Challenge 88 - Voting - till 6/2

[Kithkin]

[url=http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=343085]Entry thread[/url]

You guys know what to do

valid entries

kevbud187
DFelon204409
pixiesfanyo
toddcotham
SubtleDagger
RunAmokRampant
super deluxe
bowl of oranges
SeasonOfTheMad
xKONRADx
addicted_tochaos
WhatILivefoR
Corupt2057
jurialmunkey
Mighty Morphin Power Ranger
k.s.e.
Tyrion
Rushfan2112

[toddcotham]

Fine! I'll vote.

kevbud187 – The biggest downfall of this is the first verse. The language just didn’t seem natural. Unpoetic is not a word but that’s how I would describe it. I did, however, like the chorus as well as your use of the challenge word.

DFelon204409 – Great story. But that’s the only way I could make myself take it…as just a story. It’s different and I’ll give you props for taking the risk but for my taste it was just way too long and…I just don’t know.

pixiesfanyo – Rhyming seems a little forced but the story is done very well in such a short song. I do wish you would have stretched it out a little though.

toddcotham – ahem

SubtleDagger – Very nice. Nothing fancy but a very solid piece.

RunAmokRampant – I’m impressed, but no challenge word. Good work otherwise.

super deluxe – The beginning is awesome. It seems very singable. Nice work on the chorus and the ending was simple but effective. “mediocrity in motion”, good stuff.

bowl of oranges – Great job with the change in mood at “the sun can save.” I could really feel that. Aside from that nothing really grabbed me.

SeasonOfTheMad – It seemed like the only thing you were trying to accomplish was to make it rhyme. I’m definitely a fan of consistent rhyme schemes but I don’t use them if I can’t make it flow and sound natural. Never sacrifice quality to fit a rhyme scheme.

xKONRADx – There are some nice images in here but they flow of the piece bothered me a little. It feels…bouncy. Great job if you could smooth out the flow a little.

addicted_tochaos – Pretty good. I didn’t like how you used the challenge word. I thought there were other places that could have put it to better use. Good stuff overall.

WhatILivefoR – Some of the metaphors came off a bit cliché but were effective none-the-less. I could really hear it being sung in my head. The first verse comes off a little rocky but is a lot smoother through the rest of the song. Nice work.

Corupt2057 -

jurialmunkey

Mighty Morphin Power Ranger

k.s.e.

Tyrion

Rushfan2112

kevbud187 - 13
DFelon204409 - 10
pixiesfanyo – 6
toddcotham – durka durka
SubtleDagger - 1
RunAmokRampant – Dairy Queen
super deluxe - 2
bowl of oranges - 11
SeasonOfTheMad - 16
xKONRADx - 8
addicted_tochaos - 7
WhatILivefoR -3
Corupt2057 - 4
jurialmunkey - 5
Mighty Morphin Power Ranger - 12
k.s.e. - 9
Tyrion - 15
Rushfan2112 - 14

ok, here's my votes before I get DQ'd. I'll try to finish crits if I have time.

[pixiesfanyo]

kevbud187 - 5.0/10
DFelon204409 - 7.8/10
toddcotham - 6.7/10
SubtleDagger - 7.3/10
super deluxe - 7.9/10
bowl of oranges - 7.0/10
SeasonOfTheMad - 3.0/10
xKONRADx - 5.1/10
addicted_tochaos - 5.2/10
WhatILivefoR - 6.2/10
Corupt2057 - 3.6/10
jurialmunkey - 7.7/10
Mighty Morphin Power Ranger - 6.5/10
k.s.e. - 8.0/10
Tyrion - 2.0/10
Rushfan2112 - 2.3/10

k.s.e. - 1
super deluxe - 2
DFelon204409 - 3
jurialmunkey - 4
SubtleDagger - 5
bowl of oranges - 6
toddcotham - 7
Mighty Morphin Power Ranger - 8
WhatILivefoR - 9
addicted_tochaos - 10
xKONRADx - 11
kevbud187 - 12
Corupt2057 - 13
SeasonOfTheMad - 14
Rushfan2112-15
Tyrion - 16

[super deluxe]

kevbud187- You’re telling us instead of showing us what you mean. The song would be more interesting if you described the girl so that she seemed young, instead of just telling us from the outset. This has such a clear-cut overused story that it’s hard to identify with, or make an emotional connection. It doesn’t seem like you actually know anyone like this.

DFelon204409- I have mixed feelings about this song, because while it’s well written, I feel like it could have used one more harsh editing pass. Your writing is vibrant enough, and sometimes it’s just too many adjectives. It’s like putting butter on ice cream, it’s just too high calorie concentrate. That said, the narrative is good, and the story you’re telling is interesting in its own right, which is more than I can say for a lot of things I read here. Oh yeah, and a “courier” is someone who carries letters or packages. A “currier” makes spicy South Asian food…

Pixiesfanyo- I’m sure it will irritate you to no end to hear this, but this song is too short. I shouldn’t have to read an article about some obscure dude to get what’s going on. The piece doesn’t have enough meat to stand on its own, and when I read it without the background you later provided, it just seemed like a few pretty phrases that didn’t have enough chutzpah to be a whole song. Granted, what you have makes nice allusions to the story you started with, but it’s not enough.

