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Old 09-14-2004, 09:11 PM   #1
Deathtoall99
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Faith in disguise, my first major song

your output is deeply appreciated

Lyrics
Ive known since the dawn of time
Fate placed the thought, you are mine
Join me, the world, well outshine
But no, you pit me against my divine
Its barely visible
But i see your faith in disguise

[chorus]
I sence your heart's in the sky
I feal your coveting eyes
i see your faith in diguise
And i hear your wish and reply
[/chorus]

Some say your love is a lie
it compliments, how youve shreded mine
The words prove true, even till this time
Now i veiw you, your drunk with the find
Temporary, youll still be fine
For I can smell the faith in your mind

I sence your hearts now a lie
Ill watch its burning demise
Ill heal your wounds from the fire
Only then youll reveal
Your loves been disguised

[chorus x2]
last line changed to -
"And i hear your wish, but decline"
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Old 09-14-2004, 09:21 PM   #2
A_Perfect_Sonnet
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your output is deeply appreciated

--you mean INput

Lyrics
Ive known since the dawn of time
Fate placed the thought, you are mine
Join me, the world, well outshine
But no, you pit me against my divine
Its barely visible
But i see your faith in disguise

--um, this is what i got from your verse
Cliche
Cliche
Gibberish
Poor use of words
Oddly placed clever statement
But i see "title"

[chorus]
I sence your heart's in the sky
I feal your coveting eyes
i see your faith in diguise
And i hear your wish and reply
[/chorus]

--the whole senses thing was a good idea, although not very well done in this case... once again its just a little cliched... and not even making much sense

Some say your love is a lie
it compliments, how youve shreded mine
The words prove true, even till this time
Now i veiw you, your drunk with the find
Temporary, youll still be fine
For I can smell the faith in your mind

--eh? what does the line drunk with the find mine? is that some weird saying ive never heard of? and how can you smell faith in someones mind... or smell a mind at all for that matter? this just makes me ask questions as to your ability to create complete, logical strains of thoughts.

I sence your hearts now a lie
Ill watch its burning demise
Ill heal your wounds from the fire
Only then youll reveal
Your loves been disguised

--this is good, only thing i wouldnt throw out, except for the last 2 lines... but definately keep the first 3, they were nice

[chorus x2]
last line changed to -
"And i hear your wish, but decline"

--dumb

your rhyming on this REALLY killed me... its like you had to force most of it down onto the page... there were a few promising lines, but this was overly cliche and poorly connected... i found no central theme and the lines you meant to be deep, just came out confusing

2/10
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Old 09-14-2004, 09:35 PM   #3
Deathtoall99
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Thank you.

ya i see what ya mean... its about something that happened in my life... so its really hard to tell what im talking about lol... i just figured that out
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Old 09-14-2004, 09:37 PM   #4
A_Perfect_Sonnet
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oh i know why i liked that last little verse, you didnt use the rhyming thing, and it came out so much better... i hope you saw that too, because it was really good
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Old 09-14-2004, 09:42 PM   #5
A_Perfect_Sonnet
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oh if you arent asleep yet, mind critting one of the many songs i have posted on here? either Let It Die, Desire In Dreams, Eclipsed by Evil, or that one thats dark... that i didnt name...

if you cant itd be appreciated
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Old 09-14-2004, 10:05 PM   #6
xKONRADx
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But no, you pit me against my divine
is a really cool line. i dont think you deserve a 2/10 like sonnet said, but thats not to say you dont need improvement. keep it up and youll get better.
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Old 09-14-2004, 10:08 PM   #7
Deathtoall99
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thx alot guys

your ****s really good sonnet
ide be honored to crit your stuff
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Old 12-11-2004, 09:42 PM   #8
WANK86
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i think its good!!

espeacially the bass line but i love song to!!
lol
only song we actully started working on
by the way its tony lol
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Old 12-11-2004, 09:46 PM   #9
andy_roo10
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it's certainly not terrible

i dont' think it was as cliche as A_Perfect_Sonnet said, but it was a little, especially the first line, just work on a bit of the wording, but i liked it, it was promising

6.5/10, work on it babe

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=276186 if you wanna read one of mine
 
Old 12-11-2004, 10:22 PM   #10
A_Perfect_Sonnet
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way to bump a 3 month old thread
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Old 12-15-2004, 08:15 AM   #11
WANK86
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Quote:
Originally Posted by A_Perfect_Sonnet
way to bump a 3 month old thread
loL
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Old 12-15-2004, 08:19 AM   #12
Diatonic Dissonance™
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I think it's a great song.

It's very effective and lasts a long time without getting too repetative.

Keep up the good work, .
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