In the Space Between Breaths (crit for crit)

[machinegunfunk]

Man stands so tall,
Upon the mountains, above the clouds
Shouting proudly, shouting a-loud
That he has dominion over all

Yet let at night, in his bed
His thoughts begin to wander
Life’s labyrinth he begins to ponder
What happens to me when I’m dead?

The meaning of life leaves man’s mind much maligned.
Might mankind merely be a clock, determinedly designed?

For if we are bound by the laws of physics and of chemicals
How can one be blamed for their actions and held responsible?

For if we live in the world of the Almighty, what’s the alternative?
How can one live freely if it is for God that we live?

So here man stands, the precipice of uncertainty
Gazing into the horizon of the unknown
The same question reverberating through his head like the echoes of a thousand muted screams
Why am I here?

Birds chirp and the wind rustles through the waves of tall grass, creating a brilliant melody from the cacophony of life.
Looking into the sky, man draws a deep breath, and at the apex of the inhalation, in that momentary lapse of thought, where neither synapses fire, nor muscles contract, it becomes clear.
The world is far too beautiful to be ruined by purpose.

[machinegunfunk]

bump zilla

[IOWNU200]

this just seems like a theory, an idea written down, you don't really have much poetry. Try adding in some more devices, you've got a good idea, but try and make it beautiful if you know what i mean

[Mr.Plague]

I feel it moves to slowly for my liking

[machinegunfunk]

Originally Posted by IOWNU200

this just seems like a theory, an idea written down, you don't really have much poetry. Try adding in some more devices, you've got a good idea, but try and make it beautiful if you know what i mean

yea, pretty spot on id say, i know exactly what you mean. kind of a mind dump

[silent_screamer]

i agree, it's sounds like a theory. i think if written right this would make a great song, questioning the purpose of life.

[Leaves]

I like the theme. A song can include thoughts on theories (free will vs. determinism), I don't know why people are harping on you about that. The flow was very choppy, however, and it didn't seem to have any kind of musicality to it. I love the last line: "The world is far too beautiful to be ruined by purpose." Did you come up with this or is it from something else? It's very elegant and wise.

You could improve this greatly by giving it some structure and rhythm. Otherwise I dug it. If you're up to it, please crit my piece [url=http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=354485]Not Convinced[/url]. Thanks.

[machinegunfunk]

one thing. this is more for poetry and not so much a song. it is meant to deviate near the end from structure and rhythm.

[IOWNU200]

yeah, i know you can fix this up with the writing because your concepts and theories are very intriguing, now just spruce it up with some rythm (even poems have rythm) and some pretty language

If you could get this for me, it'd be appreciated:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=350653

[Leaves]

Originally Posted by IOWNU200

(even poems have rythm)

Exactly.