Challenge 99 - Voting

12-10-2005, 07:58 PM

TojesDolan
LittleJohn
cytoplasmicglob
SubtleDagger
WhatILiveFor
Muse_
schwypees
ATC
WarLust

Tonight we're going voting like it's challenge 99.

/keyboard

Littlejohn · 12-10-2005, 08:29 PM

I apologize for some of the really short crits, but a lot of you are too far ahead in experience for me to really help you anyway..

TojesDolan

LittleJohn- Do you know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in France?

cytoplasmicglob- You're SO weird, however I remember back when I used to do these challenges often and you were weird AND bad. Sadly, I loved this piece. Probably because I can relate to it...

SubtleDagger - Amazing. I loved "And all I...beat for you". Also, the "sand" to "shifting second" relation was ace. The only line that I didn't find amazing was "As sure as crimson turned to black" because it seems like filler to me.

WhatILiveFor-

Muse - the first stanza is iffy. I mean I like what you are saying, but it seems soft and then harsh and then soft again. Damnation and hell seem to be a little too severe for the softness of the rest of the stanza. However I really like the piece as a whole. "I’m in the winter of my guilt now" - That is great.

schwypees
ATC
WarLust

1 SubtleDagger
2 ATC
3 TojesDolan
4 WhatILiveFor
5 Muse_
6 cytoplasmicglob
7 schwypees
8 WarLust

I just wanted to get these in. I have the flu like woah. Coincidentally my piece was about how much I hate winter...I think it got revenge. Oh well, I plan on getting back to this and critting the rest of ya, but honestly I probably won't.

pixiesfanyo · 12-10-2005, 09:40 PM

Hey. Subtle.

You suck. Voting shouldn't start until the end of saturday.

12-10-2005, 10:15 PM

Did you want to enter?

pixiesfanyo · 12-10-2005, 10:16 PM

meh.

i can't finish.

***TojesDolan*** · 12-10-2005, 10:50 PM

x TojesDolan - You're waaaaaay too sexy for this world. Sorry man.

4 LittleJohn - The seasons thing was OK, but nothing That was trully the sh¡t. On the brighter side, I think you're on the right path with vocabulary and what not. The middle stanza was amazing.

5 cytoplasmicglob - The post-modernistic ramblings were alright, the sense and feeling overall is nice, indeed. But for some reason it doesn't really hit me. Probably it was my more more romantic mood. It seems overly mechanic.
2 SubtleDagger - You know how I feel about it. It's good, but not the breath-taking usual Burt. It lacked a little, considering it's your material.
6 WhatIlivefoR - Remember that separating the stanzas makes it easier for the reader.

However, the story-like flow is interesting.
3 Muse_ - Great flow, although it's short. Your regular writing.
7 schwypees - Great start but dies out quickly due to the abuse of rhyme, and being a little dull. Good start, though.
1 ATC - I really enjoyed it. Comments in your thread.

8 WarLust - Good wording but seems a bit too generic. Keep working, though.

RunAmokRampant · 12-11-2005, 02:15 PM

TojesDolan 3
LittleJohn 5
cytoplasmicglob 9
SubtleDagger 1
WhatILiveFor 6
Muse_ 4
schwypees 8
ATC 2
WarLust 7

If you want a crit just ask and I'll do my best to answer

Muse_ · 12-12-2005, 01:33 PM

TojesDolan-3 I liked this piece for its language, but the flying lambs distracted me a bit too much. You've put a lot of great content into this piece, and the imagery is beautiful.
LittleJohn-1 This is more of a free verse poem than a song, but so much of what we post here is. Your piece is William Carlos Williams meets Barry Manilow. Pleasant and open to interpretation. Good job.
cytoplasmicglob- 5 Excellent content and thought behind this, but it was a little too choppy, even for a choppy styled piece. The last thought of sacraficing to save cash was great as well.
SubtleDagger-4 Great piece. I put a more detailed piece in your other thread.
WhatILiveFor- 6 This one read like a gimongous run-on sentence. You've got great ideas, but the presentation was too rough.
Muse_-Best thing since sliced bread.
schwypees-Some great content, I didn't know where you were going with the whole Polar bear thing thrown into the title and the end.
ATC-2 Excellent. I really enjoyed this. Not too much to crit here.
WarLust.-7Meh, this was a rather simple song to me. It doesn't seem like you've put a lot into it. It was shallow and lyrics for the sake of lyrics for me.

