C:80:Continuum Voting Biznatch

[cytoplasmicglob]

Jurial

runamokrampant
atremore
my final chapter
subtle
shadowsfallen711
DD
cytoplasmicblob
6945
d0ped0g
meberle7
addicted_to_tacos
eleventeen

vote away, my little puddin pies.

[pixiesfanyo]

I get to close it negro.

[atremore]

3rd Jurial - 8.2/10 - It's good to see that classic JMunk charm again... "quick, crank out the razor blades children!" Yes, very depressing, but in a fresh and abstract way, because of your poetic wordchoice. The book "A Catcher In The Rye" came to mind on the second read. Also, I can imagine the lyrics fitting to music, especially this bit:

"Covered in snow I can’t move my...
Mature scarecrow, shrouded with mist."

I don't know, I can just imagine some fvcked up time change between those two lines.

4th runamokrampant - 8/10 - Very thought provoking, yet simple, I love these lines:

"When beliefs suffer from malnutrition will chaos erupt?"

"Shall I use my halo/ As a noose?"

Your song is great, it flows really well and you've got some nice word choice. My only negative is I think the concept of Adam is presented a little generically, and the 4th stanza is not as strong as the others with regards to the way you phrase words. Otherwise, a great song.

8th my final chapter - 6/10 - I found yours to be too much of a stereotyped love song. I don't know why you have the line "thankfully, I was wrong" on its own like it's something special. Also, the Angelic voice reference? I mean really.

5th subtle - 7.9/10 - Wow, I think you have a way with rhyming. It's not for everyone (especially not for me!), but you pull it off well. I thought the last stanza was a little weak though, and I don't like the word crass.

10th shadowsfallen711 - 3.5/10 - Verse/ Chorus Form + Bad Word Choice x Common Subject Matter = Not Very Good Pop Song.

6th DD - 7.8/10 - Finally, an idealistic sort of song that I acutally like! You cheesy romantic types could learn from this person's originality... I get a romantic, tragic sort of vibe from it, but yet it is ambigous enough to make me a complete fool! Well done!

9th cytoplasmicblob - 4/10 - It sounds like a rhyming poem that some 4th grader came up with to try and scare his sister. It's written very matter-of-factly as well, and has no emotion: it's like "this happens, and than this, and sometimes this because this and that are linked". Yay.

2nd 6945 - 8.8/10 - Very well written, thought provoking stuff. You've got a nice rhythm to it, too. Also, your message comes out effectively with a strong concluding line, unlike other lyrics I've read where they say "this is bad" etc throughout the whole song. Nice lyrical dynamics!

12th d0ped0g - 2/10 - re: critique for shadowsfallon711: Not Very Good Pop Song + Airy Left Wing Connotations + The Repetition Of "FREEDOM" = A Song Ironically More Opressive Than NAZI Propaganda.

11th meberle7 - 2.5/10 - The title sucked and it went down from there. I'm sorry to hear about the rough stuff going on for you man, but I can't give you sympathy points either. Your song is riddled with Cliches.

1st addicted_to_tacos - 9/10 - I don't need to justify myself... or rather, yours was the last song I critiqued, therefore I'm too tired to do more than a half ar$ed job at saying how much I liked it. great work!

7th eleventeen - 6.5/10 - Nice verses, although the rhyming sounds a little forced to me in parts. The chorus could've been written better, but overall, I like these lyrics.

[RunAmokRampant]

Jurial 4th
Very nice piece. NIce structure and nice flowing as always but it doesn't strike me as hard as some of your other works. but doesn't matter you still pulled off another great song.

runamokrampant

atremore 3rd
Would've given this a 9 if it had been a bit more longer with perhaps another stanza but I suppose its quality not quantity. It does remind me of medieval times with the typical tyrannical king and it was definitely an interesting read

my final chapter 8th
Not bad. The first 2 stanzas I liked. I pictured the vietnam war with the vines and moss and bullets flying past. Dunno why but it just did. I thought this was going to go somewhere but after that I couldn't exactly follow without thinking 'ok what happened there?' and getting lost. Other than that, not a bad effort

subtle 2nd
This was an interesting read although it wasn't such a feeling or more emotional song, the description you use is great and with a great story behind lines makes it more appealing to me. Good effort

shadowsfallen711 12th
Took me less than 10 seconds to read this song, find it's weaknesses and struggle to find its strengths. Very boring, too short, generic, built upon chiches and the verse - chorus format doesnt work as you're just repeating that bland chorus. Sorry to say this but you'll need to try a whole lot more and improve to make it anywhere in these challenges.

