Car Crashes and Twenty-fifth Hour Apologies

mshort813 · 07-19-2004, 02:32 AM

Dusk had arrived, strangling the daylight.
And the throttled sky hung low.
The tension in the air was sensed by passing anatomy.
It's time to render goodnight.
But you walk to your door without glancing back.
I saunter home alone with nothing but passing headlights.
All I see is the sky, jet black.

[CHORUS]
The answer to our vendetta has come.
Not in a flush of wine but a gush of blood.
Here's your futile apology unveiled.
Eyes where the seas of sorrow sailed.

When I heard the three most horrid words of my life.
The reality of the situation hit me like a knife.
I write these words as a sympathetic letter to you.
And as an apology that's long-overdue.

[CHORUS]

(Please forgive me,
Here's your bitter vindication.
Please forgive me,
This is the reality of fiction)

The last part in parenthesis is screamed in the backround while the lead singer sings the chorus. I was thinking of this song as a Thursday/Silverstein type of song. I know the syllable count is very off for the whole song so if anyone has any suggestions that will help, please post them here. If anyone has any suggestions, comments, or questions about anything, please post them here or e-mail me at [email]mshort813@yahoo.com[/email].
Thank you everyone who has read this and remember to leave a link to your song.

atdi come back · 07-19-2004, 02:55 AM

that is amazing, i really really like it, and its perfect for the type of music u want (thursday) id give it a 9.5/10

mshort813 · 07-19-2004, 02:59 AM

thanks man. if you want me to crit anything, post it.

laula · 07-19-2004, 03:27 AM

yeah, as soon as i saw the title i thought thursday, but only cus of their understanding of a...blah blah. But yes, i like it. Suits the whole style of just kinda random vocals and lyrics which dont rhyme etc. If you get me. 8.5/10
and sorry to hear about the friend, that sucks, but cool of your to write an apology in a song

BassManXtreme · 07-19-2004, 03:36 AM

Dude, that is an amazing song, and I'm so sorry about your friend..

I keep looking, and I can't find anything wrong with it. Let me check again.

Nope, for its style and everything, this a perfect song, lyricwise. And if it matters, I generally hate sad songs.

Out of the average price of 99c this song is worth about $12.

factor46 · 07-19-2004, 09:02 AM

wow man. this is awesome. it reminds me of a "brand new" song. and their songwriter is the best. the only thing wrong with this is the reason you wrote it. it shouldnt have had to happen. sorry about your friend. if i was in this situation, i'd hate myself. anyways, great stuff. 9/10.

hey could you crit mine?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=209183
-thanks.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

http://factor46.tripod.com

Baodegoth · 07-19-2004, 09:24 AM

1st- the whole situation sucks, sorry 'bout your friend.
2nd- the song is very good, the only word i don't like much is "vendetta" other than that is very good.all the feelings are there very well xpressed.

...and that's all i love the title btw. 8.5/10. good work

---------------
could you plz take a look? tanx
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=209194

mshort813 · 07-19-2004, 10:31 AM

thank you everyone very much for the crits. i really appreciate it. i am going to crit the two songs of the people who left links, so check your song later. thanks.

Maggotfelon420 · 07-19-2004, 10:36 AM

"Everything stopped, as I would have given everything to have ended our strife."
---This line didn't seem to flow too well. Maybe you could shorten it by a few words.

"The answer to our vendetta has come.
Not in a flush of wine but a gush of blood.
Here's your futile apology unveiled.
Eyes where the seas of sorrow sailed."
---I really liked this part.

Overall this is probably, IMO a 8.5/10 or somewhere in there. You made a good song out of a horrible situation. I hope it helped get some of the sh.it off of your chest.

Do me a fav and check out either of my songs:
Under the Lake
Untitled/spur of the moment crap

I won't let them leave the front page. So you shouldn't have to search for em.

Maggotfelon420 · 07-19-2004, 10:36 AM

-------------
Maggotfelon
POST COUNT: 878

mshort813 · 07-19-2004, 01:16 PM

thank you everyone for the comments. everyone who left titles of songs and links, check your song because i think i did everyones song. and if i forgot to do your song, please tell me.

Echleon · 07-19-2004, 04:33 PM

really cool song, i like it alot, inform me when u right some new stuff

Interstate · 07-19-2004, 04:38 PM

holy s**t your song is amazing it really conveys the feelings you put across, really good imagery. I'm really sorry to here about your friend i've never had anyone close to me die that must really suck. good job with the song!

