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Old 09-16-2008, 11:10 PM   #1
Dancin' Man
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Challenge 139 - Voting

hold up
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Old 09-17-2008, 08:36 PM   #2
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RunAmokRampant (1) - I like how its short but still reaches the point you wanted to get across with a bit of a story behind it.

Quote:
The mind
Votes on what is the most
Appropriate words to use.
Votes on what are* the most...

Quote:
The ideas that spring to mind are like shots
Of vodka. Translated on page it
Looks more like vomit.
I can't say I care for this phrase all that much. I think it could use more colour as its an interesting metaphor, but as it is it feels plain and rather blank.

Quote:
Hungover on a barren mind, words
Abandon my ideas. The words I choose
are never appropriate.
I'd say the second last line could use a bit more to help lead to the final line. The final line is quite nice, it sums up the piece rather well and links up with the start of the piece too, which is a trick I love (Which may be rather obvious given a look at a lot of my pieces).

I think it really just needs more time put into it and a bit more editing.

----------

Surtr (-)

----------

Powerban (2)
- I've never been a huge fan of rhyming schemes and the like, especially when, and I know you hear this a lot, its something us guys on Mx seem to hate and come across a lot, but forced rhyming. Just coming up with words to complete the rhyme seems to kill most of us to see. And you seem to do that a lot in this piece. I think in general you're just not a mature writer yet, and that's totally understandable, I've got tons of stuff on my computer to prove that I wasn't, and some stuff that you could argue proves I'm still not.

Quote:
A decomposed rose
Is what you sent
Violence,
Is what you ment
I mean, no offense, but this line is probably the weakest of the entire piece. Its understood where you're coming from, but really, its not a fantastic metaphor, the imagery isn't that great and it again just feels like you're sticking in the words just to reach a similar patterned rhyme.

Quote:
Even with the salutation that they get
Thats no reason to send a debt
What they were.. is now a silhouette
The use of salutation in this stanza is a bit forced feeling too. It just sounds like you wanted to find a bigger and "better" word for goodbye and it doesn't really fit given the context of the rest of the line, its therefor going to stick out. BUT, that being said, the last two lines are the strongest two of this piece in my opinion. I actually enjoyed them quite a bit, the final line "What they were... is now a silhouette" is quite nice, the "were..." gives such a nicely placed pause that allows for the silhouette line to be exposed in a better light.
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Old 09-18-2008, 07:32 AM   #3
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RunAmokRampant - 2

I can't say anything else that Surtr hasn't already said, So just stick with his comment.

Surtr - 1

I don't think you needed to add swearing into this, I know what you're going for is ment to be shocking and swearing is a good way to portray this.

"But dad fucked away" really doesn't seem right at all. Better choices of words could be had here.

Other then that, I like the story and how it progresses and it only just edges out RunAmokRampant maybe because it was just a tad longer.

Guess this was a hard one to do since I can't really say anyones was really good. Hard word indeed.
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Old 10-05-2008, 03:36 AM   #4
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Surtr 1
Powerban 2

sry for taking so long. have been away
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Old 11-07-2008, 05:22 PM   #5
ATC
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It's a mouthful, eh? I like the idea of there being a disconnect between the mind and the page. The body as an imperfect vessel for the mind. The mind is both the originator and the translator according to your song (which is a point you'll need to make but not quite so rushed) The mind voting on the word gives it a strange sort of agency. What are the two sides on the issue? I'd avoid using direct similes and saying like. I'd suggest for the last stanza, with the hungover to play up the staccato nature of your thoughts. Single pointed words maybe?
Surtr- 2
I'm not sure what the uneven line lengths are doing for you. If you have one or two word lines with that structure, you want those words to pack all the emotional power possible. Of drugs isn't doing that. Used to say it in such a way. What way? The ending isn't subtle at all but you're going for the sort of lyric where that isn't the point. Avoid saying 'and' multiple times in a line if you can. Now the last line sort of wants to invoke the dad who is on the other side of the tinted glass (why that?) The dad does not have any markers to evoke him and by the time we get to the end, he's almost forgotten.
Powerban- 3
Sounds thrashy. I'm not sure I can find a coherent narrative in this yet. Is this a married couple/divorce song, a violent breakup song, a societal angst song? The song has to make up its mind.
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Old 11-09-2008, 05:40 AM   #6
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dude! whats up man? havent seen u in ages.

This place has been literally dead for the last few weeks.
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Old 11-09-2008, 04:26 PM   #7
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I've been keeping busy. Between teaching and completing my MFA, I'm mostly swamped. That and NYC's a lot more involved than Vancouver so I've barely been online. Shame the place is so dead. I feel so old and crusty now that I can legitimately say "well, back in our day, an LC with ten entries was normal" I'll try and critique more regularly here now though. Can't let this old place die that easy.

How have you been,man? What are you up to these days?
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Old 11-09-2008, 10:40 PM   #8
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Not too bad man. I've just completed my degree in Professional and Creative Writing and awaiting the results. I'm applying for a sales assistant at a local bookshop, im volunteering in editing short stories, entering short story competitions, and writing notes for my novel of sorts.
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Old 11-10-2008, 10:56 AM   #9
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Send me some of your short stories. I'd love to take a look.
On gmail, I'm anticarnation.

What's the literature like down under? Any recommendations? All I've read is David Malouf.
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Old 11-10-2008, 05:05 PM   #10
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hmmm Australian authors?

Miles Franklin--My brilliant career
Kate Grenville--Lillian's story
Arnold Zable-- jewels and ashes
Gwen Harwood-- poetry

And then there are the classics

Henry Lawson - Jim Wilson and his Mates
Barbara Baynton - Bush Stories and Human Toll
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Old 11-13-2008, 03:30 PM   #11
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I was curious about these lyrical challenges. The latest one doesn't seem to have a close date. Is it still open? (I noticed that voting already began)
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Old 11-13-2008, 04:07 PM   #12
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there is no current one, its kind of died. could get it started i guess, but there's not much interest.

I saw the aussie poet les murray when he came to do a talk at my uni, cool guy.

RAR: how do you think you did? I'm starting work on my creative writing dissertation soon, so I'm trying to come up with some over reaching theme to tie it all together.
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Old 11-14-2008, 06:52 AM   #13
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yeah les murray is ballin.

I think it did pretty well. Might consider pursuing Honours if my grades were good enough which im pretty confident they were.
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Old 11-15-2008, 12:28 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Surf View Post
there is no current one, its kind of died. could get it started i guess, but there's not much interest.
interest.
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Old 11-17-2008, 09:14 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RunAmokRampant View Post
yeah les murray is ballin.

I think it did pretty well. Might consider pursuing Honours if my grades were good enough which im pretty confident they were.
Is honours like a masters?

we get a degree with honours if we pass the three years without failing a module. Different country's education systems confuse me. I've just about got my head around the american system. No idea what the aussie one is like.

Quote:
interest.
fair enough
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Old 11-17-2008, 12:41 PM   #16
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RAR! should get this dog and pony show on the road.
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Old 11-21-2008, 06:37 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Surf View Post
Is honours like a masters?

we get a degree with honours if we pass the three years without failing a module. Different country's education systems confuse me. I've just about got my head around the american system. No idea what the aussie one is like.



fair enough
yeah, its totally different.

undergrad -degree
postgrad - honours- Masters or Phd depending how well done on Honours.
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Old 11-22-2008, 04:19 PM   #18
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im interested too. if i new how it worked
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