Toddcotham- Not bad, especially considering the topic. Actually, maybe the title is what put me off it at first. I would call it something like “Spilled Cursive.” Alluding to a line in the song, suggesting a story, and spilled blood. But without the “beat you over the head obviousness” of your present title. I would cut the “our father” line, I don’t think it adds much, and it ruins the parallels of the “she does ____/they meet___” lines. The “writing each step” line is particularly nice in the flow of the song.

SubtleDagger- I was with you until the “spring/roses” lines.. It made me think of that Seal song, which is NOT a good thing. The theme of the song is excellent, and could be very moving, but that there lapse into cliché so near the end has got to go. Otherwise, the rhythm of it is quite good, and you actually have something worth saying, which is always pleasant.

RunAmokRampant- DQ

super deluxe- your hero!

bowl of oranges- This song was ok, but even after the third read, I didn’t feel emotionally connected to it. More like I had been lectured at, and I didn’t really get. Not that I didn’t understand the point of your song, but the tone is so arch that the “warm” imagery can’t get through. Your vocab is smothering the song.

SeasonOfTheMad- You pick possibly the most obvious rhymes in the English language, and then combine them in the most obvious way. Grave/slave, near/tear, true/flew. Meh. Your use of exclamation points made me laugh! Ha! Ha!

xKONRADx- It’s been a while since I read much of your writing, and I think you’re improving. A bit more capitalization and such would make it easier to read, but you have some good alliteration there. The rhymes are pretty obvious, but your other lines made up for it. I like that you actually used some specific descriptions of what seems to be (whether it is or not) a real scene.

addicted_tochaos- Your vocabulary doesn’t overwhelm the song and do it a disservice, as seems pretty common here. I wasn’t crazy about the “something must be done” line, but there were others that made up for it. I don’t really have much advice to offer you because I think it’s just right the way it is, though it seems a bit...sterile? I dunno, it's good, but it feels like it's not quite all the way there yet.

WhatILivefoR- Enough of the knife/cutting/bleeding/heart/death imagery, people! This reminds me of every live journal I’ve ever made fun of written by every goth girl with striped tights and magenta eyeshadow. Granted, this is better put together than most of those, but if you explored a bit further afield in your imagery, I think your piece would be a lot more interesting.

Corupt2057- I know what “quid pro quo” is, and I know what “lachrymose” is, so you telling me at the beginning is annoying. If people need to look up words, they can. I found your song fairly generic, though the Poe allusion was mildly interesting. This song did not evoke any strong emotion in me, but then, songs where people come right out and say things like “broken heart” rarely do.

Jurialmunkey- Ah, bloodthirsty jurial. I’m really coming to expect this sort of thing from you now. You know, the song would be just as good if you got rid of the “stuff a heart…blood” line. And I loved the line about the crows “mine/mine”. Quite a sanguineous group of songs this week!

Mighty Morphin Power Ranger
k.s.e.
Tyrion
Rushfan2112

----------------
kevbud187-15

DFelon204409- 4

Pixiesfanyo-11

Toddcotham- 2

SubtleDagger- 1

super deluxe- n/a

bowl of oranges-9

SeasonOfTheMad-14

XKONRADx-6

addicted_tochaos- 3

WhatILivefoR-10

Corupt2057-12

Jurialmunkey-7

Mighty Morphin Power Ranger-8

k.s.e.- 5

Tyrion-16

[xKONRADx]

I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Winner


kevbud187-ok, change the first few lines. and other stuff but all these crits will be short. if you wrote the whole thing like you did the last verse this would be great.

DFelon204409- i like it when people experiment with new styles and formats, but the doesnt mean i always like the results. it just read too much like a story. i know that it can work with music, as you explained but you have to write to the audience if you want a good score.

pixiesfanyo-ending was weak. very short, but it was good, except the ending. like i said.

toddcotham-i dont know waht to think right now. hm....

SubtleDagger- its fine, but i really wish you would change your style. i must say though that i really liked the part at the end there. nice.

RunAmokRampant- NO CHALLENGE WORD... but good imagery, but the story isnt interesting.

super deluxe-mediocrity in lyrical challenges is more like it. actually ive liked yours the best so far, but what is this it seems like nobody is up to par. actually, rereading yours its really good.

bowl of oranges-keep us on our honest toes? ok... yep the rest of the song is more of the same. i just didnt like your writing style, the story behind it wasnt bad though.

SeasonOfTheMad-the grave/slave/saved part put me off right away. endless green? ok im done here.

xKONRADx- STFU you suck too.

addicted_tochaos-at least youve still got it. other than your use of the challenge word the song was great. hmm you or super deluxe for number one??? i wonder who is more inclined to put out?

