Challenge 105 - "Revolution" Voting (ends April 4)

***DFelon204409*** · 03-29-2006, 05:10 AM

go!!!!!

Bigbadbob · 03-29-2006, 10:07 AM

ReturnoftheBiz: Has this been posted before? Seems familiar. I like most of what you're saying but I dont particularly care for how you say it. It just doesnt strike me as lyrically poetic. 6/10

Lowridenn: I like the mood here. Some oddities in structures between verse 1 & 2. I never liked the word angel (like masses) in lyrics, its just been over used by the pop crowd. But overall I'd call it a keeper 7.5/10

Nath: Seems to flow right through with a nice easy rhythm. On the downside its a totally forgetable story 6.8/10

Jurialmunkey: What I like about this is how unforced it feels, parts are open for interpretation, dripping with atmosphere and... did I hear a train whistle in the background? 8/10

SketchyJoe: I do and I dont. I mean on one hand its kind of standard rebelious stuff with rhymes but not all of it. Maybe its the Rhymes. 7/10

Cardcheat: Gah...it does (lol) Credit for an honest try 5/10

Pixiesfanyo: I honestly dont know where to go with this. 6/10

conniption: It might just be Monday talking but this doesnt strike me as anything substantial 6/10

BBB

Tainted Soul: Total rip-off.... no (lol). Alot of the same verbage but coincidence I think. A good rendition of our short sightedness. The chorus appears seemless. 7/10

ATC:Smartly written and somewhat mysterious. Several outstanding lines. I see my entry.... slipping further in the standings 8/10

LittleJohn: So unassuming in its appeal...couldnt help but smile. 8/10

Dfelon: Well you certainly have no trouble expressing yourself. Plenty of imagination, creativity and confidence. This seems to have the cohesivness of LSD (which is fun) balanced with irony, skepticism and Monty Python. Sadly it wont replace PINK's "stupid girl" (talk about irony) but I'd much rather see this video. 7.9/10

ReturnoftheBiz: 11
Lowridenn: 5
Nath: 8
Jurialmunkey: 1
SketchyJoe: 6
Cardcheat: 12
Pixiesfanyo: 9
conniption: 10
BBB
Tainted Soul: 7
ATC: 2
LittleJohn: 3
Dfelon: 4

Littlejohn · 03-29-2006, 01:55 PM

ReturnoftheBiz - It's good. Nothing "OMG!" worthy, but good. Some very good imagery that is sadly rooted an overall poorly structured piece. Reading it becomes easily cumbersome due to the lack of variety in sentence length and such, but...not too shabby.

Quote:

Roll down the red carpet and number these tables
Because we need guidance like we need labels.

^ I love the simplicity of those lines. Very "Panic!ATD".

Lowridenn - Overall, not my cup-o-tea, but I loved it nonetheless. The second stanza is unbelievably good. The only problem I have with it, and I am nitpicking, is using "desperate" and "desperately" so close together (just a pet peave). Other than that stanza, however, nothing really jumped out at me. Ultimately rather good.

Nath - eh...nope. Forced rhymes and unoriginal ideas. Some lines even come off nonsensical (aching for the touch of your scent?), which I suppose could work if they weren't randomly interjected into a cohesive storyline.

Jurialmunkey - there's no doubt that your vocabulary is...extensive, but it seems unbecoming to this piece. I love what you have to say. It's fantastic, but toning some diction down never hurt anybody. This is subjective, of course. My favorite part was "There snaps the neck, three musical pieces". The simplicity was exquisite and the verb "snap" was unexpected.

SketchyJoe
Cardcheat
Pixiesfanyo
conniption
BBB
Tainted Soul
ATC
LittleJohn - City of God is a good movie.
Dfelon

ReturnoftheBiz: 5
Lowridenn: 4
Nath: 9
Jurialmunkey: 3
SketchyJoe: 6
Cardcheat: 12
Pixiesfanyo: 8
conniption: 10
BBB: 7
Tainted Soul: 11
ATC: 2
Dfelon: 1

Sorry if I didn't crit. Just ask me to in the replies thread. Didn't want to run out of time.

pixiesfanyo · 03-29-2006, 03:17 PM

ReturnoftheBiz - Reminds me of the Blood Brothers, which is kind of the in thing nowadays isn't it? Sex, Satire, and Sucking

Lowridenn - Hey, this is kind of like a modern rock song, that I'd really dig. It has some bad lines, but I think the overall delivery is really ace.

Nath - This seems to be some average pop-punk, I don't got nothing 'gainst that, but it's just kind of lacking substance wise. Still, solid pop-punk song.

Jurialmunkey - it's hard out here for a pimp?

SketchyJoe - good, i'm probably stereotyping you just because you're a punk "vet" but it's a got a punk vibe, it's a little longwinded.. in that it seems like it's long for the sake of being long, not for any real purpose.

