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Old 03-02-2005, 04:07 PM   #1
A_Perfect_Sonnet
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Glass Doors

Ben Stivers
3/2/05

Glass Doors

There were a few days that you weren't so obvious,
Those are the times I really do miss.
For the other times I say "Fuck you darling",
Like you could hide your malice?
Your smile cheapened the ground you stood on.

I saw through your glassy eyes.
Right into your mechanical mind.
I shoved those words back down your throat,
Back to your stone dead heart.
You acted like it didn't hurt,
When I torn your insides apart.
You coughed up blood.
Just choke on it next time.

There were those times that I missed you, honestly.
I hid in the shadows.
Your face blocked the sun,
And I spit into it.
Judge her,
She killed the court,
And she will do it again,
To the next prisoner's heart.
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Old 03-02-2005, 04:13 PM   #2
fromfirsttolast911
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There were a few days that you weren't so obvious,
Those are the times I really do miss.
For the other times I say "**** you darling",
Like you could hide your malice?
Your smile cheapened the ground you stood on.


Good job, you did a good job of opening the song/poem up, it really shows emotions.

I saw through your glassy eyes.
Right into your mechanical mind.
I shoved those words back down your throat,
Back to your stone dead heart.
You acted like it didn't hurt,
When I torn your insides apart.
You coughed up blood.
Just choke on it next time.


Great imagery..i loved that verse!

There were those times that I missed you, honestly.
I hid in the shadows.
Your face blocked the sun,
And I spit into it.
Judge her,
She killed the court,
And she will do it again,
To the next prisoner's heart.


I also really like this verse..i also like the line "i hid in the shadows" because i tend to use that line alot. Also great imagery again!

overall 9.5/10...you did a great job with imagery..and your word choice was excellent!
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Old 03-02-2005, 04:16 PM   #3
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"Your smile cheapened the ground you stood on."
nice line, but on it seems a bit dead in it's use.

second verse (or whatever it is) seems a little angst-cliche maybe something a little more original. The story i've tried to piece from it seems like a good back-bone for a song but i miss details of the story with the middle bits of mindless violence explaination

as it stands it gets a 55% with some work i'm sure it will be interesting.
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Old 03-02-2005, 04:21 PM   #4
IOWNU200
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Quote:
There were a few days that you weren't so obvious,
Those are the times I really do miss.
For the other times I say "**** you darling",
Like you could hide your malice?
Your smile cheapened the ground you stood on.
eh, I've seen better from you. I loved the last line, that's deffinately the highlight of this verse for me. I really don't like the third line though. The cursing just seems to make it cheap, maybe just a personal thing, but I know that you can express that better. Also, I'm not sure how well this serves as an opening verse, it doesn't seem like it really has that "kick" to start up the song, (sorry if that makes no sense)

Quote:
I saw through your glassy eyes.
Right into your mechanical mind.
I shoved those words back down your throat,
Back to your stone dead heart.
You acted like it didn't hurt,
When I torn your insides apart.
You coughed up blood.
Just choke on it next time.
Woah...I'm scared now. Take it easy on her
Otherwise, your imagery was on and foo in this verse. The stone dead heart could be re-worked in my opinion. stone heart is overused (a song we sang in church this morning mentioned it) I like the mechanical mind though. The violence isn't a personal favorite of mine, but it is nonetheless effective for you.

Quote:
There were those times that I missed you, honestly.
I hid in the shadows.
Your face blocked the sun,
And I spit into it.
Judge her,
She killed the court,
And she will do it again,
To the next prisoner's heart.
I really liked this ending. Supplying the blame and the attempt to lobby for it was a nice touch. The only line I would change would be the spit line. Spitting into the face is kind of eh... you can probably do better.

Overall this wasn't bad, but I've deffinately seen better from you. I would try and switch up some of your imagery here and there. I like your wording and flow through most of this though. Anyways, good job
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Old 03-02-2005, 04:22 PM   #5
Nightvision
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Been too long since I've critted one of yours APS, so here we are.

There were a few days that you weren't so obvious,
Those are the times I really do miss.
For the other times I say "fuck you darling",
Like you could hide your malice?
Your smile cheapened the ground you stood on.


