Faith in disguise, my first major song

Deathtoall99 · 09-14-2004, 09:11 PM

your output is deeply appreciated

Lyrics
Ive known since the dawn of time
Fate placed the thought, you are mine
Join me, the world, well outshine
But no, you pit me against my divine
Its barely visible
But i see your faith in disguise

[chorus]
I sence your heart's in the sky
I feal your coveting eyes
i see your faith in diguise
And i hear your wish and reply
[/chorus]

Some say your love is a lie
it compliments, how youve shreded mine
The words prove true, even till this time
Now i veiw you, your drunk with the find
Temporary, youll still be fine
For I can smell the faith in your mind

I sence your hearts now a lie
Ill watch its burning demise
Ill heal your wounds from the fire
Only then youll reveal
Your loves been disguised

[chorus x2]
last line changed to -
"And i hear your wish, but decline"

A_Perfect_Sonnet · 09-14-2004, 09:21 PM

your output is deeply appreciated

--you mean INput

Lyrics
Ive known since the dawn of time
Fate placed the thought, you are mine
Join me, the world, well outshine
But no, you pit me against my divine
Its barely visible
But i see your faith in disguise

--um, this is what i got from your verse
Cliche
Cliche
Gibberish
Poor use of words
Oddly placed clever statement
But i see "title"

[chorus]
I sence your heart's in the sky
I feal your coveting eyes
i see your faith in diguise
And i hear your wish and reply
[/chorus]

--the whole senses thing was a good idea, although not very well done in this case... once again its just a little cliched... and not even making much sense

Some say your love is a lie
it compliments, how youve shreded mine
The words prove true, even till this time
Now i veiw you, your drunk with the find
Temporary, youll still be fine
For I can smell the faith in your mind

--eh? what does the line drunk with the find mine? is that some weird saying ive never heard of? and how can you smell faith in someones mind... or smell a mind at all for that matter? this just makes me ask questions as to your ability to create complete, logical strains of thoughts.

I sence your hearts now a lie
Ill watch its burning demise
Ill heal your wounds from the fire
Only then youll reveal
Your loves been disguised

--this is good, only thing i wouldnt throw out, except for the last 2 lines... but definately keep the first 3, they were nice

[chorus x2]
last line changed to -
"And i hear your wish, but decline"

--dumb

your rhyming on this REALLY killed me... its like you had to force most of it down onto the page... there were a few promising lines, but this was overly cliche and poorly connected... i found no central theme and the lines you meant to be deep, just came out confusing

2/10

Deathtoall99 · 09-14-2004, 09:35 PM

Thank you.

ya i see what ya mean... its about something that happened in my life... so its really hard to tell what im talking about lol... i just figured that out

A_Perfect_Sonnet · 09-14-2004, 09:37 PM

oh i know why i liked that last little verse, you didnt use the rhyming thing, and it came out so much better... i hope you saw that too, because it was really good

A_Perfect_Sonnet · 09-14-2004, 09:42 PM

oh if you arent asleep yet, mind critting one of the many songs i have posted on here? either Let It Die, Desire In Dreams, Eclipsed by Evil, or that one thats dark... that i didnt name...

if you cant itd be appreciated

xKONRADx · 09-14-2004, 10:05 PM

But no, you pit me against my divine
is a really cool line. i dont think you deserve a 2/10 like sonnet said, but thats not to say you dont need improvement. keep it up and youll get better.

Deathtoall99 · 09-14-2004, 10:08 PM

thx alot guys

your ****s really good sonnet
ide be honored to crit your stuff

WANK86 · 12-11-2004, 09:42 PM

i think its good!!

espeacially the bass line but i love song to!!
lol
only song we actully started working on

by the way its tony lol

12-11-2004, 09:46 PM

it's certainly not terrible

i dont' think it was as cliche as A_Perfect_Sonnet said, but it was a little, especially the first line, just work on a bit of the wording, but i liked it, it was promising

6.5/10, work on it babe

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=276186 if you wanna read one of mine

A_Perfect_Sonnet · 12-11-2004, 10:22 PM

way to bump a 3 month old thread

WANK86 · 12-15-2004, 08:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by A_Perfect_Sonnet

way to bump a 3 month old thread

loL

Diatonic Dissonance™ · 12-15-2004, 08:19 AM

I think it's a great song.

It's very effective and lasts a long time without getting too repetative.

Keep up the good work,

.