WhatILivefoR-whilst? are you serious. ok. i must be in a bad mood. good thing im doing all these at the same time so its fair. i guess i dont like some of your word choices, but i can see alot of good qualities. i can imagine it being sung, even though there is no real structure. so thats good.

Corupt2057-some parts were good, others werent. more bad than good at the end there.

jurialmunkey-wtf. am i just reading these all backwards or something? dont get me wrong. its not bad, but its not good. i guess it must be contagious

Mighty Morphin Power Ranger-that actually wasnt bad. i didnt like it a whole lot though. suprize. i hope people arent just reading thier crits cause then theyll think im just being a jackass to them. but everyone is feeling the heat. so dont feel special. actually id have liked it if it were longer. paper airplanes was a good line.

k.s.e.- youre getting 3rd place. be happy.

Tyrion-compared to your other stuff this is not very good.

Rushfan2112-very plain. very.


RANKS - yet to be determined
11-kevbud187
7-DFelon204409
6-pixiesfanyo
5-toddcotham
4-SubtleDagger
1-super deluxe
12-bowl of oranges
13-SeasonOfTheMad
0-xKONRADx
2-addicted_tochaos
14-WhatILivefoR
10-Corupt2057
9-jurialmunkey
8-Mighty Morphin Power Ranger
3-k.s.e.
16-Tyrion
15-Rushfan2112

[Corupt2057]

kevbud187
DFelon204409
pixiesfanyo
toddcotham
SubtleDagger
RunAmokRampant
super deluxe
bowl of oranges
SeasonOfTheMad
xKONRADx
addicted_tochaos
WhatILivefoR
Corupt2057
jurialmunkey
Mighty Morphin Power Ranger
k.s.e.
Tyrion
Rushfan2112

alot of critiques to give out..

[RunAmokRampant]

Im going to vote because I feel obligated to return the favour for those who took the time to crit mine even though Im DQed


kevbud187 - 14th
Ok the story is ok but the narrative changes from the 3rd person narrative to a 1st person after the first verse. That is somethingyou have to be careful when writing lyrics and to decide what perspective you want your song in before you write else it gets confusing and does not feel right. I like the 4 line chorus part though.

DFelon204409 - 3rd
Tis a good story but it's going to take too long now for me to fully appreciate with only 1 read. But I get the message pretty well.


pixiesfanyo - 9th
I have no problems with the length and the vocabulary is top notch and the imagery is quite good. I don't like the last verse though, not a very climatic ending and it should lead into another stanza or something IMO. Still ok though.

toddcotham - 8th

SubtleDagger - 4th
Isn't a "Prophylactic" another word for a condom? Very amusing title and although this has an emo feel to it, I think if I heard this on the radio I'd be shocked utterly. Very different approach to a fimiliar topic. Good work

super deluxe - 2nd

bowl of oranges - 12th

SeasonOfTheMad - 16th

xKONRADx - 10th
I didn't like the warning line, came off a bit corny but I like the way you used the challenge word. I feel that your opening stanza is the strongest part of your song and the single lines build up a decent ending.

addicted_tochaos - 5th
I like this mainly for the really nice imagery you've got going on. "I'm living with a polygraph" and "Im tracing out circles" really stand out among others. The 3rd stanza is quite bizarre and another very different approach.

WhatILivefoR - 1st
Very nice language used and I like it when people can use higher vocabulary and actually know what they're talking about. But it is also woven with some well thought out imagery. A winner in my view

Corupt2057 - 13th

jurialmunkey - 11th

Mighty Morphin Power Ranger - 6th

k.s.e. - 7th

Tyrion - 15th

Rushfan2112 - 17th

[ATC]

kevbud187 - It wasn't good, until you hit the part that calls for 'buying every painting from the museum'. It would have been a bit better, methinks, if you put the final part at the beginning. Linear natures be dam'ned, it'd work better if your story went backwards rather than forward. A lot of the other two verses need tweaking too. 12

DFelon204409 - The last time I listened to a spoken word song was today. Gorillaz - Fire coming out of a monkey's head. I absolutely love the way you've put this. The storyline, the concept, its all good. I dont mind the length cos this is like a box set of good lyrics. ...1

pixiesfanyo - The way you've tied in the story of apartheid is perfect. Its like an inside joke. Thats it biggest strength and its biggest weakness. I'll get back to you. 8

toddcotham - The single line parts hold this together. Could be stronger. 6

SubtleDagger- emokid. You descend into cliches, which is quite surprising for you. I'd rather your older workings of obscure historical events than this slightly above average song that makes me want to cry 'sellout' and then collapse into a fit of giggles and smirks afterwards. 11

