No Name Sorry

[mashisdead]

Last night I wanted to touch you
To wage a war with every intention
And run; head first, like a Normandy invasion
Battling with street lights that were never ending
And give more than I can afford
This is for you
I'll never forget the cool breeze
Breathing through the lush grass
Letting us know we were so alive
Lulling us to sleep
Stroking your hair
Using shoulders for pillows; you said it all
And I miss you

I know it's short but I have a structure where I repeat certain parts this is in prose form I guess. Please crit .

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Last night I wanted to touch you
To wage a war with every intention
And run; head first, like a Normandy invasion
Battling with street lights that were never ending
And give more than I can afford
This is for you
I'll never forget the cool breeze
Breathing through the lush grass
Letting us know we were so alive
Lulling us to sleep
Stroking your hair
Using shoulders for pillows; you said it all
And I miss you

Thirdeyes verdict:
Ok I like the words that you wrote, but this is more of a poem than a song. You may want to work on making it alot longer before making it a song. But nice words. 8/10.

Please crit my bombs over baghdad part 2. Thanks.

[mashisdead]

I agree it could be longer but I dunno when I was writing it about the situation I was writing about I just felt it was complete. Thanks for the crit anyway I'll check yours out.

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Hey, usually that happens. Its ok. If that's all you have to say, thats all you can say. Just put alot of music in it. It was a good song. Thanks for checking my thread.