Ryan Hoffman

Reviews 3
Approval 77%

Soundoffs 23
News Articles 2
Band Edits + Tags 0
Album Edits 16

Album Ratings 748
Objectivity 91%

Last Active 10-30-13 11:12 pm
Joined 07-13-13

Forum Posts 1
Review Comments 416

08.20.14 Great Visuals, Meh Movies08.10.14 Any Sputnikers Near Boise?
08.05.14 B-side Albums07.20.14 2014: Epic Closing Tracks
07.18.14 Recent Acquires/digs/listens07.06.14 Darkocean's Best Of '14 (so Far)
06.26.14 Rec Non-loudness War06.22.14 Those Epic Metal Moments...
06.17.14 Great Double Albums06.04.14 Recent Listens
05.26.14 Epic Closing Tracks05.15.14 Albums I Still Haven't Heard Yet
05.13.14 Stuff I've Heard Recently05.09.14 Just That One Song
05.07.14 Blue Album Vs. Diary04.17.14 Eternal Enemies Ranked
04.16.14 Overlooked Albums03.23.14 Recent Gets
More »

Great Visuals, Meh Movies

Visual effects-heavy films where the visuals outweigh the story, the story just ain't that great, or the film is downright terrible in general. Albums are 2014 albums I've heard that I didn't particularly care for.
1Of Mice & Men
Restoring Force

Transformers: Dark of the Moon - Featuring Bay's best visuals, where, because of the 3D, his camera moves much more slowly than say, Revenge of the Fallen or Age of Extinction. It's Michael Bay, so at least one film in this series was a given (whether it's meh or terrible is up to you).
2Miss May I
Rise of the Lion

Alice in Wonderland - Psychedelic effects sprung from the imagination of Tim Burton, but not much imagination going on with the story. Part 1 of Disney's live- action retelling trilogy.
3Lacuna Coil
Broken Crown Halo

Oz the Great and Powerful - A Sam Raimi film should've been better than this. Part 2 of Disney's live-action retelling trilogy.
4Within Temptation

Maleficent - Jolie's great, Newton Howard's score is the best thing about this, and that's about it. Also, why the hell does her child character wear lipstick near the beginning? Blatant Disney attempt to doll up and sexualize little girls. Part 3 of Disney's live-action retelling trilogy (with more to come next year from Sleeping Beauty).
Eternal Enemies

The Last Airbender - Much, much worse than just a meh movie, of course, and the 3D absolutely sucks (see Ebert's review), but the actual VFX are pretty cool to look at. Again, Newton Howard's score saves the day here.

Frozen - The highest-grossing animated film of all time can't be wrong, right? RIGHT? Actually, no, this is filled with plot holes, "Let It Go" is terribly annoying and the entire thing is just as "feminist" as Disney's been in the past. Cool (heh) visuals, tho.

Oblivion - Tom Cruise does sci-fi? Sounds like it could be great! Oh, wait, nvm, this sucks. At least Kosinski's Tron: Legacy was fun. Dat M83 score doe.
8Memphis May Fire

Prometheus - Had tons of potential, and is still much better than many films on this list, but that doesn't excuse some of the stupid decisions the characters make. Starmap scene is still ridiculously cool.

Divergent - More YA fiction adaptations for the masses.

300: Rise of an Empire - Eva Green = only reason to see this.
11Illum Sphere
Ghosts of Then and Now

Iron Man 2 - Perhaps the worst of all the MCU films to date. 3 picked the slack back up, but still couldn't equal the first in terms of story.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey - Jackson's worst LOTR universe film. Stone Giant battle is cool, I'll give him that.
Lost Forever // Lost Together

Spider-Man 3 - Do I really need to explain? Still, it's better than the new series, that's for sure.
To Whom It May Concern

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 - Suffers from the same problem as above, except that Garfield is even less relatable than Maguire in the role.
Shadowed by Vultures

Cars 2 - As cold and calculating as the machines that it features. I'm actually a big fan of the first one, and don't know why everyone craps on it, but this shits on Pixar's great legacy.
16 Mushroomhead
The Righteous & the Butterfly

