"Drowning" Latest work from me, please check out

Zero · 08-05-2003, 07:35 PM

Hey again guys, finally a new one for everyone who may have been following my work. Or anyone new to my stuff, enjoy this.

its called "Drowning"

Return to the darkness
Back into the past
Dwelling on memories
How long can they last

Picking my brain
And hurting my heart
Tears like razorblades falling
They tear me apart

I am wasting away
Stuck here cant move on
Sinking into the pain
The thoughts trapped inside me
I just cant let go
Losing breath and dying quickly
Im Drowning
Drowning in memory

These secrets i hold
Like a black cloud above me
Showering questions
I'll never be free

I am wasting away
Stuck here cant move on
Sinking into the pain
The thoughts trapped inside me
I just cant let go
Losing breath and dying quickly
Im Drowning
Drowning in memory

Theres only so much left
That i can take
Whats left to hold on to
As i sink deeper, and feel myself break

I am wasting away
Stuck here cant move on
Sinking into the pain
The thoughts trapped inside me
I just cant let go
Losing breath and dying quickly
Im Drowning
Drowning in memory

so there ya go. just wrote it today, the ink is still wet. Enjoy everyone

DeathOnBroadway · 08-06-2003, 02:22 AM

I thought that was awesome, the only thing I'd change would be taking out the word "and" in between "losing breath and dying quickly." Surprised no one else said anything on this. I absolutely love the first verse. Wonderful song.

Zero · 08-06-2003, 10:34 AM

Thanks deathonbroadway, i just put this up yesterday, so im not surprised theres not a lot of feedback yet, but thanks for the comment. check out the rest of my songs

Zero · 08-07-2003, 06:45 PM

Zero · 08-09-2003, 08:55 PM

08-09-2003, 09:45 PM

very very good
your first stanza is great nothin constructive to say at the moment
to much lyquid courige
lol

TrampolineClam46 · 08-12-2003, 10:50 AM

love it dude....

Return to the darkness
Back into the past
Dwelling on memories
How long can they last

Picking my brain
And hurting my heart
Tears like razorblades falling
They tear me apart

absolutely love that stuff, esp. the tears like razorblades part, youve got awesome imagery.

I am wasting away
Stuck here cant move on
Sinking into the pain
The thoughts trapped inside me
I just cant let go
Losing breath and dying quickly
Im Drowning
Drowning in memory

love the chorus....only thing i have to say about it is that when i read it something about the flow w/ the two drownings in a row seemed a little off, but its quite good.

These secrets i hold
Like a black cloud above me
Showering questions
I'll never be free

Theres only so much left
That i can take
Whats left to hold on to
As i sink deeper, and feel myself break

love the imagery and the flow of them both. only thing i would change would be end of the second one, i would cut out some of the words and make it something like "sinking deeper, i feel myself break" but its still really good even if u dont change nething. good show ole chap.

-andrew

Volkert314 · 08-12-2003, 11:17 AM

Great work dude. Very well written.

Return to the darkness
Back into the past
Dwelling on memories
How long can they last

Picking my brain
And hurting my heart
Tears like razorblades falling
They tear me apart

I like the opening. Great metaphors and the words kick ***.

I am wasting away
Stuck here cant move on
Sinking into the pain
The thoughts trapped inside me
I just cant let go
Losing breath and dying quickly
Im Drowning
Drowning in memory

I'm in agriance with TrampolineClam with the whole 2nd drowning. It would work either way, but I just see the 2nd one kinda messing up the flow, unless you have an idea with the music. Other than that the chorus kicks ***.

Hey, continue to write, I look foward to reading more of your stuff.

Zero · 08-12-2003, 01:34 PM

Thanks lots, i will probably change the drowning part like your saying, thanks for the comments, i have a few more songs on here so check em out!

Wolfix · 08-15-2003, 08:54 PM

hey zero great song.... i personally enjoyed it. Would it be alright with u if i tried to add some guitar too it (im not currently in a band or anything so don't worry about me stealling it. But i wouldn't mind giving it a spin.