This is an excellent first verse. Every song I've critted tonight has had an excellent start, this is no exception. The only fault I can pick is that maybe the "do" in the second line doesn't need to be there - just feels like an extra word.

I saw through your glassy eyes.
Right into your mechanical mind.
I shoved those words back down your throat,
Back to your stone dead heart.
You acted like it didn't hurt,
When I torn your insides apart.
You coughed up blood.
Just choke on it next time.


Argh - what happened? The first two lines were ok, and the last two were ok, but this is such a let-down from the first verse - it all feels so generic and stale - I've seen this a hundred times before. You can do better than this...

There were those times that I missed you, honestly.
I hid in the shadows.
Your face blocked the sun,
And I spit into it.
Judge her,
She killed the court,
And she will do it again,
To the next prisoner's heart.


Nice start - I liked the first three lines, but you just fall back in to the generic stuff again after that. I feel like I'm being too harsh here, but I have such high standards when it comes to your stuff, this feels like it's nowhere near your usual standard.

Overall:
A long, long way from your best. It's not an awful song, but it's really poor by your excellent standards. It just felt like you really struggled after the first verse, and it really showed.

Score:

58%
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Old 03-02-2005, 04:55 PM   #6
Understanding In a Crash
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Quote:
Originally Posted by A_Perfect_Sonnet
Ben Stivers
3/2/05

Glass Doors

There were a few days that you weren't so obvious,
Those are the times I really do miss.
For the other times I say "Fuck you darling",
Like you could hide your malice?
Your smile cheapened the ground you stood on.
Emotional and seems to have a personal effect upon you. The last lines with the question and the follow up are good.
Quote:
I saw through your glassy eyes.
Right into your mechanical mind.
I shoved those words back down your throat,
Back to your stone dead heart.
You acted like it didn't hurt,
When I torn your insides apart.
You coughed up blood.
Just choke on it next time.
First two lines flow well but when it goes to "stone dead heart" it seems alittle choppy. And I think "torn" should be tore if I'm mistaken maybe?
Quote:
There were those times that I missed you, honestly.
I hid in the shadows.
Your face blocked the sun,
And I spit into it.
Judge her,
She killed the court,
And she will do it again,
To the next prisoner's heart.
Conclusion seems like a follow up from the intro but seems like it lagged behind alittle and left the reader out in the open.

I've always been a fan of your work but this seems like it was ordinary by your standards which I'm not saying is bad at ALL.
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Old 03-02-2005, 05:04 PM   #7
Eryn
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Posts: 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by A_Perfect_Sonnet
Ben Stivers
3/2/05

Glass Doors

There were a few days that you weren't so obvious,
Those are the times I really do miss.
For the other times I say "Fuck you darling",
Like you could hide your malice?
Your smile cheapened the ground you stood on.
I really really like this verse,chorus whatever. The only thing I would comment on is that swearing in songs can be highly affective yet can also distract listeners and put them off from the rest of the song. However the rest of your song is fairly violent so if they can't handle that one line they should probably plug their ears anyways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by A_PERFECT_SONNET
I saw through your glassy eyes.
Right into your mechanical mind.
I shoved those words back down your throat,
Back to your stone dead heart.
You acted like it didn't hurt,
When I torn your insides apart.
You coughed up blood.
Just choke on it next time.
Hmm. Like someone else said stonedead heart is a huge cliche sometimes cool but I bet you can come up with something better. This might just be a typo but the line "When I torn your insides apart" should probably be when I tore your insides apart. This isn't really my kind of song I am more of peace loving type but it's ok.

Quote:
Originally Posted by A_PERFECT_SONNET
There were those times that I missed you, honestly.
I hid in the shadows.
Your face blocked the sun,
And I spit into it.
Judge her,
She killed the court,
And she will do it again,
To the next prisoner's heart.
Well I like your first three lines but after that I feel that it kinda collapsed. Something about your fourth line the ones after that seem to work but the fourth just doesn't work for me. Alright there you go I give a fairly good but work on it.
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