Review Summary: Best Hip Hop Album in history
Some say MC Hammer is an atrocious, unoriginal, ridiculously awful rapper. Well guess, what, 18 million units moved don't lie. So what if almost the entire album is sampled? This is an absolute CLASSIC of the genre, and its time it received the proper credit it deserves. I have decided to review this mind blowing opus, in order of its sheer awesomeness. Vanilla Ice now who's he?
Here Comes the Hammer
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, here comes the Hammer. Has there ever been more foreboding and chill-inducing words ever uttered? Hammer is on a mission, and you better get the hell out of the way.
You Can't Touch This
You know what Rick James, shut the hell up, nobody cares The Hamma ripped off "Super Freak," his version is better and you knew it. Well you did while you were still alive. Best Rap song, and music video ever.
Have You Seen Her?
Eat your hearts out Chi-Lites. Hammer's completely original cover of this song blows your syrupy, pussy infused 70's soul pop out of the water. I once heard someone say this was the worst rap song of all time, and I promptly punched them in the face. It takes a confident man secure in his sexuality to write something this tender.
Yo! Sweetness
A complete Hammer original, and this simple outstanding mitigating factor shines through. Huge beats, tight rhymes, daring background vocals. A true tour de force, many an unsuspecting groupie has fell prey to Hammer yelling YO SWEETNESS, GIVE IT TO ME, ITS MY WEEKNESS, GIVE IT TO ME BABY, AH YEAH.
Help the Children
Well Marvin Gaye, just because you are no longer with us does not mean we should feel sorry for you that Hammer's sampling of "Mercy Mercy Me" is entirely better. Did you give a *** about the children Marvin? Not the way Hammer does, I can assure you. God damn it, just let them be. Hammer is begging you. A god damn generation is DYING.
On Your Face
No this is not about giving someone a facial. Although Hammer does this on a nightly basis, he is far too classy to rap about it in song. Rather, this is a hugely uplifting and inspiration piece, with deliciously bright synths, incredibly well done female background vocals, and the smooth, butter-like delivery of the MAN, the Hamma. Just Keep a Smile on your face, the world cannot shake you the way you feel today. Thanks Hammer, my day is made, I can face anything now.
Dancin Machine
Hey Jackson 5, you think your original of this is within a god damn planet of Hammer? Do you really think you could have come up with chants of GO HAMMER, while the MC gets DOWN like no other sucka MC in history? That’s right, just shut up and keep writing about the ABC's and Michael Jackson's rat. Oh yeah, hey Vanilla Ice, you completely ripped off Hammer with your ridiculously ***ty "Ninja Rap," and your chants of "go ninja go ninja go." Only one rapper gets down and goes on the dance floor, and his name is HAMMER.
Pray
You know what Prince, nobody gives a sh*t that the Hamma ripped off "When Doves Cry" on this track. You only wish you could've written a spiritual song this good in your midget gorged wet dreams. The Hammer has more talent in one of his blimp like pant legs than you do in your entire body, which of course isn't much. And just in case you wondered if Hammer actually does Pray, he serves up some reassurance: That's why we Pray, OH YES we Pray, we gotta Pray just to make it today. Genius.
Crime Story
This is Hammer going hardcore, showing off his roots banging in the streets of Oaktown. You want Gangsta Rap, than look no further than this cutting, gripping, raw tale of the mutha***in hood. Some fool tells Hammer he is going to "smoke his butt." BIG mistake.
She's Soft and Wet
Hey Prince, it looks like you got completely OWNED again. You think your original of Soft and Wet can come within a continent of this sex romp masterpiece? Didn't think so. Hammer pulled a lot more trim than you on one tour than you have in 30 years. Wanna know why? He's taller than 5'2, that’s why. That, and you could never come up with something as poignant as "soft is the feeling of her baby smooth skin, wet is the feeling that says let the HAMMER in."
Black is Black
You know what James Brown, some people might think your soul "classic" "Say It Loud (I'm Black and I'm Proud) is a defining song. I call it a festering pile of decaying sh*t compared to Hammer's version. In case you want to forget, Black is Black. Remember that.
's Go Deeper
You think repeating the words "let’s Go Deeper, we need to go Deeper" for five minutes is repetitive? Then maybe you should remove the damn cloth from your ears. Unbelievable beats create a ride for Hammer's unmatched flow here. It’s the second worst song on the album, and one of the greatest in rap history. Recognize.
k This
One of the best album closes in Hip Hop History. You want to know what Hammer is "working," besides completely owing your ears? That’s right, other buster, fake MC's who wouldn't last two seconds in OAKTOWN. The perfect ending to an all-time, genre defying, wholly original masterpiece.
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