Challenge 91 - Voting

just a statistic
Disco Dragon
Nath™
A_Perfect_Sonnet
bisnotch
addicted_tochaos
bowl of oranges
Scarred4Life
WhatILiveFor
zer0gauge
Bigbadbob
SubtleDagger
Grey_Francis
MomentoMori

My song was about Days Of Our Lives, and therefore you should immediately vote for it if you are a bored housewife (and also give me sex).

just a statistic of AIDS - Not enough focus, structure is nonsensical in places, ideas are decent enough.
5th

Disco Dumbass - None of this is of any coherence to me and whenever you rhyme it makes me cringe. Also, "kitchy"? And seriously, every line just makes me wonder why the hell someone would write it down.
11th

Nath (now with lame registered trademark symbol) - Some of the rhymes honestly feel forced. I know most wouldn't say "pine/confine" is forced, but it feels that way. It seems like you just go out of your way with the song to make things rhyme when it's simply not necessary. The last line made my soul cry in torment, but not really because I have no soul just an empty void of black despair and stuff.
7th

A_Smurfette_Bonnet - "Panning for GOLD". You basically utterly ruined the point here by getting the word wrong the first time. The last two lines blow ungodly amounts. I really wish you'd use a farking rhythm instead of just sort of really long sentences and some random syllable counts. Aside from that, most of the imagery and metaphors are good. BUT I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS
2nd

sasquatch - This song has been written approximately 98798730197097509 times. There are cave paintings of reviews for this song, but I think I'll go back to William Shakespeare's classic review:

"Thy song hast bountiful cliches--
Thou hath thrust upon mine eyes
Thy sheer innumerable amounts of
Thy overdone emo garbage.
Perchance thou shalst writ
Sonnets of novetly and grace
And get rid of all your stupid ****ing
Cliches already. I mean ****."
-Macbeth

Anyway. Yeah.
10th

addicted_tocrayons - It's OK. Too short. And it just doesn't DO it for me. Or do it to me for that matter.
4th

roll of door hinges - Doesn't say anything worth note. Calling anyone "my sweet" in a song is pretty bad, almost as bad as using thy and thou and all that like that Shakespeare fag. Anyway, the song doesn't do anything, so there's nothing worth noting.
6th

Scurred4Life - Good, except the last line which is supposed to be all great and wow and spectacular is a rhythm killer. Good enough though. That'll do, pig.
1st

WhatIGiveYour(Butt) - Calm down with the goddamn semicolons. I love them as much as the next guy, but just calm down, they're all over the place along with misused commas. Aside from that and some bad structure in places, it's decent.
3rd

zer0kewl - What? Too many lines that have been used a million times by other people. And plus the whole message is just sort of lost on me.
8th

Bigbadboob - I just really don't like the rhyming. And plus this is like the millionth song written about consumerism so I can't get into it much.
9th

SubtleDagger - Writes songs about daytime TV, and still rules.

Gay_Fagcis - Um, OK. Rhymes suck, song doesn't go anywhere, structure is useless.
12th

MomentofMaurey(Povich) - You spelled "wreathe" wrong. I think there should be a penalty for that so I put you in last. Hahaha, just kidding. I put you near last though. But that's because the song is boring.
13th

MAN THIS CHALLENGE SUCKED

[ATC]

Just a statistic- I think I read this in the S&L section. I liked it better then. You've got some good ideas, but you don't express them as well as you could. The black/white theme. Your second verse could use
a little work. I'd think twice before I use words like 'bleed' in an unsuitable context. 8

Disco D- There's nothing I can say here that you don't already know. 12

Nath - I'm conflicted here. Half of each verse is really pretty dam'ned good. The other half seems like you tried too hard. Relax with the structure. Split some of your lines into two. I'm tempted to give you a long critique since this could use one more than the others. I'll edit it in later. I like the ending, despite what people might call the cliche sap involved. It'll go down really well with the people you wrote this for. 7

APS- There's about two different songs here. It's pretty good once it takes a breath to collect the thoughts. I don't think you're even looking for rythm here so yea. Some of the imagery is really good, but 'pyrite'?
No. Let's not ruin what should have been a killer ending. Tragic. 6

Bisnotch- OWW. You ruined it by just saying Bicuspid. Tres emo. So emo it hurts my eyes. 9

ATC- Moi. Maui.

