mahan9792: Jokes | Sputnikmusic

mahan9792 08.06.11	lets here em.
pizzamachine 08.06.11	IF A WOMAN IS IN THE FOREST DO THE TREES SLAP HER?
Emim 08.06.11	WNBA
Satellite 08.06.11	q: what's brown and rhymes with snoop? a: dr. dre!!!
Satellite 08.06.11	oh god mims /thread
mahan9792 08.06.11	what do you tell a woman with a black eye? nothing. you already told her once.
Emim 08.06.11	Shhhh, Satty ended the thread.
Acanthus 08.06.11	IF A WOMAN IS IN THE FOREST IS THERE A KITCHEN?
pizzamachine 08.06.11	BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Acanthus 08.06.11	Couldn't resist, my dorm last year was never short of kitchen jokes.
foreverendeared 08.06.11	please no jokes that everyone has already heard like mahan's that have been around for 20 years
coneren 08.06.11	what does forevers penis look like? nobody knows, it is always in my butt
Trebor17 08.06.11	When is a woman above a man in society When the kitchen is on the second floor
Emim 08.06.11	Technically shouldn't these all be chauvinist jokes?
foreverendeared 08.06.11	"what does forevers penis look like? nobody knows, it is always in my butt" where it belongs
coneren 08.06.11	im glad we can agree on this
foreverendeared 08.06.11	< 3
Satellite 08.06.11	good lord cone fucking lol
Trebor17 08.06.11	How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb None because they never change anything
Emim 08.06.11	Knock knock
Trebor17 08.06.11	Who is there
toxin. 08.06.11	Two feminists jump off of a cliff. Who wins? Society.
Emim 08.06.11	"Who is there" NOT YOUR PARENTS
coneren 08.06.11	thats sad i feel sorry for him
wyankeif1337 08.06.11	this works best in a large group not on the internet, but i'll give it a shot. There are 3 midgets who are walking along one day. They pass by the Guiness World Records headquarters, and, on the spur-of-the-moment, they decide they all want to break records. The first one decides to try for the world's shortest arm. He goes into the building, stays in there for about 15 minutes, and comes out with a huge grin on his face: he just broke a record! The next one, encouraged by the first's success, heads into the building, intending to try for the world's shortest leg. Once again, 15 minutes pass before he exits triumphantly, having just broken yet another record. Finally, the third midget, seeing the success of the other two, decided that he wants a shot. He goes for the world's shortest dick, saying that it be embarassing, but that any record is better than no record. So he enters the building. 15 minutes pass... Then 20, then 30, and when he finally returns to his group, he had been in the building for nearly an hour. His 2 friends see a dejected expression on his face, and like any good friends would, they ask what the matter is. Midget #3 raises his head, and says... "Who the fuck is butcheredchildren?"
toxin. 08.06.11	What do you tell a woman with a black eye? Nothing, she's already been told.
Trebor17 08.06.11	:(
wyankeif1337 08.06.11	it's not about women but it works.
Emim 08.06.11	unlike women, BA ZINNNNNG
mahan9792 08.06.11	@xtoxin i already said that. plus it's old
Pharoh 08.06.11	Son: Dad, why does the bride always wear white? Dad: All kitchen appliances come in white
Pharoh 08.06.11	Why do males die before females? They want to
Skweetis 08.06.11	(Non Feminist Joke) How does a woman stop 5 black guys from raping her? She throws them a basketball.
wyankeif1337 08.06.11	What's the objective of Jewish Football? To get the quarterback.
foreverendeared 08.06.11	LOL wyankeif1337. Loved it.
foreverendeared 08.06.11	*@ the butcheredchildren joke. The Jew joke was lame. and someone go shoot xtoxin please.
jayfatha 08.06.11	Why did the black guy cross the street? To abandon his family.
gilmoregirls 08.06.11	whos a faggot all of u
Emim 08.06.11	HEY GUYS, WHAT DO YOU CALL A PARROT IN A BLENDER?
mahan9792 08.06.11	what?
pizzamachine 08.06.11	WHAT???