xKONRADx · 12-12-2005, 02:42 PM

1-TojesDolan awesome. i love it.
7-LittleJohn meh. didnt really get a good vibe.
5-cytoplasmicglob as expected, wtf. i didnt like the placement of some imagery, but other parts were pretty sweet.
2-SubtleDagger so fresh and so clean.
6-WhatILiveFor i liked the flow. some imagery/phrasing seemed off (the part in perenthesis)
4-Muse_ some lines were great (warm my hands on damnation) but the attutude didnt impress me.
9-schwypees the first verse was impressive, but then the forced rhymes got old
3-ATC first and last verses were perfect. the middle one seemed off. i didnt like the second one. you didnt set up your thoughts before you went into them like the other verses.
8-WarLust topically i didnt like it. your writing wasnt bad, but didnt show much development.

WhatILivefoR · 12-12-2005, 06:00 PM

TojesDolan- The second stanza (and occasional other places) is suffering from over-adjective use. It’s not terrible, but could be worked on. Also I don’t like the word crimson in general. However I like the fourth stanza; going from eyes to arms to hands to mouths (swallows us all). Mystify is spelled wrong in the last line of the 6th stanza. 2

LittleJohn- This didn’t seem to move along very much, even with the symbols of the different seasons. My advice to you to make this better is to expand on something. Expand on a symbol or theme; make it more in depth and fresh. Right now the over-all theme not very unique, but there is potential. For example: you could develop the story behind the comfort that the breeze gave you in mid-October. Also you spelled despair incorrectly in the second to last line. 6

cytoplasmicglob- Hm. I like, “Fumigated maternal foundation. Through a paternal medium.” Some parts are difficult to understand, but the style is interesting. 4

SubtleDagger- It was alright up until half-way through the second stanza; it's not up to the quality of the rest. This may sound really picky and particular, but I think the adjective-noun form that you repeat for the end of those two lines (cryptic words. opaque heart.) is lacking variation, and deters the flow. I don't know if that makes any sense. The ending wraps it up, but it definitely could be better. In general, I felt like I had read it all before. Still, it's better than some of the others. 3

WhatILiveFor- Way to not think of a decent title, champ. I guess that one will stick.

Muse_- I’m having a hard time figuring out why I don’t really like this. There are a few good lines. I guess I don’t feel as though anything happened at all during this piece. Maybe the abrupt feeling is what you were looking for, but it doesn’t work for me. 5

schwypees- The child/guile rhyme has to go. In general, I think rhyming should be discreet when it comes to the flow of a piece. It cannot be a roadblock, or it will sound like one. I would also work on variation in the first words of each line. For instance, in the 5th stanza, “Because” begins two lines in a row. Forms of “You” are also rampant throughout. Also, in some places you need, “you’re” and not, “your”. In all, a bit juvenile. 7

ATC- I like the personality that this piece has. The ending of the first stanza is good, “another evergreen invited to yet another party without a curfew, sap-drenched soliloquies not withstanding…” By the way, “Soliloquies” is spelled incorrectly. 1

WarLust- The lines “I know my fate that is to be devoured/have no power” are worded oddly. I guess the ending line makes sense, but it’s not a strong finish. I’m pretty sure that everyone has no choice but to perceive pretty much everything. Perceive just means to recognize and identify. It’s apparent that that word is only used because it rhymes with ‘believe’. There are a couple typos throughout. 8

cytoplasmicglob · 12-13-2005, 08:29 PM

TojesDolan
LittleJohn
cytoplasmicglob
SubtleDagger
WhatILiveFor
Muse_
schwypees
ATC
WarLust

ATC · 12-15-2005, 11:08 PM

TojesDolan- 2 . I love the way you've improved.
LittleJohn - 1 . Awesome. Beginning was a little weak though.
cytoplasmicglob - 8. I just went wtf here. I might decide this is just genius in a few reads though.
SubtleDagger- 4 . I'd cut stanza 2 if I were you.
WhatILiveFor - 5. Breathless.
Muse_ - 6. Solid song.
schwypees - 3. I enjoyed how you worked this. Its not often a song about a hungry polar bear is written.
ATC - Me.
WarLust - 7. Cool.

Its probably the first challenge where no one submitted a bad piece.

schwypees · 12-16-2005, 09:25 PM

TojesDolan – 3 – I think this song is good, with potential to be great but the wordiness of it is dragging it down. A little too choppy to be higher than the 3 slot. Nice piece, though.