Stick-Munch · 07-19-2004, 04:57 PM

Really really good. Great stuff

PAID2makeGIRLSpanic · 07-19-2004, 05:13 PM

It's not your fault man, you couldn't have know that was gonna happen

but anyways, this song is awesome. It's one of the best i've read in any forums ever. I like the emotions in it, and the visual language you chose to use.

And yeah you're right, this is a very Thursday-ish song. But that's all good! Geoff Rickley is a great song writer. he would be proud. 9.8/10

Thanks for sharing this

gottiagoreallybad · 07-19-2004, 05:39 PM

Really bloody good... But its really good reminds me of a freind. She'd really like it. Nice man really nice.
u must be really good at poety.

BlacklightGuitarist · 07-19-2004, 05:44 PM

Loved it... Bloody awesome, and sorry for your loss. The only thing I didn't like was "passing anatomy." That seemed out of place.
9/10

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=208926

Chucktaylor_chick18 · 07-19-2004, 05:47 PM

AMAZING!!!..lol..wow, yea good imagery in this song...I could see it working with Thursday...or...Senses Fail.

Awww...situations like that make me sad to hear...but im sure he knows that your sorry

pardonmepete · 07-19-2004, 08:29 PM

I'm happy to see such emotion in your song....its a great song and sorry about your friend...just a warning though, try not to make every song bitter and sad....I mean it works here...actually, its done wonderfully here...but just remember there is more to life than just the down side....Great job...9/10

herobehindthemsk · 07-19-2004, 08:45 PM

dude, omg that was a great song.9.7/10.... sorry about your friend ....................could some 1 please crit "those little lies"

07-19-2004, 02:32 AM	#1
mshort813 Registered User Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: NJ Posts: 1,198	Car Crashes and Twenty-fifth Hour Apologies Dusk had arrived, strangling the daylight. And the throttled sky hung low. The tension in the air was sensed by passing anatomy. It's time to render goodnight. But you walk to your door without glancing back. I saunter home alone with nothing but passing headlights. All I see is the sky, jet black. [CHORUS] The answer to our vendetta has come. Not in a flush of wine but a gush of blood. Here's your futile apology unveiled. Eyes where the seas of sorrow sailed. When I heard the three most horrid words of my life. The reality of the situation hit me like a knife. I write these words as a sympathetic letter to you. And as an apology that's long-overdue. [CHORUS] (Please forgive me, Here's your bitter vindication. Please forgive me, This is the reality of fiction) The last part in parenthesis is screamed in the backround while the lead singer sings the chorus. I was thinking of this song as a Thursday/Silverstein type of song. I know the syllable count is very off for the whole song so if anyone has any suggestions that will help, please post them here. If anyone has any suggestions, comments, or questions about anything, please post them here or e-mail me at [email]mshort813@yahoo.com[/email]. Thank you everyone who has read this and remember to leave a link to your song. Last edited by mshort813; 11-05-2004 at 10:12 PM.

07-19-2004, 05:39 PM	#16
gottiagoreallybad ill smile when ur done Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 39	Really bloody good... But its really good reminds me of a freind. She'd really like it. Nice man really nice. u must be really good at poety. Last edited by gottiagoreallybad; 07-19-2004 at 05:41 PM.

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07-19-2004, 02:55 AM	#2
atdi come back mx's wishful THINKER Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: apulia station Posts: 145	that is amazing, i really really like it, and its perfect for the type of music u want (thursday) id give it a 9.5/10

07-19-2004, 02:59 AM	#3
mshort813 Registered User Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: NJ Posts: 1,198	thanks man. if you want me to crit anything, post it.

07-19-2004, 03:27 AM	#4
laula Registered User Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 150	yeah, as soon as i saw the title i thought thursday, but only cus of their understanding of a...blah blah. But yes, i like it. Suits the whole style of just kinda random vocals and lyrics which dont rhyme etc. If you get me. 8.5/10 and sorry to hear about the friend, that sucks, but cool of your to write an apology in a song

07-19-2004, 03:36 AM	#5
BassManXtreme Registered User Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 71	Dude, that is an amazing song, and I'm so sorry about your friend.. I keep looking, and I can't find anything wrong with it. Let me check again. Nope, for its style and everything, this a perfect song, lyricwise. And if it matters, I generally hate sad songs. Out of the average price of 99c this song is worth about $12.