Emim 08.06.11	DEAD
pizzamachine 08.06.11	HAR HAR HAR
Jesuslaves 08.06.11	A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
Maniac! 08.06.11	oh.
HBFS 08.06.11	lol ^
WashboardSuds 08.06.11	whats the difference between batman and a black man? bat man can go to the store without robin
mahan9792 08.06.11	LAWL ^
Acrosstheshield13 08.06.11	whats the difference between February and Amy Winehouse? February made it to 28.
acorncheese 08.06.11	butcheredchildren joke = winner
DominionMM1 08.06.11	A woman has a baby. The doctor and nurse take the baby and clean it. Nurse brings the baby back in, wrapped up and warm in a little blanket. "Mrs. Smith, would you like to hold your baby?" says the nurse. "Of course I do", says Mrs. Smith. As the nurse is walking over to the bed, she slips and drops the baby. Mom is horrified, of course. "It's alright" the nurse says. She picks up the baby and makes her way toward the bed. Then the baby slips out of the blanket and falls right on the floor. Mom is in hysterics. Nurse says "oh, the baby's ok". Picks up the baby, wraps it again, and brings it over to mom. But just as the nurse extends her arms to hand over the baby, she falls backward, the baby goes flying into the air, bounces off the wall, and goes flying out the window. The nurse runs over and looks out. "You killed my baby, you killed my baby", screams mom. The nurse turns around to face her with a kind, gentle smile and says "it's ok, sweetie, your baby was already dead".
Paradiso 08.06.11	zomg acrosstheshield13's joke is interchangeable with cobain, morrison, hendrix, and many others. what a gem!
Emim 08.06.11	An old man has his regularly scheduled doctor's appointment. As they are old friends, the man immediately begins to brag about his much younger wife, and how he "still has it" as she is pregnant. The doctor sits him down, and says, "Let me tell you a story." "There's this man who goes hunting every morning to get the food he needs for the day. He has a very specific routine, and the last part of that routine is to grab the shotgun he leaves propped up by the door. Being an older gentleman with slightly diminished vision, this particular morning he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead. His hunt went as usual; he visited all his normal spots, and when he found nothing, he decided to venture out farther than he normally would. Then, all of a sudden, he comes face to face with a giant grizzly! He quickly raises his "gun" and pulls the trigger, and wouldn't you know it, the bear drops dead right in front of him! How do you think this can be?" The old man thinks for a moment, and then replies, "That's impossible...obviously someone else shot the bear!" "That's kind of what I'm getting at..."
Dreamflight 08.06.11	What's the difference between a fly and a mosquito? The mosquito can fly, but the fly can't mosquito.
Emim 08.06.11	What do you get when you put a picture of cheese into a mousetrap? A picture of a mouse.
pwalcher 08.06.11	@Emim: Amazing lol
andcas 08.06.11	what do you call a handicap person in the zombie apocalypse...meal on wheels.
DominionMM1 08.06.11	A chinese guy goes to see the eye doctor. Doctor says "I think I know why you're having trouble seeing. You have a cataract". Chinese guys says "no, I drive a Rincoln Continental".
luschlotz 08.06.11	"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb None because they never change anything" LOOOOOOOL
iFghtffyrdmns 08.06.11	how do you change a dishwasher into a snowblower? toss her a shovel
WashboardSuds 08.06.11	how do you load the dishwasher you buy her a 6 pack
SadTissues 08.06.11	So a guy walks into a bar and orders ten margaritas. "Thats quite an order" the bartender exclaims. "Whats the occasion?" "Im celebrating my first blow job." the guy says. That IS something to celebrate!" says the bartender. "How about one more on the house?" "No thanks" the man says. If ten wont wash the taste out of my mouth, I dont think anything will!
mahan9792 08.06.11	LOL @Sadtissues @Emim
wyankeif1337 08.06.11	What's the difference between a bench and a Latino? The bench can support a family.
qwe3 08.07.11	A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?" the horse replies "I just found out I have AIDS"
wyankeif1337 08.07.11	An Irishman walks out of a bar.
FromDaHood 08.07.11	The butcheredchildren joke was obviously the best
Emim 08.07.11	A screwdriver walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The screwdriver stares at him a moment and then says back, "You have a drink named Steve?"
