Forever More-please crit

***Permanent Solution*** · 09-08-2004, 05:18 PM

Ok...this is my first song ever so please be nice to it.

Intro
Verse
Riff
Verse
Chorus (plays twice)
Riff
Solo (over verse progression) about 50s long (need to write on paper still)
Verse
Chorus
Verse
Riff (fade out during repeat)

All this **** I hold within
I just can’t keep takin’ it
And every single word you say
Hurts me deeply anyway

Hangin’ at the old town park
Thought that we would never part
Then there was that lonesome day
The sky was dark the clouds turned gray

(like) adding salt onto the wound
Like feasting on my long dead flesh
You will always drain my soul
Life carries on forever more
Like adding salt onto the wound
Like feasting on my long dead flesh
You will always drain my soul
Life carries on forever more

Now that you are dead and gone
It seems that my life can go on
Learn a lesson everyday
Must we go or can we stay?

(like) adding salt onto the wound
Like feasting on my long dead flesh
You will always drain my soul
Life carries on forever more
Like adding salt onto the wound
Like feasting on my long dead flesh
You will always drain my soul
Life carries on forever more

Life goes on despite the loss
Nothing comes without a cost
Lying dead upon the cross
When water then begins to frost

Ok...that's it lemme know if you want chords posted for it, starts out at half-time for intro then steps into power chords punkish 150 bpm for the song.

09-08-2004, 05:31 PM

Its was going so good until you started talking about eating flesh. Why? Why? Why? That is like the most suicidal thing you could ever do while writing this song! CUT IT OUT NOW!

The last too verse/paragraphs after are not as strong as the first two. I think if you do whatever you did while writing the first two youll make them better as well, just change that refrain and youll have yourself a song my friend.

I dont think its sounds much like Zepplin, but its good.

Devil Inferno · 09-08-2004, 07:56 PM

pretty decent. change the swear word on the first line. Songs without swearings shows more skills

noodle14 · 09-08-2004, 08:14 PM

thats kik *** ma friend i like it couldnt make a beat outta the flesh stuff thou though

xKONRADx · 09-11-2004, 12:17 AM

i like at first how the verses are kind of normal imagery and then the chorus is really morbid. this would be a good way to continue the song but it kind of ruined that feeling when you kept the morbid theme in the next verse and so on...

I.might.be.retarded · 09-12-2004, 03:18 PM

i liked it until this verse

Now that you are dead and gone
It seems that my life can go on
Learn a lesson everyday
Must we go or can we stay?

the first two lines of that are so cliche. it just kind of ruined it for me

i did like these lines quite a bit though:

Then there was that lonesome day
The sky was dark the clouds turned gray

those seemed to flow pretty well and kind of stuck out to me. i do like this one better than "eulogy"

***Permanent Solution*** · 11-23-2004, 07:19 PM

bump...now you all can see how crap I used to be

I still want crits

***morrissey*** · 11-23-2004, 07:21 PM

Jeepers... I think I read this ages ago when I first joined (I remembered the flesh-eating crap) but figured it was such crap I wouldn't critique it. Come on zep... but you certainly have improved

theredwonder · 11-23-2004, 07:23 PM

I agree. whats with the flesh eating!? shall we all bump our first songs and annoy everyone?

***Permanent Solution*** · 11-23-2004, 07:26 PM

I still like that line

Anyways, it flows well and was written to the music...I still like it...but the lyrics are atrocious

***morrissey*** · 11-23-2004, 07:26 PM

of course, we should. And this sig is dedicated to zep's song:

***************************************
Oh, I didn't realise that you wrote poetry
I didn't realise you wrote such bloody awful poetry
***************************************

theredwonder · 11-23-2004, 07:28 PM

ritey ho, now look what we've started :unleashes early work:

i feel that may be a little harsh (and amusing) morrissey

***morrissey*** · 11-23-2004, 07:42 PM

And if you should die
I may feel slightly sad
(But I won't cry)

^--------- no, that would be harsh. Zep knows I <3 him anyways.

***Permanent Solution*** · 11-23-2004, 07:56 PM

[url=o] [/url]

mshort813 · 11-23-2004, 08:01 PM

Was that really your first song ever? Shit, you've come a long way. Haha you were just like every other noob...posting the whole order of the song and everything, saying how you play everything.

I guess this is to everyone who still tells you to dumb down your songs? Morons, I hope they all see this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zep

I still want crits

Eh, I've got to...erm...go...right now. So maybe later.

***morrissey*** · 11-23-2004, 08:02 PM

haha sorry to ruin another one of your threads... here is a quote to cheer you up (...or just so you don't 'wall' me

):

No, it's not like any other love
This one is different - because it's us

theredwonder · 11-23-2004, 08:04 PM

whos in love?

***morrissey*** · 11-23-2004, 08:08 PM

How can they see the Love in our eyes
And still they don't believe us ?

me and zep, only he don't know it yet

.

***Permanent Solution*** · 11-23-2004, 08:10 PM

Oh well...it was a good attempt at a spamless thread

theredwonder · 11-23-2004, 08:11 PM

aw come on. can't i get a bit of bitch love on the side?

you should have posted this when mozza wasnt around.

