Challenge 97 - Voting

[ATC]

Trick or treat?

TojesDolan
RunAmokRampant
MMPR
Dancin' Man
Bowl of Oranges
SubtleDagger
Pixiesfanyo
ATC
Silenceevolves
xKonradx
Lowridenn
Scared4Life
KeepingtheBlade
CrimsonPunk

[Scarred4Life]

TojesDolan: Hmmm.....not a bad little song but I think that the flow isn't so great. Try reading it out loud and you'll notice how some lines feel very jerky. The overall concept and imagery is good, however there is too much repetition and weak rhythm for this to shine. 6.5 Rank: 8

RunAmokRampant: I love the imagery here, its probably the best of any piece this challenge. However, the flow is really lacking. I tried to figure out how it should go, but nothing really seemed to work. It'd probably be better if some of the 'fat' was cut out from it. 7.0 Rank: 7

MMPR: This is very nice and pretty but it feels like it should be a painting, it doesnt feel like a song. The rhyming really hurts this piece, since it comes at awkward times and hurts the flow in my opinion. 7.2 Rank: 5

Dancin' Man: Ummmmm....its overly long, flow is seemingly non-existant and the concepts presented feel tired. Other than that its ok. 6.0 Rank: 13

Bowl of Oranges: I liked this one actually. It had fairly decent flow and I felt the ideas presented were solid. 7.5 Rank: 3

SubtleDagger: Pretty standard song from you and as usual it is quite good. The thing that won me over was the last stanza which I felt was beautiful. My only gripe was that the first stanza felt a bit clunky and contrived. 8.4 Rank: 1

Pixiesfanyo: Pretty good. The best line I felt was the "winter drips into your room unnoticed." The flow was a little off and some of the images were sub-par but overall it did what it was supposed to. 7.3 Rank: 4

ATC: uh yeah, tell me, what was the purpose of this piece? I was reading and trying to find some sort of unifying thought, other than randomness, and came up with nothing. On the positive side "I want to fall down the nearest rabbit hole big enough to have me whole" was a good line in my opinion. 6.1 Rank: 12

Silenceevolves: This would probably make more sense if I was drunk while reading it. Yeah...it was ok, but it had very little substance or flow. 6.3 Rank: 10

xKonradx:Pretty decent and strightforward. The flow was decent, the imagery was decent, but it lacked 'oomph.' No one line or stanza stood out as being great, it was all just fine. 7.1 Rank: 6

Lowridenn: Ok, these are supposed to be songs. How the hell are all those little descriptions worked into the song? Are they said/sung? If so, then this is one awkward song man. The structure really ruins it which is a shame because some lines were quite good. 6.4 Rank: 9

Scared4Life

KeepingtheBlade: I liked this. I felt it was quite powerful and moving. You really captured the thought you wanted to. 7.7 Rank: 2

CrimsonPunk: Very awkward overall. The flow seemed off, the images were weak and the concept was dry. 6.1 Rank: 11

[Lowridenn]

9 TojesDolan
1 RunAmokRampant
2 MMPR
8 Dancin' Man
6 Bowl of Oranges
3 SubtleDagger
7 Pixiesfanyo
5 ATC
4 Silenceevolves
11 xKonradx
X Lowridenn
10 Scared4Life
12 KeepingtheBlade
13 CrimsonPunk

Ask if you want comments.

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

Four More Years!

TojesDolan
RunAmokRampant
MMPR-teh secks
Dancin' Man
Bowl of Oranges
SubtleDagger
Pixiesfanyo
ATC
Silenceevolves
xKonradx
Lowridenn
Scared4Life
KeepingtheBlade
CrimsonPunk

[bowl of oranges]

TojesDolan - 6.1/10 - 10
RunAmokRampant - 8/10 - 4
MMPR - 8.5/10 - 1
Dancin' Man - 5.2/10 - 13
Bowl of Oranges - x
SubtleDagger - 7.8/10 - 5
Pixiesfanyo - 8.4/10 - 2
ATC - 7.5/10 - 6
Silenceevolves - 6.5/10 - 9
xKonradx - 5.4/10 - 12
Lowridenn - 8.2/10 - 3
Scared4Life - 6.7/10 - 7
KeepingtheBlade - 6.6/10 - 8
CrimsonPunk - 6/10 - 11

[RunAmokRampant]

TojesDolan 9th
You are an improving writer but still you need to open up a little more. You need to give more insight into what you're writing. I know that this may seem to be a hard thing to accomplish, but it's something that I believe that comes with time and practise and you're definitely on your way. Also I like your use of the challenge word in the line "Where the coldest stars wax along a shimmering burning moon.". Nice imagery.