Cardcheat - yeah. repeating three lines does not make a song.

conniption - you try to rhyme way to much

BBB - it's okay, reminds me of a metal ballad. could use a little finese

Tainted Soul - try some incandescent mind stuff

ATC - beh

LittleJohn - writing about poetry is fun

Dfelon - dammit. those lion king lines hit a nerve with me. the begin of the poem is lame, but those lines. ughghghhghghg so good.

ReturnoftheBiz: 8
Lowridenn: 3
Nath: 6
Jurialmunkey: 2
SketchyJoe: 4
Cardcheat: 12
conniption: 10
BBB: 5
Tainted Soul: 11
ATC: 7
LittleJohn: 9
Dfelon: 1

CardCheat · 03-29-2006, 05:00 PM

sketchyjoe
returnofthebiz
nath
lowridenn
jurialmunkey
tainted soul
cardcheat
bbb
conniption
ATC
littlejohn
dfelon

sketchyjoe · 03-29-2006, 05:23 PM

Judging was very hard for this one.

ReturnoftheBiz: This is good. The way you build up a tone using imagery and concepts that are twisted in on themselves is fantastic. There are great individual lines and it all adds up to a cohesive whole. 1st
Lowridenn: I like this more than your last piece. It has a strong start but tails off somewhat with all the short lines at the end. 12th
Nath: This is also a lot better than your last piece. It's more dynamic and compact. Some of the imagery leans towards the cheesy but it usually avoids it. The first verse is the strongest but there are good lines (particularly 'I know my heart is not the only one on your sleeve') thoughout. 9th
Jurialmunkey: Great imagery here. It's very cutting and dark with a lot of good word use. 3rd
SketchyJoe: I wrote this after drinking lots of Vodka.
Cardcheat: Judging this as a lyrical effort, it's not the best, but as a political punk song, it does all it will ever need to. An anthemic call-to-arms sort of song is hard to pull off but you do it well. It works less well when you abandon the structure of the first two verses but overall it's still good. 10th
Pixiesfanyo: Small but perfectly formed. Despite it's brevity it really piles on the imagery and contrasts serious themes with more innocent ones 2nd
conniption: The opening couplet is the strongest of the piece but the first verse doesn't fit with the rest from what I can figure out. The very short lines that end each verse don't always work but the piece as a whole does establish a nice tone and uses some good analogies. Also, I think you want to use 'their' not 'there' at the end of the third verse. 8th
BBB: Nicely put together but it didn't really grabs me. There's not much I can fault, it's just not my sort of thing. 11th
Tainted Soul: The imagery builds up very quickly and really grabs the reader. The chorus is a bit weaker but the verses hold it together. The ending is slightly OTT but I still liked it. 5th
ATC: Some very strong parts in this, particularly the whole second verse, but other parts (like the penultimate stanza) let it down. Still an interesting piece. 7th
LittleJohn: A good solid piece that accomplishes what it wants to. I love the part about debating whether to capitalise the word god. The ending is also great. 4th
Dfelon: This is a very free-flowing piece that takes you places you don't think you're going to go. In places it feels like a novelty poem but in other places in feels deep and tender. I'm still not sure if this is very very good or very very bad. 6th

***DFelon204409*** · 03-29-2006, 05:53 PM

Raise the roof

ReturnoftheBiz
Lowridenn
Nath
Jurialmunkey
SketchyJoe
Cardcheat
Pixiesfanyo
conniption
BBB
Tainted Soul
ATC
LittleJohn
Dfelon

conniption · 03-29-2006, 09:03 PM

ReturnoftheBiz-10
Lowridenn-8
Nath-11
Jurialmunkey-2
SketchyJoe-3
Cardcheat-12
Pixiesfanyo-4
conniption-X
BBB-5
Tainted Soul-9
ATC-7
LittleJohn-1
Dfelon-6

If you need a crit ask and I'll give one.

pixiesfanyo · 03-29-2006, 10:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CardCheat

sketchyjoe
returnofthebiz
nath
lowridenn
jurialmunkey
tainted soul
cardcheat
bbb
conniption
ATC
littlejohn
dfelon

you forgot me

just so you know

Dinosawesome · 03-29-2006, 11:04 PM

ReturnoftheBiz: 10
Lowridenn: 8
Nath:
Jurialmunkey: 2
SketchyJoe: 7
Cardcheat: 12
Pixiesfanyo: 5
conniption: 11
BBB 6
Tainted Soul: 9
ATC: 3
LittleJohn: 4
Dfelon: 1

jurialmunkey · 04-04-2006, 07:25 AM

ReturnoftheBiz: 6
Lowridenn: 5
Nath: 9
Jurialmunkey: ME
SketchyJoe: 7
Cardcheat: 12
Pixiesfanyo: 3
conniption: 11
BBB: 4
Tainted Soul: 8
ATC: 1
LittleJohn: 2
Dfelon: 10

