Review Summary: What can you get a wookiee for Christmas (when he already owns a comb?)
*bleep bleep*
"Yes R2, of course it’s terrific… but there’s more!
Everyone will have a cookie
I brought extra for the wookie
I just hope that everybody can be here
If they all have marked the date
And if none of them is late
We will have the greatest of Christmases this year"
When the first Star Wars movie was released in 1977, movie-goers all over the world were blown away. People of all ages were thrilled by the magical adventures, bold heroes and evil villains displayed on the screen. A total of three movies were made over a span of six years, and garnered a huge fan base. And so, when the new Star Wars prequels entered the cinemas starting in 1999, the nearly fanatical anticipation and hopes that had been built up among the fans prior to their release, was completely let down. All three prequels were stilted movies void of any tangible emotional impact, riddled with plot holes and horrible acting, and seemed more to be two hour commercials for Lucasarts' new toys than anything resembling an actual good movie. How could the creators of Star Wars have turned from such great moviemakers into lowly cash grabbers?
It actually appears that the trend of cheap cash grabs already had started in the year of 1980, with the release of the album, “Christmas In The Stars”. But in difference to the sleep-inducing prequel movies, this one turned out to be quite friggin’ hilarious.
Imagine Anthony Daniels trying to sing (or rather, say) slippery Christmas rhymes backed up by music, in C-3PO’s tinny and persistently cheerful voice for half an hour. Add conversations with R2-D2 about subjects such as what bells are and how to sing. Add a horrible droid choir and the occasional wookie grunt. Add cheesy, sugary sweet lyrics (
"R2-D2 we wish you a Merry Christmas / R2-D2 we love you it’s true / R2-D2 we wish you a Merry Christmas (Merry Christmas) / We hope our little message gets to you”). And finally, mix all this with vomit-inducingly merry Christmas carols carefully written by Maury Yeston (a university professor!). Add a sprinkle of your own bewildered disbelief as to why this album even ***ing exists… and you get the complete Christmas In The Stars experience!
There is no end to what joys you can extract from this album. You want R2 whistling Jingle Bells? You got it! You want C3PO reciting, err… poetic lines about Christmas? You got it! You want every droid sound effect ever conceived by Ben Burtt’s inventive mind, all displayed in just about half an hour, all set to music? You got it! You want cheesy Christmas carols, complete with string orchestras, harps, flutes, trombones, jingly bells, all bristling with clap-and-stamp-along joyfulness? You got it! Here is another example of what kind of jewels of dialogue can be found on this album, always spoken in the loveable voices of C3PO or the droids:
*bleep bleep*
“What do you mean, R2? That “noise” is singing, you silly bucket!”
*whistle*
“What? Me teach you how to sing?”
*bleep*
“Well, I don’t know if I can, R2. You see, it’s rather complicated! But, perhaps I can explain music, if I sing the explanation!”
An interesting note is that this album features the then 18 year old Jon Bon Jovi in his first professional performance, on the track "R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas". Apparently he was working with sweeping the floors at the studio where Tony Bongijovi, his cousin, at the time was co-producing the album. Well, whatever that works to start your career!
Judging by the rating at the top of the review, it should be rather safe to assume that this album is no keeper, right? Well, partly true. This is just about the greatest exercise in “***ing bad taste” I’ve heard in years, and this album could be worth hearing just because of that. On the scale of musical value this album definitely belongs in the deepest of pits, containing some of the most retardedly stupid concepts ever conceived for an album, being executed in the most nauseatingly cheesy of ways. On the scale of hilarious terribleness on the other hand, this could be a classic. So if you feel inclined to hear this, I’m not going to stop you. However, ye be warned: Gouging your ears with this album
may result in headache and the permanent tainting of your fondness for anything Star Wars related.
Enter the joys of a Christmas In The Stars at your own risk…
1/5
