New Cerbius song - end of existance..critque plz

cerbius2 · 08-08-2004, 08:36 PM

Hey you guys....this is Cerbius2 im in the same band as cerbius here are some of the lyrics i wrote...check em out and critique them...its a start and unfinished...

End of existance:

Through the eyes of man i see
a deepest reminiscence
Haunting and hating and pushing me forward
Into the pool of existence
slaying and devastating me
murder in my chest
you're blind if you cant see all this
a curtain is overcrowding your vision
the signs in front of your eyes
all are for nothing

The end of existance
draws near
life as we know it
will fade
come and join me
turn it all around
this is the end
the resolution

Thanx...cya soon..

litmyself0nfire · 08-08-2004, 09:14 PM

the biggest problem i see with this song is that you start a nice rthym but then a few words later it gets wrecked.

"Through the eyes of man i see
a deepest reminiscence
Haunting and hating and pushing me forward
Into the pool of existence
slaying and devastating me
murder in my chest
you're blind if you cant see all this
a curtain is overcrowding your vision
the signs in front of your eyes
all are for nothing"<----------------------here's the biggest wreck, try a rhyme

The end of existance
draws near
life as we know it
will fade<-------------again, up to here is great
come and join me<--------but this and everything pass it is bad
turn it all around
this is the end
the resolution

you seem unfocused.
oh, and how does a curtain overcrowd something?
i suggest you rethink everything and get a better grasp on what you're trying to say.

cerbius2 · 08-08-2004, 10:22 PM

k...thanx....i wrote it in a few minutes with not to much thinkin....but thanx for ur suggestions...will take into consideration.

yurf_rendenmine · 08-08-2004, 10:24 PM

good job i agree with the crits that other dude gave you. bu treally good. 7/10. [URL=http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=220407]http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=220407[/url] crit mine please?

cerbius2 · 08-09-2004, 09:33 AM

Thanx man...i didnt spend much time on it, but its cool, tnax for your crtiques...come on guys why isnt n e one else crtitiquing it...plz critique...

cerbius · 08-09-2004, 09:47 AM

yeah man...i wont let those be sung until uve got em down perfectly...(only reason im replying is cause hes in canada and im not).......develop more structure..u have a shaky rhyme scheme going there...and i dont like the flow after the first few lines

JessTheDrummer · 08-09-2004, 07:43 PM

Your in a band.. in different countries...? Ehm, aaaaaighty then, anyways lol. Meh, u told me to critic this on my site, so here ya go:

Overcrowding-- This seems a bit too long of a word. It sounds semi-intelligent, but i think it f*cks with your flow. Whats the style of music? And where's your chorus, verses, bridges, intro-outro stuff.. It seems like an awesome poem though, hehe.. I liked it alot, sounded like erik muir's stuff

Bexi · 08-09-2004, 08:00 PM

The strenht of images sorta fade off to the end but it's a great starting verse

cerbius2 · 08-09-2004, 10:02 PM

K u guys..thanx....its a little unfinished....and i tend to write in poem format a lot (answering to Jess the drummer).....and as for the different countries were actually in da same but im on vacation and hes not so hes jealous...hahah...thanx for all u guys help...ill improve it alot and as for now i dont hav...a chorus and all that crap..but im gonna work on it....cya

cerbius2 · 08-10-2004, 06:51 PM

come on peeps....plz crtitque....it would be appriciated.....thnx

Baodegoth · 08-11-2004, 09:18 AM

Quote:

Through the eyes of man i see
a deepest reminiscence
Haunting and hating and pushing me forward
Into the pool of existence
slaying and devastating me
murder in my chest
you're blind if you cant see all this
a curtain is overcrowding your vision
the signs in front of your eyes
all are for nothing

i think is very good, the wording is great. great job. there's only one thing i'd change and it's the word "and" on the 2nd line it cuts the flow. try put this way:"Haunting and hating, pushing me forward"<--just replace the 2nd "and" with a comma.

Quote:

The end of existance
draws near
life as we know it
will fade
come and join me
turn it all around
this is the end
the resolution

well..the wording/structure/flow seems cool. but i don't get this stanza, what's it all about?(it's probably just me..)oh well...it seems nice, try to put more flow into it. 7/10 for now, post when ready. and tanx for the input on my sh.it!

songwritingrocker · 08-11-2004, 06:20 PM

so yeah, reeeeeeealy short, so i don't know if you'd call it a poem or song. other than that i thought you had some good lines but the rhyming pattern was way off. 7/10, keep writing
-thanks for the crit-

cerbius2 · 08-13-2004, 01:41 AM

K man thx..ill look into it...i actually wrote it in lik 5 minutes..so its sorta lik a rough..but ill take ur advice on the and thing....it is soundin wierd....thanx dude...n ill critique urs anytime man....

cerbius2 · 07-08-2005, 02:14 AM

been a while since i checked this forum out...expect some new material soon....better material...way better...