07-19-2004, 09:02 AM	#6
factor46 faces on. Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: North Port, Florida. Posts: 1,338	wow man. this is awesome. it reminds me of a "brand new" song. and their songwriter is the best. the only thing wrong with this is the reason you wrote it. it shouldnt have had to happen. sorry about your friend. if i was in this situation, i'd hate myself. anyways, great stuff. 9/10. hey could you crit mine? http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=209183 -thanks. --------------------------------------------------------------------- http://factor46.tripod.com

07-19-2004, 09:24 AM	#7
Baodegoth Registered User Join Date: May 2004 Location: Lisbon, PORTUGAL Posts: 638	1st- the whole situation sucks, sorry 'bout your friend. 2nd- the song is very good, the only word i don't like much is "vendetta" other than that is very good.all the feelings are there very well xpressed. ...and that's all i love the title btw. 8.5/10. good work --------------- could you plz take a look? tanx http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=209194

07-19-2004, 10:31 AM	#8
mshort813 Registered User Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: NJ Posts: 1,198	thank you everyone very much for the crits. i really appreciate it. i am going to crit the two songs of the people who left links, so check your song later. thanks.

07-19-2004, 10:36 AM	#9
Maggotfelon420 Wanted:God-Dead or Alive Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 159	"Everything stopped, as I would have given everything to have ended our strife." ---This line didn't seem to flow too well. Maybe you could shorten it by a few words. "The answer to our vendetta has come. Not in a flush of wine but a gush of blood. Here's your futile apology unveiled. Eyes where the seas of sorrow sailed." ---I really liked this part. Overall this is probably, IMO a 8.5/10 or somewhere in there. You made a good song out of a horrible situation. I hope it helped get some of the sh.it off of your chest. Do me a fav and check out either of my songs: Under the Lake Untitled/spur of the moment crap I won't let them leave the front page. So you shouldn't have to search for em.

07-19-2004, 01:16 PM	#11
mshort813 Registered User Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: NJ Posts: 1,198	thank you everyone for the comments. everyone who left titles of songs and links, check your song because i think i did everyones song. and if i forgot to do your song, please tell me.

07-19-2004, 04:33 PM	#12
Echleon Support Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 3,985	really cool song, i like it alot, inform me when u right some new stuff

07-19-2004, 04:38 PM	#13
Interstate Fear & Loathing Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: UK Posts: 9,701	holy s**t your song is amazing it really conveys the feelings you put across, really good imagery. I'm really sorry to here about your friend i've never had anyone close to me die that must really suck. good job with the song!

07-19-2004, 04:57 PM	#14
Stick-Munch ...................i lied Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 2,999	Really really good. Great stuff

07-19-2004, 05:13 PM	#15
PAID2makeGIRLSpanic Livin la VIDA loca... Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Where You Want To Be Posts: 132	It's not your fault man, you couldn't have know that was gonna happen but anyways, this song is awesome. It's one of the best i've read in any forums ever. I like the emotions in it, and the visual language you chose to use. And yeah you're right, this is a very Thursday-ish song. But that's all good! Geoff Rickley is a great song writer. he would be proud. 9.8/10 Thanks for sharing this

07-19-2004, 05:44 PM	#17
BlacklightGuitarist I want to be Trent Reznor Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Stairway To Heaven Posts: 787	Loved it... Bloody awesome, and sorry for your loss. The only thing I didn't like was "passing anatomy." That seemed out of place. 9/10 http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=208926

07-19-2004, 05:47 PM	#18
Chucktaylor_chick18 Registered User Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba, CaNaDa Posts: 112	AMAZING!!!..lol..wow, yea good imagery in this song...I could see it working with Thursday...or...Senses Fail. Awww...situations like that make me sad to hear...but im sure he knows that your sorry

07-19-2004, 08:29 PM	#19
pardonmepete Registered User Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 156	I'm happy to see such emotion in your song....its a great song and sorry about your friend...just a warning though, try not to make every song bitter and sad....I mean it works here...actually, its done wonderfully here...but just remember there is more to life than just the down side....Great job...9/10

07-19-2004, 08:45 PM	#20
herobehindthemsk Registered User Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 145	dude, omg that was a great song.9.7/10.... sorry about your friend ....................could some 1 please crit "those little lies"