RunAmokRampant - I've figured out what I just couldnt get my finger on as far as you were concerned. While i love your use of language, get each verse to be a line itself, not two. It helps it stick out better rather than be drowned by an equally verbose next line. This I like better than your last. 3

super deluxe - Pretty. The taste, oh god. You managed to get the feel of the situation across pretty well. You Oral person, you. The ending ties in the sometimes disjointed images quite nicely. 2

bowl of oranges - Nice work. You do need to work on your hooks a wee bit more. The single/double lines arent very stand-out. 7

SeasonOfTheMad- The Unforgiven? No seriously, it fits the style, theme, rythm and feel. I cant critique this fairly because of a sense of deja vu. I'm sorry. 15

xKONRADx - If you lose the Warning sign which is pretty jarring (but might be interesting to see translated into song), its pretty good. 5

addicted_tochaos - Tacos!!!!

WhatILivefoR- Definitely the best new entrant around. Very nice style and technique, feels raw, in a good way. You got the intensity across so there's nothing more to do. 4

Corupt205 - You mentioned the word Nevermore in your song. I officially love you. I'm going to see them at the Gigantour. yay. (ignore) . Your song has a nice concept going, though it doesnt seem to be sure whether it wants to be philosophical or simple and effective. little birdie?? wrong phrase. 10

jurialmunkey - i hereby diagnose you with ADHD. Feels way too breathy. 13

Mighty Morphin Power Ranger - I miss your double entendres. This is okay and has a lovely first verse. 6

k.s.e. - I just dont feel you. Despite the passionate subject, I feel it lacks heart. 9

Tyrion - Feels folksy. And the rhyming works really well within that. Your problem, however, is your storytelling. It lacks heart and seems to revolve many average ideas around a really good one. 14

Rushfan2112 - NO. After all the drama in the replies thread, I figured there'd at least be a good song to back up the rhetoric. 16


IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT?

Kevbud-well, interesting tale…woman marrys for money…classic tale, very interesting…your chorus is weird, borderline forced, or something of that nature (doesn’t sound like a very natural flow to the words)
7/10

DFelon-If you want me to look at this, then it has to be looked upon as a lyric...given it’s a lyrical challenge, therefore, with out knowledge of music and rhythm, I have nothing to judge this upon BUT flow. Otherwise it lacks being a lyric and becomes a story…however, for the time being, Ill look at it…yeah, this is a story… that’s all it is, I owuldn’t know how to fit it into song, nor how to read it as a story…and Three parts with an intro is rather extensive, wouldn’t you say…I mean really, at this point it lacks the intent of going with music, and begins the intent of just becoming a novel (complete with chapters already!)
4/10; good story, not such a good lyric

Pixie fan-short…very short….14 lines of text, that’s it….it needs more, be it filler or whatever, where as the last one I graded was too long, this is to short
5/10

Toddcotham-well, I think this is the most cleverly made suicide story I’ve seen on here…
Though all it is is a suicide story, doesn’t stand apart from anything else one might read on this dreary forum…in rethought, this was cleverly worded, and was interesting to read
7.5/10

SubtleDagger
RunAmokRampant
super deluxe
bowl of oranges
SeasonOfTheMad
xKONRADx
addicted_tochaos
WhatILivefoR
Corupt2057
jurialmunkey
Mighty Morphin Power Ranger
k.s.e.
Tyrion

Would you like anyhting to drink with that?

*more crits later*

[kevbud187]

kevbud187-u suck so bad I won’t even place u.

DFelon204409- ........huh?......that was quite strange if you ask me. Um I see how the title fits into the song and I read the disclaimer but still little to no rhyming was used. This was more of writing down rough draft of a song before it was cut down and started to rhyme..At all and or make sense. Also a little bit of constructive criticism. In the first and last verse you use a character named Grandpa. It was very confusing because in first verse he was dead and in the last he gave you cigars.....??? I am still confused so I must give you a low ranking.

pixiesfanyo- I though the first two and a half verses were awesome. Then you go to "Of a little girl, In Africa.".... which was quite random and felt out of place. also "Are what these walls grope" was a very awkward line soully because walls cannot grope.

toddcotham- For a song with a topic like this very good. Description was excellent and I believe there was maybe some unintended symbolism in most of your lyrics. Some negatives are I think the first & last verse could survive without the third line. Also the last two lines of the first and last verses were "candlelight" unless you are repeating these for effect I would omit them and reconstruct that line.

Subtle Dagger- Some people are afraid of your crits, but I’m gonna be brutally honest. The rhyme scheme had huge gaps between common rhyme sounds in the longer of the lines. The last line of the second verse was awkward and out of place in an otherwise near perfect verse. Only other problem with the second verse was the fifth line. It didn't rhyme, and it was bizarre because obituaries are already lifeless, in the fact they are inanimate and the fact that they are statement of one who has died. I feel that line is a little redundant. Verses three and four were excellent. The very last line was random....it was very unexpected and not it a good way.

super deluxe- The first verse was awesome, but the last line was super random. I like the chorus, both of them were the best part of the song. The second verse was kind of blah. Not really that interesting. Ending was mediocre. Why? is my question. Why do I care? I don’t understand what happened in your song because it was unclear so why do I care.

