Challenge 93 "Imbue" Voting

[DFelon204409]

Small challenge. No excuse not to vote. I hope the participation rate picks up next time.

Wannabe Steve Harris
P.rocker
ATC
super_deluxe
DFelon204409
WhatILiveFor

[RunAmokRampant]

I think I'll go outta my way to vote.

Wannabe Steve Harris 5th
This is actually not bad. Well thought out verses but the chorus seems rushed and there needs to be some hooks to really grab the attention but I like the variation in chorus because for too long have people just copied and pasted choruses which I find a waste of time. They are both relevant to the story but a little more cleverness in your delivery may have payed off

P.rocker 6th
I didn't really like this very much. With love songs it's difficult to find language that is not cliche and overdone and if I think that this is no different and you've got some jarring expression too "Visit me once day like you used to" so you should proofread your work more.

ATC 2nd
I really like the language you use. It can be really simple but still be great. "If you'd ask me how I know, I wouldn't know what to say, I just do." is an example of that. You have some clever lines but unfortunately this just didn't make it to first spot.

super_deluxe 4th
This is pretty interesting, quite unconventional but the lack of variation in structure makes it a bit bland at first glance. You use language sparingly which makes the piece more vague and open. Not bad and quite clever in parts.

Dfelon 1st
I really enjoyed reading this. The ideas and language are well thought out. This is a stand out song. But I'm just wondering that about halfway through the piece you start to use "you" where the first half you didn't and used "we" and "they". Is this intended? Who is it refering to?

WhatILiveFor 3rd
Well this is different and I commend you for it. What is the fascination with ten? Maybe I'm not reading deep enough into it because I'm tired but an explanation would be nice as I'm curious and intrigued.

[WhatILivefoR]

2 Wannabe Steve Harris- This is pretty good. There are a couple of lines that don’t do it for me, but overall not bad. My favorite line is “She spoke of Evan Mathew and his splendor, how he had my smile” but for some reason when I read this to myself, I skip over the “and his splendor” part, maybe because it seems to flow better without it. Also, the choruses seem a little weak to me, but again, it depends on the music.

4 P.rocker- Sorry, I’m not usually blunt like this but I almost gagged while reading the first verse. I also don’t like the last line of the chorus. The good news: it gets a little better with the second verse. For some reason the rhyming doesn’t bother me. It just fits I guess. However, the last line seems out of place with the flow (actually you could work on the flow in a few more places). And, it’s petals, with a “t”.

3 ATC- I just don’t like the phrase “I heard you’d smiled”. Maybe if it was : “I heard you smiled” or, “I heard that you smiled” or maybe even: “I heard that you’d smiled” it would flow better, but for me it just doesn’t sound right. Besides that, it’s alright. Not my cup of tea, but with music it might yield an interesting piece.

5 super_deluxe- I reads like a poem, but I can’t see this as lyrics for a song. I mean, how do you sing “control contrl ctrl”? I understand what you’re getting at with this piece, but it doesn’t seem to have the lyrical quality of many of your other pieces.

1 DFelon204409- This is almost certainly the best on the line-up. For a moment there I thought that I might have actually had a chance this time around, but alas. Anyway, back to your piece. This is very emotional and well thought out, and the point is interestingly executed. Well done.

[Wannabe Steve Harris]

ATC - 1
WannabeSteveHarris - 2
P.Rocker - 3
Super_Deluxe - 4
DFelon204409 - 5
WhatILiveFor - 6

[P.rocker]

P.Rocker (yeah I voted for myself so what..!)
WannabeSteveHarris
Super_Deluxe
ATC
DFelon204409
WhatILiveFor

[DFelon204409]

Wannabe Steve Harris - 3.2 - This is far too boring and trite of a subject to be written so prosaically. If you want to make a storyline lyric, you should combine a story that is original (yours is old news) and make the details of it exciting enough, or the language with which you convey those details exciting enough that you inspire the reader to follow the story (which you definitely haven't done). It's all rather boring and uninspired.

P.rocker - 4.0 - Must you speak like Yoda though simplicity is the nature of your language, hmmm?? Also, your grammar suck sometimes throughout these poem. P.S. It's not sweet. I don't like Nutra-Sweet crap. How about you write with some passion that ain't contrived.

ATC - 6.0 - This has a curious flavor and though it seems slopped together and goofy at times, I much prefer it to the lyrics I've read so far. The two prior ones attempt some lovey-dovey crap in a hackneyed way, but yours self-deprecates as much as it fawns, which is a nice change of pace. It is an oddball, so it isn't rounded and sparkling, but it's certainly better than the other crap I've read so far.

super_deluxe - 6.2 - I know you don't fancy the likes of Dillinger Escape Plan, so I was interested to see such a jutting and funky composition. I am partial to literary wankery and I feel that it's rather unecessary here but isn't negative. It's just sort of hanging out. I'm more concerned in the subtext of this pacing. I feel that you don't say much until the ending, which is pretty clutch, but not enough to save the whole thing. I'm not just going to let you sucker me in with awesome endings all the time. Once is enough.

DFelon204409 - It's me.

WhatILiveFor - 5.5 - I like properly done metaphysical poetry. This is not properly done metaphysical poetry. It's unique, I'll give you that, but apprently this uniqueness was lifted from A Perfect Kiss, which is the third worst band name ever behind BEDlight for blueEYES and Powderfinger. Uhh, usually when you get an idea going, you either really juice all of the possibilities and then incorporate twists on the initial perception, or you use it as a springboard for other ideas/metaphors. You don't do that. You hang out around those ten annoying fingers the whole time. You're definitely middle of the pack in terms of this bunch, but don't consider this poem very good. You need to either let go of the digits or actually make them interesting.

