Dreamweaver

711 · 04-09-2007, 06:29 AM

A little thing I jotted down a few days ago that I fused with another poem I wrote. Feedback appreciated

Heres one for the scarlet that scared you to death
The very same shad that once killed off your scapegoat
This one little tune that shot through the floors
Started as a whistle then vanished a civilization

We watched as the sweat on you wineglass
As you lay in the bed next to someone you dont know
Since forgetting his name turns you on so well
You'll watch the swelling and snapping of the scope

It was the finest night you could imagine
The calmest dark dipped in the finest red haze you could find
And you sat there smiling, but I saw your hands tied back
The last entry in your book said "He was perfect".

The_Flash!!!! · 04-09-2007, 09:22 AM

Okay, two little things that don't make sense:

1) The very same shad that once killed off your scapegoat
- What is a shad?
2) We watched as the sweat on you wineglass
- This just doesn't make sense.

Over all, I guess it was okay.

liz123 · 04-09-2007, 09:49 AM

Is "shad" supposed to be "shade"? Also, "vanished a civilization" I think without the 'a' works better to be honest. Imagery is well incorporated and I enjoyed reading it. Though the line "As you lay in the bed next to someone you dont know", comes across too bluntly to me. For example try saying something like 'the body lay unidentified'... you know what I mean...

04-09-2007, 06:29 AM	#1
711 face Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: cliche Posts: 697	Dreamweaver A little thing I jotted down a few days ago that I fused with another poem I wrote. Feedback appreciated Heres one for the scarlet that scared you to death The very same shad that once killed off your scapegoat This one little tune that shot through the floors Started as a whistle then vanished a civilization We watched as the sweat on you wineglass As you lay in the bed next to someone you dont know Since forgetting his name turns you on so well You'll watch the swelling and snapping of the scope It was the finest night you could imagine The calmest dark dipped in the finest red haze you could find And you sat there smiling, but I saw your hands tied back The last entry in your book said "He was perfect".

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04-09-2007, 09:22 AM	#2
The_Flash!!!! mermancoughMERMAN!!! Join Date: May 2004 Location: The U.S. Posts: 253	Okay, two little things that don't make sense: 1) The very same shad that once killed off your scapegoat - What is a shad? 2) We watched as the sweat on you wineglass - This just doesn't make sense. Over all, I guess it was okay.

04-09-2007, 09:49 AM	#3
liz123 Registered User Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 59	Is "shad" supposed to be "shade"? Also, "vanished a civilization" I think without the 'a' works better to be honest. Imagery is well incorporated and I enjoyed reading it. Though the line "As you lay in the bed next to someone you dont know", comes across too bluntly to me. For example try saying something like 'the body lay unidentified'... you know what I mean...