LittleJohn – 2 - I love the imagery and the rhyming pattern. Last two lines are fantastic.

cytoplasmicglob – 8 - This is going to seem odd, coming from me, but this piece was kind of juvenile to me. I know, I know, mines about a polar bear. I don’t hate it, but it’s just kind of bland. By process of elimination, you’re the 8 guy.

SubtleDagger – 1 – Great piece, I especially loved the last stanza. Not much else to say.

WhatILiveFor – 6 – Decent piece, but it doesn’t really keep my focus. Rhyme comes in random bursts – not that you need to rhyme or anything but you get a series of rhymes going and then you break that pattern for a few lines, etc.

Muse_ - 5 – I loved the beginning of this piece. If you could’ve kept that up, it would have been for sure my number one. However, you kind of lost the feel of it at “Kiss me…” Great job, though.

ATC – 4 – I like the feeling from this piece, but the words just don’t flow for me. Its certainly good, but it didn’t do anything special for me.

WarLust – 7 - A little too inconsistent with rhyming. Makes me think of the recycled dark garbage that keeps going through this site. Its not terrible, but I feel like you’re writing to yourself as opposed to a reader/listener.

12-17-2005, 05:51 AM

TojesDolan - 4th
LittleJohn - 5th
cytoplasmicglob - 3rd
WhatILiveFor - 1st
Muse_ - 2nd
schwypees - 6th
ATC - 7th
WarLust - 8th

Tell me in replies if you need a crit.

12-10-2005, 07:58 PM	#1
SubtleDagger Guest Posts: n/a	Challenge 99 - Voting TojesDolan LittleJohn cytoplasmicglob SubtleDagger WhatILiveFor Muse_ schwypees ATC WarLust Tonight we're going voting like it's challenge 99. /keyboard

12-10-2005, 08:29 PM	#2
Littlejohn cash money Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Avon, IN Posts: 990	I apologize for some of the really short crits, but a lot of you are too far ahead in experience for me to really help you anyway.. TojesDolan LittleJohn- Do you know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in France? cytoplasmicglob- You're SO weird, however I remember back when I used to do these challenges often and you were weird AND bad. Sadly, I loved this piece. Probably because I can relate to it... SubtleDagger - Amazing. I loved "And all I...beat for you". Also, the "sand" to "shifting second" relation was ace. The only line that I didn't find amazing was "As sure as crimson turned to black" because it seems like filler to me. WhatILiveFor- Muse - the first stanza is iffy. I mean I like what you are saying, but it seems soft and then harsh and then soft again. Damnation and hell seem to be a little too severe for the softness of the rest of the stanza. However I really like the piece as a whole. "I’m in the winter of my guilt now" - That is great. schwypees ATC WarLust 1 SubtleDagger 2 ATC 3 TojesDolan 4 WhatILiveFor 5 Muse_ 6 cytoplasmicglob 7 schwypees 8 WarLust I just wanted to get these in. I have the flu like woah. Coincidentally my piece was about how much I hate winter...I think it got revenge. Oh well, I plan on getting back to this and critting the rest of ya, but honestly I probably won't. Last edited by Littlejohn; 12-17-2005 at 08:42 PM.

12-10-2005, 09:40 PM	#3
pixiesfanyo huffing & puffing Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: idyllwild, ca Posts: 17,787	Hey. Subtle. You suck. Voting shouldn't start until the end of saturday.
	Digging: Do Make Say Think - Other Truths

12-10-2005, 10:16 PM	#5
pixiesfanyo huffing & puffing Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: idyllwild, ca Posts: 17,787	meh. i can't finish.
	Digging: Do Make Say Think - Other Truths

12-10-2005, 10:50 PM	#6
*TojesDolan* ‪ Moderator Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 28,237	x TojesDolan - You're waaaaaay too sexy for this world. Sorry man. 4 LittleJohn - The seasons thing was OK, but nothing That was trully the sh¡t. On the brighter side, I think you're on the right path with vocabulary and what not. The middle stanza was amazing. 5 cytoplasmicglob - The post-modernistic ramblings were alright, the sense and feeling overall is nice, indeed. But for some reason it doesn't really hit me. Probably it was my more more romantic mood. It seems overly mechanic. 2 SubtleDagger - You know how I feel about it. It's good, but not the breath-taking usual Burt. It lacked a little, considering it's your material. 6 WhatIlivefoR - Remember that separating the stanzas makes it easier for the reader. However, the story-like flow is interesting. 3 Muse_ - Great flow, although it's short. Your regular writing. 7 schwypees - Great start but dies out quickly due to the abuse of rhyme, and being a little dull. Good start, though. 1 ATC - I really enjoyed it. Comments in your thread. 8 WarLust - Good wording but seems a bit too generic. Keep working, though. Last edited by TojesDolan; 12-12-2005 at 04:29 PM.
	Digging: Giant Squid - The Ichthyologist

