Challenge 94 "Thrush" - Voting

RunAmokRampant
silenceevolves
Disco Dragon
EmergencyRoom
DFelon204409
TojesDolan
czGLoRy
-1down!-
OutlawGene
Crimsonpunk
SubtleDagger
one_beloved_curse
Bigbadbob

Good songs for the most part. d0ped0g's song is DQ'd for not using the word.

(This just in: rhyming or following "thrush" with "hush" is not clever.)

[Bigbadbob]

Naaah...this ones for the birds

RunAmokRampant
silenceevolves
Disco Dragon
EmergencyRoom
DFelon204409
TojesDolan
czGLoRy
-1down!-
OutlawGene
Crimsonpunk
SubtleDagger
one_beloved_curse
Bigbadbob

[EmergencyRoom]

RunAmokRampant-6

I like the flashback ideas and the narrative style of this one. Thrush is used in an interesting way that is pretty nice too. The plainness of the language suits the style of your piece for the most part, but some well placed imagery would have added colour to the picture that your words paint.

silenceevolves-4

You manage to make a well worn subject seem fresh.The language is well thought out and the imagery is vivid. The rhythm and flow of the piece lacks a little and could be improved upon by trimming some lof the lines and addition of commas in certain places to mark pauses.

Disco Dragon-8

I usually like your writing but i didn't enjoy this one.The ideas seemed al ittle muddled in places and certain parts didn't flow very well, especially the end four lines. The use of "thrush" seemed contrived, although it is a hard word to fit in with originality, so thats not a major point. Some of your language was nice and fit the piece nicely, and your images, most prominently the "baggage" one, were expressive.

EmergencyRoom
It's me

DFelon204409-1

Nice flow, nice rhyme, nice images. I can say nothing againt this, especially as the challenge word is used to such good effect. You manage to make the last verse sound whispered even though it's only words on a page.

TojesDolan-9

The way you use "thrush" seems very clumsy and it looks like you had trouble building a song around it. The flow seems a little jerky although the ideas are cohesive throughout the piece. The images just don't click for me and the way you overdo the seriousness of the disease puts me off and doesn't fit with the word very well. The language is a bit generic and doesn't really bring the piece alive. Not one of your better works but i can see that has a lot to do with the difficulty of the challenge word.

czGLoRy-10

The first verse starts off well although the rhyming feels a bit forced. The use of "thrush" isn't bad and gives a "prophecy" feeling. The rest of the piece seems horribly contrived and cliched though. The chorus in particular is a really exhausted idea and doesn't rally synch with the rest of the piece

-1down!--7

This would be a nice piece if it wasn't for the pauses you put in being in seemingly random places. If the rhythm were corrected then this piece would be a lot more simple to interpret. It is a nice idea but falls short because of the way the rhythm seems "wrong" for want of a better word. I'm not going to judge on how you came to have two of the same lines as Disco Dragon in them but i don't know if the mods will allow this.

OutlawGene-11

The use of thrush isn't proper and this really doesn't help the song. As it
is, the song isn't badly written, it's just not very stand out due to the language , which could be more colourful, and the lack of original imagery.

Crimsonpunk-5

The rhythm is the first thing that stands out as it is well structured
and just keeps the poem flowing along nicely. You change the tense of the narration in the first stanza and while this isn't a big deal here, it makes a piece hard to follow. I like the imagery and your ideas. No major points against you here.

SubtleDagger-3

Like most of your stuff that i've read, it's not as immediate as other people's writing, but when you look a little deeper it's a wonderful bit of writing.
My only complaint is that certain sentences need pauses that aren't marked with commas. It detracts from the flow of this, but otherwise everything else
is near un-critiquable.

one_beloved_curse 12

Again another entry with a misuse of the challenge word. It doesn't flow well,
both in idea or in rhythm. Some of the metaphors are very cliched also.

Bigbadbob-2

I can't say anything against this. The rhyme scheme keeps it interesting and it flows exceptionally well. The images are very impressive and the onomatopoeia was effectively used. The parts in italics were my favourite parts.

When it came down to the top three pieces there was so little to choose between them technically that i based my votes mostly upon how much i enjoyed reading them. Basically, extra thumbs up for Subtle, Dfelon and BigBadBob for making life hard for me

[TojesDolan]

4RunAmokRampant Pretty much everything I said about your poem in the in-depth review remains the same. I also liked the combination of metaphoric and more common language.

7 silenceevolves It started almost weakly, but started to build up with development. Anyhow, the use of the word was well used, although I'm not sure that a pack/group of birds actually weep and cry... but whatever.