Bowl of O- What am I supposed to look for here? Can't relate. Not at all. 10

Scarred4Life- Melikes. The first piece I've liked this challenge. 1

WhatILiveFor- Melikes as well. 4

Zerogauge- Hehe, you made a song out of song titles? Is that it? 11

TripleB- Nice work. Nothing much wrong here. 2

SubtleDagger- I'm concerned about you. Why have you been watching daytime TV enough to write a song about it? Bad way to end the second verse/chorus, but the rest doesn't suffer. 3

GreyFrancis- I've ended up liking this. Good for a first-timer. Welcome. 5

MomentoMori- No. Bad writing. Unoriginal take on an overdone topic. 13






My song was not about soap operas so you should immediately vote for it and give me money (which is better than sex..Omg I'm a whore ) if you're not a bored housewife. All of those can vote for the green ghey guy above this post. I don't care.
PS: I love the green ghey guy cos he's the first person on MX ever to not use Mexican food in any form in conjunction with my username in a post. Crayons > Nachos

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

13 - Zer0gauge
12 - MomentoMori
11 - Grey Francis
10 - Nath
9 - Disco Dragon
8 - Just A Statistic
7 - BigBadBob
6 - Bisnotch
5 - WhatILiveFor
4 - Bowl Of Oranges
3 - Addictedto Chaos
2 - SubtleDagger
1 - Scarred4Life

[bisnotch]

just a statistic-go masturbate to simple plan
Disco Dragon-this reminds me of acid or LSD or some sort of hallucinogen.
Nath™-ew
A_Perfect_Sonnet-only one I liked in this challenge
bisnotch-poo
addicted_tochaos-no me gusta at all
bowl of oranges-Wouldnt it be funny if you were actually APS?
Scarred4Life-kind of... choppy... like this...
WhatILiveFor-didnt feel like reading it all
zer0gauge-The only reason I read it was because i saw it said Wendy's and I was hungry
Bigbadbob-I hate rhyming
SubtleDagger-the fact that you watch soap operas shows you have no life.
Grey_Francis-urine
MomentoMori-fecal matter

just a statistic-5
Disco Dragon-1
Nath™-12
A_Perfect_Sonnet-2
bisnotch-
addicted_tochaos-11
bowl of oranges-3
Scarred4Life-10
WhatILiveFor-4
zer0gauge-6
Bigbadbob-7
SubtleDagger-13
Grey_Francis-8
MomentoMori-9

[just a statistic]

just a statistic - has the shakes so might spell incorrectly.
note: My piece is about a person i know and about the personal struggle she is going through. Observations on how she expresses herself through different ways; her art and music mainly.

Disco Dragon - one word: Chaotic, and indeed very clever, spelling clever wrong:P

Nath™ - dug the grave, I built the frame.

I saw the coffin fall below.

I shed the tears, I spoke the name.

I died inside so long ago.
That was a bit cliche really, very Ben Johnson.
But i liked the piece, in places forced rhyme and thats it

A_Perfect_Sonnet - nice work

bisnotch - there is a very big difference between R.E.M and nightmares but lets not go into that, i agree with subtle has been done about 9.9 x 10^89 times, and i'm gonna leave it at that.

addicted_tochaos - maybe a bit more detail

bowl of oranges -
Scarred4Life
WhatILiveFor
zer0gauge
Bigbadbob
SubtleDagger
Grey_Francis
MomentoMori - mogguh daaf. sorry dude, I like it but i've seen better work from you mate, a lot better.

[Bigbadbob]