Despicable Me 2 - Slickly enjoyable, still not as good as the first.
17The Orwells

Planes: Fire & Rescue - Firefighting sequences = boss. Everything else = burn it to the ground.
18La Sera
Hour of the Dawn

Monsters University - Another disappointing effort from a once untouchable animation studio. Here's hoping Inside Out is as good as the promos make it look.
19 Pujol

Rio 2 - Moar meh animated sequels.
Ruining Lives

Happy Feet Two - The first one I find really underrated, this one... literally too much song and dance.
21Parquet Courts
Sunbathing Animal

Rise of the Guardians - Mediocre DreamWorks flick, what more needs to be said? C'mon Joyce, go back to Rolie Polie Olie or something.
22The Pains of Being Pure at Heart
Days of Abandon

Epic - Does not live up to its title. It's a Blue Sky film, what did you expect?
23Timo Tolkki's Avalon
Angels of the Apocalypse

Pacific Rim - The epitome of this list. del Toro has done better. He tried so hard to not be Michael Bay, he ended up becoming Michael Bay. Canceling the apocalypse never sounded so... lame.
Symmetry in Black

Elysium - A disappointment following Blomkamp's District 9. Cool tech in the film, tho.
25Sharon Van Etten
Are We There

Turbo - Another lame effort from DreamWorks. Haven't seen HTTYD2 yet, hoping it's as good as the first and it can rebuild the company's image.
White Women

Megamind - Animated effort polished to a thick sheen. del Toro's contributions are cool, not much else gels.
27Royal Blood
Out of the Black

Hercules - Brett freakin' Ratner. But, Dwayne freakin' Johnson! But ludicrous movie.
Sun Structures

The Wolfman - Dat makeup. Dat potential. Dat failure.
29 A Great Big World
Is There Anybody Out There?

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty - The first Ben Stiller-directed film I can say I didn't fully enjoy. So "inspirational" to audiences who really should just move out into the mountains and we'd be all the better for them to do so.
30For Today
Fight the Silence

Battleship - Not a meh movie, one of the worst films I've ever seen. Period. Don't even bother seeing this for the FX, it's not worth it.
31Lea Michele

Step Up All In - Characters suffer while choreography shines.
32Enrique Iglesias
Sex and Love

Man of Steel - Bloated crap from writer Goyer and director Snyder. One of the lamest superhero movies I've ever seen. Everything about this screams overblown. Don't get me started on Zimmer's score :yeesh:
33 James Durbin

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island - The Rock! Giant animals! Who cares!
34Phillip Phillips
Behind the Light

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - The most expensive movie of all time, and for what? Stick with the first one, it's all you need from this series.
35First Aid Kit
Stay Gold

Ender's Game - Orange and teal color correction FTW. Or not. Book's great, film's a total letdown.
36Blacklist Royals
Die Young with Me

The Dark Knight Rises - The hype for this was unsustainable. And when you actually get down to the film itself, it is a slight disappointment following the previous films in the trilogy. Same goes with Zimmer's score (hey, at least it's no Man of Steel, amirite?)
37Guided by Voices
Cool Planet

The Day After Tomorrow - Show us more tornados and floods, less dumb melodrama. Oh wait, this is Emmerich I forgot.
38Strange Talk
Cast Away

2012 - Disaster parts are purely epic and deserve a much better film than this travesty of characterization. Woody Harrelson getting smushed by falling lava = best part.
3950 Cent
Animal Ambition

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 - Let's be honest: the "dream sequence" is both freakin' awesome and hilarious when the reveal happens. But it's Twilight, so.. yeah.
40Lykke Li
I Never Learn

Winter's Tale - And Akiva Goldsman never learns how to make a coherent film, especially not one based on a beloved book. :sigh:
41Glass Animals

Angels & Demons - See above. Dat ending explosion doe.

