Reviews 117
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Soundoffs 48
News Articles 1
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Album Edits 64

Album Ratings 1512
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Last Active 05-20-17 11:05 am
Joined 01-04-06

Forum Posts 2,544
Review Comments 17,966

08.22.11 User Report Cards Volume 407.31.11 User Report Cards Volume 3
03.16.10 Mynameisdecade12.17.09 Mynameis2009
11.21.08 User Report Cards Volume 211.20.08 User Report Cards Volume 1
05.05.08 What New Users Should Do

What New Users Should Do

This is to be added to the FAQ asap, Jom.
1 Get an AIM account
Appetite for Destruction

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! You must get an AIM account to form relationships with the site's popular users outside of Sputnik's confines. A lot of them will probably block you instantly but they will respect that you had the courage to IM them. Some tips: don't initiate a conversation with "hey dude this is ____ from sputnik." You will be blocked! Instead, say something arousing such as "I have a boner." This works especially well with Iluvatar (screenname: JesusDeEspana).
2 Spam-a-lot
Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge

Spamming is fun. How do you think I've passed two years' worth of time on this site? If you get banned (it's a lot harder to get banned these days, trust me. I have to ask now), then try, try again! Make 5, 10, 15 more accounts. It's a lot more annoying and tedious now because fake emails don't work anymore (oh gone are the days where I could type in ad;fjsa; to get an account!) but the extra work is worth it! GUT CHECK: Be funny! Don't just reply to every one of Josh D.'s posts with "you are a cunt," even if it is true! Be clever and put more than five seconds worth of thinking into your posts. EXAMPLES: ELIMINATOR. Also me.
3 Enjoy pop AND metal
As the Roots Undo

This is a surefire way to at least get ME to like you. And if I like you then you are well on your way to becoming one of the Sputnik elite. Listen to None So Vile and then cleanse your palate with FutureSex/LoveSounds! NOTE: You must have a account so I can verify that you actually listen to this stuff!
4 Try to become a news mod
Ultimate Victory

People will make fun of you nonstop. But you'll get a big avatar.
5 Choose your allies carefully

This is probably the most important advice I can offer. Don't be friends with idiots! It's fine if you use Crysis and Crimson as placeholder "friends" until you can move onto bigger and better things, but make sure you don't get too close to them! Otherwise they will never let you go! When you inevitably disown these temporary friends, make sure they know never to talk to you again. EXAMPLE: Call dub sean a "flaming cuntrag" and then swiftly block him on AIM.
6 Don't rate stuff 5
Jane Doe

THE BARE FACTS: Don't be like MediocreAtBest! Even if you really do think Jane Doe is a classic upon first listen (you really don't), rate it a 2 anyway but say "hmm I bet this will grow on me though!" People will still call you an idiot for not liking it, but you'll retain a certain amount of credibility for saying that it will grow on you!
7 Say "faux" a lot

Iluvatar will love you.
8 Pick a good username
Don't pick a bad one

Take a second and scroll up to the top of the page. Look at my username. Look at how symmetrical it is. It's crazy. DO NOT USE NUMBERS. Especially 666 or 123 because then you are just an even bigger moron. Don't use X's either. Pick something that can be shortened easily. EXAMPLE: HarryPotterandtheGobletofFire can be shortened to just "andthe."

USE THE FORUMS FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. They are not hard to figure out! The best method to utilize is this: post on the review site for a few months, then disown it in favor of the forums, preferably Rock & Metal. That way, you can distinguish yourself amongst the forum's elite, gain a large avatar, and then come back to Sputnik and let them all know how awesome you are. EXAMPLES: Angmar (formerly stevo2112, formerly Kripes), rattlehead23421 (he used numbers! bad rattlehead! also he's black lol)
10 Copy Shadows' Blackwater Park/
Carriers of Dust intro

YOU MUST DO THIS AT LEAST ONCE. It's hilarious every time.
11 Troll neg someone
Carriers of Dust

This is lots of fun and such sweet, sweet revenge. CRUCIAL TIP: Don't neg all of their reviews at once! You have to do it over an extended period of time so you don't look suspicious. Of course with the not-so-recent removal of the voting system on staff reviews, you can unfortunately no longer troll neg Neoteric, as much as we'd all like to.
12 Post a joke review
Cuntry Boner

Do this after you have established a name for yourself (time reference: around six months). Also, MAKE IT FUNNY! I posted one once that wasn't funny and people shat on me for like five seconds which is approximately three seconds more than usual so yeah don't mess with unfunny joke reviews.
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