ATC · 04-04-2006, 11:17 PM

sketchyjoe - 2
returnofthebiz - 9
nath - 8
lowridenn - 4
jurialmunkey - 3
tainted soul - 5
cardcheat - 12
pixies- 10
bbb - 1
conniption - 11
ATC- me
littlejohn - 7
dfelon -6

03-29-2006, 05:10 AM	#1
*DFelon204409* i want tha gold Supermod Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: San Francisco Posts: 14,899	Challenge 105 - "Revolution" Voting (ends April 4) go!!!!!
	Digging: Orphans of Cush - White Noize

03-29-2006, 10:07 AM	#2
Bigbadbob Lacks Originality Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Portland, Or Posts: 1,356	ReturnoftheBiz: Has this been posted before? Seems familiar. I like most of what you're saying but I dont particularly care for how you say it. It just doesnt strike me as lyrically poetic. 6/10 Lowridenn: I like the mood here. Some oddities in structures between verse 1 & 2. I never liked the word angel (like masses) in lyrics, its just been over used by the pop crowd. But overall I'd call it a keeper 7.5/10 Nath: Seems to flow right through with a nice easy rhythm. On the downside its a totally forgetable story 6.8/10 Jurialmunkey: What I like about this is how unforced it feels, parts are open for interpretation, dripping with atmosphere and... did I hear a train whistle in the background? 8/10 SketchyJoe: I do and I dont. I mean on one hand its kind of standard rebelious stuff with rhymes but not all of it. Maybe its the Rhymes. 7/10 Cardcheat: Gah...it does (lol) Credit for an honest try 5/10 Pixiesfanyo: I honestly dont know where to go with this. 6/10 conniption: It might just be Monday talking but this doesnt strike me as anything substantial 6/10 BBB Tainted Soul: Total rip-off.... no (lol). Alot of the same verbage but coincidence I think. A good rendition of our short sightedness. The chorus appears seemless. 7/10 ATC:Smartly written and somewhat mysterious. Several outstanding lines. I see my entry.... slipping further in the standings 8/10 LittleJohn: So unassuming in its appeal...couldnt help but smile. 8/10 Dfelon: Well you certainly have no trouble expressing yourself. Plenty of imagination, creativity and confidence. This seems to have the cohesivness of LSD (which is fun) balanced with irony, skepticism and Monty Python. Sadly it wont replace PINK's "stupid girl" (talk about irony) but I'd much rather see this video. 7.9/10 ReturnoftheBiz: 11 Lowridenn: 5 Nath: 8 Jurialmunkey: 1 SketchyJoe: 6 Cardcheat: 12 Pixiesfanyo: 9 conniption: 10 BBB Tainted Soul: 7 ATC: 2 LittleJohn: 3 Dfelon: 4 Last edited by Bigbadbob; 04-03-2006 at 01:44 PM.

03-29-2006, 03:17 PM	#4
pixiesfanyo huffing & puffing Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: idyllwild, ca Posts: 17,776	ReturnoftheBiz - Reminds me of the Blood Brothers, which is kind of the in thing nowadays isn't it? Sex, Satire, and Sucking Lowridenn - Hey, this is kind of like a modern rock song, that I'd really dig. It has some bad lines, but I think the overall delivery is really ace. Nath - This seems to be some average pop-punk, I don't got nothing 'gainst that, but it's just kind of lacking substance wise. Still, solid pop-punk song. Jurialmunkey - it's hard out here for a pimp? SketchyJoe - good, i'm probably stereotyping you just because you're a punk "vet" but it's a got a punk vibe, it's a little longwinded.. in that it seems like it's long for the sake of being long, not for any real purpose. Cardcheat - yeah. repeating three lines does not make a song. conniption - you try to rhyme way to much BBB - it's okay, reminds me of a metal ballad. could use a little finese Tainted Soul - try some incandescent mind stuff ATC - beh LittleJohn - writing about poetry is fun Dfelon - dammit. those lion king lines hit a nerve with me. the begin of the poem is lame, but those lines. ughghghhghghg so good. ReturnoftheBiz: 8 Lowridenn: 3 Nath: 6 Jurialmunkey: 2 SketchyJoe: 4 Cardcheat: 12 conniption: 10 BBB: 5 Tainted Soul: 11 ATC: 7 LittleJohn: 9 Dfelon: 1 Last edited by pixiesfanyo; 04-03-2006 at 08:14 PM.
	Digging: Do Make Say Think - Other Truths

