Opaque Figurines

~~Cygnus Inter Anates~~ · 07-04-2006, 09:26 PM

Something I wrote recently, I guess. I'm not too sure about it, but I decided to post it here anyway. To anyone that gave me a crit last time, I'll return it as soon as possible, being forgetful as I am.

It's pretty simple. Anyway...

"Opaque Figurines"

There are no reflections here
As dark as every room is
Find it dense, I find it pointless.

Mirrors run opaque
Translating every syllable
Forgotten in the dust.

Wake up, starlight
These words are nothing new
Bring out the books, from our roots.

Evenings run opaque
As expectations turn to filth
Left for us to breathe, again.

Where did the luster go
All that we are left is
The finish of drifting hopes,

Turning away with the morning air
We will never breathe, again.

Mitch2oo6 · 07-04-2006, 09:40 PM

There are no reflections here
As dark as every room is
Find it dense, I find it pointless.

Intriguing to say the least. Opens up your mind for anything. It's a good opener. Some simple words create some very vivid pictures. Good job.

Mirrors run opaque
Translating every syllable
Forgotten in the dust.

Again, it makes you wonder and think. Though here, it's a perhaps a tad overdone. Whether you change it or not wont make to much difference I dont think, it's just that it was a tad too confusing, you know.

Wake up, starlight
These words are nothing new
Bring out the books, from our roots.

Too short to mean anything. Filler, in other words. Its probably the weakest stanza, and also probably not necessary.

Evenings run opaque
As expectations turn to filth
Left for us to breathe, again.

A nice tweak on the other opaque line, I liked it. Another simple but thought-provoking stanza, cooked to perfection.

Where did the luster go
All that we are left is
The finish of drifting hopes,

Unfortunatley this stanza comes off as a bit trite. The originality in this piece has been great through-out but theres a small lapse here. Especially in the last line. This stanza also feels like a kind of filler stanza, and it doesnt really do much for the song in general.

Turning away with the morning air
We will never breathe, again

Im not a big fan of couplets, but this one is a great finish.

All in all, it's a good, solid piece. The odd stanza that could be better, but most of it is great. 7.5/10.

Check out either:
Lima Six D
Connection Through Imperfection.
Or both if you like!

Lima Six D seems to have dropped to page two.

~~Cygnus Inter Anates~~ · 07-04-2006, 11:14 PM

Thanks.

Oh, and uh.. triple post much?

Mitch2oo6 · 07-05-2006, 02:41 AM

There was five. MX was playing up.

07-04-2006, 09:26 PM	#1
~~Cygnus Inter Anates~~ Banned Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 739	Opaque Figurines Something I wrote recently, I guess. I'm not too sure about it, but I decided to post it here anyway. To anyone that gave me a crit last time, I'll return it as soon as possible, being forgetful as I am. It's pretty simple. Anyway... "Opaque Figurines" There are no reflections here As dark as every room is Find it dense, I find it pointless. Mirrors run opaque Translating every syllable Forgotten in the dust. Wake up, starlight These words are nothing new Bring out the books, from our roots. Evenings run opaque As expectations turn to filth Left for us to breathe, again. Where did the luster go All that we are left is The finish of drifting hopes, Turning away with the morning air We will never breathe, again.

Thread Tools	Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Email this Page	Search this Thread: Advanced Search
Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

07-04-2006, 09:40 PM	#2
Mitch2oo6 Mitch plays the drums Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Australia Posts: 1,016	There are no reflections here As dark as every room is Find it dense, I find it pointless. Intriguing to say the least. Opens up your mind for anything. It's a good opener. Some simple words create some very vivid pictures. Good job. Mirrors run opaque Translating every syllable Forgotten in the dust. Again, it makes you wonder and think. Though here, it's a perhaps a tad overdone. Whether you change it or not wont make to much difference I dont think, it's just that it was a tad too confusing, you know. Wake up, starlight These words are nothing new Bring out the books, from our roots. Too short to mean anything. Filler, in other words. Its probably the weakest stanza, and also probably not necessary. Evenings run opaque As expectations turn to filth Left for us to breathe, again. A nice tweak on the other opaque line, I liked it. Another simple but thought-provoking stanza, cooked to perfection. Where did the luster go All that we are left is The finish of drifting hopes, Unfortunatley this stanza comes off as a bit trite. The originality in this piece has been great through-out but theres a small lapse here. Especially in the last line. This stanza also feels like a kind of filler stanza, and it doesnt really do much for the song in general. Turning away with the morning air We will never breathe, again Im not a big fan of couplets, but this one is a great finish. All in all, it's a good, solid piece. The odd stanza that could be better, but most of it is great. 7.5/10. Check out either: Lima Six D Connection Through Imperfection. Or both if you like! Lima Six D seems to have dropped to page two.

07-04-2006, 11:14 PM	#3
~~Cygnus Inter Anates~~ Banned Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 739	Thanks. Oh, and uh.. triple post much?

07-05-2006, 02:41 AM	#4
Mitch2oo6 Mitch plays the drums Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Australia Posts: 1,016	There was five. MX was playing up.