DD 5th
A good effort although I don't like 'A pause would be implausible' line and some the rhyming is a bit too simple for the words and phrases you use. Other than that I liked it

cytoplasmicblob 6th
This is quite a disgusting song. I mean that in a good way. The choice of words and phrases you use eg phlegm and mucus. This is one of those songs where you either like it or completely disgusted with it. Either way it paints quite a picture.

6945 7th
I like the 'what is' parts pf your song especially the last one which really strengthens the finality of your song. But the structure is the average 4 line stanzas with an occasional 2 lines parts in between. Take some risks and experiment with your structure of songs because you have a great flow with words

d0ped0g 10th
This would make a decent song I suppose making the chorus more catchier than it would in just plain text like you've done here. Just seems a bit too repetitive for my liking but the verses are strong and well written

meberle7 11th
first effort right? Ok I guess. But my advice to you is to read addicted_to_tacos entry to find your mistakes and how to improve upon this style and type of song

addicted_to_tacos 1st
If only all emo songs were of this quality. This really stuck out for me and I could relate to this most in this challenge. Nicely written. "Six feet to kill the loss". very nice for an emo song if that's what you intended.

eleventeen 9th
Umm. could you have picked a better title? Ah well not a bad effort but the story is a bit overused. But the structure and the flow is a lot better than most songs I hear on the radio so I'll give you points for that and you drive the point home a lot stronger too in the last stanza. But next time I suggest you pick a topic that is more original and interesting

[6945]

5th… Jural 7.7/10
This doesn’t seem to envoke the emotion in me the subject alludes to and that I was hoping for.

6th… runamok 7.5/10
"why people wear blindfolds while commiting sin I do not know" . Sometimes you style throws me. I see good description and lyrical prose with occasional deviations…seems awkward to me. Good deep subject though and smartly written for the most part.

4th… atremore 8/10
very mysterious and brooding. Good Job. This reminds me of Fellowship of the ring, near the end, in the boats at the boundaries of Gondor.

7th… myfinalchapter 7.4/10
I like this. The discription puts me right in the picture.

2nd… subtledagger 8/10
Not another song about Ish Kerioth!!! Wheres' the chorus? How about a bridge? I looked up Ish Kerioth and got a little background first it helped put this in context. Great story line

12th… shadowfallon 4/10
First attempt? Not original enough

1st… discodragon 8.5/10
I enjoyed reading this from top to bottom.

11th… cytop 4/10
Just never know what your gonna come up with next

x 6945

3rd… d0ped0g 8/10
Some will prob complain about the chorus, to me it makes it seem more like an actual song. Not just something that is written, or over written for a challenge. I like this because I get a very personal feeling from it. The 2nd verse is my favorite.

10th… meberle7 5.5/10
1st verse went along ok but 2nd verse, "sobbing inside"…kinda set the stage for the remainder, which seemed to whinny for me.

8th… addictedtocruncytacos 7/10
For some reason I'm not connecting with this. Every verse seems to start over so I don’t really get a feeling of progression.

9th… eleventeen 6/10
I didn’t mind the 1st verse. I thought the 2nd weak and the 3rd didn’t add anything.

