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Old 01-10-2006, 06:13 PM   #1
haligh haligh
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Hitlerville, IL
Posts: 27
I'll Pick You Up In Fifteen...Don't Forget The Gasoline.

So I heard somewhere someone say,
That you'll be seceding down and out,
Like your pants and breasts respectively,
For the last but not the first time.
And all you can say for yourself,
Is that it's not a crime to be loose with lips,
But whose to assume what you do won't go unchecked.
Know that I notice every desperate,
Grasp for attention and find affection,
In every deliberately scattered action.

They call me minute man for a reason,
And it's not for my performance.
It's for my long term experience,
With these second place finish statistics.
If theres sixty seconds in a minute,
I'll show you what it's like go through an hour.

Be docile for just a day,
So you can see the way things go,
Doesn't have to be up in smoke.
I've tread on hostile grounds for some time,
Now it's your turn to step on off whites,
Unless you want your pearly ones to be,
Recorded in order to determine identity.

"Car fires aren't all too common in the woods"
"What can I say officer? I doused her in gasoline.
One of us was bound to go up eventually."
"But unforunately for you, arson is a crime,
And so is murder."
"I promise I didn't mean to hurt her. I guess,
She sparked a rage in me I couldn't put out."
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Old 01-10-2006, 07:18 PM   #2
ain't lettin' it get me
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: SE Minnesota
Posts: 449

The first stanza is EXCELLENT. I mean really really good. The whole thing. I thought it was very clever and had good rhythm.

Unfortunately just about everything after that was pretty poor. I don't know, bro, it just doesn't work. The whole "minute man" thing was weak. "the way things go, / Doesn't have to be up in smoke." -- that sounds clumsy. And the last stanza ruined it for me. It seemed like a lame "plot twist" that we've all seen a thousand times before. It didn't fit, and doesn't belong, in my opinion.

So yeah, this was a strange one for me, because I loved the first stanza and didn't like any of the rest of it. Hope that helps anyway. Late.
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Old 01-11-2006, 09:13 AM   #3
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Worksop, Notts, UK
Posts: 289
Thumbs up

Maybe if you just stuck with the rhythm and pentametre of the first stanza, and just changed the words for each new stanza, 'cos the first is awesome dude!
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Old 01-14-2006, 08:41 PM   #4
Dear diary, Jackpot!
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Essex, england
Posts: 310
This piece is ****ing awesome, not many people make me grin on here, but this had the kind of sick humour that I love, the title drew me into it originally, great btw.
My favourite line is the minute man part ( sorry to contrast other people)
But the whole last stanza was wicked aswell, the only bit that lets it down is the pearly white line, that didn't really do it for me.
If you could crit my 'lethologica' song, when I post it, that would be greatly appreciated.
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