12-10-2005, 10:15 PM	#4
SubtleDagger Guest Posts: n/a	Did you want to enter?

12-11-2005, 02:15 PM	#7
RunAmokRampant Planeteer 4 life Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Melbourne, Australia Posts: 4,463	TojesDolan 3 LittleJohn 5 cytoplasmicglob 9 SubtleDagger 1 WhatILiveFor 6 Muse_ 4 schwypees 8 ATC 2 WarLust 7 If you want a crit just ask and I'll do my best to answer Last edited by RunAmokRampant; 12-18-2005 at 12:34 AM.
	Digging: Daitro - Y

12-12-2005, 01:33 PM	#8
Muse_ musics Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: A State of Denial Posts: 4,246	TojesDolan-3 I liked this piece for its language, but the flying lambs distracted me a bit too much. You've put a lot of great content into this piece, and the imagery is beautiful. LittleJohn-1 This is more of a free verse poem than a song, but so much of what we post here is. Your piece is William Carlos Williams meets Barry Manilow. Pleasant and open to interpretation. Good job. cytoplasmicglob- 5 Excellent content and thought behind this, but it was a little too choppy, even for a choppy styled piece. The last thought of sacraficing to save cash was great as well. SubtleDagger-4 Great piece. I put a more detailed piece in your other thread. WhatILiveFor- 6 This one read like a gimongous run-on sentence. You've got great ideas, but the presentation was too rough. Muse_-Best thing since sliced bread. schwypees-Some great content, I didn't know where you were going with the whole Polar bear thing thrown into the title and the end. ATC-2 Excellent. I really enjoyed this. Not too much to crit here. WarLust.-7Meh, this was a rather simple song to me. It doesn't seem like you've put a lot into it. It was shallow and lyrics for the sake of lyrics for me. Last edited by Muse_; 12-13-2005 at 05:48 PM.

12-12-2005, 02:42 PM	#9
xKONRADx The Chosen Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Fûck Feûdalism Posts: 1,876	1-TojesDolan awesome. i love it. 7-LittleJohn meh. didnt really get a good vibe. 5-cytoplasmicglob as expected, wtf. i didnt like the placement of some imagery, but other parts were pretty sweet. 2-SubtleDagger so fresh and so clean. 6-WhatILiveFor i liked the flow. some imagery/phrasing seemed off (the part in perenthesis) 4-Muse_ some lines were great (warm my hands on damnation) but the attutude didnt impress me. 9-schwypees the first verse was impressive, but then the forced rhymes got old 3-ATC first and last verses were perfect. the middle one seemed off. i didnt like the second one. you didnt set up your thoughts before you went into them like the other verses. 8-WarLust topically i didnt like it. your writing wasnt bad, but didnt show much development. Last edited by xKONRADx; 12-12-2005 at 02:55 PM.