[cytoplasmicglob]

Jurial- I personally enjoyed the overall cemetary-like vibe of it. It brings to mind 'A christmas carol' by Charles Dickens for some odd reason. A bit negative, but that doesn't really bother me. I especially like the bickering over crumbs bit... However, this overall didn't seem to invoke much emotion in me. It seemed a bit dry. For that, I give it a 7.5/10

runamokrampant- I love the entire feel of this. It seems almost preachy, but sarcastic at the same time. A good combo, in my opinion. The lack of a uniform style boosts my appreciation for this even more. The 'halo as a noose' line stuck in my head as well. Overall, this was rather good. 8.7/10

atremore- Cut it on the obese words! Throwing in some every once in awhile is good, but I honestly can't see how it's possible to use this in a song without confusing the hell out of the listener. Either way, once I got past that, the imagary is nice, but I just don't quite get what this is entirely about. Is it about the end of the world? Brings to mind 'The dark tower' by steven king. Meh. 6.1/10


my final chapter- Wow, I simply loved this. Imagery was great. Nice choice of words/flow as well. Es hort mir gut. Keine Problems. 9/10

subtle-

shadowsfallen711- Clinche, boring, short, repetitive, blah. Dieses ist Sheiße.
DD
6945
d0ped0g
meberle7
addicted_to_tacos
eleventeen

[i am the robots]

Jurial 12
perfect sonnet 4
runamokrampant 2
atremore 3
my final chapter 5
subtle 7
shadowsfallen711 10
DD 11
cytoplasmicblob 9
6945 8
d0ped0g 6
meberle7 13
addicted_to_tacos 1
eleventeen <-ME!

[jurialmunkey]

So I'm not going to vote for the retards... because, well, **** them.

A new marking system. Grading Letters.

..>> JMUNK Mx Sarcasm Princess.

..>> APS pulled out at the last minute.

#9>> RUNAMOKRAMPANT: Well, first off, you steal an image/metaphor from the A Perfect Circle song noose about halos slipping down around your neck and choking you. There is some good ideas in there, but songs questioning faith etc. and on this theme just really don't do it for me anymore. Maynard does them best but even he bores me these days (I used to love TOOL/APC, but now they bore me...) There are some good ideas and images in here but the theme just drags it right down and the lines are big and cumbersome and ugly. I've moved on from this sort of writing on this theme. It bores me. I don't FEEL anything from it. D+

#3>> ATREMORE: I like how this has been kept nice and short. I really hate big cumbersome lines and songs these days and its nice to read something like your lyric. It has some great imagery in it and it avoids pretty much all cliches which is good. I don't like the language style. The "oft" really gets to me especially. It just feels really mechanical and rough. I don't really get a great deal out of it. Theres no idea that is returned to. That said it is an alright piece but definately not excellent. This challenge in general seemed to be pretty average and uninspiring though. B

#7>> MY FINAL CHAPTER: Those lines are so big and cumbersome. It seems like it is filled with unessicary language to express your point. I like the changes in scene and some of the ideas are great but those excessive words just drag it down. C

#1>> SUBTLEDAGGER: I really hate the word Babylon for some reason. It really irks me, it just feels like this contrived "I'm trying to be artistic and bohemian" sort of thing. It feels really clumsy. This is a good piece though but it's poetry in my eyes, which is fine. This written very strongly and I can't really fault it as far as technique. It doesn't really grab me though. I don't feel that drawn in to it. I feel really detached from it. I think the Babylon reference is what does it. It makes it all feel faraway in a distant land in a time long ago. Its like storytelling, great story telling, but it doesn't involve me, it don't get absorbed by it. B+

..>> SHADOWSFALLON711 Um no... This is crap and I'm glad you have been banned and I don't have to review it.