6… just a statistic Hard for a reader to capture something specific when you bounce around so much
6.8… Disco Dragon Aimless rambling? Senseless maundering? Needs music to clarify the shifts
5.5… Nath™ "sweat drenches the pores" sweat drenches from pores doesn't it? I don’t care for the wording in this piece. Its not the story but the sentences just don’t mesh
6.5… A_Perfect_Sonnet Is there a song in here somewhere? I see pieces
5.8… bisnotch I've never seen a song with bicuspid in it. Now I know why! For as nicely as it's put together this doesn’t work….not by a long shot.
7.2 addicted_tochaos Whats here works ok. Really needs a kick A** chorus or something. (good ending)
6.9 bowl of oranges "We don’t have time for this" What? "intent on our demise" Why? "loathing in their eyes" Whose eyes? What's here is not bad but really doesn’t give the reader a reason to take sides or become attached.
8 Scarred4Life Pretty slick…..slick
7.3 WhatILiveFor LIKE; Some of the wording/phrasing. It's different. DISLIKE: Some of the wording/phrasing. It doesn’t fit together very well. LIKE; the overall story line. DISLIKE; how one sentence is stretched out for an entire verse. LIKE; purest DISLIKE; sweetheart
6 zer0gauge I don’t even think this qualifies for ambiguous. Just to random
x Bigbadbob UGH, laid an egg on this one. BLAME THE WORD!!!
8 SubtleDagger Pity you cant write crits as good as you can lyrics
7.5 Grey_Francis I like this. Very lyrical. Hmmmm….maybe except for gigantic.
7 MomentoMori


11th… just a statistic
8th… Disco Dragon
13th… Nath™
9th… A_Perfect_Sonnet
12th… bisnotch
5th… addicted_tochaos
7th… bowl of oranges
1st… Scarred4Life
4th… WhatILiveFor
10th… zer0gauge
x Bigbadbob
2nd… SubtleDagger
3rd… Grey_Francis
6th… MomentoMori

[WhatILivefoR]

12 just a statistic- sounds like random angst poetry. mmm barbed wire. 5.3

7 Disco Dragon- I think this is too much of a first draft. Just rambling like you said. However it has some potential I think. 6.3

8 Nath™ - I don’t like the title, it explains the entire piece- there’s no element of ‘mystery’ to make people want to read/listen to the lyrics. It’s forced here and there, and the tense changes are confusing. 6.1

6 A_Perfect_Sonnet- I’m not one for real organized structure usually, but this could use some. A few good ideas, but together they don’t fit too well. 6.4

9 bisnotch- You have the same word in you title as me! gr. Okay, who uses the word bicuspids? To me it seems like you needed another word for molar, and found a thesaurus. Try not to make it so obvious next time. I liked the line “that grin reaped wicked…” but the next line didn’t follow it up very well. 6.0

5 addicted_tochaos- The line “why carry the world on your shoulders, when it stays up on it’s own” seems to be out of place, but you can sort of pull it off… 7.0

1 bowl of oranges- This is really weird, but I almost called my own piece I Love You, Take My Hand. And it’s about getting away. And you have a couplet in the end with one line beginning with the word “yes”. (Similarity? Weird.) I like this one the most so far I think… not because it has similarities to my own, just that it’s intelligent without using thesaurus-ized words every line. 7.8

4 Scarred4Life- Put some punctuation in there and it’ll be good. I don’t like how the first line flows into the second. There needs to be a period there- or something. 7.3

11 zer0gauge- Same as for Scarred4Life; use some punctuation. I can’t follow this too well. 5.4

3 Bigbadbob- the stanza beginning with “No, their intent is not to begin…” is weak and could use some work. It’s okay, but it’s not my ultimate favorite. 7.4

2 SubtleDagger- It’s; pretty good until you hit; the line about ‘falling victim to this cancer’ which; killed the ending. Other than tha;t not bad; 7.6

10 Grey_Francis- is this…hip hop? It’s rather random and there is close to no development or relevancy between lines. Also, you spelled “tongue” wrong. 5.5

13 MomentoMori- Too much recycling of lines (for example “we’ll walk their path of death”). Please use spell check. 4.2

[zer0gauge]

just a statistic
Not sure exactly what you're going for here, but then, I'm prone to being cryptic sometimes, so I won't hold that against you. the repetition of black/white is well.. repetitious.
6.4/10

Disco Dragon
Nath™
A_Perfect_Sonnet
bisnotch
addicted_tochaos
bowl of oranges
Scarred4Life
WhatILiveFor
Bigbadbob
Very Bad Religion feel, I like it. I'd be interested in hearing it with music behind it.
9/10

SubtleDagger
Grey_Francis
Reminds me of XP8 "She Says". I dig on the flow change from verse to lyrics.
7.3/10
MomentoMori

[bowl of oranges]

