somewhereibelong
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09.02.11 How To Be A Pimp

How To Be A Pimp

When I'm not spending time volunteering down at the local St. Judes Hostpital or submitting daily sudoko puzzles for the Daily Register I'm getting hefty baked doughy cheese through my well established escort industry. Some call me an entrepreneur. I do too. You may have heard from others that "Pimpin ain't easy" and I'm here to clarify. It really ain't, but following these simple steps you can have yourself bitches sweepin every corner nightly while you flex hard in that 2002 Impala you've had your eyes on for years.
1Ice Cube
The Predator


First of all you're gonna need yoself a bottom bitch. What's a bottom bitch you ask? The bottom bitch is basically the top ho; she's in charge of all the other ho's and she's usually the favorite. A good rule of thumb is not to let the bottom bitch talk to any squares - anyone outside the business. Take a cue from Seattle T. a famous pimp with a business and law degree who was featured on the Jerry Springer show. He wouldn't let any of his ho's talk to Jerry! And Jerry is famous! In courting the right bottom bitch you gotta be swift with your words so some type of degree would probably be help so swing on by Everest and grab a quick culinary arts certificate or something.?Ho?s come in all shapes, colors, and sizes. Classy or sassy, any bitch can be a hoe!?
2Eazy-E
Eazy-Duz-It


Enroll yourself in a good health plan. A lot of people don?t even realize the threats that lay within the business of pimpin, ho?s walk the streets nightly and sometimes without finding a single customer! (if that?s the case though you needa drop that bitch.) Their feet can grow awfully tired and often times they become bruised from the physical encounters most men desire in those scanty Super 8 motels. Think of this like your insurance policy for your workers ? speaking of which think about a life insurance plan for each of your escorts. That being said I suggest Kaizer Permanente as they don?t discriminate and they limit the questions to your name full or half coverage.
3The D.O.C.
No One Can Do It Better


The Art of Bitch Slapping. This is something that will take time. I like to think of this in three steps. First of all always be disinterested in what your bitches are saying, unless it?s your bottom bitch she?s usually got useful info for your business. Two, let them have a quick back slap of the hand. Try to look as serious as possible as they?re often used to this from their encounters so a smile might be misleading. Three, Profit! Go drink your self some champagne ? Alizé is the drink of choice among tru pimps.
4NWA
Straight Outta Compton


Obviously when it comes to the pimp game you gotta know how to lay it downnn. So if you can?t figure out this step hit the back button and leave cause this grandmasta pimp ain?t sharin? the game with no weak ass chumps.
5Dr. Dre
2001


You gotta be able to talk like a pimp. Ebonics are heralded highly so start cuttin syllables and letters off them words and try developing some catchphrases for yourself. ?Carry a cane and keep em sane cuz crazy ass ho?s don?t make no dough?. ?Room is the key when you?re hung to the knee?. ?Can?t be simp-in when you out street pimpin?. ?Slap that ho like a domino?.
6Snoop Dogg
Paid tha Cost to Be da Bo$$


Get you a fly ass ride. A good rule of thumb is the more wheels the better. Here?s what your grandmasta is sportin - http://www.blogcdn.com/www.engadget.com/media/2008/12/eliica12-29.jpg
7The Notorious B.I.G.
Ready To Die


Last and certainly not least. You need to find yourself a fly ass name; something that rolls right off the DSL?s like superfunkflash grandmastajay or delldeckerfingerlicker, actually any Yahoo!IM screen name should work. After this step you have sucessfully transformed yourself into your blocks next biggest pimp. Remember though! Your bottom bitch is your top ho so pick someone you trust like your sister or English teacher, someone you know can get the job done but also knows what?s at stake if she steps outta line.
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