Declaration of independants

jb6oclock · 01-10-2006, 07:27 PM

I wrote this song tonight, hope for more feedback than "Lost at home" got, now I understand many of you will be confused with the flow here......which is understandable considering it was'nt written to music but I'll figure that part out so please just comment and give constructive critisizm about the lyrics and structure itself. Thank you 6:00

Declaration of independants~

Verse 1~

We're all swimming in the same sea
Vast and often dissapointing
All of us hopeless but we're still free
I can't speak for anyone
and noone speaks for me
so we tread in circles silently....

Chorus~

Waiting for the day when something comes along
someone to come and save us or tell us we were wrong
I don't have the patience to wait till then
consider this my declaration of independants

Verse 2~

We don't have to listen to what they say
We don't have to pay attention to every wave
some are meant to jar us
send us on our way
Question our integrity but we won't break
While We're.......(small scale solo)..............

Chorus~

Bridge~

I don't have to be like you, you dont have to be like them
I don't want to be like them, I don't want to be like them......

Chorus~

Verse 3~

Travel on and you will find
Different places in your time
Places them and I can't go
Islands where you hide while ......................(blend in edited chorus)
you're waiting for the day something comes along
someone to save you or convince you that your wrong
If you don't have the patience to wait for them
declare your declaration of independance!

Chorus~

END~

Leaves · 01-10-2006, 07:33 PM

It's spelled "independence".

jb6oclock · 01-10-2006, 07:36 PM

apperantly you had trouble reading the song....That's the point!

Leaves · 01-10-2006, 07:43 PM

It's spelled "apparently".

jb6oclock · 01-10-2006, 07:50 PM

hey dude i didnt come here for an english lesson geez just read the song if it sucks say so.......

sandsoftime · 01-10-2006, 08:35 PM

Declaration of independants~
<typo>
Verse 1~

We're all swimming in the same sea
Vast and often dissapointing
All of us hopeless but we're still free
I can't speak for anyone
and noone speaks for me
so we tread in circles silently....
<if your so free why so you go in circles. no offence just asking>

Chorus~

Waiting for the day when something comes along
someone to come and save us or tell us we were wrong
I don't have the patience to wait till then
consider this my declaration of independants
<i actually thought this was rather good...other than the typo>

Verse 2~

We don't have to listen to what they say
We don't have to pay attention to every wave
some are meant to jar us
send us on our way
Question our integrity but we won't break
While We're.......(small scale solo)..............
While We're......what....while we're what?>

Chorus~

Bridge~

I don't have to be like you, you dont have to be like them
I don't want to be like them, I don't want to be like them......
<and i don't ever wanna, i don't ever wanna be you. don't wanna be just like you....this is the anthem throw all your hands up...you. don't wanna be you......it just sounds like good charlotte>

Chorus~

Verse 3~

Travel on and you will find
Different places in your time
Places them and I can't go
Islands where you hide while ......................(blend in edited chorus)
you're waiting for the day something comes along
someone to save you or convince you that your wrong
If you don't have the patience to wait for them
declare your declaration of independance!
<last line is so weak>

Chorus~

END~

<all around i liked it. other than the misspelled words and the weak lines. and the bridge....the end didn't even ryhme like the rest of it.>

P.s. can i post my newest song...it's been like seventeen hours since i posted one...can we break the rules this once...i'm shaking with anticipation...or how ever the hell you spell it>

jb6oclock · 01-10-2006, 08:47 PM

I hadn't realized everyone was so concerned about spelling in here or I'd have spent an extra hour typing this.....I didn't ask for spellcheck critisizm I was hoping for more replies about the song. Thanks for the advice sandsoftime much appreciated. 6:00

jb6oclock · 01-10-2006, 08:53 PM

We're all swimming in the same sea
Vast and often dissapointing
All of us hopeless but we're still free
I can't speak for anyone
and noone speaks for me
so we tread in circles silently....
<if your so free why so you go in circles. no offence just asking>

your as free as you can be in the sea and i can assure you if you were swimming in the sea with everyone else you would have no direction...just swim in circles (new faces same water)

Okay there seems to be confusion based on my spelling of "Independance" look people the word I'm using in the song until the last sentance is "Independants" meaning; "Individuals"

sandsoftime · 01-10-2006, 08:57 PM

as to the question that makes pefect sense so thanks..as for the spelling....i like independance better....and as for posting my song called wrecked?????
(this is the part where you write if i can or not.)

jb6oclock · 01-11-2006, 10:11 PM

why are you asking me if you can post a song?
i dont care go for it post 50 songs woooooo hoooooo!

mbrinton138 · 01-11-2006, 10:23 PM

I think its cool. it sounds like something that could be featured in Matthew Good Band's Audio of Being

Dingbats · 01-12-2006, 12:06 PM

I find the verses better than the chorus, especially the first verse. I'd try and get not as explicit in the second verse, though that verse is still quite good, it doesn't fit in perfectly with the rest. And indeed the bridge could be reworked to sound not as obvious to its meaning.
In the chorus, the second line "someone to come and save us or tell us we were wrong" doesn't seem to fit in very well with the rhythm. I don't know if it does or not, you know that better, but maybe if you crossed out a couple of syllables to make it fit? If you're not too happy with the line that is. But the thing is that in the chorus it's more important that the rhymthm is consistent since the chorus is the most important part of the song, at leat to most listeners.

All in all I like your song, it's better than many other things I see here. Keep it up!