Bowl of Oranges- First off I think it was cute how you put your name and the date you wrote it down at the bottom, I don’t know if this is just practice but it was weird anyways. The first verse was very cool I don’t think anything needs to be changed there. The lines in between had no reference to the first verse but rather to what was to come. I hope the second verse was metaphorical because otherwise I hate it. Everything after that was average and uninteresting and I didn't like it.

Season of The Mad- in the first line it is stated that the "The boy has grown into a man", yet throughout the song "the 'boy' is lost at sea,". I have no comment on wording and structure because it is all very very good. But the ending just didn’t accomplish anything. I didn't feel any closure to the song. The ending is killing am potential this song has.

xKONRADx-the title had no meaning towards the song, none whatsoever. I think "Drops of Concentrated Concern" would fit better. I think rhyming was very forced and that some lines were just used as fills. I like most all other verses but some parts are just not good at all.

addicted tochaos- First line is so awesome! This song would work for metal and/or hardcore but prolly nothing else. The third stanza and the use of "dark" as the last word didn't really work for me. The rest of the song read pretty much the same as the first half although the repeat line towards the end worked well. But what the hell is up with the title? It makes no sense with the song.

WhatILivefoR- Hardcore I am assuming. The first verse is pretty awesome with the imagery that is used. Wow! Verses that actually work together. Some other people that entered this challenge could learn from you. Thank You. I thought it was very strange that the number of lines per stanza were as follows: 7, 10, 7, and 10. But if it works to music than go for it. "If it sounds right, it is right. Who cares how you got there?" Not much else to comment about. Wording was fine for me and the title worked well.

Corupt2057- As you might know I crit alot about rhyme scheme, but your worked. At least the first and third lines rhymed which is all that it has to in order to work as a non-screamed song. All the verses flow very well and they actually have a story that is progressive. The symbolism in this song was impeccable and it wouldn't be the song (obviously because of the title) without it. Now the second half of the song switches up from 1st and 3rd rhyming to 2nd and 4th rhyming, risky, but depending on how it is sung it could work. There is some other rhyming that occurs throughout the song also which was unexpected but also worked well. The ending worked because it was similar to the middle section but it left the listener(reader) wondering.

jurialmunkey- I think the wrecking ball would work as a better title. There is so much for me to say about the structure and wording that I mine as well just say totally re-do this song over. Imagery worked but there was no story line that I could detect or any theme for that matter.

Mighty Morphin power Ranger- Wow! imagery is awesome and there is an actual story. Yay! I’m not going to comment on rhyme scheme because I think any changes in wording would ruin this song. Thank you for making comparisons of similar subjects ex. "Hopes of "I do" echo away In the tin cans tied to the bumper" & "For every Titanic, there's an iceberg" Great job.

k.s.e.-Incredible flow but could be restructured for clarity. There is really not much to say about this song except that the ending was very very good. Some work on this and it could reach its full potential.

Tyrion- well you can rhyme but maybe just a little too well it seems forced. Also the song is a little to bland. If you added a story it would be much more interesting a probably would be a much better song.

Rushafan2112- Not much to say other than this song is pretty bland. A lot of unanswered and just a general theme was left to the listener(reader) to leave them thinking. I would think more would be needed to make a very good song out of this.


RANKS

kevbud187 ~~~~~~~~~~~~ None
DFelon204409 ~~~~~~~~~~ 16th
pixiesfanyo ~~~~~~~~~~~~ 9th
toddcotham ~~~~~~~~~~~ 6th
SubtleDagger ~~~~~~~~~~ 2nd
super dexlue ~~~~~~~~~~~ 10th
bowl of oranges ~~~~~~~~~ 13th
SeasonOfTheMad ~~~~~~~~ 7th
xKONRADx ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 11th
addicted tochaos ~~~~~~~~ 8th
WhatILivefoR ~~~~~~~~~~~ 4th
Corupt2057 ~~~~~~~~~~~~ 3rd
jurialmunkey ~~~~~~~~~~~ 15th
Mighty Morphin Power Ranger ~ 1st
k.s.e. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 5th
Tyrion ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 14th
Rushfan2112 ~~~~~~~~~~~ 12th

[bowl of oranges]

kevbud187
DFelon204409
pixiesfanyo
toddcotham
SubtleDagger
RunAmokRampant
super deluxe
bowl of oranges
SeasonOfTheMad
xKONRADx
addicted_tochaos
WhatILivefoR
Corupt2057
jurialmunkey
Mighty Morphin Power Ranger
k.s.e.
Tyrion
Rushfan2112

