Hard Jams Inc. World Tour

2012-04-02 by telex | 55 Comments
Massively successful rock group Hard Jams Inc. have begun their latest tour and are going across the United States to rock and jam harder than Beethoven. The recent band line-up has been unstable, to the point where only the single band member is there, but all four members have reunited gloriously for a total of two months.

A message from the guitarist, bassist, drummer, keyboardist, and vocalist sonictheplumber:

"Everyone, Hard Jams Inc. has indeed suffered many foul movements since our 1978 beginning. Back then we were the hardest jamming group out there; after all our trials and tribulations as children, we became huge. Groupies would fight eachother and break bottles of aquafortis over their own heads just to have a chance to give Johnny a brief ride. However, everything fell apart when Johnny starting have drug problems - he split in '82 and went off to join Spinal Tap.

Without Johnny, everything just fell apart. Hans eventually split for Texas when the oil bust hit in '86, and the only guys left were me and KILL. We had both felt we had reached our lowest point, but when the thrash movement began, bro we thrashed HARD. We pounded eardrums and heads and chodes and asses harder than cone would ever dream of - however, when grunge took over in '93, KILL split. But then I remembered something: God made me. And now, to this day, I am touring.

But we've all gotten back, Johnny's a brand new sober man like the drummer from Black Sabbath in '83, Hans has a spankin' new job and a wife that he enjoys to give a hard good anal fuckin' too, and KILL is as good as ever: kicking down trash cans, burning churches, calling Limp Bizkit fans fags, and slapping hot blonde teacher's asses.

And now we're coming back! ROCK ON!
"

Tour dates can be found at: http://tf141media.wordpress.com/2012/04/02/hard-jams-inc/

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Comments:Add a Comment 
Jom
Staff Reviewer
April 2nd 2012
2881 Comments


Only one hot blonde teacher? I was hoping he'd slap multiple teachers' asses :[

Digging: In Flames - Clayman

Satellite
April 2nd 2012
21452 Comments


hahaha

Digging: Direct Hit! - Wasted Mind

Scoot
April 2nd 2012
18406 Comments


front row bitches

as long as splinterdick gorefuck can open

KILL
April 2nd 2012
77191 Comments


we formed in 68 not 78 but other than that yes indeed we are back baby, although our frontman avery has some issues leaving his room atm

Kris.
April 2nd 2012
13037 Comments


oh my god no fucking kc date this is such bullshit

WeepingBanana
April 2nd 2012
10450 Comments


fuck no northeast dates

Jom
Staff Reviewer
April 2nd 2012
2881 Comments


oh my god no fucking kc date this is such bullshit


The fact that they somehow can go from Atlanta, GA to Salem, OR and perform on the same day at the beginning of the tour is mystifying to me.

WeepingBanana
April 2nd 2012
10450 Comments


fuck you kris makin' me look unoriginal

Kris.
April 2nd 2012
13037 Comments


maybe you should stop copying me you cuntface im only here to rock hard

BallsToTheWall
April 2nd 2012
46126 Comments


True Metal lives

Digging: Heathen Beast - The Carnage of Godhra

Trebor.
Contributing Reviewer
April 2nd 2012
53279 Comments


The Banned Warrior Tour

Ovrot
April 2nd 2012
12281 Comments


Glendale, Arizona – 4/16

best birthday present

Digging: Bulldozer - The final separation

taylormemer
April 2nd 2012
4957 Comments


Finally guys. Finally

Trebor.
Contributing Reviewer
April 2nd 2012
53279 Comments


I don't know where Twentynine Palms is, but I'll try to make it

bungy
April 2nd 2012
8989 Comments


brutal schedule

Frosty4
April 2nd 2012
5 Comments


jom is great

Sanders
April 2nd 2012
2409 Comments


would go purely for the foul movements

Parallels
April 2nd 2012
8746 Comments


Fuck yes they're coming to Salem.

Digging: Crystal Castles - Amnesty (I)

foxxxyroxxx
April 2nd 2012
496 Comments


ew its sonicspeed

Ignimbrite
April 2nd 2012
6064 Comments


so there's a Broadway musical on 4/30 but it gives no location, wtf

cvlts
April 2nd 2012
9304 Comments


fuck yea tacoma wa

sign my titties plz

Emim
April 2nd 2012
26756 Comments


The fact that they somehow can go from Atlanta, GA to Salem, OR and perform on the same day at the beginning of the tour is mystifying to me.


