Don't Sleep with Lit Cigarettes

sparkylp2002 · 08-01-2004, 12:03 AM

I found you
tounge tied
with another guy
but oh hell
who the hell cares
anymore
I have up on
this so long ago

Chorus: Your the lit cigarette
someone falls alseep with at night
and wakes up in
the morning
with nothing left
but ashes in the bed

Your the blackwidow
that finds someone at night
but kills them in the morning
and I fell into your
web again
thinking I wouldnt be
hurt this time

chorus

people say let
sleeping dogs lie
but I wish I could let this
one die
because I' m sick
of having it around
every day and it's
keeping me up at night

chorus

you should have
a surgeon general warning
that reads
use at your own risk
may be
harmful to your health

So tell what you think and what i could do better.

SixStringKing · 08-01-2004, 12:14 AM

i dunno, im a little to tired to crit... i like the idea especially the chorus verses could use some work tho...just the flow seems off
7/10

Pirate Satellite · 08-01-2004, 12:36 AM

The last verse seems very choppy, but I think it's a pretty great concept. I'm assuming it will sound like an Alkaline Trio song? Great for the genre, nice work.

AntiGovRealist · 08-01-2004, 06:56 AM

Who would sleep with a cigarette? thats one weird fetish...ooooh...

Good in some places then trite in others (specifically the first stanza "oh hell/who the hell cares")
7/10

feedthegods666 · 08-01-2004, 08:33 AM

i think its really great. i LOVED THE IMAGERY! "falling asleep with a cigarette" thats great.

and to AntiGovRealist....YES, people DO fall asleep with lit cigarettes. (personal experience)

AntiGovRealist · 08-01-2004, 08:55 AM

i meant sleeping with a cigarette (like u know ****ing) as a joke.

feedthegods666 · 08-01-2004, 09:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AntiGovRealist

i meant sleeping with a cigarette (like u know ****ing) as a joke.

haha ok

xhinde · 08-01-2004, 09:03 PM

haha awesome concept. Very original. Some parts didn't seem to flow well, but they were few but nothing. Overall, 8/10

BlacklightGuitarist · 08-01-2004, 09:38 PM

VERY COOL. Right this very instant, I can relate, and its a great concept. 8.5/10... Just work on the flow a bit.

thirdeyeblindislit · 08-02-2004, 02:13 PM

I like the concept of the whole thing and I love the title but it doesnt sound like it would flow very well. But then again I dont know what music you want to put to it.

8.5/10.

CofDdrums12 · 11-06-2004, 10:05 PM

Quote:

I have up on
this so long ago

Shouldn't that "have" be "gave" ?

All of is awesome but the last part. I really dislike that...
It sounds cheesy to me.
7.25/10
Later for you.

***morrissey*** · 11-07-2004, 12:40 AM

Let me just say I loved the title, but I didn't think you would actually include it in the song... but you did. And that's fine, it is a very original twist on a oft-repeated topic (cheating) which is refreshing. But besides the topic, this is a pretty bland and simple song, it doesn't break any new ground and it doesn't impress me.

But keep writing songs and having fun

Overall 6/10

08-01-2004, 12:03 AM	#1
sparkylp2002 Registered User Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 662	Don't Sleep with Lit Cigarettes I found you tounge tied with another guy but oh hell who the hell cares anymore I have up on this so long ago Chorus: Your the lit cigarette someone falls alseep with at night and wakes up in the morning with nothing left but ashes in the bed Your the blackwidow that finds someone at night but kills them in the morning and I fell into your web again thinking I wouldnt be hurt this time chorus people say let sleeping dogs lie but I wish I could let this one die because I' m sick of having it around every day and it's keeping me up at night chorus you should have a surgeon general warning that reads use at your own risk may be harmful to your health So tell what you think and what i could do better.

11-07-2004, 12:40 AM	#12
*morrissey* Pictoral Pontification Supermod Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: I don't need luck Posts: 10,999	Let me just say I loved the title, but I didn't think you would actually include it in the song... but you did. And that's fine, it is a very original twist on a oft-repeated topic (cheating) which is refreshing. But besides the topic, this is a pretty bland and simple song, it doesn't break any new ground and it doesn't impress me. But keep writing songs and having fun Overall 6/10
	Digging: Taylor Swift - Fearless

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08-01-2004, 12:14 AM	#2
SixStringKing Fix Your Face Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 981	i dunno, im a little to tired to crit... i like the idea especially the chorus verses could use some work tho...just the flow seems off 7/10

08-01-2004, 12:36 AM	#3
Pirate Satellite Rise, Ye Mighty People Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow. Posts: 2,052	The last verse seems very choppy, but I think it's a pretty great concept. I'm assuming it will sound like an Alkaline Trio song? Great for the genre, nice work.

08-01-2004, 06:56 AM	#4
AntiGovRealist I'm Back, again... Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: New Jersey Posts: 146	Who would sleep with a cigarette? thats one weird fetish...ooooh... Good in some places then trite in others (specifically the first stanza "oh hell/who the hell cares") 7/10

08-01-2004, 08:33 AM	#5
feedthegods666 JON DAVIS > EVERYONE ELSE Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: right behind you....TURN AROUND!!! Posts: 1,601	i think its really great. i LOVED THE IMAGERY! "falling asleep with a cigarette" thats great. and to AntiGovRealist....YES, people DO fall asleep with lit cigarettes. (personal experience)

08-01-2004, 08:55 AM	#6
AntiGovRealist I'm Back, again... Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: New Jersey Posts: 146	i meant sleeping with a cigarette (like u know ****ing) as a joke.

08-01-2004, 09:03 PM	#8
xhinde Major Tom's a junkie Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 276	haha awesome concept. Very original. Some parts didn't seem to flow well, but they were few but nothing. Overall, 8/10

08-01-2004, 09:38 PM	#9
BlacklightGuitarist I want to be Trent Reznor Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Stairway To Heaven Posts: 787	VERY COOL. Right this very instant, I can relate, and its a great concept. 8.5/10... Just work on the flow a bit.

08-02-2004, 02:13 PM	#10
thirdeyeblindislit S&L's nice guy Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Sierra Vista, AZ Posts: 2,052	I like the concept of the whole thing and I love the title but it doesnt sound like it would flow very well. But then again I dont know what music you want to put to it. 8.5/10.