Rankings
1. superdeluxe
2. addicted to chaos
3. What I Live For
4. P. Rocker
5. Wannabe Steve Harris

[super deluxe]

Wannabe Steve Harris-5
P.rocker-4
ATC-3
super_deluxe
DFelon204409-1
WhatILiveFor-2

[Disco Dragon]

#3 - Wannabe Steve Harris – This is certainly not the first time that a song has been written about a father leaving his son, we all know that story. But you actually did a pretty decent job of not making it go over-the-top with corniness. And for that, I admire this song. But it does feel like, at times, you try to stretch the vocabulary too far to describe the situation that you’re put in. It actually feels unnatural reading it. Not all the time, mind you, only in some select spots. The chorus is simply not needed, in my view. It asks too many rhetorical questions that, more than anything, restrict the continuity that this song could have had. Still, I liked how you brought the story around full-circle with you being put into the same situation as your father was, but choosing a different option than he did. You did it without it being too contrived.

#5 - P.rocker – A song of remembrance. Refreshing? Not necessarily. But it was an interesting little twist to have it be you who died instead of your loved one. It makes it somewhat more appealing to read it through the eyes of the “deceased.” Although, it seems like it took you too long to get into the meat of the song. I didn’t have a clue as to what the song was about until you hit the chorus. The first verse was mostly fluff, with whiny angst dripping off of the text. Just nothing of interest. But the last verse was pretty decent, being saved mostly from the dead perspective thing you had going. Last line was bordering on teen angst though.

#4 - ATC – Another song dealing with death…how unusual for that to happen in a challenge. (/Sarcasm.) This one was much less obvious than the previous song, in a good way. Some of it seemed pretty random, and possibly too personal for a general reader/listener to understand. I really liked the “playing tag with invisible monsters”; that was a cool metaphor. All in all, this had it’s shining moments, but it doesn’t really resonate immensely with me.

#6 - super_deluxe – Keyboard lingo? Oddly discernible metaphors? Well, you always have a unique take to writing, and you didn’t fail to live up to that reputation here. I’ll be honest though, this seems too choppy. Each verse sounds more technical than the last, and to me, that never makes for a good song. I realize that was more than likely the approach you were going for, but in all honesty, it just bored me for the most part. Some lines intrigued me, but never much beyond that. Kudos on incorporating a previous challenge word though.

#1 - DFelon204409 – Superb. Su-fucking-perb. DFelon, I’ve been around here for a lot of challenges, so I’ve had the pleasure of reading a lot of your work. But I think this is one of the best you’ve written. If anybody wants to contest that, look no further than these lines: “The more I make myself available/The more I tend to push her into oncoming traffic.” I feel the hurt in those words. And that’s something that has been seriously lacking from these challenges: feeling. Plain and simple, I felt the emotions you were writing about as I was reading it, and that is the most important thing a songwriter can do. Even if the idea isn’t incredibly original, the sentiment more than makes up for it. (This is the exact opposite of super_d’s in that respect.) I’m not trying to be a kiss ***, but I really just loved this song.

#2 - WhatILiveFor – Wow, I’ve never seen somebody stretch a single metaphor for the entire length of song, and make it not suck. I was initially drawn in by the grisly image of the first stanza, but you kept me interested throughout. But I think you could’ve toned down the use of the word “digits”, because that word seems too technical to be used in the context of the song. I think you did a solid job of giving us the “blame everyone except myself” mentality that these hands possess. My biggest qualm is the ending. I’ve noticed that a lot of people can write great, borderline genius songs, and then are able to ruin it completely with the ending. Although you didn’t completely ruin it, it still made it pretty anti-climatic.

[ATC]

Wannabe Steve Harris- 2. You make a good storyteller and this will turn out a decent song, methinks.
P.Rocker- 3. It's petals, not pedals. You're barely getting my interest with this one.
ATC- 'Tis only me.
Super D- 5. What went wrong here? I understood what you were getting at, but you buried the point under layers of undilated mysteries. ohhh The problem is that you're neither at a very accessible place or at that powerful place with this one.
DFelon- 1 . This is fcuking brilliant from line 13. The parts before I feel like I've read them before/ emo-hardcore lyrics. But sweet Mother of God, I loved the good parts.
WhatILiveFor- 4. Flashes of brilliance but the metaphor and delivery bore me.

[silenceevolves]

Wannabe Steve Harris (4th) - wow, that's really long. i like the variation between your two choruses, but i don't like the choruses themselves if you see what i'm saying. they feel, weak compared to the verses. the verses themselves were fairly well written, though long winded and slightly cliche at parts. overall, it wasn't bad at all. i just don't see why it had to be so long.

P.rocker (6th) - i don't really see how i can say this that well, so i'll just say that i completely despise your chorus. your verses, though slightly better, were really poor as well. i just feel i've seen this song a million times before.

ATC (2nd) - written really well. i liked the (unless i'm cremated) you stuck it. made me chuckle. best one thus far, not really much to complain about really.

super_deluxe (5th) - i kind of liked it, but it was just too... vague (pointless? nerdy?). it just didn't really have any effect on me.

DFelon204409 (1st) - "Sometimes I think the more I make myself available,
The more I tend to push her into oncoming traffic." great. the ending was even better. really well written overall.

WhatILiveFor (3rd) - it was well-written, but i don't like the way your voice sounds in it. it just struck me as having a really bored tone and i didn't like that. still a good piece though.