08-08-2004, 08:36 PM	#1
cerbius2 Registered User Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 40	New Cerbius song - end of existance..critque plz Hey you guys....this is Cerbius2 im in the same band as cerbius here are some of the lyrics i wrote...check em out and critique them...its a start and unfinished... End of existance: Through the eyes of man i see a deepest reminiscence Haunting and hating and pushing me forward Into the pool of existence slaying and devastating me murder in my chest you're blind if you cant see all this a curtain is overcrowding your vision the signs in front of your eyes all are for nothing The end of existance draws near life as we know it will fade come and join me turn it all around this is the end the resolution Thanx...cya soon..

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08-08-2004, 09:14 PM	#2
litmyself0nfire queensryche fan Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 184	the biggest problem i see with this song is that you start a nice rthym but then a few words later it gets wrecked. "Through the eyes of man i see a deepest reminiscence Haunting and hating and pushing me forward Into the pool of existence slaying and devastating me murder in my chest you're blind if you cant see all this a curtain is overcrowding your vision the signs in front of your eyes all are for nothing"<----------------------here's the biggest wreck, try a rhyme The end of existance draws near life as we know it will fade<-------------again, up to here is great come and join me<--------but this and everything pass it is bad turn it all around this is the end the resolution you seem unfocused. oh, and how does a curtain overcrowd something? i suggest you rethink everything and get a better grasp on what you're trying to say.

08-08-2004, 10:22 PM	#3
cerbius2 Registered User Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 40	k...thanx....i wrote it in a few minutes with not to much thinkin....but thanx for ur suggestions...will take into consideration.

08-08-2004, 10:24 PM	#4
yurf_rendenmine 3/4 vodka Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: weat coast Posts: 212	good job i agree with the crits that other dude gave you. bu treally good. 7/10. [URL=http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=220407]http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=220407[/url] crit mine please?

08-09-2004, 09:33 AM	#5
cerbius2 Registered User Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 40	Thanx man...i didnt spend much time on it, but its cool, tnax for your crtiques...come on guys why isnt n e one else crtitiquing it...plz critique...

08-09-2004, 09:47 AM	#6
cerbius Registered User Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 99	yeah man...i wont let those be sung until uve got em down perfectly...(only reason im replying is cause hes in canada and im not).......develop more structure..u have a shaky rhyme scheme going there...and i dont like the flow after the first few lines

08-09-2004, 07:43 PM	#7
JessTheDrummer Talk Nerdy To Me Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: St. Louis, Mo, USA Posts: 309	Your in a band.. in different countries...? Ehm, aaaaaighty then, anyways lol. Meh, u told me to critic this on my site, so here ya go: Overcrowding-- This seems a bit too long of a word. It sounds semi-intelligent, but i think it f*cks with your flow. Whats the style of music? And where's your chorus, verses, bridges, intro-outro stuff.. It seems like an awesome poem though, hehe.. I liked it alot, sounded like erik muir's stuff

08-09-2004, 08:00 PM	#8
Bexi Fairies Wear Boots Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 801	The strenht of images sorta fade off to the end but it's a great starting verse

08-09-2004, 10:02 PM	#9
cerbius2 Registered User Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 40	K u guys..thanx....its a little unfinished....and i tend to write in poem format a lot (answering to Jess the drummer).....and as for the different countries were actually in da same but im on vacation and hes not so hes jealous...hahah...thanx for all u guys help...ill improve it alot and as for now i dont hav...a chorus and all that crap..but im gonna work on it....cya

08-10-2004, 06:51 PM	#10
cerbius2 Registered User Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 40	come on peeps....plz crtitque....it would be appriciated.....thnx

08-11-2004, 06:20 PM	#12
songwritingrocker slowly fading away... Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: north carolina girl Posts: 198	so yeah, reeeeeeealy short, so i don't know if you'd call it a poem or song. other than that i thought you had some good lines but the rhyming pattern was way off. 7/10, keep writing -thanks for the crit-

08-13-2004, 01:41 AM	#13
cerbius2 Registered User Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 40	K man thx..ill look into it...i actually wrote it in lik 5 minutes..so its sorta lik a rough..but ill take ur advice on the and thing....it is soundin wierd....thanx dude...n ill critique urs anytime man....

07-08-2005, 02:14 AM	#14
cerbius2 Registered User Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 40	been a while since i checked this forum out...expect some new material soon....better material...way better...