Dark Shadows - I'm hoping Big Eyes will be good, because the only thing that was good about this failed attempt at a horror comedy was the costume design (and Elfman's score is pretty cool too, but that's a given).
43Tom Vek

Now You See Me - Whoa, cool magic tricks! Wait, what's the plot about again?
44Death Has No Dominion
Death Has No Dominion

Flight - Zemeckis' return to live-action isn't quite as good as it should have been, but that plane scene almost makes up for the rest of the film. Almost.
Wasted Years

X-Men: The Last Stand - Infamous for a reason.
46Strand of Oaks

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows - First movie was fun, second movie it all starts to wear a bit thin.
47Sam Smith
In the Lonely Hour

The Host - Another Stephenie Meyer adaptation. Look how far Andrew Niccol has fallen.
48Little Dragon
Nabuma Rubberband

Earth to Echo - E.T. for 2014 and with none of the subtlety or panache.
The Perfect Cult

G.I. Joe: Retaliation - The director of Justin Bieber: Never Say Never tries his hand at a bro-action movie. Unintentional hilarity ensues.
50 You Blew It!
Keep Doing What You're Doing

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - They done nuked the fridge with this one.
51Kan Wakan
Moving On

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace - Lucas should've moved on before he made this abomination of the franchise.
52Taylor McFerrin
Early Riser

The Croods - A animated film that should've been better than it was given the talent behind the camera. The first of Sanders' films that I can say I didn't fully enjoy (yes, I'm repeating myself by this point).
53Owen Pallett
In Conflict

Jack the Giant Slayer - Thank God Singer came back for DOFP, X-Men is where he belongs, not bloated studio films like this.
54 King 810

Priest - Visuals rip off Blade Runner, yes, but the creature design is fairly decent. Film in general sucks though.
55Corrosion of Conformity

Real Steel - I think I saw this in a Simpsons episode once.
56Ben Frost

The Master - Everyone loved this one, but I didn't see much redeeming features in it. 70mm is gorgeous no doubt, but there seems to be a lack of reason for telling this story as opposed to some of Anderson's other work.
57Arch Enemy
War Eternal

Total Recall - Production design is through the roof, otherwise lame and unworthy remake.
58The Antlers

Predators - Lame, boring reboot/sequel that takes too long to get going. Bring back Ahnold.

Splice - Admittedly awesome film up until the end when it becomes a horror cliche and then completely unfinished, like the budget ran out of money at the last 10 minutes. Love the bloody fight between the two creatures near the middle, and since I'm somewhat of an unabashed furry, dat sex scene. :3
60Bury Tomorrow

Snow White and the Huntsman - Eww Kristen Stewart. Nice battle scenes.
61 Death Grips
The Powers That B: Disc 1: Niggas on the Moon

The Giver - A huge disappointment given what could have been. Dumbed it down so there's virtually no trace of the original story. More lame YA adaptations.
62Chelsea Grin
Ashes to Ashes

The Sorcerer's Apprentice - NICHOLAS CAAAAAGE (in a Nic Cage voice). Fuck Jerry Bruckheimer.
63 Foxes

Anonymous - Like its title, the story is totally generic not to mention Emmerich playing with history and science yet again, but damn if the cinematography, produciton design and effects aren't top notch.
Noise vs. Beauty

White House Down - Emmerich, you're killing me bro. Every time I try to appreciate your admittedly deft handling of action scenes, you throw in a bunch of bullshit I don't care about. UGH
65This Wild Life

Men in Black 3 - The time-travel stuff makes no sense, but it's Men in Black, so it's mostly a fun roller-coaster ride, nothing more.
66Matt Kivel
Days of Being Wild

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - The series already didn't start out that great, but the first one was more enjoyable for what it was. This one's where the rut started to set in.
67Suicide Silence
You Can't Stop Me

Beautiful Creatures - You can't stop Hollywood from churning out mediocre YA adaptations for year after year.
68Judas Priest
Redeemer of Souls

RoboCop - Pleasurable enough on its own, a travesty compared to the original.
Blood for Blood

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters - Hey, at least it's better than the first. Slightly. OK, not by much.
70Iggy Azalea
The New Classic

Transcendence - Was one of my most anticipated of the year, but then turned out to be one of the most confusing films ever made. Oh well.
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