Trebor17 08.07.11	An man walks into a bar He is an alcoholic and it's destroying his family
Emim 08.07.11	A man walks into a bar and says ouch.
theashesfromautumn01 08.07.11	heh heh i like trebor17s joke
WashboardSuds 08.07.11	whats a worm's favorite ice-cream? the answer is worm cream
foreverendeared 08.07.11	That last one was super lame Em, you should be ashamed.
BerrySnaps 08.07.11	What's white on top and black on bottom? Society.
Jozh 08.07.11	Why can't 2 Asian's make a Caucasian baby? Because 2 wong's don't make a white LOL!
foreverendeared 08.07.11	What sleeps sideways and whistles at dinner?
WashboardSuds 08.07.11	what
pwalcher 08.07.11	dude don't leave me hanging!
foreverendeared 08.07.11	I don't know man.
pwalcher 08.07.11	lol what a guy
WashboardSuds 08.07.11	knock knock
mahan9792 08.07.11	whooo derrr? LOL @Berry
foreverendeared 08.08.11	a gay ninja
Emim 08.08.11	A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods when the bear turns to the rabbit and asks him, "Do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?" The rabbit thinks for a second, and says, "Um, no. I don't think I do." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
toxin. 08.08.11	Berry Snaps, omg that was classic. I feel kind of bad because I actually really like black people
foreverendeared 08.08.11	omg
toxin. 08.08.11	:O ya
lucasjcockcroft 08.08.11	whats worse then being a jew a black jew cuz they have to sit in the back of the oven
thebat675 08.08.11	did you guyz hear about the mushroom who went to the party? fungi.
Emim 08.08.11	did you hear about my really small amphibian? he's my newt.
andcas 08.08.11	i've never heard a few of these jokes. good stuff.
IAmHollywood 08.08.11	What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff and crashing to gruesome deaths?
Sanders 08.08.11	What's 9 inches long and makes women scream in the morning? Cot death.
Trebor17 08.08.11	There was an empty seat
IAmHollywood 08.08.11	no, they were my friends
IAmHollywood 08.08.11	What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? Cancer.
Trebor17 08.08.11	I have a really racist anti joke
IAmHollywood 08.08.11	A duck walks into a over 7-11 and says "Give me some Chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need Chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.
IAmHollywood 08.08.11	Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you." So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind." The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out! "The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.' The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.' "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded! "So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.' "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible. "The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'" The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.
andcas 08.08.11	@trebor, so are you gonna tell the joke or not.
illmitch 08.08.11	unsurprisingly qwe had the funniest post here iamhollywood wins runnerup jesus you guys are unfunny
Sanders 08.08.11	contribute or gtfo.
illmitch 08.08.11	here's my joke "sanders' life"
TomArnoldsArmpit 08.08.11	AHAHAHAHA not funny.
illmitch 08.08.11	smell the cheese wins
IAmHollywood 08.08.11	A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk. "What's your name?" he asked. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said. "Did your mother or father name you that?" "Neither," she said. "I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen." "Why did you do that?" he asked. "Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What's your name?" "Beertits," the man replied.
illmitch 08.08.11	shut up faggot
IAmHollywood 08.08.11	Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past 3. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
illmitch 08.08.11	wow that was good
sifFlammable 08.08.11	so many tl;dr jokes =(
IrishJay91 08.08.11	http://playswithfiber.wordpress.com/2008/10/14/nate-the-snake-joke/ most tl;dr joke ever.
qwe3 08.08.11	"A duck walks into a over 7-11 and says "Give me some Chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need Chapstick anyway, since he has no lips." i forgot bout this one. i think this is actually one of the best jokes of all time
qwe3 08.08.11	"here's my joke "sanders' life"" illmitch wins the thread
nick77 08.08.11	Q: why do 70% of rapes go unreported? A: COS THEY FUCKING LOVE IT
nick77 08.08.11	meh I don't know why I posted that... I assume everyone knows them. Like > what do 9 out of 10 people enjoy.... gang rape.
WashboardSuds 08.08.11	"Who is there" pineapple