2nd song PLEASE CRIT

[SixStringKing]

This is My second song ive written i dont know what to call it if you have any ideas put it in your crit please



I take a look at my self
do you see it to___?
the man that i need to be
I need to live for you____!
But for you im not alive
Ill Hold it deep inside
Ill keep it under control
and over your head

Ill Make you red___
Ill Shake You down___

Lend Me your eyes
I can see now that im going blind
You talk to angels
Show me the god you need to find
But now_________
Heaven is full____
Im Broken like an angel now
Heaven will fall___
Ill keep you under my wings

Ill look into your broken mirror
Ill lean against your broken walls
Ill take you out when i go down
cause im not going alone
Ill take the world now
Down

{a young boy chanting}
{Ill take you out when i go down} 3x
{cause im not going alone}
{Ill take the world now}

ILL TAKE YOU OUT WHEN I GO DOWN
CAUSE IM NOT GOING ALONE
ILL TAKE THIS WORLD NOW

This is beyond you now
its better than me and colder than you___
It will all come down.
Before im down and out ill shake you down
ill make you bleed

I take a look at my self
do you see it to___?
the man that i need to be
I need to live for you____!
But for you im so alive
Ill Let loose deep inside
Ill Lose all control
And take this world down




sorry for posting more than one song in a day..it wont happen again....

but when the boy chants that will be behind some slick guitar riffs and on the fourth time the vocals will come back with him

[thingfromunderthesink]

Needs stucture what type of song is it

[SixStringKing]

lol
i was trying something defferent with structure....i really didnt want verse chorus verse....it will be a hard rock...i was just trying something new with structure

[Dunny]

For the experimantal point of view i like it.

I take a look at my self
do you see it to___?
the man that i need to be
I need to live for you____!
But for you im not alive
Ill Hold it deep inside
Ill keep it under control
and over your head

I like this verse especially the first four lines i think that could be sung wiv like a singer and a backing singer dat would sound good.

Overall i like this song maybe not stickin with a structure can work for some people. 8.5/10

[feedthegods666]

Originally Posted by thingfromunderthesink

Needs stucture what type of song is it

id have to say, theres NO structure. but try changing the wording a little, maybe iambic pentameter (i suggest that a lot). or maybe make each verse into a haiku (no fvckin idea how to spell that)

yah dude, i like posted five songs in a day..OMG im so lucky i didnt get banned.

[Steerpike]

Well, this is one of those songs that really needs to be put to a tune to appreciate it. Very colorful language and imagery, and I applaud you for the experimental structure. But to really further judge this one, I'd need to hear the music that goes with it. For some reason I soak lyrics in better when I can hear the music.

[SixStringKing]

This Is Not A Bump!

[Lexie]

I personally like the expriamentation with the structure.. following a previous structure gets boring after a while. Many new artists dont want to be origianl and you dare to and i admire that...

[SixStringKing]

thanks for the crits! i kinda like the no structure thing, its sounds better in my head then it may in your guys' BUT THATS ALRIGHT! anyone think f a good name for it tho?

[Lexie]

Voyage Downward ...or something to that effect as a title

[SixStringKing]

i like downward but voyage is a word that sounds to..fun? or happy? i dont know i just dont like that word :-D thanks again

[Lexie]

Dragged Downwards

[AnotherGuitarist]

great experimentation (is that even a word? lol i dont know) anyways i like this one. very good....i fixed up my last one so if you could tell me if the changes did some good. thanks!

[lil miss metal]

I like this! Its different but clever at the same time, I like the words. The idea for a young boy chanting, I thought at first was a little bit strange, but the more I thought about it, the more i like it. A young boys voice would be very haunting almost like an 'angel voice' kind of quality (ya knowthose high pitched voices in soundtracks to films like 'Mars Attacks'..very haunting but cool! if you get my drift!)
Well done!

[kramerplayer]

Great song!!! It's a refreshing change from the general Verse Chorus Verse structure. The lyrics are good, it would be interesting to hear it sung. Do you have a tune?

[BrokenWingman]

New here, found your song title in a search on google actually, trying to find another song. But reading it, I really enjoyed it. And since you commented that you enjoyed the word "downward" And you need a song title. How about "Downward Falling"?

-Wingman

[PainKiller8191]

its a good song, why ruin it with a cliche title?????
"downward falling"...PLEASE!

[BrokenWingman]

I wasn't aware that was considered "cliche". My apologies. Try not being a jerk about it next time maybe...

-Wingman

[kevbud187]

i think i need more of an intro

[Nightvision]

Originally Posted by PainKiller8191

its a good song, why ruin it with a cliche title?????
"downward falling"...PLEASE!

that wasn't cliche.

Don't abuse n00bs while you're still no vet yourself.