#4>> DISCODRAGON: B-

#8>> CYTOPLASMICBLOB: An interesting idea, but it just doesn't seem to work for me. It feels a little clumsy. C-

#6>> 6945:I really don't like how this ends. The last line sort of ruins an otherwise pretty decent piece. C+

#2>> D0PED0G: That chorus really really drags this piece down. The rest is really quite good. B+

#10>> MEBERLE7: Cumbersome and clunky. There are a lot of random cliche ideas on a collision course with each other. D-

#5>> ADDICTED_TO_TACOS: The gimmick with the last line of the verse changing slightly everytime sort of works and sort of doesn't... it's a bit repititous. It could work really well but you don't quite pull it off, points for trying though. The rest is really quite good. The pieces suffers from not having any contrast stanzas. its just six same format stanzas in a row, and thats the major downfall. B

..>> ELEVENTEEN: You are truly an idiot.

jurial - It's OK, the thing that always irks me about a lot of your pieces is that I think they lack flow and consistent rhythm. This one's alright, I'm not too preferential with some of your wording choices, but you didn't do too bad.
Rank: 3rd

RunAmokRampant - Oh man. What is with this piece? Flow and rhythm are completely nonexistant, which is alright sometimes, but this gets bad pretty fast. Your imagery is pretty boring most of the time. The lastb stanza is decent, the rest is just not my thing at all.
Rank: 9th

atremore - Ambiguous songs just don't do it for me. I feel like the writer is some hobo on the street yelling nonsensical prophecies at me. Meh.
Rank: 8th

my final chapter - Usually I hate your songs with a passion, but I'm going to go ahead and give this one the big thumbs up. There are some cliched areas that could use some work, but you're definitely on the right track with this one.
Rank: 1st

shadowsfallon711 - Hahahahaha. I didn't think anyone could write worse than Eleventeen. I was wrong.
Rank: 12th

Disco Dragon - I don't know what happened with you, I used to absolutely love your songs. Now they're just not doing anything for me. This one is even less average than usual. I generally dislike your rhythm and utterly loathe your metaphors and similes. Hm.
Rank: 10th

cytoplasmicglob - I liked the first stanza for a little, then I felt like I was reading a very goofy textbook. : |
Rank: 4th

6495 - This is pretty good. Sort of how I used to write, in that it's one big statement that can feel sort of overdone. Still, this song is promising and consistent.
Rank: 2nd

d0ped0g - If you're going to have a chorus, please make it interesting. Most of your verses are tragically dull as well.
Rank: 6th

meberle7 - "I did this and then I did that and I hurt you and you I me we you I I I I..."

That's what it was like reading this. Cut the pronouns.
Rank: 7th

addicted_tochaos - See DD's crit. Only difference is that you have a sense of flow, but you're just not doing anything interesting. Your refrain is dull and the last ones should be "in spite of it all". The rest is monotonous.
Rank: 5th

Eleventeen - Bad.
Rank: 11th

[Disco Dragon]

RANKINGS: (crits to come...)

1) 6945
2) addicted_tochaos
3) jurialmunkey
4) SubtleDagger
5) my final chapter
6) cytoplasmicglob
7) atremore
8) RunAmokRampant
9) dopedog
10) meberle7
11) eleventeen
12) shadowsfallon711

[ATC]

jmunk- j,my love,you are a better poet than a lyricist. i can't feel much of a rythm but i can certainly feel images. i love the last stanza. yet i feel it might make an interesting song..7

runamok- i'm reminded of something sum 41 would do. now that i like them a bit, i can see how this might work. why is it adam(n)'s apple. oh now i get it. the third stanza feels kinda weak. aside from that, its pretty good..8

atremore- i kinda like. i need to read the dark tower to find out what the three stand for. dam'n you, now thats another thing on the to-do list. i get antsy if i don't clear it up. bah. i loved the part about the ash as the shadow of grass. brilliant imagery... 1

my final c- oh, that perfect last two lines. that's an art form in itself. you could have left out the guns part. it's,uh, unnecessary. aside from that, ..2

subtle- i'll definitely buy your book if you write one. you could do prose and do it well. lyrically, i just feel a little cold. no denying the artistry, but there is no warmth or replay value. still, good. babylonian figures as song subjects, gotta love that. its original...5

shadows- i figure you're new. don't bother to write verse, chorus etc. people will figure that out on their own. and the whispered bit too, italicize it or something. it just interrupts the reader to have that in the middle. its not a screen play, after all. there's probably more interesting ways to put what you said. not that it wont work as a song, it probably will, but it just doesn't grab the reader the way you might manage to grab the listener. factor that in, next time...12

disco- this didn't grab me. inspite of a few lines that were wicked. cases in point: the last two lines of each verse. i like the progression, and the ending. its just that first stanza that i would say needs changing, and the beginning of the second. hmm. bah.6

cyto- you know i love you, man. you never fail to make me laugh. that's the most twisted cycle of life explanation, ever. write a few songs for weird al yankovic. seriously..4

