chilis take effect - Crit please

laula · 07-14-2004, 10:11 AM

Roll the dice on 6, roll the dice on 6 and i'll be watching the hands twist inside out,
And look at my reflection to see my eyes turn dry and strained from staring at the clock,
I'm feeling nervous now, what will be said...
Call the tool at 6, call the tool at 6 and not even the bright sunset will turn its eyes from the lock,
To remember is to forget what was once and what isnt anymore,
I'm feeling nervous now, what will be said,
They picked up from miles away with a bottle in a hand and a hand on a waist,
My clocks not ticking so much
That bottle keeps losing too much
My ears cant take in this much,
But i'm thinking its worth the words.

The actual songs longer than it seems...i think. But please give you're opinions etc.

factor46 · 07-14-2004, 11:10 AM

yeah, just by reading it, it doesnt seem very long. like it's just one big verse. but the words are really good. i liked the decriptiveness (if thats a word) anyways, maybe fix up the structure of the song, and it'll be good to go. 7.5/10 nice job.

-thanks for criting my song.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

http://factor46.tripod.com

laula · 07-14-2004, 11:17 AM

I've just done your song....but yes, here are changes to the layout:

1st verse
Roll the dice on 6, roll the dice on 6 and i'll be watching the hands twist inside out,
And look at my reflection to see my eyes turn dry and strained from staring at the clock,

1st chorus
I'm feeling nervous now, what will be said...

2nd verse
Call the tool at 6, call the tool at 6 and not even the bright sunset will turn its eyes from the lock,
To remember is to forget what was once and what isnt anymore,

2nd chorus
I'm feeling nervous now, what will be said,
They picked up from miles away with a bottle in a hand and a hand on a waist

3rd chorus
I'm feeling nervous now, what will be said,
They picked up from miles away with a bottle in a hand and a hand on a waist,
My clocks not ticking so much
That bottle keeps losing too much
My ears cant take in this much,
But i'm thinking its worth the words. (repeat)

hope thats more clear for everyone or anyone who'd like to look at it. More crits dagnabbit

factor46 · 07-14-2004, 11:21 AM

thats better. lol
really good song.

DaveIsWrong · 07-14-2004, 12:13 PM

Not much to say really, I liked it.

Wadey · 04-11-2005, 06:32 PM

i like this song alot, the lyrics are really good, hope the song sounds as good as the lyrics are

A_Perfect_Sonnet · 04-11-2005, 06:55 PM

Yeah so this is 9 months old...

laula · 04-11-2005, 06:58 PM

yeah, i dunno why its back either, sorry.

Wadey · 04-11-2005, 07:03 PM

its coz i posted on it so it goes back to the front of the queue
i think its worth a few more eyes having a read though.

07-14-2004, 10:11 AM	#1
laula Registered User Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 150	chilis take effect - Crit please Roll the dice on 6, roll the dice on 6 and i'll be watching the hands twist inside out, And look at my reflection to see my eyes turn dry and strained from staring at the clock, I'm feeling nervous now, what will be said... Call the tool at 6, call the tool at 6 and not even the bright sunset will turn its eyes from the lock, To remember is to forget what was once and what isnt anymore, I'm feeling nervous now, what will be said, They picked up from miles away with a bottle in a hand and a hand on a waist, My clocks not ticking so much That bottle keeps losing too much My ears cant take in this much, But i'm thinking its worth the words. The actual songs longer than it seems...i think. But please give you're opinions etc. Last edited by laula; 07-14-2004 at 10:14 AM.

07-14-2004, 11:10 AM	#2
factor46 faces on. Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: North Port, Florida. Posts: 1,338	yeah, just by reading it, it doesnt seem very long. like it's just one big verse. but the words are really good. i liked the decriptiveness (if thats a word) anyways, maybe fix up the structure of the song, and it'll be good to go. 7.5/10 nice job. -thanks for criting my song. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- http://factor46.tripod.com Last edited by factor46; 07-14-2004 at 11:18 AM.

07-14-2004, 11:17 AM	#3
laula Registered User Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 150	I've just done your song....but yes, here are changes to the layout: 1st verse Roll the dice on 6, roll the dice on 6 and i'll be watching the hands twist inside out, And look at my reflection to see my eyes turn dry and strained from staring at the clock, 1st chorus I'm feeling nervous now, what will be said... 2nd verse Call the tool at 6, call the tool at 6 and not even the bright sunset will turn its eyes from the lock, To remember is to forget what was once and what isnt anymore, 2nd chorus I'm feeling nervous now, what will be said, They picked up from miles away with a bottle in a hand and a hand on a waist 3rd chorus I'm feeling nervous now, what will be said, They picked up from miles away with a bottle in a hand and a hand on a waist, My clocks not ticking so much That bottle keeps losing too much My ears cant take in this much, But i'm thinking its worth the words. (repeat) hope thats more clear for everyone or anyone who'd like to look at it. More crits dagnabbit Last edited by laula; 07-14-2004 at 11:20 AM.

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07-14-2004, 11:21 AM	#4
factor46 faces on. Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: North Port, Florida. Posts: 1,338	thats better. lol really good song.

07-14-2004, 12:13 PM	#5
DaveIsWrong Registered User Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Fayetteville, NC Posts: 1,242	Not much to say really, I liked it.

04-11-2005, 06:32 PM	#6
Wadey Registered User Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 107	i like this song alot, the lyrics are really good, hope the song sounds as good as the lyrics are

04-11-2005, 06:55 PM	#7
A_Perfect_Sonnet Greyskull Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Winchester, VA Posts: 4,039	Yeah so this is 9 months old...

04-11-2005, 06:58 PM	#8
laula Registered User Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 150	yeah, i dunno why its back either, sorry.

04-11-2005, 07:03 PM	#9
Wadey Registered User Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 107	its coz i posted on it so it goes back to the front of the queue i think its worth a few more eyes having a read though.