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Old 04-09-2007, 07:29 AM   #1
711
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A little thing I jotted down a few days ago that I fused with another poem I wrote. Feedback appreciated

Heres one for the scarlet that scared you to death
The very same shad that once killed off your scapegoat
This one little tune that shot through the floors
Started as a whistle then vanished a civilization

We watched as the sweat on you wineglass
As you lay in the bed next to someone you dont know
Since forgetting his name turns you on so well
You'll watch the swelling and snapping of the scope

It was the finest night you could imagine
The calmest dark dipped in the finest red haze you could find
And you sat there smiling, but I saw your hands tied back
The last entry in your book said "He was perfect".
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Old 04-09-2007, 10:22 AM   #2
The_Flash!!!!
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Okay, two little things that don't make sense:

1) The very same shad that once killed off your scapegoat
- What is a shad?
2) We watched as the sweat on you wineglass
- This just doesn't make sense.

Over all, I guess it was okay.
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Old 04-09-2007, 10:49 AM   #3
liz123
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Is "shad" supposed to be "shade"? Also, "vanished a civilization" I think without the 'a' works better to be honest. Imagery is well incorporated and I enjoyed reading it. Though the line "As you lay in the bed next to someone you dont know", comes across too bluntly to me. For example try saying something like 'the body lay unidentified'... you know what I mean...
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