6945- i generally like your style. but you lost the funk on this one, or at least, toned it down. i didnt like the refrain. the verses were fine. still, good..3

dopedog- whats with the chorus, man? i'm sorry but that plain sucked. you're not toby keith enough. or at least, the styles of the verse doesnt go with the style on the chorus. its just..disjointed. but good on ya. glad you've started setting things to music now..9

meberle- sorry,bro. i dont know kacey carpenter. don't think i want to know her. you didnt need to put that in. but eh, moving on. i know it probably hurts. it gets better. if she a) thinks mr. right and mr. right now are actual people or b) strings you along enough to think a song will win her back, she's miss wrong. pfft, sorry, l&r. either way, it didn't stand out much at all. even the exchanges dont have any feeling. word choice wasnt really good. keep it simpler. keep it passionate. thats all.
(sebadoh- willing to wait..check that out to see how you could do this better)10

eleventeen- korn tribute song? for untouchables,maybe? make your own road is all i'll say. good luck...11

Jurial 12
perfect sonnet 4
runamokrampant 2
atremore 3
eleventeen 10
my final chapter 5
subtle 7
DD 13
cytoplasmicblob 9
6945 8
d0ped0g 6
meberle7 11
addicted_to_tacos 1

[my final chapter]

jurial- i liked the internal rhyming in the repeated part, though i wasn't fond of some of the repetition, specifically the third verse. i couldn't feel any emotion from it and that was another problem i had with it. it wasn't horrible, but it wasn't great.

runamok- i really don't like how you said "today, in this modern day" in the first verse. i mean honestly, i think everyone knows that today would be a modern day, it is completely unnecessary to say that and adds nothing to the piece. however, it had some great lines, i.e. the one about the halo and the noose. though you had already left an intimation about the fact you were using your halo as a noose in the beginning of that verse, and therefore it didn't need to be repeated. pretty much some useless repetition brought down a piece with great lines for me.

atre- hmm not much to say about this really. it didn't really seem to affect me at all. i'm indifferent to this one.

subtle- it was original and i had no real problems with it really. i liked your rhymes. it was well-written.

shadows- what's up with the asterisks around forever? this is poorly written and a giant pile of cliches.

disco- i liked the rhymes you had going. you also had some nice lines "i have the answer but i haven't a clue." i liked it, nice work.

cyto- i don't like the repetition of gastropods. it's disgusting, yet it paints a picture, and i like that. plus it made me chuckle. not bad at all.

6945- good job. i liked the rhyming, the chorus switch up was nice, i could hear it being sung. i fell in love with the choruses really. wonderful.

d0pe- the verses weren't great really, it was pretty basic. the fourth verse and the ending were okay, but the choruses were horrible.

mer- yeah, no. "you're mr right not mr. right now" sounds like something i'd hear on a lifetime movie, that is if i was a girl and was into lifetime movies. the first two lines weren't bad, but throughout the rest of the piece, well there was not one original thought there. not good at all.

addicted- i liked it a lot. "six feet to kill the loss" was a brilliant line. i loved the switch up of the last line every time. you had lots of clever lines, just a great song all around.

eleven- slipknot, is that you? your rhymes seemed forced, and the chorus was uberoverdone. i wasn't a fan of this at all.