6Disco Dragon The use of the word seemed... a little rushed (and particularly strangely rhymed... hush? wtf!) The third and first stanzas are my favorites, but I don't know... it didn't keep up my attention.

5 EmergencyRoom mmm... I felt it recquired a few extra words... in the first couple lines... but up to the end it gets better. I liked how it was short and concise.

2 DFelon204409 I love the word mist... and how you used it. This is my fave so far, very well written, and the word was used in the introduction... yeah. very good.

lol

6 czGLoRy I'm not going to complain about the chorus, because it fits the overall feeling of the song, rather poppy and straight forward. Really good in that department.

9 -1down!- I see you also used the words "womb" and "tomb"... hmm... And oh my! You also used thrush and hush!! not so good, kid. Plagiariazing isn't something a lot of people enjoy.

8 OutlawGene Once again a rushed use of thrush, and the lyrics are quite simple, but they aren't bad simple, just simple.

11 CrimsonpunkI don't know. the use given to thrush fails to impress me... the rest is well... mediocre, but with good vocabulary and stuff.

1 SubtleDaggerI made already an "in-depth". Another favorite.

10 one_beloved_curse I hate times new roman
font, but anyhow... at least you could make it a little bigger. I don't really think thrush is a verb, though... The use of "b¡tch" wasn't appropiate either... I'm not too fond of this.

3 Bigbadbob mmm... confusing... yet I liked it. well, not exactly confusing. I just liked it.



EDIT3: I hope I didn't hurt any feelings with this.

[silenceevolves]

RunAmokRampant
silenceevolves
Disco Dragon
EmergencyRoom
DFelon204409
TojesDolan
czGLoRy
-1down!-

OutlawGene
"I sink deeper and deeper in the water
And I thrush until I die
And I sing until I die"
What an unproper way to use a noun. That line with thrush in it seriously makes no sense.

Crimsonpunk
SubtleDagger

one_beloved_curse
"Her Loving Heart, has Thrushed me Throughly, "
This makes almost as little sense as OutlawGene's use of the word means. Thrush is not a verb!

Bigbadbob

I've been really busy, and probably can't finish this, so I'll rank them and you can ask me if you want to know why I put you somewhere.

1. SubtleDagger
2. BigBadBob
3. Dfelon
4. EmergencyRoom
5. RunAmokRampant
6. CrimsonPunk
7. -1down-
8. DiscoDragon
9. TojesDolan
10. CZGlory
11. OutlawGene
12. One_Beloved_Curse

[-1up!-]

RunAmokRampant 3rd
Powerful. I'm have a knack for lyrics which focus more on the emotion than on the technical side (rhymes, etc) I don't know if it was your intention, but it felt that way to me; more rash, emotional, than technical, over-processed. Love it.

silenceevolves 4th
Great ending; the 2 bottom lines raised the overall value of the song, IMO. "twenty thousand dollars
of curved aluminum
crushed
like a stick of gum"
Nice imagery!

Disco Dragon 7th
Nice imagery, though ideas seem to mix up a little; it was kinda hard for me to keep focus on the lyrics' main subject. I'm a fanboy about imagery though so I'll get probably get hooked up to your style in future challenges.

EmergencyRoom 5th
Very nice, I like it alot. Many words and passages evoke the awakening, the start of a new day, well at least they did to me, in a successful way. Plus you carried out a message with shorter length than the average, so kudos to that as well.

DFelon204409 1st
...Wow. Except for the word "chips" which seems weird to me, everything else is excellent.


TojesDolan 9th
The way you included "thrush" in the lyrics seems odd to me. Other than that, I find it good, but not outstanding.

czGLoRy 10th
I found the first paragraph was great, but I got turned down with the "Tell me babe, that Your gonna love me, like you said you would, and Your gonna love me, Like you know you should" kinda turned me off. Sounded too generic IMO...



OutlawGene 11th
I'll say like the others... Using thrush as a verb probably brought your rating down. The rest of the lyrics are simple, but good.

Crimsonpunk 8th
The line "Sometimes the silence is so melancholy, I almost don't complete my journey" seems weird as a whole. Other than that, I felt the theme of loneliness stem from your words, very well put.


SubtleDagger 2nd
Large vocabulary,quite like DFelon; that's something which keeps me hot and cozy at night. I love the 2 ending lines.

one_beloved_curse 11th
.... I don't know. I found it lacked metaphors and imagery, and was too direct; "Suicide" seems too simple to me.