03-29-2006, 05:23 PM	#6
sketchyjoe GREAT GOOGA-MOOGA! Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Desolation Row, London Posts: 16,337	Judging was very hard for this one. ReturnoftheBiz: This is good. The way you build up a tone using imagery and concepts that are twisted in on themselves is fantastic. There are great individual lines and it all adds up to a cohesive whole. 1st Lowridenn: I like this more than your last piece. It has a strong start but tails off somewhat with all the short lines at the end. 12th Nath: This is also a lot better than your last piece. It's more dynamic and compact. Some of the imagery leans towards the cheesy but it usually avoids it. The first verse is the strongest but there are good lines (particularly 'I know my heart is not the only one on your sleeve') thoughout. 9th Jurialmunkey: Great imagery here. It's very cutting and dark with a lot of good word use. 3rd SketchyJoe: I wrote this after drinking lots of Vodka. Cardcheat: Judging this as a lyrical effort, it's not the best, but as a political punk song, it does all it will ever need to. An anthemic call-to-arms sort of song is hard to pull off but you do it well. It works less well when you abandon the structure of the first two verses but overall it's still good. 10th Pixiesfanyo: Small but perfectly formed. Despite it's brevity it really piles on the imagery and contrasts serious themes with more innocent ones 2nd conniption: The opening couplet is the strongest of the piece but the first verse doesn't fit with the rest from what I can figure out. The very short lines that end each verse don't always work but the piece as a whole does establish a nice tone and uses some good analogies. Also, I think you want to use 'their' not 'there' at the end of the third verse. 8th BBB: Nicely put together but it didn't really grabs me. There's not much I can fault, it's just not my sort of thing. 11th Tainted Soul: The imagery builds up very quickly and really grabs the reader. The chorus is a bit weaker but the verses hold it together. The ending is slightly OTT but I still liked it. 5th ATC: Some very strong parts in this, particularly the whole second verse, but other parts (like the penultimate stanza) let it down. Still an interesting piece. 7th LittleJohn: A good solid piece that accomplishes what it wants to. I love the part about debating whether to capitalise the word god. The ending is also great. 4th Dfelon: This is a very free-flowing piece that takes you places you don't think you're going to go. In places it feels like a novelty poem but in other places in feels deep and tender. I'm still not sure if this is very very good or very very bad. 6th Last edited by sketchyjoe; 03-30-2006 at 04:31 PM.

03-29-2006, 05:53 PM	#7
*DFelon204409* i want tha gold Supermod Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: San Francisco Posts: 14,899	Raise the roof ReturnoftheBiz Lowridenn Nath Jurialmunkey SketchyJoe Cardcheat Pixiesfanyo conniption BBB Tainted Soul ATC LittleJohn Dfelon
	Digging: Orphans of Cush - White Noize

03-29-2006, 05:00 PM	#5
CardCheat Sancho Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Indiana, USA Posts: 171	sketchyjoe returnofthebiz nath lowridenn jurialmunkey tainted soul cardcheat bbb conniption ATC littlejohn dfelon

03-29-2006, 09:03 PM	#8
conniption Praise to the Sinners Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Marlborough, Massachusetts Posts: 902	ReturnoftheBiz-10 Lowridenn-8 Nath-11 Jurialmunkey-2 SketchyJoe-3 Cardcheat-12 Pixiesfanyo-4 conniption-X BBB-5 Tainted Soul-9 ATC-7 LittleJohn-1 Dfelon-6 If you need a crit ask and I'll give one. Last edited by conniption; 04-04-2006 at 08:53 PM.

03-29-2006, 11:04 PM	#10
Dinosawesome Resident Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Jurassic Park Posts: 31,126	ReturnoftheBiz: 10 Lowridenn: 8 Nath: Jurialmunkey: 2 SketchyJoe: 7 Cardcheat: 12 Pixiesfanyo: 5 conniption: 11 BBB 6 Tainted Soul: 9 ATC: 3 LittleJohn: 4 Dfelon: 1 Last edited by Dinosawesome; 04-04-2006 at 06:10 AM.
	Digging: Brand New - Daisy

04-04-2006, 07:25 AM	#11
jurialmunkey You Need Sunshine, Vitamin... S&amp;L Mx Sarcasm Princess. Look-out, I bite... Or does that turn you on? Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Inside a Bi-Polar Bear Posts: 2,131	ReturnoftheBiz: 6 Lowridenn: 5 Nath: 9 Jurialmunkey: ME SketchyJoe: 7 Cardcheat: 12 Pixiesfanyo: 3 conniption: 11 BBB: 4 Tainted Soul: 8 ATC: 1 LittleJohn: 2 Dfelon: 10

04-04-2006, 11:17 PM	#12
ATC Thru leaves,over bridges Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 6,745	sketchyjoe - 2 returnofthebiz - 9 nath - 8 lowridenn - 4 jurialmunkey - 3 tainted soul - 5 cardcheat - 12 pixies- 10 bbb - 1 conniption - 11 ATC- me littlejohn - 7 dfelon -6 Last edited by ATC; 04-05-2006 at 04:50 AM.

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