[WhatILivefoR]

kevbud187- First off, I wouldn’t start the post with: “I still suck” because it makes people less inclined to read through the entire thing. For the critique: weird beginning, but I suppose it evened out by the end of the stanza. In the second stanza, you switch the subject person from “her” to “you”. I don’t mind it too much, but you may want to look into that. The rhyming is a little predictable, but it usually flows alright. In the last stanza, I don’t particularly like the line “everything to gain everything to lose”; it’s pretty tasteless and boring. That last line is good though.

dfelon204409- Before I say anything, when I quickly read through this the first time, I felt that it would be hard to critique. Not because it "won't fit to music" because anything can fit to music; but because it is so complete and well thought out, and it has a very strong 'history' aspect to it, which links you directly to it (seemingly emotionally and historically). I don't know if that makes any sense... But that's my attempt to explain it.
The first two lines are very interesting; and from them I understand a couple of things: This grandfather has passed away, and also what the setting looks like. Very ingenious. I like that. The rest of the stanza follows suit. It sets up the entire song to be of stories of this grandfather's past (as I understand- but I could be missing it...). Part i ("The Visage of the Shaka Honta") is great. I get a real sense of this tribal place, and this fight between the Shaka Honta and the traveler. Again, I love the story-telling stance. Part ii: Solid imagery. I love the huge difference of setting between the first and second parts. Nothing to say except, very intriguing. Part iii: This relic is a sword (I get from the mentioning of Samurai). The ending lines are... (sappy, I know) adorable. So far I see it as this: The grandfather is the travelor in the first part (obtaining the mask); the collector in the second part (obtaining the banjo) and the aging white man in the third part (obtaining the samurai dagger). So far, very interestingly good in my book.
Well, Grandpa is still alive according to the last part... But it ends excellently. I seriously have nothing left to say other than- it's good. And I can't seem to change anything, it's full and finished. I have a feeling that you wouldn't change anything even if anyone said as much. Which is perfectly fine. I'm sorry if this critique goes on and on... but I am proud that I actually understood (I think) the meaning of the song- sometimes I'm really slow. Really nice work. It will be hard to judge this piece against others- because it's on a different type-of-good level. On it's own level, this gets a 9.7/10.

pixiesfanyo- I have a hard time with really choppy lyrics- I usually like more "meat" I guess. But besides the fact that it's not my style, I understand what it's about; contrary to- I guess- others. But I still feel that it ends a little abruptly. The last stanza doesn't follow the flow that you have created in the other stanzas- the rhyming and so on. However, it could be interesting; and to your credit, the abruptness of the peice goes along with how little the topic is spoken about. So that is good.

toddcotham- I like how this begins, I can really get a sense of the mood, and I can see the scene. I think “fateful fulfiller” is quite a mouthful to sing…but it depends on the tempo. I like that you have personified suicide as a man. (How did you know that personification is my favorite form of figurative language?!?) So far- the flow is perfect, the rhyming is not predictable and the personification is…really good. The lines “…she creates him…they meet…they become one…” really bring a sense of movement and almost a rushed feeling to this piece, which I like very much. The two line-endings with “candlelight” in the beginning and the end are great too. Nice work!

subtledagger- For some reason, the first stanza doesn’t do it for me. I think it may be the line "in dead Decembers" because I've seen it before. However, I really like the next stanza. “what can I say?...” Your use of repetition of that line, and the homonymous “leave…leaves” is excellent. The flow is interesting; I don’t know if I especially like it; but at least it’s consistent. I really enjoyed the last stanza; the personification and rhyming is commendable.

runamokrampant- I was left confused after the first few lines… they seem a little choppy. The last line (of the first stanza) also doesn’t fit very well with the flow. However, after reading the piece in entirety, the irregular flow fits with the theme; in and out of sleep, etc. Besides the fact that I can’t find the challenge word anywhere… It’s interesting.

super deluxe- It seems to me that a lot of the lines start a thought, and then there's nothing to support it or back it up...or at least finish it. A few lines go together, but on the whole I think you could re-work the structure/flow of the lines together. You do have a few good lines: "Seraphim circle the head of a pin", "myrrh is on the inhale"; I like those. I guess it's just not my cup of tea.

bowl of oranges- critiqued this in S&L.

seasonofthemad- The rhyme scheme held too much of my focus in this piece. Well thought-out rhyming should almost seem like an ingenious accident to the reader; that the two words that rhyme completely stand on their own, and are not out of place- but seem to rhyme by chance. I don't know if that makes any sense- but at least know this: making the rhyming scheme the main part of your writing is not the best. On the contrary, I do like the lines: "the boy is lost at sea/floating atop the endless green." Keep it up; and re-work this, and you might have a really good lyric.

xkonradx- I like this piece. However, I have to say that I'm not partial to the stanza beginning with "attempting to force these images out of my mind"; the rhyming is too predictable for my taste. On the other hand, as much as the rhyming of the next stanza is somewhat predictable as well, I do like the imagery. I really like the line, "this is where I blinked" It changes the tone of the piece so that the last stanza fits in. Over all, a few things can be worked out, but I enjoyed reading this.

