|what genre of joke? |
|q: what's brown and rhymes with snoop?|
a: dr. dre
|a guys walks into a bar and says|
i am the nig
the barman says get the fuck out of my bar
|A horse walks into a bar and the barman says: "Why the long face?"|
Celine Dion walks into a bar and the barman says: "Why the long face?"
|John Kerry walks into a bar and the barman says: "Why the long face?"|
|I saw this guy hitchhiking with a sign that said "Heaven." So I hit him. |
|Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar and the barman says: "Why the long face?"|
|a black man walks into a bar with a duck under his arm. |
the bartender says: "where'd you get one of those"
the duck responds: "Africa, they are all over the fucking place"
|The National. |
|Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?|
|why do black men always cry during sex?|
because mace hurts like a bitch
|How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?|
To get to the other side.
|A little girl is on a swing, but it isn't moving. Why not?|
She has no arms.
|What do you do when you see a black man limping?|
|What do homos and farmers have in common?|
They both have shit on their rubbers.
Oh, and I know a much worse Million Man March joke but wont post it.
|Mike Shanahan walks into a bar and the barman says: "Why the long face?"|
|Laura Ingraham walks into a bar and the barman says: "Why the long face?"|
|Luigi walks into a bar and the barman says: "Why the long face?"|
|Why do black people have white hands? |
Everyone has some good in them!
|what's the difference between a duck|
|what's the worst part about a van with 5 black people driving off a cliff?|
they were all my best friends
|My twin bro has an african american gf, guess I must have some jungle fever in me as well...|
|why don't they sell tylenol in the jungle?|
because it would be largely unprofitable to sell pharmaceuticals in a widely unpopulated rainforest
|what did the blind deaf dumb orphan with no arms and legs get for christmas?|
|hmm i don't understand Stefan's jokes|
|they are anti jokes. jokes that have a funny set-up with a serious punchline|
|A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. then another drink. and another, and at this point, he is tossing back shots, like 7 or 8 drinks deep now. he goes home...|
... and mercilessly beats his wife and children
|lol, I actually think they are freaking funny Stefan.|
|do you tell these jokes to people when you're chilling at the bar?|
|Cool story bro. |
|How many jews can you fit in a car? 55. Two in the front, three in the back, and fifty in the ashtray. |
|chambered's joke was gold haha|
|Random walking into a bar.|
|a baby seal walks into a club|
|then i beat it with a stick|
|how did pinocchio find out he was made of wood?|
his hand caught fire.
|Lists today suck.|
|Why can't Buddha vacuum in corners?|
He has no attachments
|Whats the difference between a blackman and a park bench???|
A park bench can support a family.
Whats the difference between a bucket of shit and a blackman???
Why did the boy fall off his bike???
Cos someone threw a fridge at him.
|Three hikers were in the woods when they suddenly were attacked by Indians. the Indian chief said they would have to pass a test in order to keep their lives, but before the test, each hiker had to bring ten fruits. The first hiker came back ten apples. The chief told the hiker to put the ten apples up his butt without expressing any emotions otherwise he would die. The hiker made it through the first apple barely but cried during the second apple so he was killed. the second hiker came back with ten grapes. He got all the way to the ninth grape before inexplicably laughing. He was then killed. |
The two hikers who were killed met in heaven. The first hiker asked the second one, "hey, you made it all the way to the ninth grape, why did you start laughing?" The second hiker, still laughing, said "I saw the third hiker walking in with ten pineapples and I couldn't help myself!!!!"
Hope you like it :)
|I have one: Brokencyde is good.|
|A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."|
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
|This cowboy is taking a herd of horses to market. After dropping them off he is very hungry and decided to stop and eat. The town is very small and there is only one diner. He walks in and finds only one seat is left. It is next to a nice looking, obviously wealthy young lady. The cowboy sits down in the seat next to her.|
The waiter comes by and asks the woman if she was ready to order.
She replied: "Yes, I would like the breast of fowl. Virgin fowl. Make sure the bird is a virgin. In fact why don't you catch the bird yourself for me. I would like new potatoes, and garnish my plate with parsley. And I would like a cup of coffee, not to hot or not to cold, and if there is any foam on the coffee please scoop it off for me. And while you're at it, please open a window! I smell horse, there must be a cowboy in here.
Well, the cowboy was sitting right next to her, and he was very offended at that comment.
Shortly the waiter came back with the woman's coffee and asked the cowboy if he was ready to order.
He said "Yes, I would like the duck. Fucked duck. Fuck the bird yourself. Garnish my plate with horse shit and bring me a cup of coffee hotter that Texas mule piss and blow the foam off with a fart. And while you're up, knock out a wall. I smell cunt, there must be a whore in here.
|Last year my friends got drunk and we got a scrap piece of cardboard from a nearby gas station's garbage can and used my friend's sharpie to write: "Ex-Pros Will Work For New Job" and sat outside a gas station for five minutes before getting kicked out. Pretty funny.|
|two penguins are taking a bath and one says "pass the soap"|
|Stephan's joke about the blind deaf and dumb kid made me suffer from an anal prolapse|
|These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.|
The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!
She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"
|haha, electronicaman is winning so far|
|A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"|
She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." His mind reeling, he asks, "And what do you do at this meeting?"
"Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement.
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."
"Very interesting..." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto........Tonto Goldstein."
|theres two muffins in the oven together|
the first muffin says "wow its pretty hot in here"
the second muffin says "HOLLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
|THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.|
Old Man speaks:
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months.
But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days.
But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window.
"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea.. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board.
But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
"But ya fuck ONE goat . . . "
|Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."|
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
|a man is sitting at a bar on the top story of a sky rise building when another man comes and sits next to him, the two talk for a while and start getting along fairly well,|
the first man turns to the second and says "i bet you $50 i can step off the edge of this building, and the updraft will catch me and harmlessly push me to safety on the 10th floor"
the second man goes "your crazy, that won't ever happen"
so the first man gets up and walks off the edge off the building, falls for a bit then, then slows down and gently glides into the 10th floor, catches the elevator and comes back into the bar
the second guy goes "wow, that was incredible"
the first guy goes "its nothing, you can try it if you like"
so the second guy walks off the edge of the building, but falls to the ground and dies
the bartender turns to the first guy and says "superman, your such a prick when you drink"
|Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "FUCK". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.|
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).
It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).
As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations...
Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
Disgust "Fuck me."
Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
Despair "Fucked again..."
Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost "Where the fuck are we."
Disbelief "UNFUCKING BELIEVABLE!"
Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
Directions "Fuck off."
Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Mother fucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
|It has also been used by many notable people throughout history...|
"What the fuck was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
- Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun."
- John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
- Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll."
- Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive."
- Commander of Space Shuttle
"What fucking map?"
- "Challenger," Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
- Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!"
"How the fuck did you work that out?"
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
"Fuck a duck."
- Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
- Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
- Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
- John F. Kennedy
|I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep them scattered on beaches all over the world. Perhaps you've seen some of it?|
|If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?|
Made her chain too long.
|why arent women allowed to ski? cuz theres no snow between the kitchen and the laundry|
|This joke is awesome: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_YWdozHrZU&feature=related|