01-10-2006, 07:27 PM	#1
jb6oclock Clone#jeffersonalpha7 Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 206	Declaration of independants I wrote this song tonight, hope for more feedback than "Lost at home" got, now I understand many of you will be confused with the flow here......which is understandable considering it was'nt written to music but I'll figure that part out so please just comment and give constructive critisizm about the lyrics and structure itself. Thank you 6:00 Declaration of independants~ Verse 1~ We're all swimming in the same sea Vast and often dissapointing All of us hopeless but we're still free I can't speak for anyone and noone speaks for me so we tread in circles silently.... Chorus~ Waiting for the day when something comes along someone to come and save us or tell us we were wrong I don't have the patience to wait till then consider this my declaration of independants Verse 2~ We don't have to listen to what they say We don't have to pay attention to every wave some are meant to jar us send us on our way Question our integrity but we won't break While We're.......(small scale solo).............. Chorus~ Bridge~ I don't have to be like you, you dont have to be like them I don't want to be like them, I don't want to be like them...... Chorus~ Verse 3~ Travel on and you will find Different places in your time Places them and I can't go Islands where you hide while ......................(blend in edited chorus) you're waiting for the day something comes along someone to save you or convince you that your wrong If you don't have the patience to wait for them declare your declaration of independance! Chorus~ END~

01-10-2006, 08:53 PM	#8
jb6oclock Clone#jeffersonalpha7 Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 206	an answer to questions We're all swimming in the same sea Vast and often dissapointing All of us hopeless but we're still free I can't speak for anyone and noone speaks for me so we tread in circles silently.... <if your so free why so you go in circles. no offence just asking> your as free as you can be in the sea and i can assure you if you were swimming in the sea with everyone else you would have no direction...just swim in circles (new faces same water) Okay there seems to be confusion based on my spelling of "Independance" look people the word I'm using in the song until the last sentance is "Independants" meaning; "Individuals"

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01-10-2006, 07:33 PM	#2
Leaves ain't lettin' it get me Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: SE Minnesota Posts: 449	It's spelled "independence".

01-10-2006, 07:36 PM	#3
jb6oclock Clone#jeffersonalpha7 Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 206	apperantly you had trouble reading the song....That's the point!

01-10-2006, 07:43 PM	#4
Leaves ain't lettin' it get me Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: SE Minnesota Posts: 449	It's spelled "apparently".

01-10-2006, 07:50 PM	#5
jb6oclock Clone#jeffersonalpha7 Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 206	hey dude i didnt come here for an english lesson geez just read the song if it sucks say so.......

01-10-2006, 08:35 PM	#6
sandsoftime Emo-sexual Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Someplace Cold Posts: 261	Declaration of independants~ <typo> Verse 1~ We're all swimming in the same sea Vast and often dissapointing All of us hopeless but we're still free I can't speak for anyone and noone speaks for me so we tread in circles silently.... <if your so free why so you go in circles. no offence just asking> Chorus~ Waiting for the day when something comes along someone to come and save us or tell us we were wrong I don't have the patience to wait till then consider this my declaration of independants <i actually thought this was rather good...other than the typo> Verse 2~ We don't have to listen to what they say We don't have to pay attention to every wave some are meant to jar us send us on our way Question our integrity but we won't break While We're.......(small scale solo).............. While We're......what....while we're what?> Chorus~ Bridge~ I don't have to be like you, you dont have to be like them I don't want to be like them, I don't want to be like them...... <and i don't ever wanna, i don't ever wanna be you. don't wanna be just like you....this is the anthem throw all your hands up...you. don't wanna be you......it just sounds like good charlotte> Chorus~ Verse 3~ Travel on and you will find Different places in your time Places them and I can't go Islands where you hide while ......................(blend in edited chorus) you're waiting for the day something comes along someone to save you or convince you that your wrong If you don't have the patience to wait for them declare your declaration of independance! <last line is so weak> Chorus~ END~ <all around i liked it. other than the misspelled words and the weak lines. and the bridge....the end didn't even ryhme like the rest of it.> P.s. can i post my newest song...it's been like seventeen hours since i posted one...can we break the rules this once...i'm shaking with anticipation...or how ever the hell you spell it>

01-10-2006, 08:47 PM	#7
jb6oclock Clone#jeffersonalpha7 Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 206	I hadn't realized everyone was so concerned about spelling in here or I'd have spent an extra hour typing this.....I didn't ask for spellcheck critisizm I was hoping for more replies about the song. Thanks for the advice sandsoftime much appreciated. 6:00

01-10-2006, 08:57 PM	#9
sandsoftime Emo-sexual Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Someplace Cold Posts: 261	as to the question that makes pefect sense so thanks..as for the spelling....i like independance better....and as for posting my song called wrecked????? (this is the part where you write if i can or not.)

01-11-2006, 10:11 PM	#10
jb6oclock Clone#jeffersonalpha7 Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 206	why are you asking me if you can post a song? i dont care go for it post 50 songs woooooo hoooooo!

01-11-2006, 10:23 PM	#11
mbrinton138 Ibanez Lover <3 Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Regina, SK Posts: 146	I think its cool. it sounds like something that could be featured in Matthew Good Band's Audio of Being

01-12-2006, 12:06 PM	#12
Dingbats www.softbraingames.com Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Sweden Posts: 96	I find the verses better than the chorus, especially the first verse. I'd try and get not as explicit in the second verse, though that verse is still quite good, it doesn't fit in perfectly with the rest. And indeed the bridge could be reworked to sound not as obvious to its meaning. In the chorus, the second line "someone to come and save us or tell us we were wrong" doesn't seem to fit in very well with the rhythm. I don't know if it does or not, you know that better, but maybe if you crossed out a couple of syllables to make it fit? If you're not too happy with the line that is. But the thing is that in the chorus it's more important that the rhymthm is consistent since the chorus is the most important part of the song, at leat to most listeners. All in all I like your song, it's better than many other things I see here. Keep it up!