1. addicted
2. 6945
3. subtle
4. disco
5. jurial
6. runamok
7. cytoplasmic
8. atremore
9. dopedog
10. merbele
11. shadows
12. eleventeen

[d0ped0g]

i'll try and keep my crits short

Jurial - 3rd
more obvious and less cryptic than your other songs. imagery is supurb. still trying to figure out the chorus tho, although it is written quite well. 8.5/10

runamokrampant - 8th
has a stream-of-concious style appeal... but it was worked against you aswell as it showed little concern towards structure or rhythm. Seems to lose its way abit with what its trying to communicate. Many standout lines tho. 7/10

atremore - 6th
good to see some fresh talent. extremely well written. trying to be too smart in its description tho (i do that too... well... not in my new song). You should probably become abit more laid back in your approach to writing. 7.8/10

my final chapter - 7th
could have done a better job on the title.... in fact, definately could have. Not just bcus u used it as the first line of your song, but because it doesnt seem to fit well as a title for anything. Couldnt work out if the story being told was an extended metaphor for something, or just a story in itself. Well written, not brilliant tho.
7.2/10

subtle - 2nd
This is the subtledagger i know and love. You've written better before... but this is up there. Not much else to say. Did you get the work smokestack from an at the drive-in song? i'm not hassling your use of it, i just cant figure out where i've heard of it before. 8.8/10

shadowsfallen711 - 11th
not badly written, but doesnt do much for me. 6.5/10

DD - 5th
the first line made me laugh... i dunno why. I didnt like the title, not because it gave away what the song was about (well... what i expected it to be like, and it was like that), but because you probably couldve come up with something more substantial. Onto the song, not much to say, but well written. 7.9/10

cytoplasmicblob - 12th
I love how you try and be smart in your songs with the words you use, then do a massive change of direction where you say something so out of place that makes your youth immaturity shine through. Didnt really happen as much in this song tho... but still a typical cyto song. I cant take your writing too seriously, and thats the problem with it. **addition** i was hoping not to rank you last for once as this is one of the better songs you've written. But it has turned out that way. Sorry :/ 6/10

6945 - 1st
best song i've seen by you so far (i think). Loved the effect that the "what is... but a" put on it. Its the type of song that i wish i had written because its so good and professionaly done without flowing into the mainstream. Not much else to say. I was sure i'd vote subtle in 1st, i even put that by his name before i even worked out the rankings. Now he's being demoted... har har
9/10

d0ped0g - Unrankable, as there is no position in existence above first place. If there was, then thats what he would recieve. First place doesnt do justice.
Onto the crit:
wow... this song is a complete masterpeice. The chorus is my favourite part by far. I mean, how can you come up with such complex and cryptic lines as "Singing songs about freedom!". Its so good that i'll just break into a series of positively connotative adjectives to describe it. Impressive. Epic. Superb. Amazing. Fantastic. Outrageously good. Classic. Wonderful. Orgasmicly Arousing.
99999999999999999999999999999999/10

meberle7 - 9th
Has a minor cliche appeal, but good nonetheless. Too bad this challenge seems to be full of good songs or else you'd get a better ranking for ur first challenge.
6.7/10

addicted_to_tacos (LOL AT NAME CYTO!) - 4th
sounds a song that somebody would write who broke up with his girlfriend. BUT WITH A TWIST!!!! every single line isnt filled with angst! Yes, you managed to write an emo song with metaphors and imagery rather than words like "torment" and "suffer" and... **** i dunno... you know those stereotypical angsty words!!! i dont have to thing of them just for a stupid crit. It has a small dose of cliche tho, but that doesnt seem effect the song in a negative way at all. 8/10

eleventeen - 10th
oh no. u used the challenge word by itself as a title. Well i suppose it shouldnt matter if your song is good. I'll read it now. Seems pretty straight-forward (although i cant figure out the line "The hade fades, but returns in quick vex". Even tho that seems to be my favourite line in terms of how it rolls off the tongue), but reasonably well written... theres nothing much wrong with it, but could be improved upon. The last stanza appears to be quite cliche in an angsty way... although the line "You think it's funny you ****ed up my life" made me laugh. 6.6/10