addicted tochaos- The title to this piece is cool. I don’t like the line “fleshed out without a seam” the two ‘out’s are too close to each other. I’ve mentioned this to others; but punctuation is important in defining flow for readers. I think writers can only benefit from the use of punctuation. Otherwise, it starts to sounds like random thoughts all stuck together and not thought out properly. I like the line “A statement for two”. I’m not sure what style of music this is for; depending on how that part fits in with the music, it could be pretty cool. I really like the thought you have with “Everyone’s beautiful in the dark/ Everyone’s the same when it’s dark” but I don’t think that it is the best way to phrase it. I mean, it’s not bad; but I think it could be a lot better. I also think that the line “Right before we’re too pretty” is out of place; the word ‘pretty’ especially. I understand that you are referring back to the beauty of everyone in the dark, but I don’t like the use of the word ‘pretty’ there. Overall, it has potential. But it needs to be worked on.

corrupt2057- Okay. The first two lines are really over-used and should be changed. Actually the whole first stanza should be looked at. I like the two lines “Aiming at the pigeon but killing the dove/ Wasn't exactly fair but it was close enough” in the third stanza. The chorus is…interesting. (as a side note: I think it would be better if you used actual ellipsis (“…”) instead of only partial ones.) It depends on the music; the chorus could be good, or horrid. But, that depends. This isn’t a major issue of mine, but it’s something I’ll mention: In the second line of the last verse, it’s the first time (and only time) that you put the reader/listener into the song- by saying “You”. I don’t know if you want to do that- it might be better to keep the song in one consistent perspective. Like I said, it’s not a major stumbling block, but you might want to think about it. Overall, it’s not bad. I would re-work the first verse/stanza.

jurialmunkey- Okay this is hard to follow- I’m not sure what the slashes are supposed to represent. (The breaks in lines? Different parts being sung?) Anyway. It’s pretty gruesome. I don’t see much flow, although there is a lot of repetition of lines and themes. That much is interesting. Right now it just sounds like angst poetry. It’s un-refined; but with the possibility of eventually inspiring a good piece.

mighty morphan power ranger- Okay. I seem to say this a lot; and if it’s getting old, I’m sorry. But, punctuation! Punctuation is good! It’s not needed at the end of every single line, but put it where there should be some! With that out of the way: this piece has some good qualities. I like the first line; it grabs the reader/listener’s attention. I like how you’ve used the imagery to pull out your theme. I like: “I sent every letter you wrote flying/ Away in paper airplanes”. The piece ends abruptly, but it works with the theme (and line: "mustn’t stay too long…”<-- by the way you misspelled “mustn’t”). On the whole, nice work.

k.s.e.- Interesting piece. For reasons that I cannot figure, it’s not my favorite. It has good flow, and a subtle rhyme scheme; which I like; but I don’t really connect with it I guess. I do like the line: “a circle, ever bending…” I’m sorry I don’t have much else to say…

[WhatILivefoR]

So. I went over the limit of characters in my last post, so here's the continuation of crits and eventually ranks.
Sorry if my critiques are too long and/or annoying...


Tyrion- Well, you have some easy rhymes. And they sound pretty forced; but, it's a start. Perhaps you should try to loosen up your style (no pun intended... seriously!) and not start off writing with a tight rhyming scheme. Often times people think that having a rhyming scheme will help their writing; make writing easier; or that poetry/lyrics have to rhyme. All are not true. Keeping to a strict rhyming scheme can be a rather large challenge for a skilled writer- to make it intelligent, unpredictable, and to make it sound fluid and not forced or out of place. You might find it easier to just write and feel the flow, and not worry about a rhyme scheme. I've found that a writer should find their style (of writing) before going up to the challenge of conforming to certain structures. That way you can have your own attack on the structure. Does this make any sense? I'm sorry- I'm pretty tired right now. I don't know how long you've been writing- and I'm not trying to offend you by "telling you how to write"- these are certainly all suggestions. But that's my two cents. As for the song itself, I would say that it's a start; but not the best right now.

Rushfan2112- Rhyming is forced. I don't particularly care for this piece, but you have a constant theme going. I don't have time now to do a full crit; if you want one, let me know.