09-14-2004, 09:11 PM	#1
Deathtoall99 The BlaKk Phyr Join Date: Sep 2004 Posts: 127	Faith in disguise, my first major song your output is deeply appreciated Lyrics Ive known since the dawn of time Fate placed the thought, you are mine Join me, the world, well outshine But no, you pit me against my divine Its barely visible But i see your faith in disguise [chorus] I sence your heart's in the sky I feal your coveting eyes i see your faith in diguise And i hear your wish and reply [/chorus] Some say your love is a lie it compliments, how youve shreded mine The words prove true, even till this time Now i veiw you, your drunk with the find Temporary, youll still be fine For I can smell the faith in your mind I sence your hearts now a lie Ill watch its burning demise Ill heal your wounds from the fire Only then youll reveal Your loves been disguised [chorus x2] last line changed to - "And i hear your wish, but decline"

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09-14-2004, 09:21 PM	#2
A_Perfect_Sonnet Greyskull Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Winchester, VA Posts: 4,038	your output is deeply appreciated --you mean INput Lyrics Ive known since the dawn of time Fate placed the thought, you are mine Join me, the world, well outshine But no, you pit me against my divine Its barely visible But i see your faith in disguise --um, this is what i got from your verse Cliche Cliche Gibberish Poor use of words Oddly placed clever statement But i see "title" [chorus] I sence your heart's in the sky I feal your coveting eyes i see your faith in diguise And i hear your wish and reply [/chorus] --the whole senses thing was a good idea, although not very well done in this case... once again its just a little cliched... and not even making much sense Some say your love is a lie it compliments, how youve shreded mine The words prove true, even till this time Now i veiw you, your drunk with the find Temporary, youll still be fine For I can smell the faith in your mind --eh? what does the line drunk with the find mine? is that some weird saying ive never heard of? and how can you smell faith in someones mind... or smell a mind at all for that matter? this just makes me ask questions as to your ability to create complete, logical strains of thoughts. I sence your hearts now a lie Ill watch its burning demise Ill heal your wounds from the fire Only then youll reveal Your loves been disguised --this is good, only thing i wouldnt throw out, except for the last 2 lines... but definately keep the first 3, they were nice [chorus x2] last line changed to - "And i hear your wish, but decline" --dumb your rhyming on this REALLY killed me... its like you had to force most of it down onto the page... there were a few promising lines, but this was overly cliche and poorly connected... i found no central theme and the lines you meant to be deep, just came out confusing 2/10

09-14-2004, 09:35 PM	#3
Deathtoall99 The BlaKk Phyr Join Date: Sep 2004 Posts: 127	Thank you. ya i see what ya mean... its about something that happened in my life... so its really hard to tell what im talking about lol... i just figured that out

09-14-2004, 09:37 PM	#4
A_Perfect_Sonnet Greyskull Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Winchester, VA Posts: 4,038	oh i know why i liked that last little verse, you didnt use the rhyming thing, and it came out so much better... i hope you saw that too, because it was really good

09-14-2004, 09:42 PM	#5
A_Perfect_Sonnet Greyskull Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Winchester, VA Posts: 4,038	oh if you arent asleep yet, mind critting one of the many songs i have posted on here? either Let It Die, Desire In Dreams, Eclipsed by Evil, or that one thats dark... that i didnt name... if you cant itd be appreciated

09-14-2004, 10:05 PM	#6
xKONRADx The Chosen Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Fûck Feûdalism Posts: 1,874	But no, you pit me against my divine is a really cool line. i dont think you deserve a 2/10 like sonnet said, but thats not to say you dont need improvement. keep it up and youll get better.

09-14-2004, 10:08 PM	#7
Deathtoall99 The BlaKk Phyr Join Date: Sep 2004 Posts: 127	thx alot guys your ****s really good sonnet ide be honored to crit your stuff

12-11-2004, 09:42 PM	#8
WANK86 !~~Black Eyed Blonde~~! Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Old Forge,Pa Posts: 80	i think its good!! espeacially the bass line but i love song to!! lol only song we actully started working on by the way its tony lol

12-11-2004, 09:46 PM	#9
andy_roo10 Guest Posts: n/a	it's certainly not terrible i dont' think it was as cliche as A_Perfect_Sonnet said, but it was a little, especially the first line, just work on a bit of the wording, but i liked it, it was promising 6.5/10, work on it babe http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=276186 if you wanna read one of mine

12-11-2004, 10:22 PM	#10
A_Perfect_Sonnet Greyskull Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Winchester, VA Posts: 4,038	way to bump a 3 month old thread

12-15-2004, 08:19 AM	#12
Diatonic Dissonance™ Rosetta stoned Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 19,020	I think it's a great song. It's very effective and lasts a long time without getting too repetative. Keep up the good work, .