Untitled (Please Crit)

funkywhiteboy · 10-19-2004, 07:38 PM

A friend of mine and I collaborated on this.. he got the chorus and I did the verses. Be harsh-- here goes.

The sun shined but my sky was all grey,
when I walked down that cold hallway,
to meet you,
to hear you say,
those dreadful words that still burn my memory.

*chorus*
I wish you could,
put your ear up to my heart,
and hear,
how much,
I love you.
*end chorus*

*verse 2*
I still dream about that fateful hour,
when my world collapsed,
and the universe divided.

*2nd chorus, outro instrumental etc etc*
For once I wish you could,
put your ear up to my heart,
and hear,
just how much,
I love you.

Remember folks.. be harsh.

Metal G · 10-20-2004, 09:48 AM

ok, its a bit short, repetitve and it slowly detiriates, i liked the start, try adding some more rhyming

funkywhiteboy · 10-20-2004, 02:05 PM

well the purpose of it is to be very slow and instrumental-y.. thats why there's few words, it's not some hardcore metal song. think sad, depressing, but yet a love song

IOWNU200 · 10-20-2004, 02:19 PM

these lyrics are ok, nothing stand out, but nothing is horrible. I guess you're music can help set a better mood. It just seems like you don't hit anything strongly, with such few lyrics see if you can maybe look for something that will put people in awe.

TheGreatestView · 10-21-2004, 08:41 PM

hey man whats up. when i first read it i thought it was kinda short and without a lot of content.. but after hearing you say that it was like more instrumentally and stuff or whatever, i liked it more because i could.. visual with my ears? i guess thats how ill phrase it. but anyways, for the type of song you're putting these words to i'd say it's not too bad, keep writing man.

shyguy1987 · 10-22-2004, 08:15 AM

I wish you could,
put your ear up to my heart,
and hear,
how much,
I love you.

I especially liked the chorus the most, but everything else was good too. It doesn't bother me that it is short even if it wasn't going to be slow.

10-19-2004, 07:38 PM	#1
funkywhiteboy Registered User Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 48	Untitled (Please Crit) A friend of mine and I collaborated on this.. he got the chorus and I did the verses. Be harsh-- here goes. The sun shined but my sky was all grey, when I walked down that cold hallway, to meet you, to hear you say, those dreadful words that still burn my memory. chorus I wish you could, put your ear up to my heart, and hear, how much, I love you. end chorus verse 2 I still dream about that fateful hour, when my world collapsed, and the universe divided. 2nd chorus, outro instrumental etc etc For once I wish you could, put your ear up to my heart, and hear, just how much, I love you. Remember folks.. be harsh.

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10-20-2004, 09:48 AM	#2
Metal G Garage jams Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: UK Posts: 77	ok, its a bit short, repetitve and it slowly detiriates, i liked the start, try adding some more rhyming

10-20-2004, 02:05 PM	#3
funkywhiteboy Registered User Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 48	well the purpose of it is to be very slow and instrumental-y.. thats why there's few words, it's not some hardcore metal song. think sad, depressing, but yet a love song

10-20-2004, 02:19 PM	#4
IOWNU200 We are the hollow men... Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Cincinnati, Ohio Posts: 943	these lyrics are ok, nothing stand out, but nothing is horrible. I guess you're music can help set a better mood. It just seems like you don't hit anything strongly, with such few lyrics see if you can maybe look for something that will put people in awe.

10-21-2004, 08:41 PM	#5
TheGreatestView Registered User Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: at home Posts: 695	hey man whats up. when i first read it i thought it was kinda short and without a lot of content.. but after hearing you say that it was like more instrumentally and stuff or whatever, i liked it more because i could.. visual with my ears? i guess thats how ill phrase it. but anyways, for the type of song you're putting these words to i'd say it's not too bad, keep writing man.

10-22-2004, 08:15 AM	#6
shyguy1987 Registered User Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Florida City, FL Posts: 25	I wish you could, put your ear up to my heart, and hear, how much, I love you. I especially liked the chorus the most, but everything else was good too. It doesn't bother me that it is short even if it wasn't going to be slow.