MMPR 1st
I haven't seen you around much of late but this piece is pretty darned good. Well written and it gives off quite a soft tone. One of the best in this challenge.

Dancin' Man 10th
The structure kills this piece I think. The ideas that you're presenting are ok but it is written in an inconsistent manner. Next time put a little more effort structure-wise because what you write is decent.

Bowl of Oranges 13th
This is a bit bland. Need to spice it up and add a little bit of intrigue to this one. It just seems to lack vitality poetically.

SubtleDagger 6th
Not the most outstanding piece of work but its still an enjoyable piece and its a nice song. I've already commented on this and it does feel complete.

Pixiesfanyo 7th
Hmmm, there's some suspect imagery going on ("I sleep, wake and find wax dry on my chest"). You seem to use elegant language to describe something that's arguably vulgar and I must say you've done quite a convincing job.

ATC 3rd
Your title is amusing and this piece is weird. I like the interesting structure and you got some cool funky lines " want to teach my heart to beat in 13/16". It kind of reminds me of an earlier piece I had done ("three-lane") except this one is way more.. i dunno..... better in every way.

Silenceevolves 12th
I don't mind vague descriptive pieces but this feels a bit random and I really cannot connect with this on any level. This piece doesn't feel poetic at all. Just some words clunked together IMO. I mean the first verse I don't get that much but that's ok but the second verse doesn't feel linked.

xKonradx 5th
I actually liked this one. Simple yet effective, straight forward yet still had an amount of intrigue. A decent portrayal of Frankenstein. Could have spiced up the title a bit though as you make it a little too obvious in your intent but otherwise its pretty good.

Lowridenn 4th
Wow, is this a play or something. I had to read it a few times as its pretty fragmented. Not bad, it's different and I see a decent amount of effort went into this and it definitely has not gone to waste. Good show.

Scared4Life 2nd
I like this but a little variation possibly in the rhyme scheme would have made it a little more interesting. I also find that the ending was a bit anticlimatic. Don't know why but it doesn't feel complete but otherwise this was an enjoyable read.

KeepingtheBlade 8th
This was surprisingly good coming from a relatively new forum member. A decent first impression IMO. Still needs some tweaks in parts though and some of your expression is a bit strange.

CrimsonPunk 11th
This has a shocking opener. "I went to a mental hospital". Bland, bland, bland. You're supposed to start with something to instantly grab the reader's attention and this does the oppostie. Mind you, the rest of the piece was okay, not great but the first verse needs to be changed a lot.

[Crimsonpunk]

I dressed up as your father, and being the nice gal she is, your mother treated me to some sweet sweet can-day!

TojesDolan
RunAmokRampant
MMPR - 1st
Dancin' Man
Bowl of Oranges
SubtleDagger - 3rd
Pixiesfanyo
ATC - 4th
Silenceevolves
xKonradx
Lowridenn - 2nd
Scared4Life
KeepingtheBlade - 5th
CrimsonPunk

This is just the ones I enjoyed most, not the ones that were perhaps better written than others, although they were in someplaces.

[Dancin' Man]

I egged your votes.

TojesDolan 6
RunAmokRampant 10
MMPR 11
Dancin' Man x
Bowl of Oranges 13
SubtleDagger 1
Pixiesfanyo 2
ATC 9
Silenceevolves 8
xKonradx 5
Lowridenn 4
Scarred4Life 7
KeepingtheBlade 3
CrimsonPunk 12

These were better overall than usual so it was hard for me to put people so low. It's a lot easier when one person just sucks to infinity.