Haven't got the time to type out critiques for you all, so i'll just give places. Sorry.

just a statistic - 8
Disco Dragon - 9
Nath™ - 10
A_Perfect_Sonnet - 1
bisnotch - 7
addicted_tochaos - 6
bowl of oranges - x
Scarred4Life - 3
WhatILiveFor - 2
zer0gauge - 12
Bigbadbob - 5
SubtleDagger - 4
Grey_Francis - 11
MomentoMori - 13

[Scarred4Life]

Ok, I may or may not have time to add the crits, so I'll put my rankings in first and see how it goes.

just a statistic: Ok....I'm not a big fan of this. The majority of it seemed to be lacking in flow and was just a stream of conciousness. I did however like the lines: "Smoke without fire
your heart wreathed in barbed wire" I thought that was prety nifty, but overall it could use some work. 6.9 Rank:7

Disco Dragon: This piece was just weird, I dont know what else to say. I couldnt really find a flow here and it reminded me of Ulysses in its style. (note: I'm not a fan of Joyce's writing) er...Kitchy? And was klever a typo or something I'm not getting? Sorry DD, normally I like your stuff but I couldnt really dig this one. 6.8 Rank: 9

Nath™ : Ok, I think you were trying a bit too hard here. The rhyming scheme here feels awkward and there are simply too many words for it to flow properly. Try to say what you want with the fewest words possible and I gurantee your songs will get better. 6.7 Rank:10

A_Perfect_Sonnet: Have you ever read The Sound and the Fury? If so, I think you'd understand why I feel your work here reminds me of it. unfortuately I have the same problems with your song as I do with the book. Your song has a good concept, but so many of the words and phrases seem like extra baggage to me and the flow is nonexistant. This would be a good poem, but I can not tell that it's a song. 6.85 Rank: 8

bisnotch:*winces* yeah, um, Basically just look at the other comments made and you'll get the idea. this song is so emo, and the title is straight out of the AlexisonFire handbook. 6.5 Rank:10

addicted_tochaos: I have to say, I did like this song. It conveyed some good images I think, the whole song seemed to remind me of Atlas Shrugged (one of my favourite books) and I think you got your point across very well. 8.0 Rank:1

bowl of oranges: This piece was pretty interesting. It had goods atmosphere I think, and that was it's main strength. 7.3 Rank:2

Scarred4Life

WhatILiveFor: Interesting. Similar to APS's in my opinion and my comments apply to both. However, your peace seems o flow a bit better and be a bit more songlike in my opinion. It's not really my bag, but it's pretty well done. 7.0 Rank: 5

zer0gauge: I read this, searching for a common thread or scheme throughout....and came up with nothing. Sorry pal, I couldn't dig this. Not great rhythm and lots of phrases seem to go nowhere. 6.6 Rank:11

Bigbadbob: Yes, very Bad Religion-esque. I like it, but I have the same problems with it as I do with Bad Religion's lyrics: the use of overly ornate words that don;t add anything and serve to take away from the overall flow. If you had submitted this a year ago, when I was a really hardcore BR fan, I'd have given this 1st, but alas and alack. 7.1Rank: 4

SubtleDagger: Man, you really frusturate me with your lyrics. For this song, I really like the 1st and 2nd stanzas, I hate the 3rd and 4th and I feel neutral towards the 5th. However, it still is quite good overall. 7.2 Rank:3

Grey_Francis: Not too bad at all. It flows nicely, uses just what it needs to get the point across. It needs a bit of polish, but it isn't too bad. 6.95 Rank:6

MomentoMori:Yeah, I didn't really feel this one. I liked the 1st stanza bu after that, it never really went anywhere. Try not to use the the same line with a word changed all the time. 6.4 Rank:13

[DFelon204409]

Closes in 24 hours.

[Disco Dragon]

Am currently at work, so I don't have time to get full crits in here. Will have to suffice with just rankings.

9th--just a statistic
11th--Nath™
5th--A_Perfect_Sonnet
10th--Bisnotch
4th--addicted_tochaos
2nd--bowl of oranges
1st--Scarred4Life
7th--WhatILiveFor
12th--zer0gauge
3rd--Bigbadbob
6th--SubtleDagger
8th--Grey_Francis
13th--MomentoMori