09-08-2004, 05:18 PM	#1
*Permanent Solution* Feb. PPOTM \m/ Moderator Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: In a theater near you Posts: 43,293	Forever More-please crit Ok...this is my first song ever so please be nice to it. Intro Verse Riff Verse Chorus (plays twice) Riff Solo (over verse progression) about 50s long (need to write on paper still) Verse Chorus Verse Riff (fade out during repeat) All this **** I hold within I just can’t keep takin’ it And every single word you say Hurts me deeply anyway Hangin’ at the old town park Thought that we would never part Then there was that lonesome day The sky was dark the clouds turned gray (like) adding salt onto the wound Like feasting on my long dead flesh You will always drain my soul Life carries on forever more Like adding salt onto the wound Like feasting on my long dead flesh You will always drain my soul Life carries on forever more Now that you are dead and gone It seems that my life can go on Learn a lesson everyday Must we go or can we stay? (like) adding salt onto the wound Like feasting on my long dead flesh You will always drain my soul Life carries on forever more Like adding salt onto the wound Like feasting on my long dead flesh You will always drain my soul Life carries on forever more Life goes on despite the loss Nothing comes without a cost Lying dead upon the cross When water then begins to frost Ok...that's it lemme know if you want chords posted for it, starts out at half-time for intro then steps into power chords punkish 150 bpm for the song.

11-23-2004, 07:21 PM	#8
*morrissey* Pictoral Pontification Supermod Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: I don't need luck Posts: 10,999	Jeepers... I think I read this ages ago when I first joined (I remembered the flesh-eating crap) but figured it was such crap I wouldn't critique it. Come on zep... but you certainly have improved
	Digging: Taylor Swift - Fearless

11-23-2004, 07:26 PM	#11
*morrissey* Pictoral Pontification Supermod Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: I don't need luck Posts: 10,999	of course, we should. And this sig is dedicated to zep's song: ************************************* Oh, I didn't realise that you wrote poetry I didn't realise you wrote such bloody awful poetry *************************************
	Digging: Taylor Swift - Fearless

11-23-2004, 07:42 PM	#13
*morrissey* Pictoral Pontification Supermod Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: I don't need luck Posts: 10,999	And if you should die I may feel slightly sad (But I won't cry) ^--------- no, that would be harsh. Zep knows I <3 him anyways.
	Digging: Taylor Swift - Fearless

11-23-2004, 08:02 PM	#16
*morrissey* Pictoral Pontification Supermod Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: I don't need luck Posts: 10,999	haha sorry to ruin another one of your threads... here is a quote to cheer you up (...or just so you don't 'wall' me ): No, it's not like any other love This one is different - because it's us
	Digging: Taylor Swift - Fearless

09-08-2004, 05:31 PM	#2
Halvetes Eld Guest Posts: n/a	Its was going so good until you started talking about eating flesh. Why? Why? Why? That is like the most suicidal thing you could ever do while writing this song! CUT IT OUT NOW! The last too verse/paragraphs after are not as strong as the first two. I think if you do whatever you did while writing the first two youll make them better as well, just change that refrain and youll have yourself a song my friend. I dont think its sounds much like Zepplin, but its good.

09-08-2004, 07:56 PM	#3
Devil Inferno Very Registered User Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: singapore Posts: 2,756	pretty decent. change the swear word on the first line. Songs without swearings shows more skills

09-08-2004, 08:14 PM	#4
noodle14 Registered User Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: lisburn, n.ireland Posts: 10	thats kik *** ma friend i like it couldnt make a beat outta the flesh stuff thou though

09-11-2004, 12:17 AM	#5
xKONRADx The Chosen Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Fûck Feûdalism Posts: 1,876	i like at first how the verses are kind of normal imagery and then the chorus is really morbid. this would be a good way to continue the song but it kind of ruined that feeling when you kept the morbid theme in the next verse and so on...

09-12-2004, 03:18 PM	#6
I.might.be.retarded Registered Badass Join Date: Sep 2004 Posts: 133	i liked it until this verse Now that you are dead and gone It seems that my life can go on Learn a lesson everyday Must we go or can we stay? the first two lines of that are so cliche. it just kind of ruined it for me i did like these lines quite a bit though: Then there was that lonesome day The sky was dark the clouds turned gray those seemed to flow pretty well and kind of stuck out to me. i do like this one better than "eulogy"

11-23-2004, 07:19 PM	#7
*Permanent Solution* Feb. PPOTM \m/ Moderator Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: In a theater near you Posts: 43,293	bump...now you all can see how crap I used to be I still want crits

11-23-2004, 07:23 PM	#9
theredwonder RAWR! Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: In a little place called Home Posts: 3,436	I agree. whats with the flesh eating!? shall we all bump our first songs and annoy everyone?

11-23-2004, 07:26 PM	#10
*Permanent Solution* Feb. PPOTM \m/ Moderator Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: In a theater near you Posts: 43,293	I still like that line Anyways, it flows well and was written to the music...I still like it...but the lyrics are atrocious

11-23-2004, 07:28 PM	#12
theredwonder RAWR! Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: In a little place called Home Posts: 3,436	ritey ho, now look what we've started :unleashes early work: i feel that may be a little harsh (and amusing) morrissey

11-23-2004, 07:56 PM	#14
*Permanent Solution* Feb. PPOTM \m/ Moderator Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: In a theater near you Posts: 43,293	[url=o] [/url]

11-23-2004, 08:04 PM	#17
theredwonder RAWR! Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: In a little place called Home Posts: 3,436	whos in love?

11-23-2004, 08:08 PM	#18
*morrissey* Pictoral Pontification Supermod Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: I don't need luck Posts: 10,999	How can they see the Love in our eyes And still they don't believe us ? me and zep, only he don't know it yet .
	Digging: Taylor Swift - Fearless

11-23-2004, 08:10 PM	#19
*Permanent Solution* Feb. PPOTM \m/ Moderator Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: In a theater near you Posts: 43,293	Oh well...it was a good attempt at a spamless thread

11-23-2004, 08:11 PM	#20
theredwonder RAWR! Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: In a little place called Home Posts: 3,436	aw come on. can't i get a bit of bitch love on the side? you should have posted this when mozza wasnt around.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread: