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Old 03-07-2005, 09:06 PM   #1
Flaminghotchino
Your No King,
 
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Mesa AZ.
Posts: 386
A song about killing someone.

It may sound a little "messed up" or twisted.. But I just wrote it as a way to vent when I was very..very...angry/depressed. However the song uses only major chords, and is sung upbeat which makes it kind of funny.

Lovelvet

Oh, oh my
I really honestly
Gave you a try

Oh, oh yeah
Itís hard to think
Its gotten so bad

Please, please stop
Stop making me love
All of this

Please, please stop
Iíll whisper in your
EarÖ..

Cause lately it seems
Like Im just waiting
To shove a knife in
Your chest
Or back

And lately I havenít slept
Because I just keep thinking
Bout shoving a knife in your neck

Iíve never heard such screams
Please stop your disturbing my dreams

This saw is only so sharp
I may need a bigger tarp

I'm running low on supplies
Your running low on tears in your eyes

I need a new shovel
Lemme borrow one from my neighbor

The hole in my yard
Your esscence to discard
Youíre the one who said
You want to leave

The hole in my heart
Like the hole in my yard
Maybe youíll think twice

Or maybe not.

The end.

If you have any comments about the "flow" or whatever, dont worry it sounds fine with the music. Other then that feel free to give any criticism thanks!

-Chino
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Old 03-07-2005, 09:20 PM   #2
UnDeRoAtHfAn777
yeah....
 
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Posts: 941
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flaminghotchino
Lovelvet
Oh, oh my
I really honestly
Gave you a try

Oh, oh yeah
Itís hard to think
Its gotten so bad

Please, please stop
Stop making me love
All of this

Please, please stop
Iíll whisper in your
EarÖ..

Cause lately it seems
Like Im just waiting
To shove a knife in
Your chest
Or back

And lately I havenít slept
Because I just keep thinking
Bout shoving a knife in your neck

Iíve never heard such screams
Please stop your disturbing my dreams

This saw is only so sharp
I may need a bigger tarp

I'm running low on supplies
Your running low on tears in your eyes

I need a new shovel
Lemme borrow one from my neighbor

The hole in my yard
Your esscence to discard
Youíre the one who said
You want to leave

The hole in my heart
Like the hole in my yard
Maybe youíll think twice

Or maybe not.

The end.
-Chino
A few places where there is forced rhyme. I don't really see any humor in this but maybe I am just thinking this b/c if you were to fix some parts it could make for a good emo/screamo song. Oh well.

Like: Lots of emotion in it
Dislike: the waste of emotion(IMO) since it is supposed to be funny. If you want to make a funny song w/hate in it, listen to stephen lynch, he is the master of the funny song.
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Old 03-07-2005, 09:23 PM   #3
Flaminghotchino
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Location: Mesa AZ.
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thanks, I kinda wish you mentioned where you thought the rhymes were forced.. but oh well.
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Old 03-07-2005, 09:23 PM   #4
bisnotch
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chi-town
Posts: 208
the flow is the one of the biggest problems i have but i'll take your word for it. First the bad. One thing i didnt like was the fact that it seemed like a generic i wanna kill you song. Maybe it sounds better with the music. Secondly, some of the lines seemed incredibly random and unneeded, especially the one about borrowing a shovel from your neighbor. Also, the last line of the song. I would leave it out. Thricely, way too violent for me, i think you crossed the fine line from talking of killing someone and talking about how you would kill someone. Just my opinion though. Fourthly, I feel there is a lack of metaphors. Not always bad though. Now for the good. I feel a great sense of emotion and unfortunately imagery in some parts. I like the storytelling aspect of it and the fact that there is no real defined chorus or verse. Those songs usually end up really neato. The oh oh yea gives me a kind of billy idol kinda thing but i know thats not what you were going for. My advice to you, Revise revise and revise again. Use the crits from people as they follow. They will prove to be very helpful. If you could, tell me what you think of mine. Break Out of The Ordinary. Thanks.
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Old 03-07-2005, 09:25 PM   #5
Flaminghotchino
Your No King,
 
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Mesa AZ.
Posts: 386
thanks a lot man I'll definately check out your song, you seem wise.

Oh and btw im usually not that violent of a person..just I was very angry and wanted to try something new.. and im borrowing the shovel from my neighbor too dig a hole to bury the body...just so you know.
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