12-12-2005, 06:00 PM	#10
WhatILivefoR Sciolist Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 226	TojesDolan- The second stanza (and occasional other places) is suffering from over-adjective use. It’s not terrible, but could be worked on. Also I don’t like the word crimson in general. However I like the fourth stanza; going from eyes to arms to hands to mouths (swallows us all). Mystify is spelled wrong in the last line of the 6th stanza. 2 LittleJohn- This didn’t seem to move along very much, even with the symbols of the different seasons. My advice to you to make this better is to expand on something. Expand on a symbol or theme; make it more in depth and fresh. Right now the over-all theme not very unique, but there is potential. For example: you could develop the story behind the comfort that the breeze gave you in mid-October. Also you spelled despair incorrectly in the second to last line. 6 cytoplasmicglob- Hm. I like, “Fumigated maternal foundation. Through a paternal medium.” Some parts are difficult to understand, but the style is interesting. 4 SubtleDagger- It was alright up until half-way through the second stanza; it's not up to the quality of the rest. This may sound really picky and particular, but I think the adjective-noun form that you repeat for the end of those two lines (cryptic words. opaque heart.) is lacking variation, and deters the flow. I don't know if that makes any sense. The ending wraps it up, but it definitely could be better. In general, I felt like I had read it all before. Still, it's better than some of the others. 3 WhatILiveFor- Way to not think of a decent title, champ. I guess that one will stick. Muse_- I’m having a hard time figuring out why I don’t really like this. There are a few good lines. I guess I don’t feel as though anything happened at all during this piece. Maybe the abrupt feeling is what you were looking for, but it doesn’t work for me. 5 schwypees- The child/guile rhyme has to go. In general, I think rhyming should be discreet when it comes to the flow of a piece. It cannot be a roadblock, or it will sound like one. I would also work on variation in the first words of each line. For instance, in the 5th stanza, “Because” begins two lines in a row. Forms of “You” are also rampant throughout. Also, in some places you need, “you’re” and not, “your”. In all, a bit juvenile. 7 ATC- I like the personality that this piece has. The ending of the first stanza is good, “another evergreen invited to yet another party without a curfew, sap-drenched soliloquies not withstanding…” By the way, “Soliloquies” is spelled incorrectly. 1 WarLust- The lines “I know my fate that is to be devoured/have no power” are worded oddly. I guess the ending line makes sense, but it’s not a strong finish. I’m pretty sure that everyone has no choice but to perceive pretty much everything. Perceive just means to recognize and identify. It’s apparent that that word is only used because it rhymes with ‘believe’. There are a couple typos throughout. 8 Last edited by WhatILivefoR; 12-12-2005 at 08:26 PM.

12-13-2005, 08:29 PM	#11
cytoplasmicglob roflcopterz Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 406	TojesDolan LittleJohn cytoplasmicglob SubtleDagger WhatILiveFor Muse_ schwypees ATC WarLust

12-15-2005, 11:08 PM	#12
ATC Thru leaves,over bridges Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 6,746	TojesDolan- 2 . I love the way you've improved. LittleJohn - 1 . Awesome. Beginning was a little weak though. cytoplasmicglob - 8. I just went wtf here. I might decide this is just genius in a few reads though. SubtleDagger- 4 . I'd cut stanza 2 if I were you. WhatILiveFor - 5. Breathless. Muse_ - 6. Solid song. schwypees - 3. I enjoyed how you worked this. Its not often a song about a hungry polar bear is written. ATC - Me. WarLust - 7. Cool. Its probably the first challenge where no one submitted a bad piece. Last edited by ATC; 12-16-2005 at 04:57 AM.

12-16-2005, 09:25 PM	#13
schwypees Registered User Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: California Posts: 61	TojesDolan – 3 – I think this song is good, with potential to be great but the wordiness of it is dragging it down. A little too choppy to be higher than the 3 slot. Nice piece, though. LittleJohn – 2 - I love the imagery and the rhyming pattern. Last two lines are fantastic. cytoplasmicglob – 8 - This is going to seem odd, coming from me, but this piece was kind of juvenile to me. I know, I know, mines about a polar bear. I don’t hate it, but it’s just kind of bland. By process of elimination, you’re the 8 guy. SubtleDagger – 1 – Great piece, I especially loved the last stanza. Not much else to say. WhatILiveFor – 6 – Decent piece, but it doesn’t really keep my focus. Rhyme comes in random bursts – not that you need to rhyme or anything but you get a series of rhymes going and then you break that pattern for a few lines, etc. Muse_ - 5 – I loved the beginning of this piece. If you could’ve kept that up, it would have been for sure my number one. However, you kind of lost the feel of it at “Kiss me…” Great job, though. ATC – 4 – I like the feeling from this piece, but the words just don’t flow for me. Its certainly good, but it didn’t do anything special for me. WarLust – 7 - A little too inconsistent with rhyming. Makes me think of the recycled dark garbage that keeps going through this site. Its not terrible, but I feel like you’re writing to yourself as opposed to a reader/listener.

12-17-2005, 05:51 AM	#14
SubtleDagger Guest Posts: n/a	TojesDolan - 4th LittleJohn - 5th cytoplasmicglob - 3rd WhatILiveFor - 1st Muse_ - 2nd schwypees - 6th ATC - 7th WarLust - 8th Tell me in replies if you need a crit.

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