're just trying too hard.

FyreNail
August 31st 2012

171 Comments


Did Perez Hilton change his name to John Cruz?

Ire
August 31st 2012

41753 Comments


best article yet

TrstN01
August 31st 2012

800 Comments


I agree that this is the best one yet, but dude. Space them out a bit.

AnthonyFartano
August 31st 2012

233 Comments


Why's everyone complaining. Good god people. Get off this man's dick

marksellsuswallets
August 31st 2012

4848 Comments


poop


WeepingBanana
August 31st 2012

10091 Comments


best article yet[2]

seriously, keep them coming as many as possible as fast as possible.

bloc
August 31st 2012

34752 Comments


Talk about an Eruption...

Digging: Interpol - El Pintor

WeepingBanana
August 31st 2012

10091 Comments


lol

RosaParks
August 31st 2012

14836 Comments


im dead

freedomofspeechnoway
August 31st 2012

413 Comments


It's articles like this that make me think I've grown out of this site. Or maybe the site truly is worse than it used to be. Either way, terrible 'article'. For the people that think it's funny, I have one question - which part?

Digging: Buckethead - Closed Attractions

freedomofspeechnoway
August 31st 2012

413 Comments


It's articles like this that make me think I've grown out of this site. Or maybe the site truly is worse than it used to be. Either way, terrible 'article'. For the people that think it's funny, I have one question - which part?

freedomofspeechnoway
August 31st 2012

413 Comments


And it's cool how when the site double posts your comments you can't remove it yourself.



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