13 kevbud187
4 DFelon204409
12 pixiesfanyo
1 toddcotham
3 SubtleDagger
7 super deluxe
5 bowl of oranges
14 SeasonOfTheMad
2 xKONRADx
8 addicted_tochaos
11 Corupt2057
9 jurialmunkey
6 Mighty Morphin Power Ranger
10 k.s.e.
15 Tyrion
16 Rushfan2112

LOL hay SD quit banning me it totally sux!!!2

Kevbud - This song pretty much beat me over the head with the point and got old pretty fast. I'm talking after the first stanza, since that's around when I went, "Hey this song is about gold digging probly".
15th

DFelon - Sorry man, but it reads like an encyclopedia, and is just about as poetic aside from the end. I don't care if it will work as a song, just if it works as poetry. I don't really think it does aside from the last stanza. I really do like the last stanza though.
8th

pixies - It's good, but I did tell you that it's just too short for me. Has its moments though.
6th

toddcotham - Well... it has a lot of potential. The lyricism is good, but the imagery and storyline sound like something Stevie Nicks would write. So it sounds a bit pretentious to me. It doesn't really come off that way for the most part though.
5th

RunAmok - Tragically DQed.

super deluxe - I miss super d in here a lot because her songs are usually really good. This is no exception. I'm not a big fan of the overdramatic ending but everything else is aces.
1st

bowl of oranges - It's decent. You need more command of grammar and sentence structure. Has potential though.
9th

SeasonOfTheMind - Starts out okay, but then the forced rhymes start pummeling me. Awful, awful forced rhymes, especially in the third stanza. They're just relentless. No way I can give this a decent standing.
12th

Konrad - Most of it is fine, until I come about that "WARNING" line, which is just way way way too pretentious for me. It's just not at all a clever device in my opinion. Aside from that and the sixth stanza, it's good. but those two areas really need work.
7th

addictedtochaos - :|. Not my sort of thing. You seem to have found your writing style, I'm just not a big fan of it. Too ambiguous and I just don't seem to retain interest.
11th

WhatILiveFor - You came out of nowhere as far as I can tell, but your songs are very good. This is no exception. Good job.
2nd

Corupt - I don't see how you can put all these definitions for "big words" at the top and then use "soul" instead of "sole". And that's just a simple error honestly, you have major structural problems. "Reasoning this happines" makes no sense, "shock" should be "shocked", "rest" is "rests"... I could go on and on but I'll spare you. Work on the simple stuff first and not the complex stuff.
13th

jurial - Good for the most part. Some of it's a bit too cliche for me and some is a bit too lengthy (that's right, I'm complaining that something is "lengthy"). Decent though.
4th

MMPR - Very good, A bit too short. I like your writing.
3rd

k.s.e - I personally thought this just was not interesting enough, which is probably why I saw it and yet completely missed critting it the first time around. I just couldn't really get into it.
10th

Tyrion - Not that hot. Storytelling isn't interesting, imagery isn't good. Meh.
14th

Rushfan - I'm sure I'll be hearing cries of "OMG biased", but your rhymes are forced and you have grammatical and structural problems galore. Wordplay isn't very clever either.
16th

[DFelon204409]

You know what I'm goıng to do?! I'm going to tell everybody their lyics won't work in a song even though they do!

kevbud187 - 5,0 - inconsistent
DFelon204409 - dude this is just a story lolz!!! it cant b a song!!!1!!one!!
pixiesfanyo - 6.0 - so this is what a new mars volta album inspires
toddcotham - 6.8 - better than i expected
SubtleDagger - 7.0 = not your best but still better than kevbud
RunAmokRampant - 6.5
super deluxe - 8,2
bowl of oranges - 6.1
SeasonOfTheMad - 3.2
xKONRADx - 5.7
addicted_tochaos = 6.6
WhatILivefoR = 5.5 = melodramatic overdone and the initial image is a ripoff of |"see youin the shallows" by thrice
Corupt2057 - 5.6 = "Aiming at the pigeon but killing the dove" nice line but i dont like the motif of birds. you didnt use it so well.
jurialmunkey - 6,9 - you shoulda used the word "synesthesia"
Mighty Morphin Power Ranger - 5.3
k.s.e. = 7.1
Tyrion - 2.0
Rushfan2112 - 4.5

Rankings:
1. super+deluxe
2. kse
3. subtle
4, jurial
5, toddcotham
6. addicted to chaos
7. bowloforanges
8. pixies
9. konrad
10. koruptzzzz
11. what i live for
12. mightymorphijn
13/ kevbud
14. rushfan
15. seasonofthemad
16/ tyrion

[k.s.e.]

le sigh... if anyone wonders why i never crit.. it's cause i never have anything nice to say.. and when i do.. i never want to/don't have time/procratinated/lazy/sexy.

kevbud187 5.0 / 12
DFelon204409 8.0 / 1
pixiesfanyo 6.0 / 5
toddcotham 5.5 / 9
SubtleDagger 6.5 / 4
RunAmokRampant 6.6 / 3
super deluxe 7.9 / 2
bowl of oranges 5.4 / 11
SeasonOfTheMad 5.0 / 13
xKONRADx 5.6 / 8
addicted_tochaos 5.4 / 10
WhatILivefoR 5.7 / 7
Corupt2057 4.9 / 14
jurialmunkey 5.8 / 6
Mighty Morphin Power Ranger 4.8 / 15
Tyrion 4.5 / 17
Rushfan2112 4.6 / 16

[xKONRADx]

closed?

[DFelon204409]

ya sure