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Guide To Metal Elitism

Are you tired of people heaping praise on the same old albums? Are you a rpretentious cunt with rdilusions of grandeur? Do you enjoy the scent of your rown unwashed genitalia? Well you're a rprime candidate to join the renlightenment movement!
1Death
Scream Bloody Gore


First and foremost, you need to be different, so the first step is to always go
against the grain. Repeat after me "Symbolic is like 6th best Death, right ahead of
TSOP obviously, [insert any of Death's first 3 albums here] is best Death" Be sure
to always take the intellectual highground as well, and preferably acuse the other
person of being homosexual, this will make you look very alphamale.
2Darkthrone
Soulside Journey


Pick a band with a solid and diverse discog, say Darkthrone, and choose an album
considered underrated by the Sputnik community and say it's the band in question's
best. Make sure to vigilantly attack anyone who goes with an obvious favourite and
call them a pleb.
3Immolation
Dawn of Possession


If you're too stupid to make up your own mind about which album in any given
discog is best, just go with the debut as your default choice. When praising the
album, make sure to use the words "pure", "true/truth", "teeth", "riffs" and of course
"satan" and repeat them until the person you're arguing with has lost interest, you
can then strut around and act victorious.
4At The Gates
Gardens of Grief


Better yet, if a band released an EP or demo before their debut LP, then that will be
your favourite. This will also help your elite cred because a lot of people generally
stick to full lengths, and the record in question has likely slipped under their radar.
5Grotesque
Incantation


When you inevitably end up in another argument, make sure to ask the foolish non-
elite peasant "have you even heard X?" Here's a few essential elitecore albums that
you need to rep endlessly and at any given oppotunity: At The Gates - Gardens of
Grief, Grotesque - In the Embrace of Evil, Obliteration - Necropsalms, Darkthrone -
Goatlord, Mercyful Fate - Melissa, Morbid Angel - Abominations of Desolation,
Necrophagia - Season of The Dead, Necrovore - Divus de Mortuus
6At The Gates
Slaughter of The Soul


Like any truly enlightened person, you must have a set of albums you not only
hate, but find genuinely offensive, these albums include: At The Gates - Slaughter
of the Soul, any Soilwork album, any Spawn of Possession album, Any post-hiatus
Suffocation album, any symphonic/technical/melodic death/black metal album in
general
7Morpheus Descends
Ritual of Infinity


You need to generally hate new music, 1993 is the cut off point, anything made
after is non-elite queef (with a handful of exceptions like Morbid Angel's Formulas
Fatal to The Flesh and Darkthrone's FOAD)
8Backyard Mortuary
Lure of the Occult


If you are to listen to new music, it needs to be underproduced and have black and
white artwork that looks like it was drawn with ballpoint pen and a sharpie. But
never under any circumstances allude to the idea that these revival acts can hold a
candle to their influences, because older always = better
9Morta Skuld
Prolong The Agony


By following these simple cues like our friends MichaelSnoxall, CaptainDooRight and
Pissbore, you can become elite in no time.
10Beyond Creation
The Aura


Any queef like this that you enjoyed previously is now dead to you, but in order for it to look like
you made up your own mind and weren't just mindlessly parroting a select few
enlightened ones, make this transition over a couple months else it will seem too
sudden. I hope I've set you on an amazing and very rewarding journey.
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