[TojesDolan]

I had a little grief. then I had a morning after pill.


roflerskates.
RunAmokRampant
MMPR
Dancin' Man
Bowl of Oranges
SubtleDagger
Pixiesfanyo
ATC
Silenceevolves
xKonradx
Lowridenn
Scared4Life
KeepingtheBlade
CrimsonPunk

[xKONRADx]

/dead santa

7-TojesDolan-the fourth line, and the first verse in general are somewhat weak.

5-RunAmokRampant-akwardness mingled with elegance. hmm.

4-MMPR-i like. but the 5/6/8 rhymes need to go.

9-Dancin' Man-I dont really understand how its to be read. also language is somewhat inconsistant.

10-Bowl of Oranges-like the couplet. was somewhat hard to connect with.

3-SubtleDagger-nice, but you usually are a harder hitter.

2-Pixiesfanyo-yummy.

1-ATC-**** you i love this.

12-Silenceevolves-familiar experience. dont like the side effects though.

x-xKonradx-peasant

11-Lowridenn-i guess you make up for all those short ones. with somehting so long its harder to visualize as a complete piece.

8-Scared4Life-If you wanna hit, you gotta end with a bang. as for this, its much harder to do when the title is so good.

6-KeepingtheBlade-like parts. indifferent to parts.

13-CrimsonPunk-the first half isnt so great. but the second half compensates.

[KeepingTheBlade]

TojesDolan - A straight forward piece. A bright part of this piece were the simple metaphors that although fairly obvious, it showed a certain depth to it. but getting into the third stanza.. I could tell that you were going for something emotional and meaningful but the words weren't very inspiring to get that idea across. 6.0 / 6

RunAmokRampant - This was somewhat vague. I read it through a few times and it was difficult grasp an idea fully because the metaphors seemed to jump around at times. Some kind of envy and resolution that wasn't entirely too clear to me because of the shakiness in the piece. 5.6 / 7

MMPR - There were some beautiful ideas in this piece that were also very clever, especially in the second verse. It left colorful images in the reader's mind of a descriptive life and the renewal of tomorrow. 6.8 / 5

Dancin' Man - I'm not sure if this was a joke but it was very lackluster. The very premise of the style that you decided to write in restricted you and the piece from the beginning. And I wasn't sure if the mispellings were a play on words or on purpose but that really hurt your entry a lot also. It was straight forward for the most part. The use of descriptions were apparent and to me it seemed like an amalgam of reality and fantasy in some parts for the sake of describing this life that was endured which was somewhat of a plus. 3.0 / 13

Bowl of Oranges - Very get to it. It lacks a lot of needed emotion. Otherwise it just seems like a mundane rant of a pompous man's thoughts and ideaation. 5.0 / 12

SubtleDagger - good imagery. paints an image in every line vividly. 7.0 / 3

Pixiesfanyo - To me, this was a beautiful use of wording and imagery. You captured a moment with the right words. 7.3 / 1

ATC - THe beauty in this is in it's meaning. Somewhat of a revelation and wishes limited by reality. Atleast to me.. 7.2 / 2

Silenceevolves - The words inspire a lack of depth. A memory recalled that really was contrived something mediocre. 5.2 / 11

xKonradx - It spent a lot of time describing a lot of what was around,, the enviroment of the situation, Which was done fairly well. but i felt like it didn't really strike me much on definition. 5.4 / 9

Lowridenn - This was written very well. Some of the wording was very inspiring. But the structure, though unique, was some what of a it's downfall. 6.9 / 4

Scared4Life - This was somewhat of an ambivalence. Some of what was contrived was done well but the rhymes seemed very forced and at times.. it seemed like it was done just for the sake of rhyming, making it shallow. 5.5 / 8

CrimsonPunk - Straight forward. The words used seemed very stale making it seem more superficial then what it was(mainly the first stanza). But some of the third stanza brought a little much needed life into this. 5.3 / 10

[silenceevolves]