But i think that out off all the versus the 1st was the best by far

Hardcore Hero · 08-15-2003, 08:58 PM

badass man and i disagree with death on this, you should keep the and in there

Zero · 08-17-2003, 09:32 PM

thanks a lot everyone, check out all my other songs too, i would appreciate it, thanks

BrokenExit · 08-17-2003, 09:51 PM

awesome song man. very flow-ful piece of music. i enjoyed reading it a lot. its all good... so i can't really point out anything. great song

rock on

jake

atni-flag · 08-17-2003, 11:03 PM

very nice song, its the first iv read of ur pieces and am looking forward to reading more

killswitchtony · 08-17-2003, 11:27 PM

good song, good structure, the metaphors are amazing......
just wondering what kind of music your putting this too?

Zero · 08-18-2003, 07:17 PM

hey thanks guys, i imagine it going to have a heavy sound to it, rock, or metal.. i think rock would serve the song well

Zero · 08-27-2003, 07:28 AM

_rhod · 08-27-2003, 07:35 AM

Serve the song well indeed. Awesome song, I wish I could put words together that well with that flow. And what Wolfix said, I think it'd be awesome if people put their own versions to lyrics they liked. I was thinking of doing the same, but I'd be too lazy. :P

Zero · 08-27-2003, 07:40 PM

Thanks a lot Rhod, please check out my other songs... and as for wishin you could put words together like this, just keep practicing, i started writing 2 years ago and i sucked, haha. but you do get better, jsut dont quit, keep workin and SAVE ALL OF YOUR WORK! even if its jsut like one stanza or verse, save it, you might regret throwin it away and forgettin it... anyways, thanks a lot!

-Adam

Zero · 08-28-2003, 07:10 AM

08-05-2003, 07:35 PM	#1
Zero Registered User Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 130	"Drowning" Latest work from me, please check out Hey again guys, finally a new one for everyone who may have been following my work. Or anyone new to my stuff, enjoy this. its called "Drowning" Return to the darkness Back into the past Dwelling on memories How long can they last Picking my brain And hurting my heart Tears like razorblades falling They tear me apart I am wasting away Stuck here cant move on Sinking into the pain The thoughts trapped inside me I just cant let go Losing breath and dying quickly Im Drowning Drowning in memory These secrets i hold Like a black cloud above me Showering questions I'll never be free I am wasting away Stuck here cant move on Sinking into the pain The thoughts trapped inside me I just cant let go Losing breath and dying quickly Im Drowning Drowning in memory Theres only so much left That i can take Whats left to hold on to As i sink deeper, and feel myself break I am wasting away Stuck here cant move on Sinking into the pain The thoughts trapped inside me I just cant let go Losing breath and dying quickly Im Drowning Drowning in memory so there ya go. just wrote it today, the ink is still wet. Enjoy everyone

08-09-2003, 08:55 PM	#5
Zero Registered User Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 130	bump

08-15-2003, 08:54 PM	#10
Wolfix Registered User Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 6	guitar for ur song? hey zero great song.... i personally enjoyed it. Would it be alright with u if i tried to add some guitar too it (im not currently in a band or anything so don't worry about me stealling it. But i wouldn't mind giving it a spin. But i think that out off all the versus the 1st was the best by far

08-27-2003, 07:28 AM	#17
Zero Registered User Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 130	Bump

08-28-2003, 07:10 AM	#20
Zero Registered User Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 130	bump

08-06-2003, 02:22 AM	#2
DeathOnBroadway Registered User Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Bloomington, Illinois Posts: 424	I thought that was awesome, the only thing I'd change would be taking out the word "and" in between "losing breath and dying quickly." Surprised no one else said anything on this. I absolutely love the first verse. Wonderful song.