Bigbadbob 6th
"Ideals wither like leaves, gently falling": Brilliant. In overall, very good, and nice vocabulary as well.

[d0ped0g]

oh ****... i forgot the word.
god****it, gimme some sort of warning next time

[RunAmokRampant]

I know how you feel Dopedog its happened to me too.

silenceevolves 6th
The first stanza is little too jagged for my liking and there are some lines I find a bit silly "silent techno beat". Some of your imagery is well written and is not bad for a first attempt in the LC. I know that content is more important than flow but next time try and combine the two as I feel you neglected the flow a bit in this. Good attempt.

Disco Dragon 4th
The first stanza reminded me a lot of the character Paris from Euripides' play "The Women Of Troy". I love this line, "Memory is hanging from my rearview, Looking back is worthless". Very cool. Other than totally butchering the challenge word I liked this piece.

EmergencyRoom 5th
Smooth. Very smooth in rhythm and flow. Some good imagery I liked dotted throughout this piece. The length just perfect for a singular stanza to keep interest. Not bad at all.

DFelon204409 3rd
This is pretty good overall. I have never remembered you having a rhyming scheme like this. It's works and isn't forced except for "Sensible banter
,I found your laced bra hanging on the banister.". I'm not sure on that one but anyway I always enjoy your style of writing. Very consistent.

TojesDolan 8th
I find it interesting that you refered the reaper as "her". Intentional? Other than that, this is pretty average all round but I liked the last stanza.

czGLoRy 10th
Hmmm this is really cliche ridden "Life goes by in the blink of an eye" and simple grammatical errors hinder me from praising you for this piece. You need to revise your work to ensure you get the best out of what you've written. Feels like a first draft.

-1down!- 7th
When I read this I feel an increased tempo. I like that, you really nailed that aspect of your lyric especially in the first half. It's alright sometimes the repetitiveness gets no my nerves. "Where did we neglect, forget,
neglect to paint everything perfect?", using neglect twice seems pointless and doesn't add to the piece at all.

OutlawGene 12th
I dislike this attempt. Sounds corny and the use of the challenge word is horrible. You definitely need to practise the english language a lot more if you want to get anything out of what you write.

Crimsonpunk 9th
There are some good lines but I didn't find it too interesting. Need more hooks.

SubtleDagger 2nd
The imagery is the most vivid in this challenge but I really like the couplets the most. If they weren't included, this would've bored me a little but overall this is great.

one_beloved_curse 11th
Stick to the default font dude, it doesn't make your piece any prettier or better in fact. You really don't need to summarise your piece either, it's nothing too hard to work out after the first read.

Bigbadbob 1st
My favourite this challenge. I enjoyed this thoroughly. Good work BBB.




Done and dusted.

[Disco Dragon]

This just in....Subtle is a bag of douche.


RunAmokRampant
silenceevolves
Disco Dragon
EmergencyRoom
DFelon204409
TojesDolan
czGLoRy
-1down!-
OutlawGene
Crimsonpunk
SubtleDagger
one_beloved_curse
Bigbadbob

[DFelon204409]

RunAmokRampant - 6.8 - 1st
silenceevolves - 6.6 - 3rd
Disco Dragon - 5.4 - 7th
EmergencyRoom - 5.6 - 6th
DFelon204409 - no
TojesDolan - 4.7 - 8th
czGLoRy - 0.0 - 11th
-1up!- - 6.5 - 4th
OutlawGene - 0.7 - 10th
Crimsonpunk - 1.2 - 9th
SubtleDagger - 6.7 - 2nd
one_beloved_curse - 2.0
Bigbadbob - 6.0 - 5th

It's just one of those weeks.

[ATC]

I shall vote and bit.ch and make merry here.

[czGLoRy]

SubtleDagger
DFelon204409
RunAmokRampant
Bigbadbob
Crimsonpunk
EmergencyRoom
Disco Dragon
OutlawGene
silenceevolves
one_beloved_curse
-1down!-

Loved yours subtle it was ...subtle
And sails upon the sunset,
A thrush in thermal decadence.
Rusted screws and metal grooves,
Nails and keys and karats
love it

RunAmokRampant - 3rd
silenceevolves - 1st
Disco Dragon - 8th
EmergencyRoom - 4th
DFelon - 2nd
TojesDolan - 10th
czglory - 11th
-1down!- - 6th
OutlawGene - 9th
Crimsonpunk - 5th
onebelovedcurse - 12th
BBB - 7th