8 TojesDolan
9 RunAmokRampant
3 MMPR
12 Dancin' Man
7 Bowl of Oranges
4 SubtleDagger
2 Pixiesfanyo
5 ATC
x Silenceevolves
6 xKonradx
11 Lowridenn
1 Scared4Life
10 KeepingtheBlade
13 CrimsonPunk

TojesDolan - Grammar issues cripple most of the piece. You use words that are overly redundant more than once. The imagery is alright but the style is just off.
7th

RunAmokRampant - Majorly clunky flow. It sounds like you're stumbling over your own syllables here. I also tend to dislike pieces with condescending tones, just because the whole mood grows old by a few lines.
8th

MMPR - Good ideas. The rhyming however is just atrocious. I can't stand it. I really feel like it brings down the entire piece. Still, this is pretty good.
6th

Dancin' Man - Well... it's pretty bad. Every metaphor feels heavy-handed and clumsy as all hell. You also rhymed "dungeon" with "luncheon". That's just grasping for straws.
9th

bowl of oranges - More condescending stuff. This is better than the other one, though. Good contrasts and ideas for the most part.
5th

pixiesfanyo - Really good. Second stanza has a few things I dislike by mere preference but aside from that it's good.
2nd

ATC - Horrible title. Actually, I'll go ahead and say this is the worst piece I've seen from you in a while. Lots of go-nowhere ambiguous references and bad turns of phrase. Yuck.
12th

silenceevolves - Same crit as ATC's piece, except the turns of phrase are gone and replaced by defunct metaphors. I honestly feel absolutely nothing from reading it.
11th

xKONRADx - I like this, aside from the stupid "master (Castor)" garbage. The rest is, uh... a good song about Frankenstein.
3rd

Lowridden - Overblown and unnecessary. I pretty much dislike the entire format, it's just not anything approaching clever to me. And it basically ruins the entire piece.
13th

Scarred4Life - This is the best entry. Really really good. I have no issues with it.
1st

KeepingtheBlade - A few grammar issues, but it's pretty good and shows promise.
4th

Crimsonpunk - The first half of this is grammatically unsound, meaning that it simply does not make sense because you use words wrong. The rest isn't so hot. So it's low on my list.
10th

[pixiesfanyo]

TojesDolan - 9
RunAmokRampant - 6
MMPR - 13
Dancin' Man - 10
Bowl of Oranges - 5
SubtleDagger - 2
ATC - 4
Silenceevolves - 7
xKonradx - 8
Lowridenn - 11
Scared4Life - 1
KeepingtheBlade - 3
CrimsonPunk - 12

[ATC]

TojesDoLan- 9. It shows a lot of improvement. This has potential but its still a wee bit too straightforward for me.
RunAmokRampant - 4. Its still a wee bit clunky, but oh so elegant, and the last section is superawesome.
MMPR - 1 . Quite easily.
Dancin' Man - 10. It's a good attempt at rap, but it was way too choppy. I saw this on the S&L section. I'll try and do this in detail there. I'm trying to do something similar so it should be useful. ps: dungeon/luncheon is the biggest no-no on the planet. You follow it up good for a bit after and lose it again.
Bowl of Oranges - 11. I did like this, but it just didnt have enough meat. The ending is awesome though and felt wasted on the topic.
SubtleDagger - 9. Eh.
Pixiesfanyo - 2 . I love this. Makes it sound deliciously vulgar.
ATC -
Silenceevolves - 8. Kid, your cigarette's on fire is an awesome line. That just did it for me.
xKonradx - 7. Dude, another one with a libretto feel. Or maybe I'm just thinking that because that was my assignment last week. I dont get the band reference, but its cool. I'd take out the Castor though. I don't know what that's a reference to.
Lowridenn - 6. I like this. I had to combat some ADD to get through it, but I liked it. Its got the libretto feel you were probably looking for.
Scared4Life - 5. Good job. The title doesn't do it for me, but the sections in italics and the verses are pure gold. Bridge/ending is a little off for me, but yea.
KeepingtheBlade - 3.
CrimsonPunk - 12

[xKONRADx]

Closed?