08-06-2003, 10:34 AM	#3
Zero Registered User Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 130	Thanks deathonbroadway, i just put this up yesterday, so im not surprised theres not a lot of feedback yet, but thanks for the comment. check out the rest of my songs

08-07-2003, 06:45 PM	#4
Zero Registered User Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 130	up

08-09-2003, 09:45 PM	#6
daniel7540 Guest Posts: n/a	very very good your first stanza is great nothin constructive to say at the moment to much lyquid courige lol

08-12-2003, 10:50 AM	#7
TrampolineClam46 Registered User Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Washington D.C. Area Posts: 44	love it dude.... Return to the darkness Back into the past Dwelling on memories How long can they last Picking my brain And hurting my heart Tears like razorblades falling They tear me apart absolutely love that stuff, esp. the tears like razorblades part, youve got awesome imagery. I am wasting away Stuck here cant move on Sinking into the pain The thoughts trapped inside me I just cant let go Losing breath and dying quickly Im Drowning Drowning in memory love the chorus....only thing i have to say about it is that when i read it something about the flow w/ the two drownings in a row seemed a little off, but its quite good. These secrets i hold Like a black cloud above me Showering questions I'll never be free Theres only so much left That i can take Whats left to hold on to As i sink deeper, and feel myself break love the imagery and the flow of them both. only thing i would change would be end of the second one, i would cut out some of the words and make it something like "sinking deeper, i feel myself break" but its still really good even if u dont change nething. good show ole chap. -andrew

08-12-2003, 11:17 AM	#8
Volkert314 Back Again.... Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: PA Posts: 2,430	Great work dude. Very well written. Return to the darkness Back into the past Dwelling on memories How long can they last Picking my brain And hurting my heart Tears like razorblades falling They tear me apart I like the opening. Great metaphors and the words kick *. I am wasting away Stuck here cant move on Sinking into the pain The thoughts trapped inside me I just cant let go Losing breath and dying quickly Im Drowning Drowning in memory I'm in agriance with TrampolineClam with the whole 2nd drowning. It would work either way, but I just see the 2nd one kinda messing up the flow, unless you have an idea with the music. Other than that the chorus kicks *. Hey, continue to write, I look foward to reading more of your stuff.

08-12-2003, 01:34 PM	#9
Zero Registered User Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 130	Thanks lots, i will probably change the drowning part like your saying, thanks for the comments, i have a few more songs on here so check em out!

08-15-2003, 08:58 PM	#11
Hardcore Hero I support the Insurgents Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Soon it'll be Arizona Posts: 462	badass man and i disagree with death on this, you should keep the and in there

08-17-2003, 09:32 PM	#12
Zero Registered User Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 130	thanks a lot everyone, check out all my other songs too, i would appreciate it, thanks

08-17-2003, 09:51 PM	#13
BrokenExit i quit my band Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: in the far north of the UP of Michigan... a town called Hancock Posts: 518	awesome song man. very flow-ful piece of music. i enjoyed reading it a lot. its all good... so i can't really point out anything. great song rock on jake

08-17-2003, 11:03 PM	#14
atni-flag Registered User Join Date: Jul 2003 Posts: 168	very nice song, its the first iv read of ur pieces and am looking forward to reading more

08-17-2003, 11:27 PM	#15
killswitchtony Craig The Evil Toilet Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 650	good song, good structure, the metaphors are amazing...... just wondering what kind of music your putting this too?

08-18-2003, 07:17 PM	#16
Zero Registered User Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 130	hey thanks guys, i imagine it going to have a heavy sound to it, rock, or metal.. i think rock would serve the song well

08-27-2003, 07:35 AM	#18
_rhod Registered User Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Bris, Australia Posts: 49	Serve the song well indeed. Awesome song, I wish I could put words together that well with that flow. And what Wolfix said, I think it'd be awesome if people put their own versions to lyrics they liked. I was thinking of doing the same, but I'd be too lazy. :P

08-27-2003, 07:40 PM	#19
Zero Registered User Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 130	Thanks a lot Rhod, please check out my other songs... and as for wishin you could put words together like this, just keep practicing, i started writing 2 years ago and i sucked, haha. but you do get better, jsut dont quit, keep workin and SAVE ALL OF YOUR WORK! even if its jsut like one stanza or verse, save it, you might regret throwin it away and forgettin it... anyways, thanks a lot! -Adam

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