Thread Tools Search this Thread Rate Thread
Old 07-04-2006, 09:26 PM   #1
Cygnus Inter Anates
Banned
 
Cygnus Inter Anates's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 739
Opaque Figurines

Something I wrote recently, I guess. I'm not too sure about it, but I decided to post it here anyway. To anyone that gave me a crit last time, I'll return it as soon as possible, being forgetful as I am.

It's pretty simple. Anyway...

"Opaque Figurines"

There are no reflections here
As dark as every room is
Find it dense, I find it pointless.

Mirrors run opaque
Translating every syllable
Forgotten in the dust.

Wake up, starlight
These words are nothing new
Bring out the books, from our roots.

Evenings run opaque
As expectations turn to filth
Left for us to breathe, again.

Where did the luster go
All that we are left is
The finish of drifting hopes,

Turning away with the morning air
We will never breathe, again.
Cygnus Inter Anates is offline  
Old 07-04-2006, 09:40 PM   #2
Mitch2oo6
Mitch plays the drums
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,016
There are no reflections here
As dark as every room is
Find it dense, I find it pointless.


Intriguing to say the least. Opens up your mind for anything. It's a good opener. Some simple words create some very vivid pictures. Good job.

Mirrors run opaque
Translating every syllable
Forgotten in the dust.


Again, it makes you wonder and think. Though here, it's a perhaps a tad overdone. Whether you change it or not wont make to much difference I dont think, it's just that it was a tad too confusing, you know.

Wake up, starlight
These words are nothing new
Bring out the books, from our roots.


Too short to mean anything. Filler, in other words. Its probably the weakest stanza, and also probably not necessary.

Evenings run opaque
As expectations turn to filth
Left for us to breathe, again.


A nice tweak on the other opaque line, I liked it. Another simple but thought-provoking stanza, cooked to perfection.

Where did the luster go
All that we are left is
The finish of drifting hopes
,

Unfortunatley this stanza comes off as a bit trite. The originality in this piece has been great through-out but theres a small lapse here. Especially in the last line. This stanza also feels like a kind of filler stanza, and it doesnt really do much for the song in general.

Turning away with the morning air
We will never breathe, again


Im not a big fan of couplets, but this one is a great finish.

All in all, it's a good, solid piece. The odd stanza that could be better, but most of it is great. 7.5/10.

Check out either:
Lima Six D
Connection Through Imperfection.
Or both if you like!
Lima Six D seems to have dropped to page two.
Mitch2oo6 is offline  
Old 07-04-2006, 11:14 PM   #3
Cygnus Inter Anates
Banned
 
Cygnus Inter Anates's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 739
Thanks.

Oh, and uh.. triple post much?
Cygnus Inter Anates is offline  
Old 07-05-2006, 02:41 AM   #4
Mitch2oo6
Mitch plays the drums
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,016
There was five. MX was playing up.
Mitch2oo6 is offline  
 


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 02:26 PM.