Each member is well-versed in playing all instruments concurrently.

Ire
April 2nd 2012
41948 Comments


omfg

thedougler
April 2nd 2012
212 Comments


The Limp Bizkit comment is like 9 years too late lol

Tyrael
April 2nd 2012
21005 Comments


'although our frontman avery has some issues leaving his room atm'

hahahaha

Shukal
April 2nd 2012
60 Comments


when are the european tour dates announced?

Crysis
Emeritus
April 2nd 2012
17039 Comments


got backstage passes for the boston show

MO
April 2nd 2012
20700 Comments


lolol fucking awesome

AngelofDeath
Emeritus
April 2nd 2012
16171 Comments


yes indeed we are back baby, although our frontman avery has some issues leaving his room
atm


lol

Can't believe I didn't get a mention.

Hyperion1001
Staff Reviewer
April 2nd 2012
19967 Comments


gonna make both atl dates

trve

omnipanzer
April 2nd 2012
21791 Comments


"suffered many foul movements"

Fiber is a bitch.

Hyperion1001
Staff Reviewer
April 2nd 2012
19967 Comments


not enough demos

Crysis
Emeritus
April 2nd 2012
17039 Comments


lol they are playing in both georgia and iowa on the same night, same with ohio and new mexico, georgia and oregon, missouri and arizona, and iowa and illinois

these guys rock so hard they are in two places at once

BallsToTheWall
April 2nd 2012
46126 Comments



got backstage passes for the boston show




you dirty slut you..

Deviant.
Staff Reviewer
April 2nd 2012
32190 Comments


If only this didn't clash with my upcoming sex tour of Nigeria

Crysis
Emeritus
April 2nd 2012
17039 Comments


http://i.imgur.com/uXAFi.jpg

Sanders
April 2nd 2012
2409 Comments


^ I think there's around equal chance of contracting AIDS with both tours

edit: @ Dev

JamieTwort
Contributing Reviewer
April 2nd 2012
25342 Comments


lol awesome.

Digging: Clams Casino - 32 Levels

omnipanzer
April 2nd 2012
21791 Comments


"lol they are playing in both georgia and iowa on the same night, same with ohio and new mexico, georgia and oregon, missouri and arizona, and iowa and illinois"


All that matters is that they ARE coming to Cleveland.

BallsToTheWall
April 2nd 2012
46126 Comments


It's clear to me that Hard Jams Inc have their own hot tub time machine. I'm taking this matter to court out of spite and jealousy.

Inveigh
April 2nd 2012
26016 Comments


*quits job and leaves to follow Hard Jams, Inc. on tour*

Digging: Y&T - Earthshaker

AtomicWaste
Moderator
April 2nd 2012
2497 Comments


Teleportation with the power of rock.

Digging: Orbs - Past Life Regression

Killerhit
April 2nd 2012
5914 Comments


I'm sorry guys I had to write this article.


Only on my alt account.

Days of Future Passed
April 2nd 2012
478 Comments


No stops in Canada? Darn. Might have to trek down to NJ.

Digging: ScHoolboy Q - Blank Face LP

Parallels
April 2nd 2012
8746 Comments


guys i can confirm, this is fake

no tour dates til i'm ungrounded


Jom, you know what to do.

Killerhit
April 2nd 2012
5914 Comments


Guys guys

This is only the north american leg. They'll be doing tours in asia and europe and africa and south america soon.

ShadowRemains
April 2nd 2012
23593 Comments


lololol

Parallels
April 3rd 2012
8746 Comments


Sonic, for your next trip up here can you do a cover of this song? Kthxbye

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ds1yzxfGr28

theacademy
Staff Reviewer
April 3rd 2012
29553 Comments


who cares last time i saw them KILL was wearing a leotard and feather boa they probably wont play any of their old shit only that fruity new age chode worshiping synth metal


GnarlyShillelagh
Staff Reviewer
April 4th 2012
6386 Comments


will be at the tacoma show

Recspecs
April 15th 2012
9879 Comments


Hahahaha

Motiv3
April 15th 2012
8974 Comments


make a london date u stupid bitches.

AngelofDeath
Emeritus
April 15th 2012
16171 Comments


Don't tell us what to do, Hollier.

theacademy
Staff Reviewer
April 15th 2012
29553 Comments


the lonely death of hobert rollier

MoosechriS
April 17th 2012
5698 Comments


M/



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